Feels like forever!

I have SO much to tell you....not about my week long trip though! Hahaha. I just want to blog about Chris today. This is so weird. This is kind of a private entry, but I'm going to do it anyway. Be warned...it might be too much information. So yesterday, I flew back to Denver from Boston. On my first leg, I was really wishing I had either my laptop or a pen and paper. I had things on my mind and needed to get them out. During my layover (my 5 minute layover that I had to RUN through the airport to catch the plane) I spotted a bookstore and ran in and grabbed a blank notebook for $2.99! SCORE! As soon as I sat down I started writing....

I'm on my way back to Denver from 7 days away. A much needed 7 days away. It's such a weird time to go back though... My job fiasco, the whole Chris situation... It's all a little crazy in my life right now. Do I even have a job? If I do, do I even want that job? If not, what do I want to do? Nanny again? Move? Go back to school? Ugh! Decisions!

And what about Chris?!?!?! What is going on with him!?!?! What do I want to be going on with him? Is he as great as I think he is? Am I as great as he thinks I am? Well I guess only time will tell. Tonight will be a good little test. As long as I can remain comfortable with him, I think it will be fine. But what if my self conscious side comes out? Oh my god! It's SO going to ! Do I just come out and tell him?!? Do I just say: "Look! I love everything about myself but my naked body!?!?!?" Probably not, huh? He is going to be totally turned off by my discomfort tonight, I know it. He's going to want me to 100% naked and if it's not dark, it's simply NOT happening. The thing is, if I could just be honest and tell him that keeping my nightie on would be beneficial to our whole sexual experience (oh, did I mention that I'm having sex tonight? I am.), we'd be fine. Better than fine, I'd bet. I think we're totally going to be sexually compatible. UNLESS he's going to put too much emphasis on nakedness. Ugh. The thought of it makes me cringe. I've had huge issues with this before. HUGE. It was with Adam and to be honest, I think Chris has been more attracted to me since day one than Adam ever was. Maybe that'll be helpful Well, I know it'll be helpful but maybe not quite enough. It's so annoying! Why do I have to be like this?!?!? It's not even just that I'm chubby - he knows I'm chubby and he's clearly OK with it...he's been trying to jump my bones (hahaha - that made me laugh!) since the 1st hour that I met him.

There are a whole bunch of reasons that I'm freaking out...
1 - I'm a picker. I pick every little thing that's not totally smooth on my whole entire body. Arms, legs, face, butt cheeks, chest, boobs, feet, fingers, all of it. Therefore, there could be red marks anywhere. I pick til I bleed. Daily.
2 - There are 2 spots that would totally gross anyone out if in the right/wrong position. Inner thighs and stomach. Ew.

I could just wear my tine and cute little nightie and avoid all of the discomfort. It's lacey, sweet and tiny - short w/tiny spaghetti straps. Innocent with a touch of sexy - perfect. But I know he's going to want it off. Ugh! FUCK!

Oh - 3 - doggie style??? love it - only in the dark. Ever. With anyone. Who wants their butt(ok, brace yourself)hole up in anyone's plain sight? Not me! Skinny or chubby, no thanks! No! Never! Unless, of course, the lights are out. Not pitch black, but close.
4 - And Chris is so going to be the guy who will watch my face to make sure I'm enjoying it. Can be awkward, can be smooth and just fine. Hahaha. Soooo awkward though, potentially. (I'm secretly scolding myself: GROW UP!)

Pray for darkness and pray that when we have wake up sex, tomorrow, he'll be more accepting of me being in my nightie. Perfect scenario:

My flight lands, my mom or brother are there to pick me up. I go to my mom's, start my laundry (dark - favorite jeans and cute nightie!), pluck, shave, shower. Squeaky clean and mostly hairless from head to toe. Brush teeth. Moisturize from head to toe. Blow dry my hair - he loves my hair - did I mention that? *Side note: he has complimented my name, voice, hair, confidence, lips, white shirt that I wore on our first date - a lot. He's quite generous with compliments.* Apply small amount of make up. Enough to cover up redness in right brow area and gaping pores, but little enough that he thinks I don't wear much (oh - he complimented me on that already more than once, too - fyi). Write in blog while I wait for my clothes to dry. By now it's 5:30pm. I think I'll paint my toes or go for a cheap pedi on the way to his house. If he hasn't found Entourage, Season 1, I'll stop by each Blockbuster along the way. I probably won't eat because I'll be too nervous. I'll eat on the way home from the airport, that'll be enough. Keep tummy on the flatter side for 1st time sex with Chris! Oooooooook. Call him when I'm close. 7pmish. Pull into his complex and calm my nerve with a reminder that he adores me. Deep breath, deep breath. Whooooooooooooooo. Ok. I'm also meeting the dogs for the 1st time. Ugh. He's super excited for me to meet the girls...somehow he got the impression that I'm a dog lover. Hmmmm. Why? I can be friendly but do NOT sniff my crotch or lick my feet! Do girl dogs sniff crotches? Who says crotches? Ew.

