My plans for Mikie's visit

So I do believe Mikie is flying in Friday night - it's perfect because I'm house/dog sitting at my brother's house in Denver til Sunday, so we'll stay there. On Saturday I think we'll have either breakfast or lunch with my dad and then (depending on the weather) we'll go to Elitches! He LOVES rides though and I get kinda sick on anything other than the roller coasters, so we'll see. Saturday night my friends are having a small bbq for us - well not for us. Yes, for us I guess. They're just having us over for dinner (they live close to Jesse's) and then we're going out in Denver to the bars and whatever. Then on Sunday we'll...well I don't know what we'll do. Sleep in, I'm assuming and then maybe lunch on 32nd and Lowell or the 16th Street Mall??? I don't know. Then Sunday night we'll move over to my house. Maybe we'll see a movie or something that night or go out to see Belle. And then Monday I have to work all day, so I think I'll leave Mikie on his own for a little while (he can maybe just take my car for a while) and then we'll meet down on Pearl Street for lunch and maybe a walk on the Boulder Creek Path - it's fun to watch the tubers and stuff down at Eben G. Fine and I think it's so pretty. Then when I get off work on Monday we're going back to Denver to see Edwin McCain!!! I LOVE LOVE him - I've seen him twice a year for the last 5 or 6 years! When I asked Mikie if he'd go with me he replied: "Yes, sure! Who is he?" Hahaha. So he's all for going, but he doesn't know who he is. Oh well - hope he likes him, because those of you who know me know that I'll be SO into my own little world, snapping my fingers and stuff, that I won't be able to give him much goondooo. And then Tuesday I have to work from 8am-10am and then we're off to Estes Park!!! Funnnn! I love it up there - all the elk and stuff and it's so pretty! A beautiful drive, too! And THEN (geesh!) we're headed BACK to Denver to go to a Rockies game. Maybe. I think. Neither of us are die hard baseball fans, but agreed games are always fun - and it's a fireworks game. However, rockpile tix are already sold out and that was what we were going to do. And then he goes home. Boooooo. Well, I think booo. Maybe I'll be dying for him to leave! Who knows!?!?!? I hope it's as much fun as we both think it's going to be!

Hmmm....I can't think of a song to go here. Next time...

Here's the update:

So I still haven't given in and seen Adam - I haven't even talked to him, in fact, in a couple of days. I emailed him yesterday and really gave it to him - better than I ever have and I haven't heard a word since. It's so not like him to not call and try to defend himself, but at the end of the email I asked him not to respond, not to call me and to leave me alone if he saw me. Oddly, he has listened and respected that so far. We shall see and I shall keep you posted!

Compliments of JoDee Messina:

Boy, you sure look good there standing in the doorway in the sun-setting light
Maybe I read you wrong thinking you could be my Mr. Right
I was putting my heart and soul on the line
Said you needed some time just a little more time to make up your mind
Well, it's been long enough The time is up
Bye, bye, love I'll catch you later
Got a lead foot down on my accelerator and the rearview mirror torn off
I ain't never looking back and that's a fact
I've tried all I can imagine I've begged and pleaded in true lovers fashion
I've got pride, I'm taking it for a ride
Bye, bye,Bye, bye, my baby Bye, bye
Don't think all those tears are gonna hold me here like they've done before
You'll find what's left of us in a cloud of dust on Highway 4
Baby, what did you expect me to do?Just sit around and wait on you?
Well, I'm through watching you just skate around the truth and I know it sounds trite
I've seen the light
Bye, bye, love...

Guess Who is Coming to Visit?!?!?

MIKIE! I'm SO excited. A little nervous, too, I must admit. But it's just an old friend coming for a visit, right? Right. I love company, so that's good. As long as we get along. Ha! Imagine? That would totally suck. I don't think that will happen. Maybe no sparks, but that'll be OK. Friends are good. Friends are great, actually!!!

See? So good, I just HAD to take a picture!

FUNNN weekend!

So yesterday I was supposed to spend ALL day in a CPR class - I was NOT excited about it. Things happened and I didn't end up going...bummer because I'm going to have to make it up, but hooray because I had such a fun Saturday!!!

Debra and I went to breakfast at this place we found in Niwot called the Garden Gate Cafe. I finally found a good little breakfast spot that reminded me so much of all the breakfast places at home. It was so cute and had that same feeling that Eric's Place has and I LOVE that! And right from there I went out and rode Belle for 2 hours - it was SO hot, but we had such a productive ride and it was the perfect 2 hours with her. And then Debra and I went down to Larimer Square - they were having a street art fair - La Piazza something something - it was street chalk and it was AMAZING! Ok, well I tried to add the pictures here, after I talked about the art fair, but it put the pictures at the top. Oh well. So anyway, it was GREAT! Pretty small and it was about 100 degrees outside, so I felt REALLY sorry for these poor artists, but they seemed to be enjoying themselves, nonetheless.

After that, I went back to my brother's house and got ready for our girl's night out planned for Alex's last weekend in town, sort of a goodbye to Alex/fun night out with her girlfriends. It started off on the right foot, because despite being an hour late, I was having a GREAT hair night and I was looking all tanned up and I was feeling gooooooood about being single! So the night just got better and better as it went on. It was such a nice fitting group of girls - everyone got along with everyone and we all just chatted and laughed and had SO much FUN! However, I'm not feeling tip top today, that's for sure. I even had to make myself....well.....get sick this morning in an attempt at feeling better - then I took a 2 hour nap and that helped. I got to wake up with my nephew jumping on me saying: "Time to get up, Auntie!" It was fun. And then my dad came over to my brother's house and Jesse cooked us all blueberry pancakes (the best I've ever had, in fact) and scrambled eggs. It was such a nice weekend. Now I'm off to take another nap and then I'm going to watch the twins tonight! I LOVED this weekend!

I've been slipping on the songs - I TOTALLY forgot! I'll try to be better about that - I want that to my "thing" but I keep forgetting!!!

Hahaha - this is a good one!

Well I really had a ball last night
I held all the pretty boys tight
I was feelin' single seein' double
Wound up in a whole lot of trouble
But today I'll face the big fight but
I really had a ball last night

Oh, by the way - I'm still totally single. Adam's been calling 20 times a day, texting all kinds of I love yous and promises and I haven't caved yet - WOOHOO! I haven't seen him since Tuesday!!!!

Alex gets SO many comments!

And I get ONE? ONE in a month? Please. Say something!

Just one more...

So I just want to make sure that you scroll to the next page. Go all the way to Hit the Hay - because I added 12 posts tonight and you won't get the scoop on Adam if you don't go all the way to And So the Story Goes. K. Just making sure. G'night!

