Patience, My Dear, Patience

Well, that's not working for me. I can't just keep writing for an hour every night until I catch you all up. I'm going to give you some high lights to get you caught up so I can start blogging my current situation. I hate catch up. Oooooooooook. Here goes...

This is basically how the last few weeks have gone:

Chris is great. He showers me with affection, compliments, great sex, all the time I could ever ask for, etc. He's absolutely wonderful....most of the time. And then things like this happen: Last Friday night, I went out with some girlfriends and Chris met us out (big no no and Lynette was PISSED! - she claims she didn't like him from day one....bad vibe. I kinda don't believe that because she was SO gung ho about him for the first couple of weeks. Whatever.). Now Lynette and Chris have not liked each other for a while now, and they are both very open about it. To me. Ugh. I hate knowing that and then them both being fake to each other when they're around each other. It's uncomfortable for only me because neither of them know the other one doesn't like them. Ok. So Friday night. They're doing their usual nicey nice act and so I leave them for TWO minutes. TWO! I come back and they're SCREAMING at each other - fuck you! no, fuck you! you fucking bitch! i've never fucking liked you and i'm so sick of pretending i do just for nissa! Oh, nice, kids. Real nice. Ugh. So I take Chris by the arm and drag him out of Round Midnight - now keep in mind, this place is closed and I'm friends with most of the people that work there and they're all witnessing this. So not something I want to be happening with my "boyfriend" at 29 years old at a bar I've been frequenting since I turned 21. Ick! Oh - and this was all AFTER he got in a fight on the dance floor with someone who spilled and bumped me. Ew. Bar fights - they're regular thing with him. Funnnn. So back to Lynette and Chris... Apparently, when I left them to go into the back room at Round Midnight, Chris asked Lynette if I was doing coke in there. She FLIPPED. She claims that if he knew me at all he would (and he claims to love me - and she's heard him say so!) KNOW I would never touch that stuff. Well in his defense, he doesn't know me. I haven't let him know me on that level. It's a weird thing.

In my past relationships, I've been an open book. I'm always too quick to open up and I get just as wrapped up in the whole thing as Chris is and has been since day one. This relationship? Not so much. I seriously don't give a shit about what happens. I was not the least bit offended that Chris thought (and was really pushy in asking Lynette, apparently, over and over) I might do cocaine. I seriously don't care. And to be honest, I seriously didn't really care that those two got in a fight. Chris thinks I'm a very stand offish person. He thinks I've been so hurt that I have thick walls up that he has to break down. Last night before bed he said: "Baby, I know you've been hurt and you're scared. I'm not ever going to hurt you." WHAT WHAT WHAT?!?!? It was all I could do not to chuckle. And furthermore, I don't care about much when it comes to him. I can go a whole week without seeing him and still have other things I want to get done before I make the hour long drive to his house (including laundry!). If he doesn't call me all day (like today), I really don't care. And the thing is, I know he's only not calling because he's trying to wait to see if I'll call him. He's trying to prove a point. The other morning, we had an entire day planned and when we woke up his phone was ringing off the hook - I asked him who it was (thinking it was his parents, to be honest) and he wouldn't tell me. He was trying to pretend it was something worth being jealous over. Duh. So I said - "Are you sure you don't want to tell me?" And when he said yes, I said: "Well, then I guess it's time for you to leave." Chris: "Really?" Yep. And so he did. I kicked him out after he drove an hour to get here, just because I refuse to deal with his shit.

I've heard that you're supposed to be in a relationship (supposed to be....haha. who says?!?!?) that the other person likes you more than you like them. That ensures that you won't get too wrapped up in: "oh no! he didn't call me!" bull shit. It's kind of nice. Apathy. Not my usual thing. It's kind of nice to not care. It's kind of carefree, if you will. It feels almost healthier. I'm sure Chris wouldn't agree, but I feel that way. I get it. It's nice to not give a shit. Here's the catch to this whole not giving a shit thing:

I still get wrapped up in whether or not Adam's going to call. Haha. How fucked up is that?!?!? He has a girlfriend (Nancy) and I have Chris. But there are so many times throughout the day that I think: Well, just because he's at Burning Man all week, doesn't mean he won't go to that special camp that they have these weird phones that you have to like point directly at the sun to get a signal. He could call. He might call. Now why, people, would he call ME? Haha. He won't. But he might. So see? I give a shit. Just not about my relationship with Chris. Ugh.

Ever been to that stage of a relationship that you absolutely despise everything about that person? Like when they touch you, you get SOOOOOO creeped out that you actually HAVE to move away, even if they're going to notice? When they wake up in the morning next to you and they quietly smack their lips, just enough so you can hear it, and you want to SCREAM: "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!?" Ever cringe when someone talks baby talk to their dogs? Or worse yet, to YOU!?!? Ever wanna crack up when someone says: "I know you're not ready to meet my parents...I explained to them that you're just nervous and you'll come around..." !?!?!? Hahaha. Um, no. I'm not NERVOUS to meet your parents. I just have better things to do. I think it's because I'm ahead of my time (some say Grandma, I say mature). Either way, I think it's clear what needs to happen. So what do I say? How do I actually break up with him? What do I say? Ew. We've broken up (do we see a pattern in my behavior people?) before and then I get sucked back in. He gets REALLY upset - like his mom went to his house one night and spent the night...he was "having a hard time."

Mark my words: I will be single - yet again - by tomorrow night. Thankfully.

Oh - It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken?????? Loving it. Learning some new tricks...mostly to help me with my breakup with Adam.

Aaaahhh.....Adam. I sure do love and miss that boy. I wish he'd send his ass off to rehab and realize what the hell we could have been! That will go away. With time, right? Time being single and actually dealing with the breakup itself? Yes. It will. Ugh.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeewww. All caught up. There will be some other things worth mentioning from the past couple of months, I'm sure. I'll explain those as we go I guess.

Goodnight!