Hmmm...that is the question of the day, for sure. I was thinking yes, and I'm still thinking yes. But here's what happened today that is going to make it tough.
Well, first, let me just say that I absolutely love my friendship with Adam's mom. Love it. Most of the time, almost ALL of the time, it's completely separate from Adam. We have coffee, almost every day, with Wesley. We are day time friends, mostly. Sometimes we'll grab dinner, but usually coffee and/or lunch. We go for walks, we chat on the phone. We're totally girlfriends. We talk every day. She's great. I love her to pieces! But...
Every once in a while, she slips up. She is, after all, always going to be my ex-boyfriend's mother first. The good thing is, she's always the first one to tell me (or fess up, so to speak) when something happens that she knows might upset me, having to do with crossing lines with Adam or something like that. It's only happened a few times and nothing major. One time I got mad at her and didn't talk to her for 3 days. But for the most part, it's been great. She's been great. A great friend. A much needed friend, at times, too.
I had dinner with her last night. We talked of my move. I didn't say not to tell Adam, it was a given. I thought. So she calls me tonight:
"I'm so sorry, but I told Adam you're moving."
FUCKKKKKKKKKK! WHYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!? "I don't know why, it was so stupid, I'm so sorry." But honestly, I'm not really mad. It just gives me one MORE reason to be in any kind of communication with Adam. Of course, I want to know his reaction, what he said, what she said, blah blah blah. Holy can of worms.
Now the trouble is this: I will use ANY old excuse to text or call Adam. Any. So, in typical Nissa fashion, I text Adam about an hour later. Oh, wait. His response to Carole telling him the news was: "He gasped. He said OMG, should I call her? What should I do?" That was Carole telling me this. Ok, the text:
N: "I don't want to hear a word from you about my moving. She shouldn't have told you, but she did and that's that. Leave it alone."
And then immediately following:
N: "I'm not moving because of you, I stayed because of you and now I'm leaving. It was my plan before I met you, remember?"
Notice the open ended text, people. Ick. That's me and how I am with Adam. Reaching. Pathetic. His response, almost immediately:
A: "I hope you're alright. I think it's very brave of you. I'm sorry."
What? No: DON'T GO! COME BACK! I'LL CHANGE! I'LL BE BETTER!?!?!? Really? That's it? Am I surprised? No.
So, I explained all of this to Carole and told her all of this. I told her that this is what will keep me from being close friends with her. This entire scenario, which mostly boils down to my lack of self control, will be the death of our friendship. I realize it's mostly my lack of self control. I know it's there and so I can't be exposed to these types of situations just yet. Period.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Friday, September 7, 2007
Quick update
Helloooooooo - I don't really have too much to say, but....well, that's a lie. I have a ton to say, but I don't want to. Not yet. However, I DO want to give you a little update as to the whereabouts my love life is at the moment, etc.
So Chris and I? We ended that Friday night - the night in which I posted and promised to be single by the next night (which would've been Saturday night). He hasn't been calling or texting or emailing or anything. Well, he DID email me on Sunday night with some apologies, etc. for all of his drinking and his feeling responsible for the relationship going awry so quickly. I accepted his apology and told him not to beat himself up over it because I have my own issues that added fuel to the fire, etc. Then I got a IM thanking me for pointing out his drinking problem to him and that he was getting the help he needed, etc. and that our relationship served as a godsend type thing, so that he could take care of it before it got too bad. I thought the email was nice, and appreciated. Ok, buh bye. I think that was the last I'll hear from him. He served a purpose for me, as well - confidence booster. Thank you, Chris.
However, I should never have let Adam back in my after that confidence boost. He has such a way of making me feel fat, ugly and rotten from the inside out. Why did I let him back in, even if not fully? I spent much of a couple of nights this week in tears...over Adam...again. WHY do I give him so much power? Ick. Anyway, I've come to my senses, started back at therapy and started reading Eat Love Pray (LOVING it!), along with checking in on It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken from time to time.
On another note, I'm totally hating my job. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the baby. Love. But I don't like his mother and it's taking it's toll. So, today folks, I gave my landlords my notice that I'll be moving out by the end of October. I'm moving, friends. Not sure where, but I'm moving. Out of state. I'm going to take advantage of the fact that people are paying people like me good money to take care of their children in areas other than Boulder, CO. I'm really excited, really nervous and (did I mention) really excited!
Also, I saw Jonny Lang last night! I had 2 tickets, and when I bought them, Chris was going to go with me. But I bought them and I really wanted to go. I had NO idea who to take. None. I don't really have any friends here that like to see music shows unless they know them and know they like that particular artist/band. I used to drag Brendan (although I didn't ever have to drag him - he was always more than willing) to shows a lot when he lived here, Alex was always up for a good show when she lived here and so was Brooke before she moved to Colombia. Ugh. I thought about taking my mom - she's into good music. But then I was so torn because so is my stepfather. Ugh. I even pondered giving them both the tickets and forfeitting the show all together so that they could go together. Then it hit me! It's general admission and not sold out...so I called my mom and they just bought one more ticket and the 3 of us went. It was perfect! And the show??? UNBELIEVABLE! This little white guy (26 years old) came out on stage and rocked the socks of the entire crowd for 2 and a half hours! He'd speak to the audience, between songs, in this tiny little sweet voice and then once he started playing music it was like it took over his entire being and controlled him - this AMAZING, soulful, deep yet high at times, voice BELTED out and his guitar playing skills were phenomenal! If ever you have the chance, check him out! SO worth it. SO!
Hmmmm...what else? I have this horse clinic on Sunday with Belle. I'm excited - it's about learning trust and conquering fears, etc. using your horse and their intuition and senses, etc. I'm not super clear on how it will work (obviously by my explanation), but I'll let you know next week. Belle has been an absolute angel for the past week, so I'm not sure what issues she and I will work on with the "horse whisperer." I've been riding her bareback, with just a halter, even out in the pasture with the other horses, as sort of a test to see if I could control her. She passed with flying colors! It wasn't too long ago that I couldn't even control her with a big huge saddle and a big ole steel bit in her mouth! My my my, how consistent and hard work pays off! Go Belle! Go Nissa, actually. I worked so hard with her for the past 7 months and she's really responded well! Wheeeeeeeeeee! Just in time for me to leave her! Ugh. Belle, I will mis terribly!! And the riding, it's good for my soul. I'll miss that. Geez, I hadn't thought of that. Well there have to be horses wherever it is I'm going, right?
I guess I had more to say than I thought. That's always fun.
So Chris and I? We ended that Friday night - the night in which I posted and promised to be single by the next night (which would've been Saturday night). He hasn't been calling or texting or emailing or anything. Well, he DID email me on Sunday night with some apologies, etc. for all of his drinking and his feeling responsible for the relationship going awry so quickly. I accepted his apology and told him not to beat himself up over it because I have my own issues that added fuel to the fire, etc. Then I got a IM thanking me for pointing out his drinking problem to him and that he was getting the help he needed, etc. and that our relationship served as a godsend type thing, so that he could take care of it before it got too bad. I thought the email was nice, and appreciated. Ok, buh bye. I think that was the last I'll hear from him. He served a purpose for me, as well - confidence booster. Thank you, Chris.
However, I should never have let Adam back in my after that confidence boost. He has such a way of making me feel fat, ugly and rotten from the inside out. Why did I let him back in, even if not fully? I spent much of a couple of nights this week in tears...over Adam...again. WHY do I give him so much power? Ick. Anyway, I've come to my senses, started back at therapy and started reading Eat Love Pray (LOVING it!), along with checking in on It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken from time to time.
On another note, I'm totally hating my job. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the baby. Love. But I don't like his mother and it's taking it's toll. So, today folks, I gave my landlords my notice that I'll be moving out by the end of October. I'm moving, friends. Not sure where, but I'm moving. Out of state. I'm going to take advantage of the fact that people are paying people like me good money to take care of their children in areas other than Boulder, CO. I'm really excited, really nervous and (did I mention) really excited!
Also, I saw Jonny Lang last night! I had 2 tickets, and when I bought them, Chris was going to go with me. But I bought them and I really wanted to go. I had NO idea who to take. None. I don't really have any friends here that like to see music shows unless they know them and know they like that particular artist/band. I used to drag Brendan (although I didn't ever have to drag him - he was always more than willing) to shows a lot when he lived here, Alex was always up for a good show when she lived here and so was Brooke before she moved to Colombia. Ugh. I thought about taking my mom - she's into good music. But then I was so torn because so is my stepfather. Ugh. I even pondered giving them both the tickets and forfeitting the show all together so that they could go together. Then it hit me! It's general admission and not sold out...so I called my mom and they just bought one more ticket and the 3 of us went. It was perfect! And the show??? UNBELIEVABLE! This little white guy (26 years old) came out on stage and rocked the socks of the entire crowd for 2 and a half hours! He'd speak to the audience, between songs, in this tiny little sweet voice and then once he started playing music it was like it took over his entire being and controlled him - this AMAZING, soulful, deep yet high at times, voice BELTED out and his guitar playing skills were phenomenal! If ever you have the chance, check him out! SO worth it. SO!
Hmmmm...what else? I have this horse clinic on Sunday with Belle. I'm excited - it's about learning trust and conquering fears, etc. using your horse and their intuition and senses, etc. I'm not super clear on how it will work (obviously by my explanation), but I'll let you know next week. Belle has been an absolute angel for the past week, so I'm not sure what issues she and I will work on with the "horse whisperer." I've been riding her bareback, with just a halter, even out in the pasture with the other horses, as sort of a test to see if I could control her. She passed with flying colors! It wasn't too long ago that I couldn't even control her with a big huge saddle and a big ole steel bit in her mouth! My my my, how consistent and hard work pays off! Go Belle! Go Nissa, actually. I worked so hard with her for the past 7 months and she's really responded well! Wheeeeeeeeeee! Just in time for me to leave her! Ugh. Belle, I will mis terribly!! And the riding, it's good for my soul. I'll miss that. Geez, I hadn't thought of that. Well there have to be horses wherever it is I'm going, right?
I guess I had more to say than I thought. That's always fun.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Patience, My Dear, Patience
Well, that's not working for me. I can't just keep writing for an hour every night until I catch you all up. I'm going to give you some high lights to get you caught up so I can start blogging my current situation. I hate catch up. Oooooooooook. Here goes...
This is basically how the last few weeks have gone:
Chris is great. He showers me with affection, compliments, great sex, all the time I could ever ask for, etc. He's absolutely wonderful....most of the time. And then things like this happen: Last Friday night, I went out with some girlfriends and Chris met us out (big no no and Lynette was PISSED! - she claims she didn't like him from day one....bad vibe. I kinda don't believe that because she was SO gung ho about him for the first couple of weeks. Whatever.). Now Lynette and Chris have not liked each other for a while now, and they are both very open about it. To me. Ugh. I hate knowing that and then them both being fake to each other when they're around each other. It's uncomfortable for only me because neither of them know the other one doesn't like them. Ok. So Friday night. They're doing their usual nicey nice act and so I leave them for TWO minutes. TWO! I come back and they're SCREAMING at each other - fuck you! no, fuck you! you fucking bitch! i've never fucking liked you and i'm so sick of pretending i do just for nissa! Oh, nice, kids. Real nice. Ugh. So I take Chris by the arm and drag him out of Round Midnight - now keep in mind, this place is closed and I'm friends with most of the people that work there and they're all witnessing this. So not something I want to be happening with my "boyfriend" at 29 years old at a bar I've been frequenting since I turned 21. Ick! Oh - and this was all AFTER he got in a fight on the dance floor with someone who spilled and bumped me. Ew. Bar fights - they're regular thing with him. Funnnn. So back to Lynette and Chris... Apparently, when I left them to go into the back room at Round Midnight, Chris asked Lynette if I was doing coke in there. She FLIPPED. She claims that if he knew me at all he would (and he claims to love me - and she's heard him say so!) KNOW I would never touch that stuff. Well in his defense, he doesn't know me. I haven't let him know me on that level. It's a weird thing.
In my past relationships, I've been an open book. I'm always too quick to open up and I get just as wrapped up in the whole thing as Chris is and has been since day one. This relationship? Not so much. I seriously don't give a shit about what happens. I was not the least bit offended that Chris thought (and was really pushy in asking Lynette, apparently, over and over) I might do cocaine. I seriously don't care. And to be honest, I seriously didn't really care that those two got in a fight. Chris thinks I'm a very stand offish person. He thinks I've been so hurt that I have thick walls up that he has to break down. Last night before bed he said: "Baby, I know you've been hurt and you're scared. I'm not ever going to hurt you." WHAT WHAT WHAT?!?!? It was all I could do not to chuckle. And furthermore, I don't care about much when it comes to him. I can go a whole week without seeing him and still have other things I want to get done before I make the hour long drive to his house (including laundry!). If he doesn't call me all day (like today), I really don't care. And the thing is, I know he's only not calling because he's trying to wait to see if I'll call him. He's trying to prove a point. The other morning, we had an entire day planned and when we woke up his phone was ringing off the hook - I asked him who it was (thinking it was his parents, to be honest) and he wouldn't tell me. He was trying to pretend it was something worth being jealous over. Duh. So I said - "Are you sure you don't want to tell me?" And when he said yes, I said: "Well, then I guess it's time for you to leave." Chris: "Really?" Yep. And so he did. I kicked him out after he drove an hour to get here, just because I refuse to deal with his shit.