Hahahahaha!

My favrotie halloween costume - ever! Hahaha. It kills me every time. Mardi gras!!!

I originally took this picture to show Mikie how far away from the mountains I ride (because we used to ride IN the mountains in Northern Cal, and it just doesn't compare), but as he pointed out - it's really a pretty picture. Plus, Whitney, the foal in the background is adorable!

Oh Buddy. You sweet sweet girl.

Birthday Candles

This is my mom and my nephew, blowing the candles out on her bday. I'm so excited!!! I get to hang out with Cal for a little while tomorrow evening. I never get one on one time with him, and it's SO fun!!

These are my brother's pets. I LOVE them! Tank is the dog and Powder is the cat.

I guess it will have to go like this:

I don't quite know how to do more than one photo and caption it. I'll have to do separate posts. Ok... This is Belle! My favorite girl, my sanity. Love her!

Nevermind

That was dumb. Who wants to scroll all the way down? Not me. Ok, so just scroll down a little and you'll see Ben - the stallion that had his semen shipped last week. Other than that, here are the other pics I want to share with you.

Above is the picture I took of myself tonight to send to Mikie.

Now that I have a new camera...

I'm going to add some more pics. Scroll down and look at the pics that I added to the blogs. FUNNNN!

So.... Mikie!

This is just a tiny little tidbit. Do you think I might be crushing on my old friend Mikie?!?!? Is that why it feels so easy to leave Adam right now? Hmmm. My dad brought it up today - well he actually said: "Mikie probably has his eye on you, Missy." Truth be told (as if you that know me didn't already know) it crossed my mind too! I know - single for 90 days. Does that have to start over again or can I pick up from where it started a little while back? I think it shouldn't count that I got back with Adam because really it wasn't like having a boyfriend???? Plus, we only had sex a couple of times. Doesn't count. It's my game and it doesn't count. I make the rules. Ok. So... Mikie! So Julie sent me a msg today: "Is he hot or not? I can't tell." Oh come on, Jul. You know he's not hot in those myspace pics. And so just like I told her, I'll tell you - judging by how Mikie looked last time I saw him (over 15 years ago) he would be a cutie! But not in the myspace pics. I was so bummed. But whatever. We're old pals, no big deal. So tonight I'm chatting with Mikie and we both got new cameras, coincidentally. I told him: "Take a picture RIGHT NOW and send it to me." So we both did that. And there he was! The old Mikie face staring at me on my computer screen. The face I remember and so cute. I think he's SO cute. I was like - um, WHY on earth do you have those pictures up on myspace!?!??!?!?! You're YOU! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. We got a good laugh out of it. So let me try to post his pic here. I have never done this, so let me try this.

And so the story goes...

I'm single. Again. It feels good. For now. Let me just give you the lowdown on the week, first.

I was out of town for 5 days and got back to Colorado on Tuesday night. (Side note: I reluctantly had Adam drop me off at the airport because I didn't want him to use my car while I was gone. He is SO hard on my car - all cars, actually.) So anyway, he picked me up because he had my car. He was his cute little self (gag) standing at the top of the escalator with roses (he's done that before and it doesn't impress me, because I always know I'm sooooo close to being disappointed by something anyway). Ok, fine. Roses, blah. So I smiled and hugged and kissed hello and then we went and got my luggage and went down to my car. AAAAAAAAAHHHH! I called Adam TWICE that day to remind him to PLEASE clean out my car and fill it with gas (since it was full when I left). I explained to him on the phone that those little things REALLY irritate me, and to please please just do that. Not wash it, just clean your shit out of it, please! Sure, he said. Over and over. Ugh. Obviously - if you know Adam - the car was a filth pit. It had cups and water bottles, straw wrappers, cigarette wrappers, trash, trash and more trash. And on top of that it barely had ANY gas in it AND he said: "Was this already broken?" As he held up the now hanging center console/arm rest. Um, no. It's SO frustrating!!! So the big thing is that I spent about $200 less than a month ago getting little odds and ends fixed on my car so that it would feel like the nice car that it is, rather than the piece of shit that it had turned into. I was really enjoying having my car to myself, all nice and neat again. So now it's a dump again! I paid just over $20,000 for that car - that's A LOT Of money to pay out of my pocket and it bums me out to have it be so shitty. So anyway, that's when the frustration began. And then we get to my house and he has to go to work - ok, fine. Even though he told me he had the entire night to spend with me. Fine. So that was Tuesday. Then last night he called me at 8:30pmish (much to my surprise, actually). He said he wanted to spend some time with me since Tuesday had been a bust. I was at dinner with Joy and Debra and said I'd call him when I was done. I didn't. I don't now why, I just didn't. I wasn't expecting to see him anyway and I always feel like he does things (like spend time with me) out of guilt, so I just didn't call him. He eventually called at about 9:30 or 10pm. Still saying he wanted to see me, but then in the next breath he said: it's really busy out tonight so I'm going to go to the mall. In our lingo, that means to work. Ok, fine. I wasn't expecting much effort on his part anyway, no big deal. So then I called him at like 11:30 and it was so loud - I asked where he was..."The Walrus, with Seth." Hmmmm. Weird. Ok, fine. So that was his last night off until Monday, since Thursday starts his work week. So tonight he calls (for the first time all day) at about 7:30pm. He says - "I'd like to see you. I'm going to Denver to see a dj, you wanna come?" Um, no. But thanks. (me) "I thought you had to work????" (adam) "No, I got the night off" (me) "Oh. Well I have to work at 9 and honestly I have no desire to go to a club in Denver. It's weird to me that you went to the Walrus last night after having not seen me for 5 days (other than the hour on the way home from the airport) and tonight you got the night off to go to Denver to a club." And so it began.

