Will Power (or the lack of, I should say)

Just an update on the Adam sitch: He called me last night and said: "Well, now I know that you really want me to try to win you back so starting tomorrow that's what I'm going to do. For now I'm getting off the phone and I'll call you tomorrow." I guess that because I got upset about the girl(s) from the dating line that meant that I wanted him to try to win me back. I can see how confusing this must be to him - DON'T CALL ME! WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME!?!? NEVER CALL ME AGAIN - HOW COULD YOU BE TALKING TO OTHER GIRLS!?!?!? The truth of the matter is, I NEED him not to call. I NEED to move on. And I will. It's just hard. Because I still love Adam, it kills me that he's not trying to win me back and he's already talking to other girls. It really really hurts. Way more than I want it to. It's like there are all these things staring me in the face in black and white telling me what a sleaze ball he is and no matter how many times I say it out loud I'm having a hard time actually believing it. Why? I have no idea. Love? I don't know. It's like I still wake up hoping that today is the day that Adam's going to call me and say: "I get it! I'm on my way to rehab and I promise (and this time he would mean it) things will be different!" Clearly, that's never going to happen. So WHY oh WHY do I still think it might? I don't. But I do. It sucks.

And why wouldn't he change his passwords? I mean, seriously! Not only did I tell him that I found the emails from the girls, I also text msgd him last night saying: Please change your passwords so I'm not tempted. He didn't. This morning when I checked his email he had checked the pic of the naked girl and one porn site email and didn't check the email that I sent him before I went to bed. He saw that I had written him an email and he opted for the naked sluts email and not mine. Just another something in black and white that tells me to MOVE ON. Time. It just takes time. That's what everyone keeps telling me. Well I know it's not even been a week, but this sucks. This time thing - how much time? Longer than I week I presume. Ugh. Here it is noon on a beautiful day and I'm STILL in my pjs, sitting on the couch with my computer listening to Today's Country on tv (I brought my tiny bedroom tv to the living room, but it's so small you can't even see the tvguide on the tv from the couch!), because of course the first thing I did when I woke up was check to see if he changed his passwords and here I am. As if I'm stuck. I'm going to motivate RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! Shower first. Then perhaps I'll go check on my lame horse. I'm sure she's not ridable yet, but I'll take her out and brush her and see if she's getting better. I haven't seen her since Friday, so maybe she's all better. Doubtful, but I'm hopeful. Wish me luck with getting through my day without any big todos. Today is my stepfather's bday so I'll be able to have my time occuppied by spending dinner/evening with my family and then I think I'll stay at my mom's tonight. Just to avoid what happened last night. Night seems to be my weakest time. As soon as I'm in for the night I go crazy. Ok, here I go...

And the song of the day is by the Dixie Chicks!

There is no good reason
I should have to be so alone
I'm smothered by this emptiness
Lord I wish I was made of stone
Like I fool I lent my soul to love
And it paid me back in change
God help me
Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?


A heart that's worn and weathered
Would know better than to fight
But I wore mine like a weapon
Played out love like a crime
And it wrung me out and strung me out
And it hung years on my face
God help me
Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?


[Am I The Only One lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

Now my sense of humor needs a break
I see a shadow in the mirror
And she's laughin' through her tears
One more smile's all I can fake


There is a wound inside me
And it's bleeding like a flood
There's times when I see a light ahead
Hope is not enough
As another night surrounds me
And it pounds me like a wave
God help me
Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?

God help me
Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?