I've heard that you're supposed to be in a relationship (supposed to be....haha. who says?!?!?) that the other person likes you more than you like them. That ensures that you won't get too wrapped up in: "oh no! he didn't call me!" bull shit. It's kind of nice. Apathy. Not my usual thing. It's kind of nice to not care. It's kind of carefree, if you will. It feels almost healthier. I'm sure Chris wouldn't agree, but I feel that way. I get it. It's nice to not give a shit. Here's the catch to this whole not giving a shit thing:
I still get wrapped up in whether or not Adam's going to call. Haha. How fucked up is that?!?!? He has a girlfriend (Nancy) and I have Chris. But there are so many times throughout the day that I think: Well, just because he's at Burning Man all week, doesn't mean he won't go to that special camp that they have these weird phones that you have to like point directly at the sun to get a signal. He could call. He might call. Now why, people, would he call ME? Haha. He won't. But he might. So see? I give a shit. Just not about my relationship with Chris. Ugh.
Ever been to that stage of a relationship that you absolutely despise everything about that person? Like when they touch you, you get SOOOOOO creeped out that you actually HAVE to move away, even if they're going to notice? When they wake up in the morning next to you and they quietly smack their lips, just enough so you can hear it, and you want to SCREAM: "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!?" Ever cringe when someone talks baby talk to their dogs? Or worse yet, to YOU!?!? Ever wanna crack up when someone says: "I know you're not ready to meet my parents...I explained to them that you're just nervous and you'll come around..." !?!?!? Hahaha. Um, no. I'm not NERVOUS to meet your parents. I just have better things to do. I think it's because I'm ahead of my time (some say Grandma, I say mature). Either way, I think it's clear what needs to happen. So what do I say? How do I actually break up with him? What do I say? Ew. We've broken up (do we see a pattern in my behavior people?) before and then I get sucked back in. He gets REALLY upset - like his mom went to his house one night and spent the night...he was "having a hard time."
Mark my words: I will be single - yet again - by tomorrow night. Thankfully.
Oh - It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken?????? Loving it. Learning some new tricks...mostly to help me with my breakup with Adam.
Aaaahhh.....Adam. I sure do love and miss that boy. I wish he'd send his ass off to rehab and realize what the hell we could have been! That will go away. With time, right? Time being single and actually dealing with the breakup itself? Yes. It will. Ugh.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeewww. All caught up. There will be some other things worth mentioning from the past couple of months, I'm sure. I'll explain those as we go I guess.
Goodnight!
This is basically how the last few weeks have gone:
Chris is great. He showers me with affection, compliments, great sex, all the time I could ever ask for, etc. He's absolutely wonderful....most of the time. And then things like this happen: Last Friday night, I went out with some girlfriends and Chris met us out (big no no and Lynette was PISSED! - she claims she didn't like him from day one....bad vibe. I kinda don't believe that because she was SO gung ho about him for the first couple of weeks. Whatever.). Now Lynette and Chris have not liked each other for a while now, and they are both very open about it. To me. Ugh. I hate knowing that and then them both being fake to each other when they're around each other. It's uncomfortable for only me because neither of them know the other one doesn't like them. Ok. So Friday night. They're doing their usual nicey nice act and so I leave them for TWO minutes. TWO! I come back and they're SCREAMING at each other - fuck you! no, fuck you! you fucking bitch! i've never fucking liked you and i'm so sick of pretending i do just for nissa! Oh, nice, kids. Real nice. Ugh. So I take Chris by the arm and drag him out of Round Midnight - now keep in mind, this place is closed and I'm friends with most of the people that work there and they're all witnessing this. So not something I want to be happening with my "boyfriend" at 29 years old at a bar I've been frequenting since I turned 21. Ick! Oh - and this was all AFTER he got in a fight on the dance floor with someone who spilled and bumped me. Ew. Bar fights - they're regular thing with him. Funnnn. So back to Lynette and Chris... Apparently, when I left them to go into the back room at Round Midnight, Chris asked Lynette if I was doing coke in there. She FLIPPED. She claims that if he knew me at all he would (and he claims to love me - and she's heard him say so!) KNOW I would never touch that stuff. Well in his defense, he doesn't know me. I haven't let him know me on that level. It's a weird thing.
In my past relationships, I've been an open book. I'm always too quick to open up and I get just as wrapped up in the whole thing as Chris is and has been since day one. This relationship? Not so much. I seriously don't give a shit about what happens. I was not the least bit offended that Chris thought (and was really pushy in asking Lynette, apparently, over and over) I might do cocaine. I seriously don't care. And to be honest, I seriously didn't really care that those two got in a fight. Chris thinks I'm a very stand offish person. He thinks I've been so hurt that I have thick walls up that he has to break down. Last night before bed he said: "Baby, I know you've been hurt and you're scared. I'm not ever going to hurt you." WHAT WHAT WHAT?!?!? It was all I could do not to chuckle. And furthermore, I don't care about much when it comes to him. I can go a whole week without seeing him and still have other things I want to get done before I make the hour long drive to his house (including laundry!). If he doesn't call me all day (like today), I really don't care. And the thing is, I know he's only not calling because he's trying to wait to see if I'll call him. He's trying to prove a point. The other morning, we had an entire day planned and when we woke up his phone was ringing off the hook - I asked him who it was (thinking it was his parents, to be honest) and he wouldn't tell me. He was trying to pretend it was something worth being jealous over. Duh. So I said - "Are you sure you don't want to tell me?" And when he said yes, I said: "Well, then I guess it's time for you to leave." Chris: "Really?" Yep. And so he did. I kicked him out after he drove an hour to get here, just because I refuse to deal with his shit.
I've heard that you're supposed to be in a relationship (supposed to be....haha. who says?!?!?) that the other person likes you more than you like them. That ensures that you won't get too wrapped up in: "oh no! he didn't call me!" bull shit. It's kind of nice. Apathy. Not my usual thing. It's kind of nice to not care. It's kind of carefree, if you will. It feels almost healthier. I'm sure Chris wouldn't agree, but I feel that way. I get it. It's nice to not give a shit. Here's the catch to this whole not giving a shit thing:
I still get wrapped up in whether or not Adam's going to call. Haha. How fucked up is that?!?!? He has a girlfriend (Nancy) and I have Chris. But there are so many times throughout the day that I think: Well, just because he's at Burning Man all week, doesn't mean he won't go to that special camp that they have these weird phones that you have to like point directly at the sun to get a signal. He could call. He might call. Now why, people, would he call ME? Haha. He won't. But he might. So see? I give a shit. Just not about my relationship with Chris. Ugh.
Ever been to that stage of a relationship that you absolutely despise everything about that person? Like when they touch you, you get SOOOOOO creeped out that you actually HAVE to move away, even if they're going to notice? When they wake up in the morning next to you and they quietly smack their lips, just enough so you can hear it, and you want to SCREAM: "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!?" Ever cringe when someone talks baby talk to their dogs? Or worse yet, to YOU!?!? Ever wanna crack up when someone says: "I know you're not ready to meet my parents...I explained to them that you're just nervous and you'll come around..." !?!?!? Hahaha. Um, no. I'm not NERVOUS to meet your parents. I just have better things to do. I think it's because I'm ahead of my time (some say Grandma, I say mature). Either way, I think it's clear what needs to happen. So what do I say? How do I actually break up with him? What do I say? Ew. We've broken up (do we see a pattern in my behavior people?) before and then I get sucked back in. He gets REALLY upset - like his mom went to his house one night and spent the night...he was "having a hard time."
Mark my words: I will be single - yet again - by tomorrow night. Thankfully.
Oh - It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken?????? Loving it. Learning some new tricks...mostly to help me with my breakup with Adam.
Aaaahhh.....Adam. I sure do love and miss that boy. I wish he'd send his ass off to rehab and realize what the hell we could have been! That will go away. With time, right? Time being single and actually dealing with the breakup itself? Yes. It will. Ugh.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeewww. All caught up. There will be some other things worth mentioning from the past couple of months, I'm sure. I'll explain those as we go I guess.
Goodnight!
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
To pick right up...
Yes, Chris is drinking a lot. Hmmm...should I just ask him? Yes, I think I will....
Ok, so we're on the phone and I realize that when we talk late at night (keep in mind he lives an hour away from me, so I only see him about twice a week), he is much more open about his feelings and shares a LOT more with me than he does any other time. So I ask him: "Chris, are you drinking tonight?" No no no. Of course not. Or sometimes I would get a - Sure, I'm having a glass of wine, but no biggie. And it's true, no biggie. I have a glass of wine at home sometimes. Hardly ever, but I do do it. Oooooooook. Moving right along.
So I get back from the camping trip on Sunday, spend the night at Chris's that night and then don't see him again until Friday night. We're going to Steamboat to see Alohi early Saturday morning, so we're just going to walk from his place and grab some dinner and make it an early night. I didn't get to his house until 7pm that Friday night and he was just sort of puttin' around the house, loading the dishwasher, etc. I thought he was drinking apple juice at first...
N: "Chris, what are you drinking?"
C: "Jack and coke."
N: "Jack with MAYBE a splash of coke?"
C: *chuckles* "Yes, I guess you could say it that way. Haha."
N: "How many have you had?"
C: "I think this is my 4th or 5th. Why?"
N: *silent stare* and thinks to self: HOLY FUCK! HE'S A FULL BLOWN ALCOHOLIC!
So we quietly leave his house and I have no words. None. Am I in a relationship with another addict? Seriously? Wow. My therapist once told me that I could be in a room with 199 sober people and one addict and I'd somehow find the addict to love. WHY?!?!? Apparently because my mother (with all due respect!) was an addict and couldn't give up her addiction for me, and so I need someone (anyone, apparently!) to give up their addiction for me and I'll be able to overcome that childhood issue. Does that suck or WHAT?!??! Ok, moving right along.... So we walk to Chipotle and on the way over he brings it up:
C: "Look, Nissa. I just have a hard time sleeping and so I drink and it helps me."
N: "Um....it's 7pm and we're not anywhere near going to bed. So why are you on your 5th jack and coke already?!?!? And furthermore, didn't you just go to the doctor yesterday and find out you have SUPER high blood pressure and a possible heart condition? Didn't your doctor tell you to quit drinking?!?!?"
C: "Well, yes. Um, um, um...."
N: "Well I think you should have disclosed this info on match.com. You could've put "regularly" instead of "one or two" at least!!!!" Ok - that was dumb, but seriously! He could have! Should have!
C: "I didn't want you to know."
N: "Apparently!"
Ok, so it continued for the night. I was pretty quiet, and distant. But then we had a great weekend planned, so I (as usual) swept this under the rug, at least for the weekend. Had a ton of fun with Alohi and her husband, although LOTS of drinking was had by all. Chris even smoked pot. Joy. Didn't I just end a relationship in part because of pot? Pretty sure I did! Ok, so a BIGGGGGGGG fight ensues over the pot. After the rodeo (YES! SO FUNNNN!) in Steamboat, people started smoking pot. I don't deal well with pot. HATE IT! I tend to make a way bigger deal over pot than most, but it's my thing. HATE IT! Ok, so Chris and I sit down and I go over why I hate pot so much and he says: "Geez, I had no idea (People? I've told him this before. Honestly, I have.). It's not that big of a deal to me to smoke, so I just simply won't do it." Wow. Really? Ok, cool. And then he proceeds to get even more wasted. Ugh. We get back to Alohi and Eric's and he gets pissy because I want to go to bed. It's only midnight, but we started drinking at 5pm! I need to go to bed! Stay up if you want, Chris! Really? Yes! Fine!
Within 5 minutes I hear the bubbling bong.
N: "Chris?"
C: "Yes?"
N: "Are you smoking pot?"
C: "Yes."
OMG! WHAT!?!?!?! So I just go to bed. Wow. Ok. What happened to that big heart to heart about pot and it not meaning anything to him so he was going to quit? That was just an hour ago. So we wake up the next morning and I decide to cuddle up and not be mad. Because that's what I do. That's why I wake up a year into a relationship and say to myself: HOW COULD YOU NOT HAVE KNOWN THIS WOULD HAPPEN!?!??! Wait. Is he giving ME the cold shoulder? Yep.
N: "Are you mad at me?"
C: "I'm not happy with you."
N: "OMG! Are you fucking serious!??!" I lost it, folks. This guy is a trip! He's always mad at me for shit that he does! Always!
So we argue for like 10 minutes finally ending with:
N: "Fuck this! Let's break up!"
C: "At least we're on the same page!"
N: "Good."
C: "Good."
We drive awkwardly back from Steamboat. Silence. Ew. We stop in Silverthorne, do a little shopping (silently) and then Chris looks at me before we get in the car...
C: "Look, Nissa. I love you (WHAT?!?!?), and I don't want to break up. I'm sorry that I smoked last night. I was just mad that you were going to bed and...."
N: "Mad that I was going to bed, so you disregarded a promise you made an hour earlier that meant A LOT to me?"
C: "I know, it was stupid. I'm sorry."
Can people please stop doing things that they need to apologize for? I hate the word sorry! Just don't do things you need to apologize for! We go in circles and somehow he wins. I'm not feeling pumped on staying together and he knows it, but he's hopeful that I'll come around, as he puts it. I just couldn't stand my ground any longer. He was staring me in the face, begging me to give it another try. Begging. Apologizing. Professing his love. Ugh. WEAK! And it's not like it was with Adam. I couldn't let that end because of how much I LOVED and adored Adam. This was just uncomfortable and I couldn't escape it. I was in Silverthorne about to drive 2 more hours to his house alone, with just him. UGH UGH UGH.