That's really all the rehashing I feel like doing. Let's just say that last night I told Adam that it had always been my mind telling me to move on and I finally am starting to hear my heart chime in and get on the same team as my mind. So after last night and then this tonight, I just felt done. Yes, again. But hey - who cares if it's happened before? It's bound to stick sooner or later. It helps (as I told him tonight) that I've totally untangled my life from his - I feel so NOT intertwined anymore! FUNNNN! So fun and it feels so freeing. I haven't talked to his mom in forever. Or his brother for that matter. I ran into Rob the other night and it was a courtesy hug - sad because we were pretty good friends, but it just can't be. Too sticky. Whateva. And his mom called me and left me a msg yesterday (side note: she's always the first person to call me for the day and even if it's noon it still really bugs me! get off my case, lady!): (her) "Hi Nissa. Hope you had a nice trip. Could you give me a call, please? I have a quick question." So, reluctantly, I did. And it went like this: (her) "Hi Nissa. How are you, dear? (me) "Good. you?" (her) "Good trip?" (me) "Yep." (her) "Have you seen Adam yet?" (me) "Yep. He picked me up." (her) "How was that?" (me) "Fine." (her) "Everything cool?" (me) "Yep. Fine." (her) "Ok, dear. Maybe I'll see you sometime soon???" (me) "Maybe. What was the question you had to ask me?" (her) "Oh, it was nothing. I figured it out already." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is she serious?!?!? Did she really lie on my voicemail so I'd call her back?? Yep. This from a lady who blocks out her phone number when she calls if she thinks I won't answer it. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! So, yes. I've detached from his family. And I'm in touch with 2 friends that I met through him, but I'm not worried about that. They never see him anyway, and at this point they're my friends now. I was in their wedding, etc. So....today I am single. May the force be with me.

Before I Hit the Hay...

Hahaha. Sometimes I crack myself up. As I was titling my blog (sometimes it's better to title after the blog is written, but not tonight) and I came up with the one above, I laughed and thought how accidentally clever I can be. I wanted to write to tell you about my day at the ranch and so "Hit the Hay" seemed to fit - even though I didn't mean it to work out like that. Anyway...

Today I started my day out the best way I know how - with Belle. GREAT morning ride. I was the only one around and it was beautiful beautiful beautiful! I rode for a little over an hour and then as I was finishing my time at the ranch, the owner asked me for a little help. She and the vet were collecting semen from one of the stallions and she needed me to lead a mare around to sort of taunt the stallion with all her beauty. Seriously. It was the craziest thing and I was amazed by the whole process. There is this stallion at the ranch named Ben - he is absolutely GORGEOUS! Big huge horse with a long long mane and tail and his presence is very powerful. He is kind of closed off from people and other horses because he is the epitome of a stallion - very dangerous when he gets all worked up and just not all that pleasant. His paddock is completely out of site from the rest of us because he gets SO worked up SO easily and throws such fits. He's always yelling and kicking and biting anything he can. So imagine my surprise when Nicole asks me to go out to the pasture and lead in a mare "in season" - that's just like being in heat. I was a little nervous, needless to say. So I retrieve the mare and lead her into the barn that Ben is in and IMMEDIATELY Ben (now there is a HUGE steal door with slits in it (kind of like prison, only the bottom half is solid and the top half has the bars with spaces - narrow spaces) goes nuts. He starts striking with his front feet and making these very high pitches squeals. Nicole and the vet are right outside his door and Nicole peeks in and says: "He's all the way out!" So the vet and Nicole squeeze in the tiny opening they make with his big steel door and Nicole puts this big chained halter on him and the vet quickly puts this HUGE leather glove type thing over his HUGE penis! Ben is so worked up and distracted by this mare that he doesn't even care what else is going on around him. I'm just outside the door walking the mare back and forth so that her backside is rubbing on his door - Ben is FLIPPING out. It sounds like the big steel door is going to totally come down. Within 30 seconds...SEMEN! More semen than one could ever imagine! I was in absolute SHOCK! Seriously! It was the craziest thing I've witnessed in nature - is that nature? I guess not. It was all very bizarre. So just like that, the vet and Nicole came out of the stall and Nicole will mail off Ben's semen and get LOTS of money for it. Lucky for the mare that she didn't have to actually deal with Ben - he is a BEAST!!!! But a beautiful beast at that.

And the song of the day goes to: Shania Twain. A very thoughful friend of mine made me a mix tape! Ok, it was really a mixed CD, but it just doesn't sound the same as a mix tape. I'm sure it's mixED tape anyway, but no one ever says that. It's kind of like everyone I know saying Reesies Peicies. Um, no. It's Riece's Pieces - as in pieces of Reice's, but no one knows that. Anyway, it's a great CD for me right now. Lots of GREAT songs about breaking up, being single, loving it and hating it. It covers all the bases, that's for sure. Anyway, there's a song by Shania Twain that talks about her boyfriend who is SO bad for her and his response to his bad habits is: "I ain't no quitter." Very fun song. So here it is, folks:

he drinks-he smokes
he'll cuss-he swears-he tells bad jokes
yeah,he ropes-he rides
he lives life fast, and he loves to fight
he's a boozer-a loser
he calls me up when he's had too much
a scheemer-a dreamer
(bridge:)
when i tell him to change his ways
he just turns to me and says
'i aint no quitter'
(chorus:)
no, i aint givin up on him just yet
cause im as stubborn as a girl can get
he wont quit-but you can bet
im stickin to it
i-aint-i aint no quitter

he chews-he spits
[I Ain't No Quitter lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

he flirts too much,and he loves blonde chicks
he struts-he strolls
he looks so cool, and yeah, he knows
he's a beautie - cutie
his body rocks, and the girls they flock
he's afflicted-addicted

(bridge)

no,i aint givin up on him just yet
cause im as stubborn as a girl can get
no, i aint givin up on him just yet
cause im as stubborn as a girl can get
he wont quit-but you can bet
im stickin to it
i-aint-i aint no quitter
i-aint-i aint no quitter
oh baby, i-aint-i aint no quitter
yeah I ain't no quitter yeah yeah yeah I ain't noooooo quitta

By the way, I would NEVER tell Adam about this song. I can hear it now - that'll be his new favorite phrase or comeback.

Please...Don't Make This Even Harder!

Tonight I was talking to a friend on the phone (kind of late - 10:30pmish) about knowing what needs to be done (about my relationship with Adam) and I went on and on about knowing that it's not going to change or get any better blah blah blah...we've all heard it before. And wouldn't you know it... within 5 minutes, there he was. At the door, clean and shaven (unusual for him these days), black eye faded muchly, nice(ish) clothes on, and my favorite take out from the Cheesecake Factory, and the biggest smile. "Hi, Baby. I thought we could have dinner together and maybe watch a movie." Aw. That's all I can say. Aw. Totally unexpected. I've never said he's not sweet, because he is. He really is. But it doesn't change the way I feel. I still know. I still will. When? Not sure. Maybe right before Mikie comes to see me!!!! FUNNNN! Only because he'll be staying at my house and we'll be having such a fun visit (catching up and all since it's been 15 years (at least) and I know I won't give in and call Adam while Mikie is here!) More on that later. I'm tired and I'm going to bed. I'm going riding bright and early! Belle is better! I had my first ride with her today since she went lame a couple of weeks ago! GREAT RIDE! I needed it! Whew!

Sing it Leann!

How do I,
Get through the night without you?
If I had to live without you,
What kind of life would that be?

