Ugh

That's how I feel today. It's rainy and gloomy and just such a blah day. And on top of that, I'm annoyed that I'm sitting back in Adam's living room. I'm listening to him talk about his fucked up life and be SO proud on the phone with his friend in Texas. WHY!??!?! Why are you so proud that you got pulled over last week when you were high, had two shots in ya, had drugs on you and got away with it?!?!? WHY do you keep telling people that story!?!?!? SSSshhh. Don't be so proud. I'm mortified. And that's not the only story being told this week, and the next story is WAY more humiliating: "How'd you get that black eye?" Why can't he just say - oh, my girlfriend beat me up, hahaha. (I didn't! I swear - but it HAS to sound better than the truth and besides, people would know he was kidding and maybe just blow it off and move on). But no, instead they get the whole: "Well, I got kicked out of a club last week for smoking weed and when they threw me out (literally) I lost my balance as I hit the curb and ran headfirst into a car." Nice. Nice. What am I doing people? Am I following my heart? Is that what this is? Well this is ridiculous. I'm not angry, I'm not freaking out. I'm just adding this to the long list of why it won't work in the end, so why build on it? Why prolong the inevitable? I'm not asking you. Obviously. I'm asking myself - the same question I've been asking myself every day except the day that I decided it would be a good idea to go out to dinner with Adam last Wednesday. I wish I could erase that day. That one day that I was weak and let my heart win the war.

And while I'm venting, listen to what else he did today: We went to lunch together. We went to China Gourmet - a place we've been a BUNCH of times. Every time we go, I get the table and he orders the food - it's a walk up the counter, get your own table kinda place. We each get a soup (he gets hot and sour and I get wonton) and then we split 2 things. He picks - because he knows what I like and he gets some kind of kick out of ordering all the food all the time. Fine with me. Today was a little different. We walked in (I had the baby with me, so I was lugging in all 19 pounds of him in his car seat) and Adam went up to the counter and I went straight to the table. When Adam came to the table he only had his food. He TOTALLY forgot to order me anything. He ordered his food, paid and came and sat down and just looked at me as I silently stared at him. Really? Did you really just do that? Without words he smiled, giggled a little and went back up and ordered. It's not that I need him to do everything for me or even pay for me. But that's what we do - EVERY single time we've ever been there. And yes, you can pay for my lunch - considering I worked for 17 hours straight for you this weekend without compensation, thank you very much.

And the song of the day goes to: Chely Wright. The title is Wouldn't It Be Cool. It actually should say (to be more in line with my life) Won't It Be Cool. And it will be.

Wouldn't it be cool if all the supermodels tried to look like me
And wouldn't it be cool if someone's character was
something you could see
Wouldn't it be cool if I could fly
Get a new perspective from the sky
Ooo wouldn't it be cool

Wouldn't it be cool if I could do long division in my head
Wouldn't it be cool if I didn't have to edit what I said
Wouldn't it be cool if life was fair
When someone says, "I love you" they will always be there

[Wouldn't It Be Cool lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

If one day you beg and plead for me to take you back
I would be so unaffected I would simply laugh and laugh
Wouldn't it be cool... cool

Wouldn't it be cool if I could catch you at a restaurant with her
And wouldn't it be cool if I was strong enough to muster up the nerve
To tell her all the secrets that we had
Just to see you squirm and feel as bad as I do
Wouldn't it be cool

If one day you beg and plead for me to take you back
I would be so unaffected I would simply laugh and laugh
Wouldn't it be cool... cool