Sorry. Bedtime. I'll keep writing tomorrow. I just want to be caught up to today because there are STILL things that will be added to this going on now! Hahaha. It's lightened up some on my part, but it's still dramatic. And Adam. There will be Adam stories before you get all caught up, too. I love Adam stories. They're so much more fun than these stories. Ok, goodnight.
And yes, I saw the red flag. I think it was a flare being thrown at me, actually. I saw it. I didn't ignore it. I couldn't. Really.
Ok, so we're on the phone and I realize that when we talk late at night (keep in mind he lives an hour away from me, so I only see him about twice a week), he is much more open about his feelings and shares a LOT more with me than he does any other time. So I ask him: "Chris, are you drinking tonight?" No no no. Of course not. Or sometimes I would get a - Sure, I'm having a glass of wine, but no biggie. And it's true, no biggie. I have a glass of wine at home sometimes. Hardly ever, but I do do it. Oooooooook. Moving right along.
So I get back from the camping trip on Sunday, spend the night at Chris's that night and then don't see him again until Friday night. We're going to Steamboat to see Alohi early Saturday morning, so we're just going to walk from his place and grab some dinner and make it an early night. I didn't get to his house until 7pm that Friday night and he was just sort of puttin' around the house, loading the dishwasher, etc. I thought he was drinking apple juice at first...
N: "Chris, what are you drinking?"
C: "Jack and coke."
N: "Jack with MAYBE a splash of coke?"
C: *chuckles* "Yes, I guess you could say it that way. Haha."
N: "How many have you had?"
C: "I think this is my 4th or 5th. Why?"
N: *silent stare* and thinks to self: HOLY FUCK! HE'S A FULL BLOWN ALCOHOLIC!
So we quietly leave his house and I have no words. None. Am I in a relationship with another addict? Seriously? Wow. My therapist once told me that I could be in a room with 199 sober people and one addict and I'd somehow find the addict to love. WHY?!?!? Apparently because my mother (with all due respect!) was an addict and couldn't give up her addiction for me, and so I need someone (anyone, apparently!) to give up their addiction for me and I'll be able to overcome that childhood issue. Does that suck or WHAT?!??! Ok, moving right along.... So we walk to Chipotle and on the way over he brings it up:
C: "Look, Nissa. I just have a hard time sleeping and so I drink and it helps me."
N: "Um....it's 7pm and we're not anywhere near going to bed. So why are you on your 5th jack and coke already?!?!? And furthermore, didn't you just go to the doctor yesterday and find out you have SUPER high blood pressure and a possible heart condition? Didn't your doctor tell you to quit drinking?!?!?"
C: "Well, yes. Um, um, um...."
N: "Well I think you should have disclosed this info on match.com. You could've put "regularly" instead of "one or two" at least!!!!" Ok - that was dumb, but seriously! He could have! Should have!
C: "I didn't want you to know."
N: "Apparently!"
Ok, so it continued for the night. I was pretty quiet, and distant. But then we had a great weekend planned, so I (as usual) swept this under the rug, at least for the weekend. Had a ton of fun with Alohi and her husband, although LOTS of drinking was had by all. Chris even smoked pot. Joy. Didn't I just end a relationship in part because of pot? Pretty sure I did! Ok, so a BIGGGGGGGG fight ensues over the pot. After the rodeo (YES! SO FUNNNN!) in Steamboat, people started smoking pot. I don't deal well with pot. HATE IT! I tend to make a way bigger deal over pot than most, but it's my thing. HATE IT! Ok, so Chris and I sit down and I go over why I hate pot so much and he says: "Geez, I had no idea (People? I've told him this before. Honestly, I have.). It's not that big of a deal to me to smoke, so I just simply won't do it." Wow. Really? Ok, cool. And then he proceeds to get even more wasted. Ugh. We get back to Alohi and Eric's and he gets pissy because I want to go to bed. It's only midnight, but we started drinking at 5pm! I need to go to bed! Stay up if you want, Chris! Really? Yes! Fine!
Within 5 minutes I hear the bubbling bong.
N: "Chris?"
C: "Yes?"
N: "Are you smoking pot?"
C: "Yes."
OMG! WHAT!?!?!?! So I just go to bed. Wow. Ok. What happened to that big heart to heart about pot and it not meaning anything to him so he was going to quit? That was just an hour ago. So we wake up the next morning and I decide to cuddle up and not be mad. Because that's what I do. That's why I wake up a year into a relationship and say to myself: HOW COULD YOU NOT HAVE KNOWN THIS WOULD HAPPEN!?!??! Wait. Is he giving ME the cold shoulder? Yep.
N: "Are you mad at me?"
C: "I'm not happy with you."
N: "OMG! Are you fucking serious!??!" I lost it, folks. This guy is a trip! He's always mad at me for shit that he does! Always!
So we argue for like 10 minutes finally ending with:
N: "Fuck this! Let's break up!"
C: "At least we're on the same page!"
N: "Good."
C: "Good."
We drive awkwardly back from Steamboat. Silence. Ew. We stop in Silverthorne, do a little shopping (silently) and then Chris looks at me before we get in the car...
C: "Look, Nissa. I love you (WHAT?!?!?), and I don't want to break up. I'm sorry that I smoked last night. I was just mad that you were going to bed and...."
N: "Mad that I was going to bed, so you disregarded a promise you made an hour earlier that meant A LOT to me?"
C: "I know, it was stupid. I'm sorry."
Can people please stop doing things that they need to apologize for? I hate the word sorry! Just don't do things you need to apologize for! We go in circles and somehow he wins. I'm not feeling pumped on staying together and he knows it, but he's hopeful that I'll come around, as he puts it. I just couldn't stand my ground any longer. He was staring me in the face, begging me to give it another try. Begging. Apologizing. Professing his love. Ugh. WEAK! And it's not like it was with Adam. I couldn't let that end because of how much I LOVED and adored Adam. This was just uncomfortable and I couldn't escape it. I was in Silverthorne about to drive 2 more hours to his house alone, with just him. UGH UGH UGH.
Sorry. Bedtime. I'll keep writing tomorrow. I just want to be caught up to today because there are STILL things that will be added to this going on now! Hahaha. It's lightened up some on my part, but it's still dramatic. And Adam. There will be Adam stories before you get all caught up, too. I love Adam stories. They're so much more fun than these stories. Ok, goodnight.
And yes, I saw the red flag. I think it was a flare being thrown at me, actually. I saw it. I didn't ignore it. I couldn't. Really.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
In a Nutshell
Where do I even begin???? It's been a whole month since I've blogged. So much has happened. Ok. Hmmmm. Ok. Let me just start by saying that tonight I started reading: "It's Called a Breakup Becuase It's Broken. Ugh. Actually, no. I shouldn't say "ugh." I'm fine. I'm feeling pretty high spirited, actually, considering this mess I've gotten myself into.
So really quickly, Chris was absolutely wonderful at first. Perfect. He consistently adored me and showered me with compliments and affection, which was all pretty new to me. It was great. Fabulous, in fact. And I was really attracted to him from day one. Amazing sex, too. Amazing. Best ever, maybe. I was picking up on some red flag type things right away, but thought that I was looking too hard for a problem, so I let them all slide. Girls? We all know not to do this, ever, right? Yes, we do. Anyway, on another note it was a little weird that he knew Adam, and it was even weirder the first time we ran into Adam, but that ended up to be fine. They were excited to see each other and exchanged hugs and chatted it up for a while and exchanged nice words about what a great gal I am, etc. It was fine. The thing that totally sucked about bumping into Adam when I was with Chris was that I would look at Adam and think: he's so cute! and geez, I really miss him and oh - he's so fun! And everyone else would rag on Adam when he would walk away, I guess because they thought that's what I needed to hear. In actuality, that was offending me. I wanted to stick up for him, but Chris would be suspicious if I did that, so I never did.
So two weeks after I got home from my trip to Massachusetts, which was also 2 weeks after Chris and I got more serious, there was a big camping trip for a friend's bday and Adam was going to be there. This meant Chris couldn't go. Adam and I had a little agreement that we wouldn't bring our "dates" to any mutual friends' get togethers for at least a month, and we both were respecting that. The month ended up to be over just after this camping trip. At first I wasn't even going to go because I didn't want it to be too weird with Chris, but then when I saw Adam out and Chris went to the bathroom, Adam whispered to me: "I'm excited to have time with you next weekend, I think we could use it." That's when I decided that I really did want to go, even if Chris was going to be mad. I started to get all rebellious about it, actually. Like - fuck that! He can't tell me what to do! So that helped push me into going. Other than that, Lynette (it was her husbands bday camping trip) would have never forgiven me if I bailed on it. So camping I go. It was such a funnnnnnnnnn weekend. We were in the middle of nowhere, no cell service, no stores, no electricity, no bathrooms. Nothing. It was awesome. I'm not sure I've ever really roughed it like that. It's no Pine Acres, if ya know what I mean. So anyway, great (!) weekend. Perfect. The first night Adam, Ryan (another guy friend), and I sat by the camp fire til 3am just chatting and laughing and having a good ole time. Everyone else (there were 10 of us total) went to bed hours earlier. When it was time for bed, it got awkward for a minute because I wasn't thrilled about sleeping alone in my tent in the wilderness, but it passed (due to consumed alcohol, I'm assuming) quickly. The next morning I was the first one up, just the way I like it, and I snuck quietly out of my tent, cleaned up the mess from the night before and sat by the fire (not lit) and read my book as people slowly started poking their heads out of their tents. We all got up and cooked a big breakfast and then we went white water rafting (more like floating) for 7 hours. Such a beautiful area, such a delightful day. Seriously. Adam and I were on the same boat, and we just had such a nice time. Mostly quiet. The whole boat, just taking in the beauty around us. We saw hawks, beavers, and all kinds of spectacular and breath taking views. Then we did the same thing that night, all crowded around the camp fire, Myles playing his guitar and all of us singing, only this time I was the first one to go to bed. Adam snuck down to my tent and sat right outside my unzipped door and we talked. I cried. It wasn't really dramatic or anything, but we just talked about lots of stuff. Mostly how strange it was to be there, camping with our friends, and getting along so well and having such a wonderful time and then realizing that we're totally broken up. Even with other people, both of us. A sad realization when you're in that situation. Like I said, it wasn't dramatic and it didn't turn into any big thing. It was a nice talk. Then he left and went back up to the fire with everyone else (or so I thought) and I went to sleep - not too sad either. I was again, the first to rise and then Adam got up, too and told me that he went to sleep when he left my tent. I was surprised. He is usually the party guy and sleeps the latest. It was seriously like 7am. I wanted to "bathe" in the Colorado River - I was SO dirty! I needed help though - the current was too strong to walk in with all my soap, etc., so Adam came with me. I should note that I kept my swimsuit on the whole time, but it was just so nice. So peaceful. No one but the birds up. We all floated down the river for 5 hours on Sunday and had, yet another, glorious day. It was such a nice weekend. People were making jokes though, I might add, that we got along (Adam and I) better that weekend than the rest of the couples we were with....kinda funny, only not.
Ok, Sunday night. I'm not even super excited to see Chris. Obviously. But because it was such a big deal that I was going on this trip with my ex boyfriend, blah blah blah, I had already promised Chris I would stay at his house the night I got back. Luckily, as soon as I saw him, and as soon as he was SOOOOOOOOO happy to have me back I was fine. I exhaled and all was well. Well, not all (I was still thinking a lot of Adam, but I knew I was doing the right thing. I felt like I was anyway.), but mostly. Ok, so here we are....Chris and Nissa. Hmmm....Is Chris drinking? A lot? Every night? Weird.
Ok, that's the cliff hanger for tonight. I have to go to bed! But I promise to write tomorrow during Wesley's nap! Promise! I brought my laptop, especially for you! (not proof reading, ps)
So really quickly, Chris was absolutely wonderful at first. Perfect. He consistently adored me and showered me with compliments and affection, which was all pretty new to me. It was great. Fabulous, in fact. And I was really attracted to him from day one. Amazing sex, too. Amazing. Best ever, maybe. I was picking up on some red flag type things right away, but thought that I was looking too hard for a problem, so I let them all slide. Girls? We all know not to do this, ever, right? Yes, we do. Anyway, on another note it was a little weird that he knew Adam, and it was even weirder the first time we ran into Adam, but that ended up to be fine. They were excited to see each other and exchanged hugs and chatted it up for a while and exchanged nice words about what a great gal I am, etc. It was fine. The thing that totally sucked about bumping into Adam when I was with Chris was that I would look at Adam and think: he's so cute! and geez, I really miss him and oh - he's so fun! And everyone else would rag on Adam when he would walk away, I guess because they thought that's what I needed to hear. In actuality, that was offending me. I wanted to stick up for him, but Chris would be suspicious if I did that, so I never did.