Honestly, I'm not feeling nearly as pathetic as this song implies. But I do ask myself those questions.

Side Note:

I bought the JJ Grey and Mofro CD yesterday. LOVE LOVE LOVE most of it! There's this great song about baggage that we bring into new relationships. It's great! Great!

Ugh

That's how I feel today. It's rainy and gloomy and just such a blah day. And on top of that, I'm annoyed that I'm sitting back in Adam's living room. I'm listening to him talk about his fucked up life and be SO proud on the phone with his friend in Texas. WHY!??!?! Why are you so proud that you got pulled over last week when you were high, had two shots in ya, had drugs on you and got away with it?!?!? WHY do you keep telling people that story!?!?!? SSSshhh. Don't be so proud. I'm mortified. And that's not the only story being told this week, and the next story is WAY more humiliating: "How'd you get that black eye?" Why can't he just say - oh, my girlfriend beat me up, hahaha. (I didn't! I swear - but it HAS to sound better than the truth and besides, people would know he was kidding and maybe just blow it off and move on). But no, instead they get the whole: "Well, I got kicked out of a club last week for smoking weed and when they threw me out (literally) I lost my balance as I hit the curb and ran headfirst into a car." Nice. Nice. What am I doing people? Am I following my heart? Is that what this is? Well this is ridiculous. I'm not angry, I'm not freaking out. I'm just adding this to the long list of why it won't work in the end, so why build on it? Why prolong the inevitable? I'm not asking you. Obviously. I'm asking myself - the same question I've been asking myself every day except the day that I decided it would be a good idea to go out to dinner with Adam last Wednesday. I wish I could erase that day. That one day that I was weak and let my heart win the war.

And while I'm venting, listen to what else he did today: We went to lunch together. We went to China Gourmet - a place we've been a BUNCH of times. Every time we go, I get the table and he orders the food - it's a walk up the counter, get your own table kinda place. We each get a soup (he gets hot and sour and I get wonton) and then we split 2 things. He picks - because he knows what I like and he gets some kind of kick out of ordering all the food all the time. Fine with me. Today was a little different. We walked in (I had the baby with me, so I was lugging in all 19 pounds of him in his car seat) and Adam went up to the counter and I went straight to the table. When Adam came to the table he only had his food. He TOTALLY forgot to order me anything. He ordered his food, paid and came and sat down and just looked at me as I silently stared at him. Really? Did you really just do that? Without words he smiled, giggled a little and went back up and ordered. It's not that I need him to do everything for me or even pay for me. But that's what we do - EVERY single time we've ever been there. And yes, you can pay for my lunch - considering I worked for 17 hours straight for you this weekend without compensation, thank you very much.

And the song of the day goes to: Chely Wright. The title is Wouldn't It Be Cool. It actually should say (to be more in line with my life) Won't It Be Cool. And it will be.

Wouldn't it be cool if all the supermodels tried to look like me
And wouldn't it be cool if someone's character was
something you could see
Wouldn't it be cool if I could fly
Get a new perspective from the sky
Ooo wouldn't it be cool

Wouldn't it be cool if I could do long division in my head
Wouldn't it be cool if I didn't have to edit what I said
Wouldn't it be cool if life was fair
When someone says, "I love you" they will always be there

[Wouldn't It Be Cool lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

If one day you beg and plead for me to take you back
I would be so unaffected I would simply laugh and laugh
Wouldn't it be cool... cool

Wouldn't it be cool if I could catch you at a restaurant with her
And wouldn't it be cool if I was strong enough to muster up the nerve
To tell her all the secrets that we had
Just to see you squirm and feel as bad as I do
Wouldn't it be cool

If one day you beg and plead for me to take you back
I would be so unaffected I would simply laugh and laugh
Wouldn't it be cool... cool

It was fun, but I'm glad it's over.

This weekend was filled with lots of things I swore I'd never do (again!), under one big heading: Work For Adam. But it was spontaneous and I had SO much fun doing it. Earlier in the week, when Adam and I started getting along again, I agreed to work the Farmers Market (which is a commitment I made - to stick out the whole season, regardless - over the winter anyway). That wasn't spontaneous - it's just something I've been doing and planning on doing every Saturday morning, because all in all I really enjoy it. It's not working with Adam, so our fighting and breaking up hasn't ever been an issue there. And since Adam and I ARE getting along now, we decided (after the Farmers Market) to go check out the SOBO Festival (South Boulder, get it?). The Stand had a booth there, but neither of us were scheduled to work it, we just decided to see what it was all about - we missed the festival last year (this year was just the 2nd year), and had both heard really good things about it. When we got there it was a nightmare - all the people working The Stand were an unorganized mess - it looked awful, customers were irritated and it was just an all around mess. So, being the two best (fastest and most organized and most like rock stars when in work mode at The Stand, seriously) workers, we jumped in and saved the day. That was at 3pm (the Farmers Market ended at 2pm, so we pretty much went right up there after we finished up) and I stayed, in the same position, until 9:46pm. It was, by far, the BUSIEST it has ever been at a festival for us. We had two lines - an order line and a pick up line - of about 30 people for 6 hours straight. It never stopped. It was the best festival I've ever worked and I had SO much fun! The best part was the music! All day they had live music playing and it was all super good. The last guy on was JJ Grey and Mofro - they ROCKED! I'm telling you - this man was amazing. His voice, his piano playing, and the horns and just their music had EVERYONE boogieing down for the last couple of hours. The night was beautiful here - it was about 74 dgrees, clear skies, no wind, etc. Te was so great that, as exhausted as I was at 9:46pm, when I got to my car to go home and crash I got back out of my car and went back into the festival to hear the rest of their set. And I loved every minute of it. My night didn't end there, however.

