I'll be better, I promise.

I'm sorry I haven't written. I'll be better about it, I promise. Some of you can probably guess why...I'm not proud. But I'm happier, at least. Does that count? I'm not back together with Adam, but I have caved in and let him back in a couple of times. And we're getting along....for now. I know what you're thinking, and go ahead. Think it. I don't care - ok, I'm lying. But I'm trying not to care. I have to do what I feel like is right for me. Sure, there is a part of me that says HELL NO! DON'T DO IT! And then there's a part of me (a bit smaller part of me, I'll admit it) that says - Eh, what's it gonna hurt..you were sad anyway, (insert my name). At least now you're not sad right now. So do with that what you will...feel sorry for me, go ahead. I know you are, and that's ok. You've all been here, and if you haven't you're one of very few and you will be there someday (hopefully not, but you will.) Ok, enough of that...onto better news!!!! Oh but wait - he's been sweet...do you want to know? Sure you do - this is my blog and I say you want to know - roses, cards, (more) promises (and who is to say for sure that they're empty this time?!?!?) and so on. Ok - better things...

MIKIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mikie Mikie Mikie! Seriously - I am SO excited about this! Ok, when I was little I used to spend summers and holidays in California with my dad. We boarded our horses at this GREAT place called Sunset Corral...BEST childhood ever out there! There was this woman (my dad's age) named Candy who, along with her son Mikie and her dad Bud, boarded her horses right next to ours. We spent LOTS of time with this family - my brother, my dad and I always rode with this family. They were AWESOME! Mikie was a couple of months younger than I was and we just had a ball. And then we moved and they moved and that was that. SO sad. Jesse and my dad and I still talk about them all the time (seriously - more than you would think) because they were a huge part of our lives back then and we have such good memories with them. I even have these old picture albums that I pull out all the time to show people who come over and there are pictures of all of them - there's this one picture of my dad's dog dragging Mikie by biting him on the butt of his jeans. He was the funniest kid - ever! So anyway, moving right along, I got a myspace email:

Hi there...Candy here...If you are the (insert my name) I used to know your dad's name is (insert my dad's name) and your brother's name is (my brother's name). Would love to here how they are doing so let me know if you would like. I knew your family from Redwood Stables in Novato California. I had a big spotted appaloosa named Rocky, a son named Mikie and my dads name was Bud. Hope to hear from you...thanks, Candy

Is she serious?!?! DO I REMEMBER HER?!?!? So, needless to say, I've been emailing back and forth with her AND Mikie! It's so weird - like we never skipped a beat, and it's been 15 years! At least! Mikie and I have been chatting on yahoo every night for the past 4 nights and it just makes me smile the hugest smile. He lives in Boise, Idaho and he works for an airline so he can fly for free - and his mom can fly for free. I'm trying to get them to come out here SOON! They've already agreed, but getting it really planned and all set is another story. You know how that goes. So, that's my fun and exciting news. (by the way - no one calls him Mikie anymore, but I can't shake it.)

On another note, Wesley! Ugh! Ok, Wesley is the baby I nanny for. The LOVE of my life - yes, folks, he rates over all of em! He's been out of town with his parents for the past 2 weeks - today was my first day back. Before he left, he was the sweetest, happiest, most adorable little thing you ever saw! He LOVED me! I've been watching him 5 days a week with 2 overnights a week (approx) since he was 11 days old! We were tight, I'm tellin ya! So wouldn't you know it - the little bugger HATES me! So sad! If he even hears his mom's voice and I'm holding him he wails!!! It's seriously so sad. He looks at me when I'm holding him and his little lower lip curls down and he bawls his eyes out. I don't know what I'm going to do. He's only 4.5 months old - SO young for separation anxiety! Wish me luck that tomorrow goes better. And if it does, I'm sure Monday we'll have to start all over again. My little buddy hates me! Ugh! Ok, I HAVE to get some sleep! This work schedule is NO fun - 8:30-5:30 after two weeks off takes some getting used to. I'll write soon! I promise!!! Don't get too down on me for letting Adam sneak back in a little. Not totally, and not officially. It's just so much easier to NOT be sad all the time. I know I know...the song....

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you're trying to fly, It's sad but sometimes Moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

But not today. Sorry. Not today.