What a difference a day makes

So... today is not quite as good as the yesterday, in terms of how I'm coping with the break up. Ugh. I woke up feeling genuinely sad. Not mad, not happy, not anything else. Just sad. I hate being sad. The good thing is that I've been sleeping through the night (thanks to Nyquil) for the past 3 nights! That is key because usually (before we actually broke up) I've been waking up between 3-5am and calling Adam - more or less to check on him when it comes right down to it. We'd usually chat for a few minutes and then I'd toss and turn and not be able to fall back to sleep because I'd be too concerned with whether or not he was lying about not getting high (turns out he was) and whether or not he was calling the "dating line" (turns out he was). I'm not sure how long I'll take Nyquil - I was kind of raised on it. My grandmother takes it every night before bed and she let me do the same as a kid. Looking back, that's pretty fucked up. Either way, I'm sure that's why I LOVE Nyquil so much now. If I ever have even the slightest runny nose or sore throat, Nyquil to the rescue! A broken heart and wanting a good night's sleep has proven to be reason enough for one big swig as well. Enough about sleep...

So I woke up today and went and met Debra for coffee and granola at Spruce Confections - BEST granola ever, ps. After that, I decided I'd do the dreaded deed of visiting with Carole - Adam's mom. Carole and I have become very close since I started dating Adam and we usually have coffee 4 or 5 times a week. Before this morning, I hadn't even talked to her since we broke up. I knew she was dying inside to talk to me, but being respectful of my space. I decided that 3 days was enough space. When I knocked on the door and she called out: "Who's there??" and I answered: "Nissa," she said: "Oh no! Nissa? Are you gonna kill me? Is it safe?" Hahaha - if you know Carole, that is very funny. She can be funny sometimes. She, of course, was casually throwing it back at me that I beat her son up a couple of days earlier. When she opened the door she hugged me so tightly for a longggggggg time. It was sad. She told me she's been so depressed and missed me so much. Carole is the type of person to take on this break up as if it were her own. She is so upset that she can't come back to my hometown with me and spend the week with my family (I told her she still could but it might be a little weird), she's upset about the whole thing. The whole break up. She really thought (and so did most people, I think) we would be able to stick it out. I didn't really want anyone to know that I was visiting Carole - I guess I thought it was a sign of weakness. I'm always caving in around Adam and our break ups and I didn't want people to start rolling their eyes quite yet. But, of course, that didn't happen. Ten'E'yck (one of Adam's oldest childhood friends) stopped over and when he walked in the door he said: "Oh, Nissa's at your mom's house." He, of course, was on the phone with Rob, Adam's twin brother. Needless to say, the cat was out of the bag. So although I'm glad I got it over with and hung out with Carole, it also added to the sadness. She asked me a lot if I thought we'd get back together. I told her no, that our time had expired. She definitely doesn't believe me, and I'm sure most people don't. I don't even know if I fully believe me. I think I should stay broken up with Adam. I really do. But there's a lot of for now thoughts going through my mind. I think that if he goes to rehab, I'll probably get back with him - but then there's the whole dating line thing, too. Why would he continue to get on the dating line (and people, keep in mind that he has done this all 3 times that we have broken up, within hours of the break up conversation) if he wanted this relationship to work? It's like he doesn't want to deal with any kind of loss at all. Any kind of rejection sends him to numb his feelings with (more) weed and attention from girls. He says things like: "What was I supposed to do???? You stormed off all mad and you were going to break up with me!" Um, how about call ME to apologize, rather than hopping on the dating line. And the Denver dating line is SO sleazy - it's "Live Links" - creeeeeeepy. He's not actually met anyone (other than his girlfriend before me that he dated for 2 years!) from Live Links - he just seems to like the conversation (so he says). Ok, ok. I'm stalling....

When I left Carole's house, I went and had lunch with my dad and then...(I cringe as I type this) I did it. I came up with every excuse I could (in my own mind, to myself) and I just pulled right up and parked in front of Adam's and walked right up and knocked on the door. Ugh. WHY?!?!?!? Because I was sad and weak and pathetic! I woke him up (obviously, because it was only 1pm and Adam doesn't get up before then unless he's forced to), telling him that I needed to get my printer - pathetic. My dad did ask me to print out some things from a disk he gave me for his portfolio and because my dad did buy me my computer and printer, I felt obligated to help him out, but still. I didn't have to drive straight to Adam's and pick up my printer. It was fine and uneventful, but all it did was make me even sadder than I already was. So I did what a depressed and broken hearted fool would do...went home and napped my afternoon away. I thought I might wake up in a better mood. No such luck. So here I sit, checking my phone for sporadic text msgs from Adam (which he has been sending off and on for the past couple of hours) and watching Charlotte's Web (I'm babysitting) and typing to you. Tomorrow MUST be a better day - I have Emma and Noah. I think we'll go to the Country Club if the weather is nice and hang out at the pool. Tomorrow is a big festival and the farmers market - both things that usually occupy my weekends. It will be my first Saturday off in months - could be tough, but hopefully the kids will keep me busy. I hate being so bummed. Tomorrow WILL be better, folks. Think happy think happy think happy think happy. What a boring post. Sorry. I'm going to put up another blog, a separate one that isn't about my stupid broken heart. This is so dull and boring. I have lots of little things to catch you up on, since I just started writing yesterday. I think I want to end all my blogs with some of my favorite song lyrics. What do you think? Should that be my tradition? I think so. Kind of like Ellen dancing on her show. Ok, hmmm....

More Carrie Underwood? Blue October? Oooooooh - how about Beyonce?

...
So since I'm not your everything, how about I'll be nothing, nothing at all to you...