I thought, for sure, that I was on my way home to shower and go to sleep for at least 12 hours. I had been on my feet ALL day! Apparently, Adam had a different idea for me. On my way home, I got a phone call from him asking me to go to get more pita bread from the kitchen (at work) and when I got to his freezer I realized there were no pitas. So I went back up to SOBO to grab what we had left over from the day at the festival before they were all packed up over there. 40 pitas. Not good, not good at all. So anyway, I brought him the pitas then I went home. Before I was even done counting the money, still in my work clothes - not even home for 30 mins, Adam called me again: "Can you PLEASEEEEEE go to the grocery store and get another 100 pitas?" Sure. So I did. When I got to The Stand at about 12am, I saw Adam working BY HIMSELF. People, this is crazy because there are usually 3 people working - it gets craaaaaaaaaaazy on the mall at night and there is just no way 1 person can handle it. Needless to say, against all I've ever said about working for or with Adam about NEVER EVER working the night business, I did it. I rolled my sleeves up and hopped on the money belt. It was just absolutely insane. Insane! Serving 200 (mostly) drunk people between midnight and 3am was NUTS! I've been on the other side of it (usually drunk, I'll admit) and thought it was nuts, but this was just nuttier than I ever realized. I will say that the drunk people, most of them anyway, were a lot nicer and more patient than the grumpy people at the Farmers Market. And Adam is a frigin genius - did I mention that yet? I mean, as crappy of a boyfriend he can be, his business kicks ass. How often can you get healthy (see: All Natural Beef, hummus wraps, etc.) on the street at 2am? I've never seen anything like it. And Boulder appreciates "healthy" alternatives to Taco Bell, let me tell ya. People were praising the food, us (the workers) and the idea in general left and right. It was quite a scene. I have a different respect for what he does now, that's for sure. Sometimes I just wish Adam and I could get our shit together and work this out. We made a really good team yesterday and it sucks that we can't figure out the relationship side of it. For the record, I slept until 4pm today. I worked HARD yesterday - a lot harder (physically) than my 9-5, that's for sure. Ahhhh, 12 hours of sleep. It was beautiful!

Because Julie and I are talking about Paris Hilton right now, this is the stupid song I have in my head (no words of wisdom in lyrics today, folks):
Akon
They won't let me out, they won't let me out, (im locked up)
They won't let me out no, they wont let me out, (im locked up)
They won't let me out, they won't let me out, (im locked up)
They won't let me out no, they won't let me out

I'll be better, I promise.

I'm sorry I haven't written. I'll be better about it, I promise. Some of you can probably guess why...I'm not proud. But I'm happier, at least. Does that count? I'm not back together with Adam, but I have caved in and let him back in a couple of times. And we're getting along....for now. I know what you're thinking, and go ahead. Think it. I don't care - ok, I'm lying. But I'm trying not to care. I have to do what I feel like is right for me. Sure, there is a part of me that says HELL NO! DON'T DO IT! And then there's a part of me (a bit smaller part of me, I'll admit it) that says - Eh, what's it gonna hurt..you were sad anyway, (insert my name). At least now you're not sad right now. So do with that what you will...feel sorry for me, go ahead. I know you are, and that's ok. You've all been here, and if you haven't you're one of very few and you will be there someday (hopefully not, but you will.) Ok, enough of that...onto better news!!!! Oh but wait - he's been sweet...do you want to know? Sure you do - this is my blog and I say you want to know - roses, cards, (more) promises (and who is to say for sure that they're empty this time?!?!?) and so on. Ok - better things...

MIKIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mikie Mikie Mikie! Seriously - I am SO excited about this! Ok, when I was little I used to spend summers and holidays in California with my dad. We boarded our horses at this GREAT place called Sunset Corral...BEST childhood ever out there! There was this woman (my dad's age) named Candy who, along with her son Mikie and her dad Bud, boarded her horses right next to ours. We spent LOTS of time with this family - my brother, my dad and I always rode with this family. They were AWESOME! Mikie was a couple of months younger than I was and we just had a ball. And then we moved and they moved and that was that. SO sad. Jesse and my dad and I still talk about them all the time (seriously - more than you would think) because they were a huge part of our lives back then and we have such good memories with them. I even have these old picture albums that I pull out all the time to show people who come over and there are pictures of all of them - there's this one picture of my dad's dog dragging Mikie by biting him on the butt of his jeans. He was the funniest kid - ever! So anyway, moving right along, I got a myspace email:

Hi there...Candy here...If you are the (insert my name) I used to know your dad's name is (insert my dad's name) and your brother's name is (my brother's name). Would love to here how they are doing so let me know if you would like. I knew your family from Redwood Stables in Novato California. I had a big spotted appaloosa named Rocky, a son named Mikie and my dads name was Bud. Hope to hear from you...thanks, Candy

Is she serious?!?! DO I REMEMBER HER?!?!? So, needless to say, I've been emailing back and forth with her AND Mikie! It's so weird - like we never skipped a beat, and it's been 15 years! At least! Mikie and I have been chatting on yahoo every night for the past 4 nights and it just makes me smile the hugest smile. He lives in Boise, Idaho and he works for an airline so he can fly for free - and his mom can fly for free. I'm trying to get them to come out here SOON! They've already agreed, but getting it really planned and all set is another story. You know how that goes. So, that's my fun and exciting news. (by the way - no one calls him Mikie anymore, but I can't shake it.)

On another note, Wesley! Ugh! Ok, Wesley is the baby I nanny for. The LOVE of my life - yes, folks, he rates over all of em! He's been out of town with his parents for the past 2 weeks - today was my first day back. Before he left, he was the sweetest, happiest, most adorable little thing you ever saw! He LOVED me! I've been watching him 5 days a week with 2 overnights a week (approx) since he was 11 days old! We were tight, I'm tellin ya! So wouldn't you know it - the little bugger HATES me! So sad! If he even hears his mom's voice and I'm holding him he wails!!! It's seriously so sad. He looks at me when I'm holding him and his little lower lip curls down and he bawls his eyes out. I don't know what I'm going to do. He's only 4.5 months old - SO young for separation anxiety! Wish me luck that tomorrow goes better. And if it does, I'm sure Monday we'll have to start all over again. My little buddy hates me! Ugh! Ok, I HAVE to get some sleep! This work schedule is NO fun - 8:30-5:30 after two weeks off takes some getting used to. I'll write soon! I promise!!! Don't get too down on me for letting Adam sneak back in a little. Not totally, and not officially. It's just so much easier to NOT be sad all the time. I know I know...the song....

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you're trying to fly, It's sad but sometimes Moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

But not today. Sorry. Not today.

Will Power (or the lack of, I should say)

Just an update on the Adam sitch: He called me last night and said: "Well, now I know that you really want me to try to win you back so starting tomorrow that's what I'm going to do. For now I'm getting off the phone and I'll call you tomorrow." I guess that because I got upset about the girl(s) from the dating line that meant that I wanted him to try to win me back. I can see how confusing this must be to him - DON'T CALL ME! WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME!?!? NEVER CALL ME AGAIN - HOW COULD YOU BE TALKING TO OTHER GIRLS!?!?!? The truth of the matter is, I NEED him not to call. I NEED to move on. And I will. It's just hard. Because I still love Adam, it kills me that he's not trying to win me back and he's already talking to other girls. It really really hurts. Way more than I want it to. It's like there are all these things staring me in the face in black and white telling me what a sleaze ball he is and no matter how many times I say it out loud I'm having a hard time actually believing it. Why? I have no idea. Love? I don't know. It's like I still wake up hoping that today is the day that Adam's going to call me and say: "I get it! I'm on my way to rehab and I promise (and this time he would mean it) things will be different!" Clearly, that's never going to happen. So WHY oh WHY do I still think it might? I don't. But I do. It sucks.