So two weeks after I got home from my trip to Massachusetts, which was also 2 weeks after Chris and I got more serious, there was a big camping trip for a friend's bday and Adam was going to be there. This meant Chris couldn't go. Adam and I had a little agreement that we wouldn't bring our "dates" to any mutual friends' get togethers for at least a month, and we both were respecting that. The month ended up to be over just after this camping trip. At first I wasn't even going to go because I didn't want it to be too weird with Chris, but then when I saw Adam out and Chris went to the bathroom, Adam whispered to me: "I'm excited to have time with you next weekend, I think we could use it." That's when I decided that I really did want to go, even if Chris was going to be mad. I started to get all rebellious about it, actually. Like - fuck that! He can't tell me what to do! So that helped push me into going. Other than that, Lynette (it was her husbands bday camping trip) would have never forgiven me if I bailed on it. So camping I go. It was such a funnnnnnnnnn weekend. We were in the middle of nowhere, no cell service, no stores, no electricity, no bathrooms. Nothing. It was awesome. I'm not sure I've ever really roughed it like that. It's no Pine Acres, if ya know what I mean. So anyway, great (!) weekend. Perfect. The first night Adam, Ryan (another guy friend), and I sat by the camp fire til 3am just chatting and laughing and having a good ole time. Everyone else (there were 10 of us total) went to bed hours earlier. When it was time for bed, it got awkward for a minute because I wasn't thrilled about sleeping alone in my tent in the wilderness, but it passed (due to consumed alcohol, I'm assuming) quickly. The next morning I was the first one up, just the way I like it, and I snuck quietly out of my tent, cleaned up the mess from the night before and sat by the fire (not lit) and read my book as people slowly started poking their heads out of their tents. We all got up and cooked a big breakfast and then we went white water rafting (more like floating) for 7 hours. Such a beautiful area, such a delightful day. Seriously. Adam and I were on the same boat, and we just had such a nice time. Mostly quiet. The whole boat, just taking in the beauty around us. We saw hawks, beavers, and all kinds of spectacular and breath taking views. Then we did the same thing that night, all crowded around the camp fire, Myles playing his guitar and all of us singing, only this time I was the first one to go to bed. Adam snuck down to my tent and sat right outside my unzipped door and we talked. I cried. It wasn't really dramatic or anything, but we just talked about lots of stuff. Mostly how strange it was to be there, camping with our friends, and getting along so well and having such a wonderful time and then realizing that we're totally broken up. Even with other people, both of us. A sad realization when you're in that situation. Like I said, it wasn't dramatic and it didn't turn into any big thing. It was a nice talk. Then he left and went back up to the fire with everyone else (or so I thought) and I went to sleep - not too sad either. I was again, the first to rise and then Adam got up, too and told me that he went to sleep when he left my tent. I was surprised. He is usually the party guy and sleeps the latest. It was seriously like 7am. I wanted to "bathe" in the Colorado River - I was SO dirty! I needed help though - the current was too strong to walk in with all my soap, etc., so Adam came with me. I should note that I kept my swimsuit on the whole time, but it was just so nice. So peaceful. No one but the birds up. We all floated down the river for 5 hours on Sunday and had, yet another, glorious day. It was such a nice weekend. People were making jokes though, I might add, that we got along (Adam and I) better that weekend than the rest of the couples we were with....kinda funny, only not.
Ok, Sunday night. I'm not even super excited to see Chris. Obviously. But because it was such a big deal that I was going on this trip with my ex boyfriend, blah blah blah, I had already promised Chris I would stay at his house the night I got back. Luckily, as soon as I saw him, and as soon as he was SOOOOOOOOO happy to have me back I was fine. I exhaled and all was well. Well, not all (I was still thinking a lot of Adam, but I knew I was doing the right thing. I felt like I was anyway.), but mostly. Ok, so here we are....Chris and Nissa. Hmmm....Is Chris drinking? A lot? Every night? Weird.
Ok, that's the cliff hanger for tonight. I have to go to bed! But I promise to write tomorrow during Wesley's nap! Promise! I brought my laptop, especially for you! (not proof reading, ps)
Ooops. Out of order...
If you want to go way back and read half of the updated version of what happened when I got back from Massachusetts and went to Chris's house, read the blog entitled "The reality of it is." It's incomplete and I'm so not going to go back over those details, but you might want to read it anyway. It got inserted into the slot after the picture of Chris on the surfboard. It apparently puts them in my by date, even if it was a draft for over a month. Oooooooooook. Now I'm going to get going on the latest updates.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
The reality of it is...
(ok - now i wrote this blog a month ago. seriously. but it was saved as a draft b/c it wasn't finished. i'm going to post it now and try to catch you up without typing 30 pages. read below to see how chris and i were off to such a good start!)
I was pretty close. Really close, in fact. Here is what actually happened:
(Maybe I should make this blog private!??!?! Chris might not be thrilled if he knew all our business was out there for the public to read! He won't know though. I tried to find the blog through google with some key words and I couldn't, so that's good.)
Ok...my flight lands. My dad actually picks me up, not my brother or mother. Off to a rough start? Nah. Ok...
I get dropped off at my mom's and she immediately says: "Did you eat ANYTHING there!?!? You're starving yourself!" Thanks, Mom. It's a little dramatic, but a compliment in her own way. I got busy on my laundry (darks - I really wanted that one particular pair of jeans and that one specific nightie!) and then chatted with Chris about our evening plans. He wanted to cook me dinner....hmmm....ok. What was I going to say? No? It was dinner time. I had to. Ugh. "Turkey tacos ok?" Sure. Ok, I'll just eat one and it won't do any damage. NO BEANS! PLEASE! I called all the Blockbusters between my mom's and his house and NONE of them had Entourage, Season 1. Ugh. I texted Chris this information and he said: "That's ok, I was just planning on buying it. I have to go to Target and get a dvd player anyway. Should I wait for you and we can go together?" Sure. Uh oh...it's getting late. It's already 5pm and I haven't even showered yet! Haven't even plucked yet! Oh no! The panic sets in...oh no! Panic = sweatty Betty! Shit! I just remembered I ran out of deodorant this morning at my grandmother's house before the airport! Please...no sweating! Ok...breathe. Switch your laundry and you MUST start primping for the big night! (By the way, this is all my voice in my head coaching me. I do it all the time. I talk myself in and out of things by the minute.) What if the night's a flop?!?!? DON'T think that way, Missy! Ok...laundry's switched....to the shower I go. My mom is totally going to wonder what is up with me. Mom - tweezers?!!? Yes. Thank GOD! "Don't make yourself bleed, Nissa. He won't think that's pretty." Haha - does she really know me that well? Ok - I did it all - plucked, shaved, crest white strips, all of it. Still no deodorant and oddly, my mom doesn't wear any. She tried to pawn my stepdad's off on me. No thanks. I'd rather not smell like a man tonight of all nights. I was going to wear my black tank top with my favorite jeans, but he's seen that outfit before (it's my uniform). Then it hit me...I have my cute little peasant like top that is white with pink and blue flowers...he'll like that. He compliments me on my clothes sometimes and this is more his speed than my black tank top, I think. Ok, clothes aren't quite dry...blow dry hair. Yes! I like my hair SO much better in the dry climate - Colorado gives me great hair! I picked my face a little too much at the beginning of my primping session, so I need a little more make up than I had hoped but whatever. My idea of a lot of make up is WAY less than most I know and hang out with, so I'm still ok. So far so good. Clothes are dry, mom LOVES the outfit and I'm on my way.... 7:30pm. Oops. A little late. I call him and tell him I'm on my way and he starts dinner. I'm getting butterflies! So exciting!!!! The a/c is ON! Please please don't sweat before I stop at the store and get deodorant (sensitive skin special deodorant, of course! ugh!). First Safeway, coming up. Right on the way...CLOSED! DAMN IT! Ok, there's one right across the street from Chris's house. Ok. A/c will do the trick til then. I called him from Safeway. He's so sweet: "I'm really excited to see you, Nissa." Aw. I just play it cool. Haha. I'm DYING over here!
I was pretty close. Really close, in fact. Here is what actually happened:
(Maybe I should make this blog private!??!?! Chris might not be thrilled if he knew all our business was out there for the public to read! He won't know though. I tried to find the blog through google with some key words and I couldn't, so that's good.)
Ok...my flight lands. My dad actually picks me up, not my brother or mother. Off to a rough start? Nah. Ok...
I get dropped off at my mom's and she immediately says: "Did you eat ANYTHING there!?!? You're starving yourself!" Thanks, Mom. It's a little dramatic, but a compliment in her own way. I got busy on my laundry (darks - I really wanted that one particular pair of jeans and that one specific nightie!) and then chatted with Chris about our evening plans. He wanted to cook me dinner....hmmm....ok. What was I going to say? No? It was dinner time. I had to. Ugh. "Turkey tacos ok?" Sure. Ok, I'll just eat one and it won't do any damage. NO BEANS! PLEASE! I called all the Blockbusters between my mom's and his house and NONE of them had Entourage, Season 1. Ugh. I texted Chris this information and he said: "That's ok, I was just planning on buying it. I have to go to Target and get a dvd player anyway. Should I wait for you and we can go together?" Sure. Uh oh...it's getting late. It's already 5pm and I haven't even showered yet! Haven't even plucked yet! Oh no! The panic sets in...oh no! Panic = sweatty Betty! Shit! I just remembered I ran out of deodorant this morning at my grandmother's house before the airport! Please...no sweating! Ok...breathe. Switch your laundry and you MUST start primping for the big night! (By the way, this is all my voice in my head coaching me. I do it all the time. I talk myself in and out of things by the minute.) What if the night's a flop?!?!? DON'T think that way, Missy! Ok...laundry's switched....to the shower I go. My mom is totally going to wonder what is up with me. Mom - tweezers?!!? Yes. Thank GOD! "Don't make yourself bleed, Nissa. He won't think that's pretty." Haha - does she really know me that well? Ok - I did it all - plucked, shaved, crest white strips, all of it. Still no deodorant and oddly, my mom doesn't wear any. She tried to pawn my stepdad's off on me. No thanks. I'd rather not smell like a man tonight of all nights. I was going to wear my black tank top with my favorite jeans, but he's seen that outfit before (it's my uniform). Then it hit me...I have my cute little peasant like top that is white with pink and blue flowers...he'll like that. He compliments me on my clothes sometimes and this is more his speed than my black tank top, I think. Ok, clothes aren't quite dry...blow dry hair. Yes! I like my hair SO much better in the dry climate - Colorado gives me great hair! I picked my face a little too much at the beginning of my primping session, so I need a little more make up than I had hoped but whatever. My idea of a lot of make up is WAY less than most I know and hang out with, so I'm still ok. So far so good. Clothes are dry, mom LOVES the outfit and I'm on my way.... 7:30pm. Oops. A little late. I call him and tell him I'm on my way and he starts dinner. I'm getting butterflies! So exciting!!!! The a/c is ON! Please please don't sweat before I stop at the store and get deodorant (sensitive skin special deodorant, of course! ugh!). First Safeway, coming up. Right on the way...CLOSED! DAMN IT! Ok, there's one right across the street from Chris's house. Ok. A/c will do the trick til then. I called him from Safeway. He's so sweet: "I'm really excited to see you, Nissa." Aw. I just play it cool. Haha. I'm DYING over here!
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Feels like forever!
I have SO much to tell you....not about my week long trip though! Hahaha. I just want to blog about Chris today. This is so weird. This is kind of a private entry, but I'm going to do it anyway. Be warned...it might be too much information. So yesterday, I flew back to Denver from Boston. On my first leg, I was really wishing I had either my laptop or a pen and paper. I had things on my mind and needed to get them out. During my layover (my 5 minute layover that I had to RUN through the airport to catch the plane) I spotted a bookstore and ran in and grabbed a blank notebook for $2.99! SCORE! As soon as I sat down I started writing....
I'm on my way back to Denver from 7 days away. A much needed 7 days away. It's such a weird time to go back though... My job fiasco, the whole Chris situation... It's all a little crazy in my life right now. Do I even have a job? If I do, do I even want that job? If not, what do I want to do? Nanny again? Move? Go back to school? Ugh! Decisions!
And what about Chris?!?!?! What is going on with him!?!?! What do I want to be going on with him? Is he as great as I think he is? Am I as great as he thinks I am? Well I guess only time will tell. Tonight will be a good little test. As long as I can remain comfortable with him, I think it will be fine. But what if my self conscious side comes out? Oh my god! It's SO going to ! Do I just come out and tell him?!? Do I just say: "Look! I love everything about myself but my naked body!?!?!?" Probably not, huh? He is going to be totally turned off by my discomfort tonight, I know it. He's going to want me to 100% naked and if it's not dark, it's simply NOT happening. The thing is, if I could just be honest and tell him that keeping my nightie on would be beneficial to our whole sexual experience (oh, did I mention that I'm having sex tonight? I am.), we'd be fine. Better than fine, I'd bet. I think we're totally going to be sexually compatible. UNLESS he's going to put too much emphasis on nakedness. Ugh. The thought of it makes me cringe. I've had huge issues with this before. HUGE. It was with Adam and to be honest, I think Chris has been more attracted to me since day one than Adam ever was. Maybe that'll be helpful Well, I know it'll be helpful but maybe not quite enough. It's so annoying! Why do I have to be like this?!?!? It's not even just that I'm chubby - he knows I'm chubby and he's clearly OK with it...he's been trying to jump my bones (hahaha - that made me laugh!) since the 1st hour that I met him.
There are a whole bunch of reasons that I'm freaking out...
1 - I'm a picker. I pick every little thing that's not totally smooth on my whole entire body. Arms, legs, face, butt cheeks, chest, boobs, feet, fingers, all of it. Therefore, there could be red marks anywhere. I pick til I bleed. Daily.
2 - There are 2 spots that would totally gross anyone out if in the right/wrong position. Inner thighs and stomach. Ew.
I could just wear my tine and cute little nightie and avoid all of the discomfort. It's lacey, sweet and tiny - short w/tiny spaghetti straps. Innocent with a touch of sexy - perfect. But I know he's going to want it off. Ugh! FUCK!
