To pick right up...

Yes, Chris is drinking a lot. Hmmm...should I just ask him? Yes, I think I will....

Ok, so we're on the phone and I realize that when we talk late at night (keep in mind he lives an hour away from me, so I only see him about twice a week), he is much more open about his feelings and shares a LOT more with me than he does any other time. So I ask him: "Chris, are you drinking tonight?" No no no. Of course not. Or sometimes I would get a - Sure, I'm having a glass of wine, but no biggie. And it's true, no biggie. I have a glass of wine at home sometimes. Hardly ever, but I do do it. Oooooooook. Moving right along.

So I get back from the camping trip on Sunday, spend the night at Chris's that night and then don't see him again until Friday night. We're going to Steamboat to see Alohi early Saturday morning, so we're just going to walk from his place and grab some dinner and make it an early night. I didn't get to his house until 7pm that Friday night and he was just sort of puttin' around the house, loading the dishwasher, etc. I thought he was drinking apple juice at first...

N: "Chris, what are you drinking?"
C: "Jack and coke."
N: "Jack with MAYBE a splash of coke?"
C: *chuckles* "Yes, I guess you could say it that way. Haha."
N: "How many have you had?"
C: "I think this is my 4th or 5th. Why?"
N: *silent stare* and thinks to self: HOLY FUCK! HE'S A FULL BLOWN ALCOHOLIC!

So we quietly leave his house and I have no words. None. Am I in a relationship with another addict? Seriously? Wow. My therapist once told me that I could be in a room with 199 sober people and one addict and I'd somehow find the addict to love. WHY?!?!? Apparently because my mother (with all due respect!) was an addict and couldn't give up her addiction for me, and so I need someone (anyone, apparently!) to give up their addiction for me and I'll be able to overcome that childhood issue. Does that suck or WHAT?!??! Ok, moving right along.... So we walk to Chipotle and on the way over he brings it up:

C: "Look, Nissa. I just have a hard time sleeping and so I drink and it helps me."
N: "Um....it's 7pm and we're not anywhere near going to bed. So why are you on your 5th jack and coke already?!?!? And furthermore, didn't you just go to the doctor yesterday and find out you have SUPER high blood pressure and a possible heart condition? Didn't your doctor tell you to quit drinking?!?!?"
C: "Well, yes. Um, um, um...."
N: "Well I think you should have disclosed this info on match.com. You could've put "regularly" instead of "one or two" at least!!!!" Ok - that was dumb, but seriously! He could have! Should have!
C: "I didn't want you to know."
N: "Apparently!"

Ok, so it continued for the night. I was pretty quiet, and distant. But then we had a great weekend planned, so I (as usual) swept this under the rug, at least for the weekend. Had a ton of fun with Alohi and her husband, although LOTS of drinking was had by all. Chris even smoked pot. Joy. Didn't I just end a relationship in part because of pot? Pretty sure I did! Ok, so a BIGGGGGGGG fight ensues over the pot. After the rodeo (YES! SO FUNNNN!) in Steamboat, people started smoking pot. I don't deal well with pot. HATE IT! I tend to make a way bigger deal over pot than most, but it's my thing. HATE IT! Ok, so Chris and I sit down and I go over why I hate pot so much and he says: "Geez, I had no idea (People? I've told him this before. Honestly, I have.). It's not that big of a deal to me to smoke, so I just simply won't do it." Wow. Really? Ok, cool. And then he proceeds to get even more wasted. Ugh. We get back to Alohi and Eric's and he gets pissy because I want to go to bed. It's only midnight, but we started drinking at 5pm! I need to go to bed! Stay up if you want, Chris! Really? Yes! Fine!

Within 5 minutes I hear the bubbling bong.
N: "Chris?"
C: "Yes?"
N: "Are you smoking pot?"
C: "Yes."

OMG! WHAT!?!?!?! So I just go to bed. Wow. Ok. What happened to that big heart to heart about pot and it not meaning anything to him so he was going to quit? That was just an hour ago. So we wake up the next morning and I decide to cuddle up and not be mad. Because that's what I do. That's why I wake up a year into a relationship and say to myself: HOW COULD YOU NOT HAVE KNOWN THIS WOULD HAPPEN!?!??! Wait. Is he giving ME the cold shoulder? Yep.

N: "Are you mad at me?"
C: "I'm not happy with you."
N: "OMG! Are you fucking serious!??!" I lost it, folks. This guy is a trip! He's always mad at me for shit that he does! Always!

So we argue for like 10 minutes finally ending with:
N: "Fuck this! Let's break up!"
C: "At least we're on the same page!"
N: "Good."
C: "Good."

We drive awkwardly back from Steamboat. Silence. Ew. We stop in Silverthorne, do a little shopping (silently) and then Chris looks at me before we get in the car...
C: "Look, Nissa. I love you (WHAT?!?!?), and I don't want to break up. I'm sorry that I smoked last night. I was just mad that you were going to bed and...."
N: "Mad that I was going to bed, so you disregarded a promise you made an hour earlier that meant A LOT to me?"
C: "I know, it was stupid. I'm sorry."

Can people please stop doing things that they need to apologize for? I hate the word sorry! Just don't do things you need to apologize for! We go in circles and somehow he wins. I'm not feeling pumped on staying together and he knows it, but he's hopeful that I'll come around, as he puts it. I just couldn't stand my ground any longer. He was staring me in the face, begging me to give it another try. Begging. Apologizing. Professing his love. Ugh. WEAK! And it's not like it was with Adam. I couldn't let that end because of how much I LOVED and adored Adam. This was just uncomfortable and I couldn't escape it. I was in Silverthorne about to drive 2 more hours to his house alone, with just him. UGH UGH UGH.

Sorry. Bedtime. I'll keep writing tomorrow. I just want to be caught up to today because there are STILL things that will be added to this going on now! Hahaha. It's lightened up some on my part, but it's still dramatic. And Adam. There will be Adam stories before you get all caught up, too. I love Adam stories. They're so much more fun than these stories. Ok, goodnight.

And yes, I saw the red flag. I think it was a flare being thrown at me, actually. I saw it. I didn't ignore it. I couldn't. Really.