And why wouldn't he change his passwords? I mean, seriously! Not only did I tell him that I found the emails from the girls, I also text msgd him last night saying: Please change your passwords so I'm not tempted. He didn't. This morning when I checked his email he had checked the pic of the naked girl and one porn site email and didn't check the email that I sent him before I went to bed. He saw that I had written him an email and he opted for the naked sluts email and not mine. Just another something in black and white that tells me to MOVE ON. Time. It just takes time. That's what everyone keeps telling me. Well I know it's not even been a week, but this sucks. This time thing - how much time? Longer than I week I presume. Ugh. Here it is noon on a beautiful day and I'm STILL in my pjs, sitting on the couch with my computer listening to Today's Country on tv (I brought my tiny bedroom tv to the living room, but it's so small you can't even see the tvguide on the tv from the couch!), because of course the first thing I did when I woke up was check to see if he changed his passwords and here I am. As if I'm stuck. I'm going to motivate RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! Shower first. Then perhaps I'll go check on my lame horse. I'm sure she's not ridable yet, but I'll take her out and brush her and see if she's getting better. I haven't seen her since Friday, so maybe she's all better. Doubtful, but I'm hopeful. Wish me luck with getting through my day without any big todos. Today is my stepfather's bday so I'll be able to have my time occuppied by spending dinner/evening with my family and then I think I'll stay at my mom's tonight. Just to avoid what happened last night. Night seems to be my weakest time. As soon as I'm in for the night I go crazy. Ok, here I go...

And the song of the day is by the Dixie Chicks!

There is no good reason
I should have to be so alone
I'm smothered by this emptiness
Lord I wish I was made of stone
Like I fool I lent my soul to love
And it paid me back in change
God help me
Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?


A heart that's worn and weathered
Would know better than to fight
But I wore mine like a weapon
Played out love like a crime
And it wrung me out and strung me out
And it hung years on my face
God help me
Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?


[Am I The Only One lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

Now my sense of humor needs a break
I see a shadow in the mirror
And she's laughin' through her tears
One more smile's all I can fake


There is a wound inside me
And it's bleeding like a flood
There's times when I see a light ahead
Hope is not enough
As another night surrounds me
And it pounds me like a wave
God help me
Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?

God help me
Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?

WHY!?!?!??!?!??!

Ok, first things first: I saw "Knocked Up" tonight! BEST MOVIE! BEST!

On another note, FUCKING ADAM! I HATE HIS CREEPY LITTLE GUTS! He didn't call me all day - fine. I asked him not to. BUT that is so not like Adam. He calls all the time! Of course, he didn't call me b/c Seth was there - Seth is one of Adam's friends that I DESPISE! And he despises me too. We can be the only two in a room and we will both totally pretend no one else is in the room just so we don't have to make eye contact or say hi. He is a piece of shit - a total piece of shit. He lies and lies and lies and Adam has caught him in lies and he's STILL one of his best friends. One time he worked for Adam and stole $600 - Adam didn't even have the balls to call Seth and ask him where the money went. Seth apparently has a conscience because he called 2 days later and told Adam he got home and realized he had $600 extra in his pocket! OH RIGHT! Anyway, I'm a snoop - in case you didn't know. I checked Adam's email today and there was an email from 5:52am from princesskellie97@aol.com. It was a naked picture of herself that she sent from her blackberry. Classy. So please please please(!!!!!!) tell me why I'm still crying (ok, the flood gates opened about 20 minutes ago!) over this fucking loser?!?!?! Please! He is such a fucking scum bag! He called me at 4:30am and asked to come over. When I said no, he got on his sleazy little dating line and found some chick (one that I know, but most likely more I'm guessing!) to email him a naked picture of herself. Ew. EWWWWWWW!!! Well, of course, I couldn't bite my tongue and I called him right up and told him what a low-life he is, so I'm sure he's changing his passwords as we speak. Thank GOD I can't snoop. I can't control my snooping the same way Adam can't control his weed smoking, apparently! I hate that I was crying to him over this - I'm sure, despite what I'm saying to him at the time, he realizes the power he has over me when I'm sobbing like a fucking baby!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! I told him that despite my tears, I'm really really glad he does stuff like this because EVENTUALLY it has to sink in that he is such a loser! SUCH a loser! Seriously - and then I hear fucking Seth giggle in the background. Did I mention that Seth has been arrested TWICE for rape?!?! Nice guy. I'm really glad that all of this is happening and I'm really glad that I'm telling everyone about it because you can ALL encourage me to never speak to him again in my moments of weakness. PLEASE. All of you - feel free to remind me of what a scumbag Adam is for the rest of my life. Please. Sleazy, classless, cowardly, dishonest, untrustworthy (redundant, I know), stoned, flakey, unreliable. That's all that comes to mind right now, but I'm sure I'll think of more! And I'm NOT rereading this either. I forgot to add song lyrics last time. Oops.

(although Adam hasn't actually cheated - that I know of - the way she belts out this song is appropriate! Go Carrie!)

I DUG MY KEY INTO THE SIDE OF HIS PRETTY LITTLE SUPED UP 4WHL DRV
CARVED MY NAME INTO HIS LEATHER SEATS
TOOK A LOUISVILLE SLUGGER TO BOTH HEADLIGHTS
SLASHED A WHOLE IN ALL FOUR TIRES
MAYBE NEXT TIME HE'LL THINK BEFORE HEEEEEEE CHEATS

I MIGHTA SAVED A LITTLE TROUBLE FOR THE NEXT GIRL....

What a Day!!!

It was a good day, indeed. It's not over yet...