Oh - 3 - doggie style??? love it - only in the dark. Ever. With anyone. Who wants their butt(ok, brace yourself)hole up in anyone's plain sight? Not me! Skinny or chubby, no thanks! No! Never! Unless, of course, the lights are out. Not pitch black, but close.
4 - And Chris is so going to be the guy who will watch my face to make sure I'm enjoying it. Can be awkward, can be smooth and just fine. Hahaha. Soooo awkward though, potentially. (I'm secretly scolding myself: GROW UP!)
Pray for darkness and pray that when we have wake up sex, tomorrow, he'll be more accepting of me being in my nightie. Perfect scenario:
My flight lands, my mom or brother are there to pick me up. I go to my mom's, start my laundry (dark - favorite jeans and cute nightie!), pluck, shave, shower. Squeaky clean and mostly hairless from head to toe. Brush teeth. Moisturize from head to toe. Blow dry my hair - he loves my hair - did I mention that? *Side note: he has complimented my name, voice, hair, confidence, lips, white shirt that I wore on our first date - a lot. He's quite generous with compliments.* Apply small amount of make up. Enough to cover up redness in right brow area and gaping pores, but little enough that he thinks I don't wear much (oh - he complimented me on that already more than once, too - fyi). Write in blog while I wait for my clothes to dry. By now it's 5:30pm. I think I'll paint my toes or go for a cheap pedi on the way to his house. If he hasn't found Entourage, Season 1, I'll stop by each Blockbuster along the way. I probably won't eat because I'll be too nervous. I'll eat on the way home from the airport, that'll be enough. Keep tummy on the flatter side for 1st time sex with Chris! Oooooooook. Call him when I'm close. 7pmish. Pull into his complex and calm my nerve with a reminder that he adores me. Deep breath, deep breath. Whooooooooooooooo. Ok. I'm also meeting the dogs for the 1st time. Ugh. He's super excited for me to meet the girls...somehow he got the impression that I'm a dog lover. Hmmmm. Why? I can be friendly but do NOT sniff my crotch or lick my feet! Do girl dogs sniff crotches? Who says crotches? Ew.
Ok, he opens the door....aw, he's cuter than I remembered. Always is. He really is adorable and when I don't see him for a couple of days I forget. We hug, my arms on top - always are. That's how we fit. We kiss. And kiss a few more times. I'm thinking no tongue for a little while. Maybe though. We are great kissers together and tend to make out. A lot. But not obnoxiously in public. So far, in public, it's been quite affectionate, but we've managed to wait til the car to make out. Haha. But always, he gives off the vibe that he totally would make out anywhere, if I would. But he's respectful and a gentleman. And actually, when it comes down to it, I don't think he would slip me the tongue in public. I love that he wants to though. He stares just long enough that I know he likes me but short of being creepy. Way short of being creepy. He has a very sweet stare. More like he's interested and wants to know me. Our first (sober) kiss (we were wasted when we met and smooched!) - which I will forever consider our first kiss - was unexpected and perfect. We were in a coffee shop waiting for my latte and I turned around and it just happened. We gracefully collided right there and we both went in for the sweetest kiss at the exact same time. Met in the middle. It was the sweetest thing. How's that for a tangent? Ok....his house. I arrive.
We hug, kiss, meet Sequoia and Selawick, he finishes up doing whatever he was doing and then eventually we cozy up on the couch. I wish it was dark (outside), but it's not quite. I keep my street clothes on and we have to figure out how we fit on his couch together. It's our first time cuddling on the couch. Funnnn. I hope. He's short, but wide. An inch shorter than I am but his shoulders are broader. I had to be behind Adam or he couldn't see the tv. That sucked. I hated it. How will Chris and I put? Ew. Awkward again. Wait - didn't I just say funnn??? Ok, yes. Funnnn. But we'll figure that out. Entourage, Season 1 begins. We love it! Chris CRACKS up - I love love love his laugh! He'll probably try to curb his enthusiasm, as to not yell in my ear or thras around - his laugh is crazy. Awesome. And I'll tell him not to hold back but I'll still notice his chest inflating and he'll be trying to hold it in. Moving right along... Depending on how long Season 1 is, we either get sleepy or it ends and we (one of us) suggests bed. I suggest sleep and he suggests bed, both having the same intentions. It's dark. He wants to turn on the tv ( because he sleeps with it on - ick) and I slyly swoop in and kiss him away from the tv and say something smooth like: "We won't be watching anymore tv tonight, Hot Stuff." Just kidding. But I'll say something to get the tv to stay off. Whew. Darkness. There are lights outside his bedroom window that cast a glow into his room through the slats of his blinds, but just enough - not too much. (I took notice of this the first time I slept there - just in case)
The sex is as we both imagine it will be. Scorpio to Scorpio. Both more giving than taking. Passionate, but not crazy. Sensual, and not boring. Crazy will come, but not the first time or the second. Boring will never come. The stars and planets say so. Oh - and Chris? Not too big, but not too small. I hate both extremes and this will align with most everything else Chris has to offer. This adventure happily comes to an end and we're both sleepily smiling. I thank Chris and he tells me it was all he had hoped for and worth the wait. We sleep. At some point, because I know I will, I slip out of bed and put my mightie back on and go to the bathroom (you know you're supposed to pee after sex!). I slide back into bed, we kiss and go back to sleep. At first light one of us wakes the other one up and we have our first go at morning sex. Different than the night before, but pleasing just the same. I keep my nightie on this time and it's acceptable - this is the only iffy part. I hope it's acceptable. Some people like skin to skin - always. This time I'll totally be on top. Funnnn.
I'm really looking foward to this night/next morning being similar to this journal entry. High expectations? That's the way I roll. No, but really...this is the best case scenario. But I also think it's fairly realistic. Chris and I have been oddly connected since first meeting. He has politely asked me: "Get out of my head!" on more than one occasion. I could be right on here. All but the penis size - I'm not psychic, just intuitive.
How long our morning lasts will depend on whether or not I have a job to go to. Ugh. What a shitty snap back to reality. This will have to be dealt with asap. I'm pissed. Ok - now I've been writing since take off and we're 33 minutes from landing! How funnn! I'm SO glad I stopped in the bookstore to grab this notebook! I'll keep you posted! Sooooooooooon! I promsie!
Ok - now that was yesterday. The night occurred and I'll be honest - I wasn't too far off at all! It was awesome. I'm EXHAUSTED and have to go to bed. I'll write tomorrow with an update. I hope it wasn't too honest for you - it was me writing on paper not ever planning on putting it here so it's a little more blunt. But it's truthful, that's for sure! I'm not rereading - too tired. Sorry for errors, but I'll correct them tomorrow! I'm going to get back into leaving you with a song. Here is the lucky song of the day:
Need Your Space by Jason Vigil (this is who Chris and I went to see on our first date.)
Looking into me a different side you see and you don't mind it, you seem to like it
The crazy things I say, you turn a smile my way, and I don't mind it, in fact I like it
In fact I like it, you
Looking into you and everything you do, oh I like it, do you mind it
The way you look, your eyes, caught me by surprise, and I can't hide it, don't try to fight it
No need to fight it, no
And I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
Need your space
When you look at me I wonder what you see, does it make you happy?
Stunned by a glance, let's give us a chance 'cause you make me happy
And I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
Need your space, need your space, oh love, oh love
I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
Need your space, need your space, need your space
I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
I'm on my way back to Denver from 7 days away. A much needed 7 days away. It's such a weird time to go back though... My job fiasco, the whole Chris situation... It's all a little crazy in my life right now. Do I even have a job? If I do, do I even want that job? If not, what do I want to do? Nanny again? Move? Go back to school? Ugh! Decisions!
And what about Chris?!?!?! What is going on with him!?!?! What do I want to be going on with him? Is he as great as I think he is? Am I as great as he thinks I am? Well I guess only time will tell. Tonight will be a good little test. As long as I can remain comfortable with him, I think it will be fine. But what if my self conscious side comes out? Oh my god! It's SO going to ! Do I just come out and tell him?!? Do I just say: "Look! I love everything about myself but my naked body!?!?!?" Probably not, huh? He is going to be totally turned off by my discomfort tonight, I know it. He's going to want me to 100% naked and if it's not dark, it's simply NOT happening. The thing is, if I could just be honest and tell him that keeping my nightie on would be beneficial to our whole sexual experience (oh, did I mention that I'm having sex tonight? I am.), we'd be fine. Better than fine, I'd bet. I think we're totally going to be sexually compatible. UNLESS he's going to put too much emphasis on nakedness. Ugh. The thought of it makes me cringe. I've had huge issues with this before. HUGE. It was with Adam and to be honest, I think Chris has been more attracted to me since day one than Adam ever was. Maybe that'll be helpful Well, I know it'll be helpful but maybe not quite enough. It's so annoying! Why do I have to be like this?!?!? It's not even just that I'm chubby - he knows I'm chubby and he's clearly OK with it...he's been trying to jump my bones (hahaha - that made me laugh!) since the 1st hour that I met him.
There are a whole bunch of reasons that I'm freaking out...
1 - I'm a picker. I pick every little thing that's not totally smooth on my whole entire body. Arms, legs, face, butt cheeks, chest, boobs, feet, fingers, all of it. Therefore, there could be red marks anywhere. I pick til I bleed. Daily.
2 - There are 2 spots that would totally gross anyone out if in the right/wrong position. Inner thighs and stomach. Ew.
I could just wear my tine and cute little nightie and avoid all of the discomfort. It's lacey, sweet and tiny - short w/tiny spaghetti straps. Innocent with a touch of sexy - perfect. But I know he's going to want it off. Ugh! FUCK!
Oh - 3 - doggie style??? love it - only in the dark. Ever. With anyone. Who wants their butt(ok, brace yourself)hole up in anyone's plain sight? Not me! Skinny or chubby, no thanks! No! Never! Unless, of course, the lights are out. Not pitch black, but close.
4 - And Chris is so going to be the guy who will watch my face to make sure I'm enjoying it. Can be awkward, can be smooth and just fine. Hahaha. Soooo awkward though, potentially. (I'm secretly scolding myself: GROW UP!)
Pray for darkness and pray that when we have wake up sex, tomorrow, he'll be more accepting of me being in my nightie. Perfect scenario:
My flight lands, my mom or brother are there to pick me up. I go to my mom's, start my laundry (dark - favorite jeans and cute nightie!), pluck, shave, shower. Squeaky clean and mostly hairless from head to toe. Brush teeth. Moisturize from head to toe. Blow dry my hair - he loves my hair - did I mention that? *Side note: he has complimented my name, voice, hair, confidence, lips, white shirt that I wore on our first date - a lot. He's quite generous with compliments.* Apply small amount of make up. Enough to cover up redness in right brow area and gaping pores, but little enough that he thinks I don't wear much (oh - he complimented me on that already more than once, too - fyi). Write in blog while I wait for my clothes to dry. By now it's 5:30pm. I think I'll paint my toes or go for a cheap pedi on the way to his house. If he hasn't found Entourage, Season 1, I'll stop by each Blockbuster along the way. I probably won't eat because I'll be too nervous. I'll eat on the way home from the airport, that'll be enough. Keep tummy on the flatter side for 1st time sex with Chris! Oooooooook. Call him when I'm close. 7pmish. Pull into his complex and calm my nerve with a reminder that he adores me. Deep breath, deep breath. Whooooooooooooooo. Ok. I'm also meeting the dogs for the 1st time. Ugh. He's super excited for me to meet the girls...somehow he got the impression that I'm a dog lover. Hmmmm. Why? I can be friendly but do NOT sniff my crotch or lick my feet! Do girl dogs sniff crotches? Who says crotches? Ew.
Ok, he opens the door....aw, he's cuter than I remembered. Always is. He really is adorable and when I don't see him for a couple of days I forget. We hug, my arms on top - always are. That's how we fit. We kiss. And kiss a few more times. I'm thinking no tongue for a little while. Maybe though. We are great kissers together and tend to make out. A lot. But not obnoxiously in public. So far, in public, it's been quite affectionate, but we've managed to wait til the car to make out. Haha. But always, he gives off the vibe that he totally would make out anywhere, if I would. But he's respectful and a gentleman. And actually, when it comes down to it, I don't think he would slip me the tongue in public. I love that he wants to though. He stares just long enough that I know he likes me but short of being creepy. Way short of being creepy. He has a very sweet stare. More like he's interested and wants to know me. Our first (sober) kiss (we were wasted when we met and smooched!) - which I will forever consider our first kiss - was unexpected and perfect. We were in a coffee shop waiting for my latte and I turned around and it just happened. We gracefully collided right there and we both went in for the sweetest kiss at the exact same time. Met in the middle. It was the sweetest thing. How's that for a tangent? Ok....his house. I arrive.