Ok, he opens the door....aw, he's cuter than I remembered. Always is. He really is adorable and when I don't see him for a couple of days I forget. We hug, my arms on top - always are. That's how we fit. We kiss. And kiss a few more times. I'm thinking no tongue for a little while. Maybe though. We are great kissers together and tend to make out. A lot. But not obnoxiously in public. So far, in public, it's been quite affectionate, but we've managed to wait til the car to make out. Haha. But always, he gives off the vibe that he totally would make out anywhere, if I would. But he's respectful and a gentleman. And actually, when it comes down to it, I don't think he would slip me the tongue in public. I love that he wants to though. He stares just long enough that I know he likes me but short of being creepy. Way short of being creepy. He has a very sweet stare. More like he's interested and wants to know me. Our first (sober) kiss (we were wasted when we met and smooched!) - which I will forever consider our first kiss - was unexpected and perfect. We were in a coffee shop waiting for my latte and I turned around and it just happened. We gracefully collided right there and we both went in for the sweetest kiss at the exact same time. Met in the middle. It was the sweetest thing. How's that for a tangent? Ok....his house. I arrive.

We hug, kiss, meet Sequoia and Selawick, he finishes up doing whatever he was doing and then eventually we cozy up on the couch. I wish it was dark (outside), but it's not quite. I keep my street clothes on and we have to figure out how we fit on his couch together. It's our first time cuddling on the couch. Funnnn. I hope. He's short, but wide. An inch shorter than I am but his shoulders are broader. I had to be behind Adam or he couldn't see the tv. That sucked. I hated it. How will Chris and I put? Ew. Awkward again. Wait - didn't I just say funnn??? Ok, yes. Funnnn. But we'll figure that out. Entourage, Season 1 begins. We love it! Chris CRACKS up - I love love love his laugh! He'll probably try to curb his enthusiasm, as to not yell in my ear or thras around - his laugh is crazy. Awesome. And I'll tell him not to hold back but I'll still notice his chest inflating and he'll be trying to hold it in. Moving right along... Depending on how long Season 1 is, we either get sleepy or it ends and we (one of us) suggests bed. I suggest sleep and he suggests bed, both having the same intentions. It's dark. He wants to turn on the tv ( because he sleeps with it on - ick) and I slyly swoop in and kiss him away from the tv and say something smooth like: "We won't be watching anymore tv tonight, Hot Stuff." Just kidding. But I'll say something to get the tv to stay off. Whew. Darkness. There are lights outside his bedroom window that cast a glow into his room through the slats of his blinds, but just enough - not too much. (I took notice of this the first time I slept there - just in case)
The sex is as we both imagine it will be. Scorpio to Scorpio. Both more giving than taking. Passionate, but not crazy. Sensual, and not boring. Crazy will come, but not the first time or the second. Boring will never come. The stars and planets say so. Oh - and Chris? Not too big, but not too small. I hate both extremes and this will align with most everything else Chris has to offer. This adventure happily comes to an end and we're both sleepily smiling. I thank Chris and he tells me it was all he had hoped for and worth the wait. We sleep. At some point, because I know I will, I slip out of bed and put my mightie back on and go to the bathroom (you know you're supposed to pee after sex!). I slide back into bed, we kiss and go back to sleep. At first light one of us wakes the other one up and we have our first go at morning sex. Different than the night before, but pleasing just the same. I keep my nightie on this time and it's acceptable - this is the only iffy part. I hope it's acceptable. Some people like skin to skin - always. This time I'll totally be on top. Funnnn.

I'm really looking foward to this night/next morning being similar to this journal entry. High expectations? That's the way I roll. No, but really...this is the best case scenario. But I also think it's fairly realistic. Chris and I have been oddly connected since first meeting. He has politely asked me: "Get out of my head!" on more than one occasion. I could be right on here. All but the penis size - I'm not psychic, just intuitive.

How long our morning lasts will depend on whether or not I have a job to go to. Ugh. What a shitty snap back to reality. This will have to be dealt with asap. I'm pissed. Ok - now I've been writing since take off and we're 33 minutes from landing! How funnn! I'm SO glad I stopped in the bookstore to grab this notebook! I'll keep you posted! Sooooooooooon! I promsie!

Ok - now that was yesterday. The night occurred and I'll be honest - I wasn't too far off at all! It was awesome. I'm EXHAUSTED and have to go to bed. I'll write tomorrow with an update. I hope it wasn't too honest for you - it was me writing on paper not ever planning on putting it here so it's a little more blunt. But it's truthful, that's for sure! I'm not rereading - too tired. Sorry for errors, but I'll correct them tomorrow! I'm going to get back into leaving you with a song. Here is the lucky song of the day:

Need Your Space by Jason Vigil (this is who Chris and I went to see on our first date.)

Looking into me a different side you see and you don't mind it, you seem to like it
The crazy things I say, you turn a smile my way, and I don't mind it, in fact I like it
In fact I like it, you

Looking into you and everything you do, oh I like it, do you mind it
The way you look, your eyes, caught me by surprise, and I can't hide it, don't try to fight it
No need to fight it, no

And I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
Need your space

When you look at me I wonder what you see, does it make you happy?
Stunned by a glance, let's give us a chance 'cause you make me happy

And I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
Need your space, need your space, oh love, oh love

I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
Need your space, need your space, need your space

I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space