Today I woke up a little bit grumpy - going out and drinking didn't turn out too terribly, but all in all I wish I hadn't done it. I had a good time dancing the night away with Debra at Round Midnight, but then a trip to the Stand and forgetting my house keys when going home, etc. just didn't make for a great ending. The good news is that Adam called me at 4:30am asking to come over and I said: "NO WAY!" It felt good. I meant it, too. And, for the record, still no tears. WHEW! But back to today... My mom came to Boulder and spent the entire day gardening at my house! It was great! We weeded, raked, and planted the prettiest little flowers in 3 different flower beds all in the entry way to my apartment. It looks absolutely adorable!!!! I live in the basement of a million dollar home and my entrance/garden area looks nicer than the home owner's! They love it, too, I might add. If my camera hadn't broken I would take a picture to show you all. AND my mom helped me get started on putting things on my walls - yes, people, I've lived here for 6 months and haven't hung a single thing on the walls. It's a sin, I know. But it's looking better now, that's for sure. I have a mirror collage started on my living room walls, and it's a lot of fun. Now I just need more little mirros - square edges only. I've decided not to mix and round mirrors in. I'll take pics if I get a new camera (or figure out how to fix my old one). I'm also looking around for a new comforter for my bedroom...I have all black now and I need something brighter. I'm over the sophisticated look. I want pink or bright blue or green! Something vibrant!!! Ahhhhh... it feels good to be getting my shit together now that I'm single and all. I think it's really important to LOVE my space and I'm getting closer and closer to that point. My apartment really is nice, I just need to make it a little homier, if ya know what I mean. Funnnnnnnnnnnnnn! (I'm not rereading this, so if there are mistakes I'll have to fix them later!)

To Drink or Not to Drink??? ...Drink!

So, my friends have been very supportive and doing their best to comfort me and keep me busy during this break up. I haven't really been too keen on taking anyone up on any of their offers - just been trying to ride and sort of find peace within, so to speak. Two different groups of friends had invited me to go out (drinking) in Denver and I declined both offers, because I really don't think drinking when on the verge of any kind of breakdown is smart. I thought about joining them and not drinking, but that doesn't sound like fun either - especially now. What a downer I'd be. Not that I'm moping around all the time, but I'm sure if I went out with some friends and stayed sober with a bunch of tipsy people I'd be the downer, for sure. See? Sure appeared twice in that sentence. So anyway, I had dinner with Debra and we knew the bartender - we got free margs (1 each)...uh oh. It started. I am one margarita in and I figured: "Eh, what the heck. It's not that I'm getting drunk, I'm at dinner having a drink. Very different than going out drinking." Right? Yes, says Debra. So we have our drink and head our separate ways, for she is going out in Denver and I'm not. I'm headed home. To do what, I have no idea (since my tv died in WWIII that Adam and I had here Monday night) and reading isn't sounding good on 1 very strong margarita. Debra calls... "We're going out in Boulder, if that makes any difference," she says. Why, yes, Debra. It makes a big difference. Meet me at my house in 20 mins and let's go out! So now I'm just sitting here (texting with Kelly) and waiting for Debra to come get me so we can go out - DRINKING! Wish me luck!!!! I realize this is probably very very dumb, considering Adam works the late night stand in Boulder which is RIGHT where I'll be come late night. Yeeeeeeoooooooooooo! And for the record, I still have not shed a tear this time around - since the break up. I'm scared of what might happen when the first tear falls, but until then....

please refer to my previous post of:

Big Girls Don't Cry!!!!!

Kind of a cop out, I know. But the marg and all... Cut me some slack. AND, the song is appropriate!

Ay Ay Ay

On my way home from babysitting I stopped at Sonic - I'm addicted to Cherry Limeade...so I thought. There aren't any Sonics in Boulder, but there is one on my way home from where Belle stays, so I've been stopping (only 3 times in the past 3 months) from time to time. Not only did I order a Cherry Limeade, I also saw the Sonic Blast (just like a blizzard or flurry if you're familiar with Holy Cow) and had to get BOTH! I took one sip of the Cherry Limeade and realized I liked STRAWBERRY Limeade, not Cherry. Then, I took a couple of bites of the blast and it just didn't taste right. So, I was about to be very very bad by the way of diet and it didn't turn out that way at all. Woohoo! I did however, have a cigarette today. I'm sure I won't be a smoker ever again, but I sure have been enjoying a cigarette here and there for the past few days. Ah...Nyquil. I'm full of bad habits, aren't I? Geesh. Beth said it's OK, and if Beth says it's OK, it IS! I am supposed to be doing whatever I want for these next few weeks - hahaha! Ok, maybe she said next few days. It's only been 3 days - 2 FULL days, actually. We broke up Wednesday and Friday is just ending (thanks to Nyquil!). Good night. Wish me luck with Noah tomorrow - little shit that he can be. Gotta love him though, and that's the truth!

Oh no - ironically, I have It's Not Over by Daughtry in my head. Here goes....

It's not over.... It's not over..... It's not over.... (that's all I know) But it really is over, actually.

Ps - I think I'm having way too much fun with this blog.

Belle of the Ball is lame

She seriously is though. Belle (the horse I lease and ride 3-5 times/wk) got her feet done (that means her hooves got trimmed by the farrier) on Wednesday and is limping around and appears to be very very sore. It totally sucks. For her and for me - riding has been a great source of therapy for me and if Belle is lame, that means I can't ride. Ugh. I miss it! It's only been 3 days, but STILL! I have no idea how long this will go on, but i NEED her to be better. Tomorrow. I really want to ride!!! I only have 5 days left of my little vacation and I'm starting to panic that I didn't take full advantage of having work off! Tomorrow, I'll sit and bask in the sun at the Country Club, Sunday my mom is coming over to help me (ok, to actually do it FOR me) plant flowers in my yard and bond - she loves to bond, that mother of mine. Monday, I'm going to Denver with Alex to the "Z" cafe that she's been trying to find for a month now, and Tuesday and Wednesday aren't spoken for yet. Thursday Wesley is home!!!! Bittersweet. No more vacation, but at least I get to squish the little shmooky shmook. I'm sure he will have grown SO much in the 13 days he was in Italy!!! What a lucky little 4 month old - Italy for 13 days! Anyway, I'd like to ride every single day until Thursday! I don't know if that will happen, if little miss Belle doesn't get better. They say it's common for a horse to be sore after having her feet done - the problem with Belle is that her feet were a MESS and WAY grown out before she had them done. It's basically just like us - if we get new shoes that don't fit perfectly our feet our sore. But she's 1200 pounds and it might just take her a little longer to get used to her "new feet." BUT COME ON ALREADY! In addition to me not being able to ride, I have to drive 30 mins each way to find out if she's still sore- I have to get her out of her stall, pick her feet and then put her in the round pen and get her trotting to be able to tell. Usually (today she was so sore that I could tell right away, before she even got into the round pen). It can really be a waste of time to drive 30 mins just to find out that she's not ready to be ridden and then turn around and drive 30 mins back home. Ugh.