We hug, kiss, meet Sequoia and Selawick, he finishes up doing whatever he was doing and then eventually we cozy up on the couch. I wish it was dark (outside), but it's not quite. I keep my street clothes on and we have to figure out how we fit on his couch together. It's our first time cuddling on the couch. Funnnn. I hope. He's short, but wide. An inch shorter than I am but his shoulders are broader. I had to be behind Adam or he couldn't see the tv. That sucked. I hated it. How will Chris and I put? Ew. Awkward again. Wait - didn't I just say funnn??? Ok, yes. Funnnn. But we'll figure that out. Entourage, Season 1 begins. We love it! Chris CRACKS up - I love love love his laugh! He'll probably try to curb his enthusiasm, as to not yell in my ear or thras around - his laugh is crazy. Awesome. And I'll tell him not to hold back but I'll still notice his chest inflating and he'll be trying to hold it in. Moving right along... Depending on how long Season 1 is, we either get sleepy or it ends and we (one of us) suggests bed. I suggest sleep and he suggests bed, both having the same intentions. It's dark. He wants to turn on the tv ( because he sleeps with it on - ick) and I slyly swoop in and kiss him away from the tv and say something smooth like: "We won't be watching anymore tv tonight, Hot Stuff." Just kidding. But I'll say something to get the tv to stay off. Whew. Darkness. There are lights outside his bedroom window that cast a glow into his room through the slats of his blinds, but just enough - not too much. (I took notice of this the first time I slept there - just in case)
The sex is as we both imagine it will be. Scorpio to Scorpio. Both more giving than taking. Passionate, but not crazy. Sensual, and not boring. Crazy will come, but not the first time or the second. Boring will never come. The stars and planets say so. Oh - and Chris? Not too big, but not too small. I hate both extremes and this will align with most everything else Chris has to offer. This adventure happily comes to an end and we're both sleepily smiling. I thank Chris and he tells me it was all he had hoped for and worth the wait. We sleep. At some point, because I know I will, I slip out of bed and put my mightie back on and go to the bathroom (you know you're supposed to pee after sex!). I slide back into bed, we kiss and go back to sleep. At first light one of us wakes the other one up and we have our first go at morning sex. Different than the night before, but pleasing just the same. I keep my nightie on this time and it's acceptable - this is the only iffy part. I hope it's acceptable. Some people like skin to skin - always. This time I'll totally be on top. Funnnn.
I'm really looking foward to this night/next morning being similar to this journal entry. High expectations? That's the way I roll. No, but really...this is the best case scenario. But I also think it's fairly realistic. Chris and I have been oddly connected since first meeting. He has politely asked me: "Get out of my head!" on more than one occasion. I could be right on here. All but the penis size - I'm not psychic, just intuitive.
How long our morning lasts will depend on whether or not I have a job to go to. Ugh. What a shitty snap back to reality. This will have to be dealt with asap. I'm pissed. Ok - now I've been writing since take off and we're 33 minutes from landing! How funnn! I'm SO glad I stopped in the bookstore to grab this notebook! I'll keep you posted! Sooooooooooon! I promsie!
Ok - now that was yesterday. The night occurred and I'll be honest - I wasn't too far off at all! It was awesome. I'm EXHAUSTED and have to go to bed. I'll write tomorrow with an update. I hope it wasn't too honest for you - it was me writing on paper not ever planning on putting it here so it's a little more blunt. But it's truthful, that's for sure! I'm not rereading - too tired. Sorry for errors, but I'll correct them tomorrow! I'm going to get back into leaving you with a song. Here is the lucky song of the day:
Need Your Space by Jason Vigil (this is who Chris and I went to see on our first date.)
Looking into me a different side you see and you don't mind it, you seem to like it
The crazy things I say, you turn a smile my way, and I don't mind it, in fact I like it
In fact I like it, you
Looking into you and everything you do, oh I like it, do you mind it
The way you look, your eyes, caught me by surprise, and I can't hide it, don't try to fight it
No need to fight it, no
And I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
Need your space
When you look at me I wonder what you see, does it make you happy?
Stunned by a glance, let's give us a chance 'cause you make me happy
And I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
Need your space, need your space, oh love, oh love
I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
Need your space, need your space, need your space
I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Match? SUCH a good idea!
...and that's all I'm going to say about that! For now, anyway. However, I would like to share some photos with you all...my cute "date" outfit last night and my even cuter shoes!!! I had my brother take pics of me before I left. It was really cute...like it was my first date or something. I got ready at my mom's and my whole family was there to wish me well and tell me how pretty I looked, etc. It was funny. Anyway, here they are:
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Where do I even begin!?!?!?
Ok, let's start by saying I have good days and bad days with this break up. Today is a pretty good day, so far (it's not even 11am). Yesterday was a terrible terrible day! I woke up crying and continued crying until I got to my mom's house at 3pm. It really helped to be around my family and I stayed there until 8pm, when I had to get Wesley home for bed. Luckily, Wesley was a good little boy all day long and he helped me smile through my tears. Even Calvin was saying: "Auntie, what's wrong? Don't cry, Auntie." Very sweet, but also a little embarrassing. Haha. Oh well. The tears have dried for now. I'm just still so torn that Adam is seeing someone else. Wait...did I tell you guys that yet? I can't even remember my last blog entry! Anyway, yes...Adam's seeing a 21 year old virgin who doesn't smoke pot. On the one hand, it's good. Great, in fact, because she will keep us from getting back together - I called him 2 nights ago and he said he couldn't come over to my house because he felt like he would be cheating on her. Weird. That's what started the tears and why they continued on through yesterday. I just didn't think that in 2 weeks he'd be building on a relationship like he is. But I'm better today - realizing more and more each minute that this is what needs to happen - the bridges need to be completely burned down so that we're not going back and forth anymore, and I think that's what's happening now. Burn baby, burn!! I have a birthday party to go to on Friday night for Artis (a mutual friend) and I'm sure he'll be there - what if he brings her? He won't. But what if he does?!?!? That will be a total disaster. We'll cross that bridge when we get there. In the mean time...
I've updated my match profile. I need a distraction - not a boyfriend - just a distraction. Belle and Wesley combined aren't serving as enough of a distraction, so here comes dating I guess. I'm a little nervous - kind of nervous that I'll just start bawling in the middle of a date! Ha. Wouldn't that be something! No, no. That won't happen. (positive thinking works, right?) And about this match thing...wouldn't you know it! I've gotten a handful of emails and a bunch of winks in the last 2 days since I updated my profile and they're almost all under 5'5". I don't really want to change my height requirements for a date, but I was kind of looking forward to looking up into my dates eyes, as opposed to down into his eyes. Haha. Oh well...I refuse to discriminate on height and weight. So far. We'll see.
On another note, a great opportunity might be headed my way... A good friend of mine has a friend who is a nanny in LA, for 2 famous people (I don't want to put their names, because what if they google their own names and find this blog??? I don't want that to happen.). This particular nanny in LA is leaving her job in 4 weeks and called my friend here and asked her for my number...she is trying to help her bosses look for a replacement and supposedly I should be getting a phone call any minute! How GREAT would that be?!?!?!? 4 weeks isn't very long to tie up ALL my shit here though, but I would SO figure out a way to do it. I love Wesley and I would really miss him but COME ON! It sounds so amazing! I would (hopefully) sell my car, let the people I rent from know that I would be out in 30 days, give my notice at my job and pack my shit and GO! And don't forget...my great friend, Alex, is a nanny in Santa Barbara so we wouldn't be too far from each other...fun fun fun! I have NO idea what this job is all about. None. All I know is that nannying is involved and it is in LA. Seriously - 2 half time jobs could not be so great. Does part time mean that I wouldn't get all the great benefits that a full time nanny would get? But it IS that one really funny actor and also that one singer who has been around forever...they MUST take care of their nannies, right?!?! I guess I just have to hope for the best and wait to hear from them, I hate the waiting place...it's a most useless space...(name that book). If the money was right, I would seriously work around the clock for a while. I haven't really worked my butt off in a longgggg time and I could get all my bills paid off and enjoy no time to think for a while. Yes - I would SO love working my butt off around the clock, living in a new place that I've never even visited(!!!!), and making a little extra cash to get caught up on my debt. I really don't have much debt, but enough that it hangs over my head more days than it doesn't. I guess if this job doesn't pan out I could always just hit up an agency in that neck of the woods and see what's out there, huh? Well, I'll wait a little while before I do that, but it's at least an option. Wish me luck!!!!
I've updated my match profile. I need a distraction - not a boyfriend - just a distraction. Belle and Wesley combined aren't serving as enough of a distraction, so here comes dating I guess. I'm a little nervous - kind of nervous that I'll just start bawling in the middle of a date! Ha. Wouldn't that be something! No, no. That won't happen. (positive thinking works, right?) And about this match thing...wouldn't you know it! I've gotten a handful of emails and a bunch of winks in the last 2 days since I updated my profile and they're almost all under 5'5". I don't really want to change my height requirements for a date, but I was kind of looking forward to looking up into my dates eyes, as opposed to down into his eyes. Haha. Oh well...I refuse to discriminate on height and weight. So far. We'll see.
On another note, a great opportunity might be headed my way... A good friend of mine has a friend who is a nanny in LA, for 2 famous people (I don't want to put their names, because what if they google their own names and find this blog??? I don't want that to happen.). This particular nanny in LA is leaving her job in 4 weeks and called my friend here and asked her for my number...she is trying to help her bosses look for a replacement and supposedly I should be getting a phone call any minute! How GREAT would that be?!?!?!? 4 weeks isn't very long to tie up ALL my shit here though, but I would SO figure out a way to do it. I love Wesley and I would really miss him but COME ON! It sounds so amazing! I would (hopefully) sell my car, let the people I rent from know that I would be out in 30 days, give my notice at my job and pack my shit and GO! And don't forget...my great friend, Alex, is a nanny in Santa Barbara so we wouldn't be too far from each other...fun fun fun! I have NO idea what this job is all about. None. All I know is that nannying is involved and it is in LA. Seriously - 2 half time jobs could not be so great. Does part time mean that I wouldn't get all the great benefits that a full time nanny would get? But it IS that one really funny actor and also that one singer who has been around forever...they MUST take care of their nannies, right?!?! I guess I just have to hope for the best and wait to hear from them, I hate the waiting place...it's a most useless space...(name that book). If the money was right, I would seriously work around the clock for a while. I haven't really worked my butt off in a longgggg time and I could get all my bills paid off and enjoy no time to think for a while. Yes - I would SO love working my butt off around the clock, living in a new place that I've never even visited(!!!!), and making a little extra cash to get caught up on my debt. I really don't have much debt, but enough that it hangs over my head more days than it doesn't. I guess if this job doesn't pan out I could always just hit up an agency in that neck of the woods and see what's out there, huh? Well, I'll wait a little while before I do that, but it's at least an option. Wish me luck!!!!
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Bad Idea
Today absolutely sucked. No other way to put it. I showed up 2 hours late, kind of on purpose (wasn't sure if going was a good idea, so I kind of waited it out until Lynette and Tiffany convinced me: "You must move on and take this step, Nissa." Of course Adam was there - front and center. I instantly could tell I was going to burst into tears so I casually turned myself around and walked the other way - right smack into his twin brother. Fun. He just took one look at me and said: "Walk it off, baby girl, walk it off." Fair enough - and I did. After a small walk away, I went back into the party and got myself a paper cup of red wine....aaaaaahh. I returned Adam's smile from a distance and kept my *fake* smile planted on my face for a solid hour, tears intermittently sneaking there way out of my eyes (thank goodness for dark sunglasses). Adam eventually came over and said hello and gave me an awkward hug. Ugh. And then he asked me to go for a walk. Dumb. I said yes. Ugh. I'm KICKING myself. Adam's intentions were to sneak in a quickie in the woods - not so fast, Buster. Instead, it turned into a relationship discussion- you know the one. The one that totally FLOORS you and makes you feel as dumb as you've ever felt - that one. Adam started in with how happy he's been since I broke up with him and how he's never felt so "unjudged" in all his life. He can come and go as he pleases, he can smoke as much pot as he wants, he can shave his chest, take off his shirt flex his muscles and work out for hours without ever having to answer the phone to someone saying: "Why haven't you spent the night with me in so long?" That, I guess, is me on the other end of the phone - crazy for wanting to spend 1 or 2 nights a week with my boyfriend. The pressure - it's gone from his shoulders and he is a free man. All I could do was cry. Not sob, not even whine. Just tears - they wouldn't stop. I just looked at him and said: "I know. The worst thing in the world is when someone likes and loves you so much that they want to spend the night with you once in a while." He was speechless at that for about 20 seconds and then kissed me on the cheek and realized how mean what he had said was. All I could do was stand up and walk away. Stunned. He later found me on his way out and told me that he was sorry for making me cry, kissed me on the cheek and asked me if he could call me. I couldn't answer. I just turned away. Fun. What a fun day. Oh - and Mikie. Ugh...
I had a fantastic time with Mikie - we drove to the mountains (Vail), we hung out in Lodo, we spent hours upon hours with Belle (bathing her, riding her and just having a good old time out there!), we saw great music, we laughed and talked and laughed. NO CHEMISTRY whatsoever - romantic chemistry, that is. Today, as I was dropping Mikie off, I just knew it was coming...I'm not tooting my horn, I could just feel it in my bones!
Mikie: So....
(Nissa's thoughts: NO NO NO PLEASE DON'T SAY IT!!!)
Mikie: I don't want to ruin anything here, but if we should ever find ourselves on a romantic cruise somewhere, you should know I still have a pretty huge crush on you...
Nissa: *nervous giggle* hahaha - Oh, Mikie. Hahaha. Oooooooook. Have a great flight! Bye!
AAAAAAhhhhhhhhhh! WHY!?!?!? And it was going to be so fun to have him back in my life as a friend. I hope I can get past this weirdness that I let that one sentence create! UGH UGH UGH a thousand times today, all around.
I had a fantastic time with Mikie - we drove to the mountains (Vail), we hung out in Lodo, we spent hours upon hours with Belle (bathing her, riding her and just having a good old time out there!), we saw great music, we laughed and talked and laughed. NO CHEMISTRY whatsoever - romantic chemistry, that is. Today, as I was dropping Mikie off, I just knew it was coming...I'm not tooting my horn, I could just feel it in my bones!