Ok, what song should I leave off with? Well, Kelly (my best friend - I'm sure you'll hear PLENTY of her on this thing - she lives in Rhode Island, fyi) sent me an email when she heard (ok, read - I had her read my blog to get the update on my life rather than telling her - I KNEW she was going to flip out - and she did - so I didn't really want to have the conversation with her. She's scary. Hahaha. Her response was by text first and it said: U R DONE. ENOUGH. THAT'S IT! NO MORE CHANCES!) the news. It was the song Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie. So here are the lyrics. I watched the video on youtube. I like the song - hadn't ever heard it. Thanks, Kel!

Big Girls Don't Cry...

The smell of your skin lingers on me, now
You're probably on your flight back to your hometown
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
Be with myself in center, clarity, peace, serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses that blanket
But I've gotta get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry, Don't cry, Don't cry

The path that I'm walking, I must go alone
I must take the baby steps till I'm full grown, full grown
Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I forsee the dark ahead if I stay

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses that blanket
[Big Girls Don't Cry lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

But I've gotta get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like a little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and UNO cards
I'll be your best friend
And you'll be mine, valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'cause I wanna hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself in center, clarity, peace, serenity yeah

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've gotta get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry, Don't cry, Don't cry
da da da da da da

What a difference a day makes

So... today is not quite as good as the yesterday, in terms of how I'm coping with the break up. Ugh. I woke up feeling genuinely sad. Not mad, not happy, not anything else. Just sad. I hate being sad. The good thing is that I've been sleeping through the night (thanks to Nyquil) for the past 3 nights! That is key because usually (before we actually broke up) I've been waking up between 3-5am and calling Adam - more or less to check on him when it comes right down to it. We'd usually chat for a few minutes and then I'd toss and turn and not be able to fall back to sleep because I'd be too concerned with whether or not he was lying about not getting high (turns out he was) and whether or not he was calling the "dating line" (turns out he was). I'm not sure how long I'll take Nyquil - I was kind of raised on it. My grandmother takes it every night before bed and she let me do the same as a kid. Looking back, that's pretty fucked up. Either way, I'm sure that's why I LOVE Nyquil so much now. If I ever have even the slightest runny nose or sore throat, Nyquil to the rescue! A broken heart and wanting a good night's sleep has proven to be reason enough for one big swig as well. Enough about sleep...

So I woke up today and went and met Debra for coffee and granola at Spruce Confections - BEST granola ever, ps. After that, I decided I'd do the dreaded deed of visiting with Carole - Adam's mom. Carole and I have become very close since I started dating Adam and we usually have coffee 4 or 5 times a week. Before this morning, I hadn't even talked to her since we broke up. I knew she was dying inside to talk to me, but being respectful of my space. I decided that 3 days was enough space. When I knocked on the door and she called out: "Who's there??" and I answered: "Nissa," she said: "Oh no! Nissa? Are you gonna kill me? Is it safe?" Hahaha - if you know Carole, that is very funny. She can be funny sometimes. She, of course, was casually throwing it back at me that I beat her son up a couple of days earlier. When she opened the door she hugged me so tightly for a longggggggg time. It was sad. She told me she's been so depressed and missed me so much. Carole is the type of person to take on this break up as if it were her own. She is so upset that she can't come back to my hometown with me and spend the week with my family (I told her she still could but it might be a little weird), she's upset about the whole thing. The whole break up. She really thought (and so did most people, I think) we would be able to stick it out. I didn't really want anyone to know that I was visiting Carole - I guess I thought it was a sign of weakness. I'm always caving in around Adam and our break ups and I didn't want people to start rolling their eyes quite yet. But, of course, that didn't happen. Ten'E'yck (one of Adam's oldest childhood friends) stopped over and when he walked in the door he said: "Oh, Nissa's at your mom's house." He, of course, was on the phone with Rob, Adam's twin brother. Needless to say, the cat was out of the bag. So although I'm glad I got it over with and hung out with Carole, it also added to the sadness. She asked me a lot if I thought we'd get back together. I told her no, that our time had expired. She definitely doesn't believe me, and I'm sure most people don't. I don't even know if I fully believe me. I think I should stay broken up with Adam. I really do. But there's a lot of for now thoughts going through my mind. I think that if he goes to rehab, I'll probably get back with him - but then there's the whole dating line thing, too. Why would he continue to get on the dating line (and people, keep in mind that he has done this all 3 times that we have broken up, within hours of the break up conversation) if he wanted this relationship to work? It's like he doesn't want to deal with any kind of loss at all. Any kind of rejection sends him to numb his feelings with (more) weed and attention from girls. He says things like: "What was I supposed to do???? You stormed off all mad and you were going to break up with me!" Um, how about call ME to apologize, rather than hopping on the dating line. And the Denver dating line is SO sleazy - it's "Live Links" - creeeeeeepy. He's not actually met anyone (other than his girlfriend before me that he dated for 2 years!) from Live Links - he just seems to like the conversation (so he says). Ok, ok. I'm stalling....

When I left Carole's house, I went and had lunch with my dad and then...(I cringe as I type this) I did it. I came up with every excuse I could (in my own mind, to myself) and I just pulled right up and parked in front of Adam's and walked right up and knocked on the door. Ugh. WHY?!?!?!? Because I was sad and weak and pathetic! I woke him up (obviously, because it was only 1pm and Adam doesn't get up before then unless he's forced to), telling him that I needed to get my printer - pathetic. My dad did ask me to print out some things from a disk he gave me for his portfolio and because my dad did buy me my computer and printer, I felt obligated to help him out, but still. I didn't have to drive straight to Adam's and pick up my printer. It was fine and uneventful, but all it did was make me even sadder than I already was. So I did what a depressed and broken hearted fool would do...went home and napped my afternoon away. I thought I might wake up in a better mood. No such luck. So here I sit, checking my phone for sporadic text msgs from Adam (which he has been sending off and on for the past couple of hours) and watching Charlotte's Web (I'm babysitting) and typing to you. Tomorrow MUST be a better day - I have Emma and Noah. I think we'll go to the Country Club if the weather is nice and hang out at the pool. Tomorrow is a big festival and the farmers market - both things that usually occupy my weekends. It will be my first Saturday off in months - could be tough, but hopefully the kids will keep me busy. I hate being so bummed. Tomorrow WILL be better, folks. Think happy think happy think happy think happy. What a boring post. Sorry. I'm going to put up another blog, a separate one that isn't about my stupid broken heart. This is so dull and boring. I have lots of little things to catch you up on, since I just started writing yesterday. I think I want to end all my blogs with some of my favorite song lyrics. What do you think? Should that be my tradition? I think so. Kind of like Ellen dancing on her show. Ok, hmmm....

More Carrie Underwood? Blue October? Oooooooh - how about Beyonce?

...
So since I'm not your everything, how about I'll be nothing, nothing at all to you...