Mikie: So....
(Nissa's thoughts: NO NO NO PLEASE DON'T SAY IT!!!)
Mikie: I don't want to ruin anything here, but if we should ever find ourselves on a romantic cruise somewhere, you should know I still have a pretty huge crush on you...
Nissa: *nervous giggle* hahaha - Oh, Mikie. Hahaha. Oooooooook. Have a great flight! Bye!
AAAAAAhhhhhhhhhh! WHY!?!?!? And it was going to be so fun to have him back in my life as a friend. I hope I can get past this weirdness that I let that one sentence create! UGH UGH UGH a thousand times today, all around.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Tomorrow will be a big day...
Tomorrow is going to be the first time I see Adam since we officially broke up last week. I'm SO nervous. I'm not absolutely positive that I'll see him, but I'm pretty sure. It's a 4th of July party that all of our friends will be at and I'm going. I weighed it out and I just don't want to miss out on it because he might be there. Ugh. I'm feeling very nervous for Mikie to leave because he has been such a fun distraction to the fact that I miss Adam. AAAAHHHH! Wish me luck! Actually - let's just pray that Adam won't be there and this won't be an issue! Yes - manifestation - Adam is NOT even going to be at this party, so what a pointless blog!!!! Whew!
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Because you're all DYING to know!!!!
Mikie is here and we are having a blast! So much fun, but no romantic sparks! I knew the second I laid eyes on him that it was going to be just like old times - buddies, for sure! He is a doll, but we are more like brother and sister than anything else - it's awesome. Like we never skipped a beat in 15 years! Our plans have been somewhat diverted, but still having a great time. Mikie ended up coming in Saturday morning and we went to breakfast with my dad and then went out to see Belle, and then back to Denver to take a nap (it was 100 degrees out and sleeping in the a/c was the only thing that sounded like a relief from the heat) and then we went out to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory on the 16th Street Mall, had a drink downtown and headed home - in bed by midnight. Fun fun day. And then today we got up early, went for coffee and headed to Vail - we stopped at the outlet shops on the way up - and had lunch in the cooler (it was 86 up there and 100 down here) weather in the beautiful mountains. Tomorrow or the next day I will load pics. I'm excited that we have two more days of fun stuff! I'll keep you posted!!!
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
My plans for Mikie's visit
So I do believe Mikie is flying in Friday night - it's perfect because I'm house/dog sitting at my brother's house in Denver til Sunday, so we'll stay there. On Saturday I think we'll have either breakfast or lunch with my dad and then (depending on the weather) we'll go to Elitches! He LOVES rides though and I get kinda sick on anything other than the roller coasters, so we'll see. Saturday night my friends are having a small bbq for us - well not for us. Yes, for us I guess. They're just having us over for dinner (they live close to Jesse's) and then we're going out in Denver to the bars and whatever. Then on Sunday we'll...well I don't know what we'll do. Sleep in, I'm assuming and then maybe lunch on 32nd and Lowell or the 16th Street Mall??? I don't know. Then Sunday night we'll move over to my house. Maybe we'll see a movie or something that night or go out to see Belle. And then Monday I have to work all day, so I think I'll leave Mikie on his own for a little while (he can maybe just take my car for a while) and then we'll meet down on Pearl Street for lunch and maybe a walk on the Boulder Creek Path - it's fun to watch the tubers and stuff down at Eben G. Fine and I think it's so pretty. Then when I get off work on Monday we're going back to Denver to see Edwin McCain!!! I LOVE LOVE him - I've seen him twice a year for the last 5 or 6 years! When I asked Mikie if he'd go with me he replied: "Yes, sure! Who is he?" Hahaha. So he's all for going, but he doesn't know who he is. Oh well - hope he likes him, because those of you who know me know that I'll be SO into my own little world, snapping my fingers and stuff, that I won't be able to give him much goondooo. And then Tuesday I have to work from 8am-10am and then we're off to Estes Park!!! Funnnn! I love it up there - all the elk and stuff and it's so pretty! A beautiful drive, too! And THEN (geesh!) we're headed BACK to Denver to go to a Rockies game. Maybe. I think. Neither of us are die hard baseball fans, but agreed games are always fun - and it's a fireworks game. However, rockpile tix are already sold out and that was what we were going to do. And then he goes home. Boooooo. Well, I think booo. Maybe I'll be dying for him to leave! Who knows!?!?!? I hope it's as much fun as we both think it's going to be!
Hmmm....I can't think of a song to go here. Next time...
Hmmm....I can't think of a song to go here. Next time...
Here's the update:
So I still haven't given in and seen Adam - I haven't even talked to him, in fact, in a couple of days. I emailed him yesterday and really gave it to him - better than I ever have and I haven't heard a word since. It's so not like him to not call and try to defend himself, but at the end of the email I asked him not to respond, not to call me and to leave me alone if he saw me. Oddly, he has listened and respected that so far. We shall see and I shall keep you posted!
Compliments of JoDee Messina:
Boy, you sure look good there standing in the doorway in the sun-setting light
Maybe I read you wrong thinking you could be my Mr. Right
I was putting my heart and soul on the line
Said you needed some time just a little more time to make up your mind
Well, it's been long enough The time is up
Bye, bye, love I'll catch you later
Got a lead foot down on my accelerator and the rearview mirror torn off
I ain't never looking back and that's a fact
I've tried all I can imagine I've begged and pleaded in true lovers fashion
I've got pride, I'm taking it for a ride
Bye, bye,Bye, bye, my baby Bye, bye
Don't think all those tears are gonna hold me here like they've done before
You'll find what's left of us in a cloud of dust on Highway 4
Baby, what did you expect me to do?Just sit around and wait on you?
Well, I'm through watching you just skate around the truth and I know it sounds trite
I've seen the light
Bye, bye, love...
Compliments of JoDee Messina:
Boy, you sure look good there standing in the doorway in the sun-setting light
Maybe I read you wrong thinking you could be my Mr. Right
I was putting my heart and soul on the line
Said you needed some time just a little more time to make up your mind
Well, it's been long enough The time is up
Bye, bye, love I'll catch you later
Got a lead foot down on my accelerator and the rearview mirror torn off
I ain't never looking back and that's a fact
I've tried all I can imagine I've begged and pleaded in true lovers fashion
I've got pride, I'm taking it for a ride
Bye, bye,Bye, bye, my baby Bye, bye
Don't think all those tears are gonna hold me here like they've done before
You'll find what's left of us in a cloud of dust on Highway 4
Baby, what did you expect me to do?Just sit around and wait on you?
Well, I'm through watching you just skate around the truth and I know it sounds trite
I've seen the light
Bye, bye, love...
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Guess Who is Coming to Visit?!?!?
MIKIE! I'm SO excited. A little nervous, too, I must admit. But it's just an old friend coming for a visit, right? Right. I love company, so that's good. As long as we get along. Ha! Imagine? That would totally suck. I don't think that will happen. Maybe no sparks, but that'll be OK. Friends are good. Friends are great, actually!!!
FUNNN weekend!
So yesterday I was supposed to spend ALL day in a CPR class - I was NOT excited about it. Things happened and I didn't end up going...bummer because I'm going to have to make it up, but hooray because I had such a fun Saturday!!!
Debra and I went to breakfast at this place we found in Niwot called the Garden Gate Cafe. I finally found a good little breakfast spot that reminded me so much of all the breakfast places at home. It was so cute and had that same feeling that Eric's Place has and I LOVE that! And right from there I went out and rode Belle for 2 hours - it was SO hot, but we had such a productive ride and it was the perfect 2 hours with her. And then Debra and I went down to Larimer Square - they were having a street art fair - La Piazza something something - it was street chalk and it was AMAZING! Ok, well I tried to add the pictures here, after I talked about the art fair, but it put the pictures at the top. Oh well. So anyway, it was GREAT! Pretty small and it was about 100 degrees outside, so I felt REALLY sorry for these poor artists, but they seemed to be enjoying themselves, nonetheless.
After that, I went back to my brother's house and got ready for our girl's night out planned for Alex's last weekend in town, sort of a goodbye to Alex/fun night out with her girlfriends. It started off on the right foot, because despite being an hour late, I was having a GREAT hair night and I was looking all tanned up and I was feeling gooooooood about being single! So the night just got better and better as it went on. It was such a nice fitting group of girls - everyone got along with everyone and we all just chatted and laughed and had SO much FUN! However, I'm not feeling tip top today, that's for sure. I even had to make myself....well.....get sick this morning in an attempt at feeling better - then I took a 2 hour nap and that helped. I got to wake up with my nephew jumping on me saying: "Time to get up, Auntie!" It was fun. And then my dad came over to my brother's house and Jesse cooked us all blueberry pancakes (the best I've ever had, in fact) and scrambled eggs. It was such a nice weekend. Now I'm off to take another nap and then I'm going to watch the twins tonight! I LOVED this weekend!
I've been slipping on the songs - I TOTALLY forgot! I'll try to be better about that - I want that to my "thing" but I keep forgetting!!!
Hahaha - this is a good one!
Well I really had a ball last night
I held all the pretty boys tight
I was feelin' single seein' double
Wound up in a whole lot of trouble
But today I'll face the big fight but
I really had a ball last night
Oh, by the way - I'm still totally single. Adam's been calling 20 times a day, texting all kinds of I love yous and promises and I haven't caved yet - WOOHOO! I haven't seen him since Tuesday!!!!
Friday, June 22, 2007
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Just one more...
So I just want to make sure that you scroll to the next page. Go all the way to Hit the Hay - because I added 12 posts tonight and you won't get the scoop on Adam if you don't go all the way to And So the Story Goes. K. Just making sure. G'night!
Birthday Candles
This is my mom and my nephew, blowing the candles out on her bday. I'm so excited!!! I get to hang out with Cal for a little while tomorrow evening. I never get one on one time with him, and it's SO fun!!
I guess it will have to go like this:
I don't quite know how to do more than one photo and caption it. I'll have to do separate posts. Ok... This is Belle! My favorite girl, my sanity. Love her!
Nevermind
That was dumb. Who wants to scroll all the way down? Not me. Ok, so just scroll down a little and you'll see Ben - the stallion that had his semen shipped last week. Other than that, here are the other pics I want to share with you.
Above is the picture I took of myself tonight to send to Mikie.
Now that I have a new camera...
I'm going to add some more pics. Scroll down and look at the pics that I added to the blogs. FUNNNN!
So.... Mikie!
This is just a tiny little tidbit. Do you think I might be crushing on my old friend Mikie?!?!? Is that why it feels so easy to leave Adam right now? Hmmm. My dad brought it up today - well he actually said: "Mikie probably has his eye on you, Missy." Truth be told (as if you that know me didn't already know) it crossed my mind too! I know - single for 90 days. Does that have to start over again or can I pick up from where it started a little while back? I think it shouldn't count that I got back with Adam because really it wasn't like having a boyfriend???? Plus, we only had sex a couple of times. Doesn't count. It's my game and it doesn't count. I make the rules. Ok. So... Mikie! So Julie sent me a msg today: "Is he hot or not? I can't tell." Oh come on, Jul. You know he's not hot in those myspace pics. And so just like I told her, I'll tell you - judging by how Mikie looked last time I saw him (over 15 years ago) he would be a cutie! But not in the myspace pics. I was so bummed. But whatever. We're old pals, no big deal. So tonight I'm chatting with Mikie and we both got new cameras, coincidentally. I told him: "Take a picture RIGHT NOW and send it to me." So we both did that. And there he was! The old Mikie face staring at me on my computer screen. The face I remember and so cute. I think he's SO cute. I was like - um, WHY on earth do you have those pictures up on myspace!?!??!?!?! You're YOU! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. We got a good laugh out of it. So let me try to post his pic here. I have never done this, so let me try this.
And so the story goes...
I'm single. Again. It feels good. For now. Let me just give you the lowdown on the week, first.
I was out of town for 5 days and got back to Colorado on Tuesday night. (Side note: I reluctantly had Adam drop me off at the airport because I didn't want him to use my car while I was gone. He is SO hard on my car - all cars, actually.) So anyway, he picked me up because he had my car. He was his cute little self (gag) standing at the top of the escalator with roses (he's done that before and it doesn't impress me, because I always know I'm sooooo close to being disappointed by something anyway). Ok, fine. Roses, blah. So I smiled and hugged and kissed hello and then we went and got my luggage and went down to my car. AAAAAAAAAHHHH! I called Adam TWICE that day to remind him to PLEASE clean out my car and fill it with gas (since it was full when I left). I explained to him on the phone that those little things REALLY irritate me, and to please please just do that. Not wash it, just clean your shit out of it, please! Sure, he said. Over and over. Ugh. Obviously - if you know Adam - the car was a filth pit. It had cups and water bottles, straw wrappers, cigarette wrappers, trash, trash and more trash. And on top of that it barely had ANY gas in it AND he said: "Was this already broken?" As he held up the now hanging center console/arm rest. Um, no. It's SO frustrating!!! So the big thing is that I spent about $200 less than a month ago getting little odds and ends fixed on my car so that it would feel like the nice car that it is, rather than the piece of shit that it had turned into. I was really enjoying having my car to myself, all nice and neat again. So now it's a dump again! I paid just over $20,000 for that car - that's A LOT Of money to pay out of my pocket and it bums me out to have it be so shitty. So anyway, that's when the frustration began. And then we get to my house and he has to go to work - ok, fine. Even though he told me he had the entire night to spend with me. Fine. So that was Tuesday. Then last night he called me at 8:30pmish (much to my surprise, actually). He said he wanted to spend some time with me since Tuesday had been a bust. I was at dinner with Joy and Debra and said I'd call him when I was done. I didn't. I don't now why, I just didn't. I wasn't expecting to see him anyway and I always feel like he does things (like spend time with me) out of guilt, so I just didn't call him. He eventually called at about 9:30 or 10pm. Still saying he wanted to see me, but then in the next breath he said: it's really busy out tonight so I'm going to go to the mall. In our lingo, that means to work. Ok, fine. I wasn't expecting much effort on his part anyway, no big deal. So then I called him at like 11:30 and it was so loud - I asked where he was..."The Walrus, with Seth." Hmmmm. Weird. Ok, fine. So that was his last night off until Monday, since Thursday starts his work week. So tonight he calls (for the first time all day) at about 7:30pm. He says - "I'd like to see you. I'm going to Denver to see a dj, you wanna come?" Um, no. But thanks. (me) "I thought you had to work????" (adam) "No, I got the night off" (me) "Oh. Well I have to work at 9 and honestly I have no desire to go to a club in Denver. It's weird to me that you went to the Walrus last night after having not seen me for 5 days (other than the hour on the way home from the airport) and tonight you got the night off to go to Denver to a club." And so it began.
That's really all the rehashing I feel like doing. Let's just say that last night I told Adam that it had always been my mind telling me to move on and I finally am starting to hear my heart chime in and get on the same team as my mind. So after last night and then this tonight, I just felt done. Yes, again. But hey - who cares if it's happened before? It's bound to stick sooner or later. It helps (as I told him tonight) that I've totally untangled my life from his - I feel so NOT intertwined anymore! FUNNNN! So fun and it feels so freeing. I haven't talked to his mom in forever. Or his brother for that matter. I ran into Rob the other night and it was a courtesy hug - sad because we were pretty good friends, but it just can't be. Too sticky. Whateva. And his mom called me and left me a msg yesterday (side note: she's always the first person to call me for the day and even if it's noon it still really bugs me! get off my case, lady!): (her) "Hi Nissa. Hope you had a nice trip. Could you give me a call, please? I have a quick question." So, reluctantly, I did. And it went like this: (her) "Hi Nissa. How are you, dear? (me) "Good. you?" (her) "Good trip?" (me) "Yep." (her) "Have you seen Adam yet?" (me) "Yep. He picked me up." (her) "How was that?" (me) "Fine." (her) "Everything cool?" (me) "Yep. Fine." (her) "Ok, dear. Maybe I'll see you sometime soon???" (me) "Maybe. What was the question you had to ask me?" (her) "Oh, it was nothing. I figured it out already." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is she serious?!?!? Did she really lie on my voicemail so I'd call her back?? Yep. This from a lady who blocks out her phone number when she calls if she thinks I won't answer it. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! So, yes. I've detached from his family. And I'm in touch with 2 friends that I met through him, but I'm not worried about that. They never see him anyway, and at this point they're my friends now. I was in their wedding, etc. So....today I am single. May the force be with me.
I was out of town for 5 days and got back to Colorado on Tuesday night. (Side note: I reluctantly had Adam drop me off at the airport because I didn't want him to use my car while I was gone. He is SO hard on my car - all cars, actually.) So anyway, he picked me up because he had my car. He was his cute little self (gag) standing at the top of the escalator with roses (he's done that before and it doesn't impress me, because I always know I'm sooooo close to being disappointed by something anyway). Ok, fine. Roses, blah. So I smiled and hugged and kissed hello and then we went and got my luggage and went down to my car. AAAAAAAAAHHHH! I called Adam TWICE that day to remind him to PLEASE clean out my car and fill it with gas (since it was full when I left). I explained to him on the phone that those little things REALLY irritate me, and to please please just do that. Not wash it, just clean your shit out of it, please! Sure, he said. Over and over. Ugh. Obviously - if you know Adam - the car was a filth pit. It had cups and water bottles, straw wrappers, cigarette wrappers, trash, trash and more trash. And on top of that it barely had ANY gas in it AND he said: "Was this already broken?" As he held up the now hanging center console/arm rest. Um, no. It's SO frustrating!!! So the big thing is that I spent about $200 less than a month ago getting little odds and ends fixed on my car so that it would feel like the nice car that it is, rather than the piece of shit that it had turned into. I was really enjoying having my car to myself, all nice and neat again. So now it's a dump again! I paid just over $20,000 for that car - that's A LOT Of money to pay out of my pocket and it bums me out to have it be so shitty. So anyway, that's when the frustration began. And then we get to my house and he has to go to work - ok, fine. Even though he told me he had the entire night to spend with me. Fine. So that was Tuesday. Then last night he called me at 8:30pmish (much to my surprise, actually). He said he wanted to spend some time with me since Tuesday had been a bust. I was at dinner with Joy and Debra and said I'd call him when I was done. I didn't. I don't now why, I just didn't. I wasn't expecting to see him anyway and I always feel like he does things (like spend time with me) out of guilt, so I just didn't call him. He eventually called at about 9:30 or 10pm. Still saying he wanted to see me, but then in the next breath he said: it's really busy out tonight so I'm going to go to the mall. In our lingo, that means to work. Ok, fine. I wasn't expecting much effort on his part anyway, no big deal. So then I called him at like 11:30 and it was so loud - I asked where he was..."The Walrus, with Seth." Hmmmm. Weird. Ok, fine. So that was his last night off until Monday, since Thursday starts his work week. So tonight he calls (for the first time all day) at about 7:30pm. He says - "I'd like to see you. I'm going to Denver to see a dj, you wanna come?" Um, no. But thanks. (me) "I thought you had to work????" (adam) "No, I got the night off" (me) "Oh. Well I have to work at 9 and honestly I have no desire to go to a club in Denver. It's weird to me that you went to the Walrus last night after having not seen me for 5 days (other than the hour on the way home from the airport) and tonight you got the night off to go to Denver to a club." And so it began.
That's really all the rehashing I feel like doing. Let's just say that last night I told Adam that it had always been my mind telling me to move on and I finally am starting to hear my heart chime in and get on the same team as my mind. So after last night and then this tonight, I just felt done. Yes, again. But hey - who cares if it's happened before? It's bound to stick sooner or later. It helps (as I told him tonight) that I've totally untangled my life from his - I feel so NOT intertwined anymore! FUNNNN! So fun and it feels so freeing. I haven't talked to his mom in forever. Or his brother for that matter. I ran into Rob the other night and it was a courtesy hug - sad because we were pretty good friends, but it just can't be. Too sticky. Whateva. And his mom called me and left me a msg yesterday (side note: she's always the first person to call me for the day and even if it's noon it still really bugs me! get off my case, lady!): (her) "Hi Nissa. Hope you had a nice trip. Could you give me a call, please? I have a quick question." So, reluctantly, I did. And it went like this: (her) "Hi Nissa. How are you, dear? (me) "Good. you?" (her) "Good trip?" (me) "Yep." (her) "Have you seen Adam yet?" (me) "Yep. He picked me up." (her) "How was that?" (me) "Fine." (her) "Everything cool?" (me) "Yep. Fine." (her) "Ok, dear. Maybe I'll see you sometime soon???" (me) "Maybe. What was the question you had to ask me?" (her) "Oh, it was nothing. I figured it out already." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is she serious?!?!? Did she really lie on my voicemail so I'd call her back?? Yep. This from a lady who blocks out her phone number when she calls if she thinks I won't answer it. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! So, yes. I've detached from his family. And I'm in touch with 2 friends that I met through him, but I'm not worried about that. They never see him anyway, and at this point they're my friends now. I was in their wedding, etc. So....today I am single. May the force be with me.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Before I Hit the Hay...
Hahaha. Sometimes I crack myself up. As I was titling my blog (sometimes it's better to title after the blog is written, but not tonight) and I came up with the one above, I laughed and thought how accidentally clever I can be. I wanted to write to tell you about my day at the ranch and so "Hit the Hay" seemed to fit - even though I didn't mean it to work out like that. Anyway...
Today I started my day out the best way I know how - with Belle. GREAT morning ride. I was the only one around and it was beautiful beautiful beautiful! I rode for a little over an hour and then as I was finishing my time at the ranch, the owner asked me for a little help. She and the vet were collecting semen from one of the stallions and she needed me to lead a mare around to sort of taunt the stallion with all her beauty. Seriously. It was the craziest thing and I was amazed by the whole process. There is this stallion at the ranch named Ben - he is absolutely GORGEOUS! Big huge horse with a long long mane and tail and his presence is very powerful. He is kind of closed off from people and other horses because he is the epitome of a stallion - very dangerous when he gets all worked up and just not all that pleasant. His paddock is completely out of site from the rest of us because he gets SO worked up SO easily and throws such fits. He's always yelling and kicking and biting anything he can. So imagine my surprise when Nicole asks me to go out to the pasture and lead in a mare "in season" - that's just like being in heat. I was a little nervous, needless to say. So I retrieve the mare and lead her into the barn that Ben is in and IMMEDIATELY Ben (now there is a HUGE steal door with slits in it (kind of like prison, only the bottom half is solid and the top half has the bars with spaces - narrow spaces) goes nuts. He starts striking with his front feet and making these very high pitches squeals. Nicole and the vet are right outside his door and Nicole peeks in and says: "He's all the way out!" So the vet and Nicole squeeze in the tiny opening they make with his big steel door and Nicole puts this big chained halter on him and the vet quickly puts this HUGE leather glove type thing over his HUGE penis! Ben is so worked up and distracted by this mare that he doesn't even care what else is going on around him. I'm just outside the door walking the mare back and forth so that her backside is rubbing on his door - Ben is FLIPPING out. It sounds like the big steel door is going to totally come down. Within 30 seconds...SEMEN! More semen than one could ever imagine! I was in absolute SHOCK! Seriously! It was the craziest thing I've witnessed in nature - is that nature? I guess not. It was all very bizarre. So just like that, the vet and Nicole came out of the stall and Nicole will mail off Ben's semen and get LOTS of money for it. Lucky for the mare that she didn't have to actually deal with Ben - he is a BEAST!!!! But a beautiful beast at that.
And the song of the day goes to: Shania Twain. A very thoughful friend of mine made me a mix tape! Ok, it was really a mixed CD, but it just doesn't sound the same as a mix tape. I'm sure it's mixED tape anyway, but no one ever says that. It's kind of like everyone I know saying Reesies Peicies. Um, no. It's Riece's Pieces - as in pieces of Reice's, but no one knows that. Anyway, it's a great CD for me right now. Lots of GREAT songs about breaking up, being single, loving it and hating it. It covers all the bases, that's for sure. Anyway, there's a song by Shania Twain that talks about her boyfriend who is SO bad for her and his response to his bad habits is: "I ain't no quitter." Very fun song. So here it is, folks:
he drinks-he smokes
he'll cuss-he swears-he tells bad jokes
yeah,he ropes-he rides
he lives life fast, and he loves to fight
he's a boozer-a loser
he calls me up when he's had too much
a scheemer-a dreamer
(bridge:)
when i tell him to change his ways
he just turns to me and says
'i aint no quitter'
(chorus:)
no, i aint givin up on him just yet
cause im as stubborn as a girl can get
he wont quit-but you can bet
im stickin to it
i-aint-i aint no quitter
he chews-he spits
he flirts too much,and he loves blonde chicks
he struts-he strolls
he looks so cool, and yeah, he knows
he's a beautie - cutie
his body rocks, and the girls they flock
he's afflicted-addicted
(bridge)
no,i aint givin up on him just yet
cause im as stubborn as a girl can get
no, i aint givin up on him just yet
cause im as stubborn as a girl can get
he wont quit-but you can bet
im stickin to it
i-aint-i aint no quitter
i-aint-i aint no quitter
oh baby, i-aint-i aint no quitter
yeah I ain't no quitter yeah yeah yeah I ain't noooooo quitta
By the way, I would NEVER tell Adam about this song. I can hear it now - that'll be his new favorite phrase or comeback.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Please...Don't Make This Even Harder!
Tonight I was talking to a friend on the phone (kind of late - 10:30pmish) about knowing what needs to be done (about my relationship with Adam) and I went on and on about knowing that it's not going to change or get any better blah blah blah...we've all heard it before. And wouldn't you know it... within 5 minutes, there he was. At the door, clean and shaven (unusual for him these days), black eye faded muchly, nice(ish) clothes on, and my favorite take out from the Cheesecake Factory, and the biggest smile. "Hi, Baby. I thought we could have dinner together and maybe watch a movie." Aw. That's all I can say. Aw. Totally unexpected. I've never said he's not sweet, because he is. He really is. But it doesn't change the way I feel. I still know. I still will. When? Not sure. Maybe right before Mikie comes to see me!!!! FUNNNN! Only because he'll be staying at my house and we'll be having such a fun visit (catching up and all since it's been 15 years (at least) and I know I won't give in and call Adam while Mikie is here!) More on that later. I'm tired and I'm going to bed. I'm going riding bright and early! Belle is better! I had my first ride with her today since she went lame a couple of weeks ago! GREAT RIDE! I needed it! Whew!
Sing it Leann!
How do I,
Get through the night without you?
If I had to live without you,
What kind of life would that be?
Honestly, I'm not feeling nearly as pathetic as this song implies. But I do ask myself those questions.
Sing it Leann!
How do I,
Get through the night without you?
If I had to live without you,
What kind of life would that be?
Honestly, I'm not feeling nearly as pathetic as this song implies. But I do ask myself those questions.
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