Remember when this was called: It Starts With Goodbye?

My first night in my new house!

Wooooooohooooooo! I’m really excited to be in my own space again. It’s been a while. I moved out of my old place in Boulder at the beginning of October – that means it’s been 6 months since I’ve been on my own. Although it was much needed time with my family and a perfect scenario, I’m ready to be here again. By here again I mean having my own place to call home. I really really enjoy living alone. To be honest, it scares me a little…will I ever be able to make room for a special someone someday? They say if it’s the right person, you can always make room for them…let’s hope. I guess Adam and I lived pretty well together, all in all. I cried some over his mess that he left around, but other than that, I did Ok. I think. Haha. I’m sure I have friends who will let me know that I complained more than I remember about it. But, whatever. Not enough to make a lasting impression, apparently. Speaking of Adam…oh, I’ll get to that later. Right now, let’s talk more about my house. I currently have NO living room furniture. Well, no furniture at all, really, other than my bedroom (which is fully furnished). I figured I can wait on the other stuff…as long as I have a comfortable bedroom until I can afford the rest, I’m set. And I am…I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE my bedroom. I have some other things throughout the rest of the house (curtains, pictures, lamps, dishes, etc.) and I absolutely adore everything in the whole place. But I’m thrilled with how cozy my bedroom turned out. I went with a compleeeeeeetely different style in here than I ever have before…this is bright and cheery. Very colorful. Usually I’m all about dark wood and browns, etc. But this little cottage-type house just wasn’t going to work with that style. Lucky for me (not so lucky for my wallet), I sold everything I had when I left Boulder, so I had to start fresh. When I get the rest of my stuff moved over (i.e. the cord that attaches my camera to my computer), I’ll post some pics. You’re going to love it, I just know it! I’m hoping to be in a better situation in mid-May to buy my living room furniture.

Ooooooook. Now, back to Adam…

I talked to him today. For an hour and a half!!! I’ve been thinking about him and missing him a lot lately. It’s not been fun. At all! I’ve been thinking over and over about how I really liked who Adam was as a person, I just didn’t like his habits. I used to think I was trying to change who Adam was, and that’s how I finally convinced myself that the relationship was not meant to be, and finally move on. Whatever that means. I had decided that I wanted to be with someone who was already the way that I wanted him to be (and vice/versa)…someone who I didn’t have to change. And that’s certainly still true… but looking back, I realize that I was trying to change Adam’s habits and not who he actually was as a person. Dating other people here in Gloucester, I’ve realized that I don’t like many people (I mean guys, more or less) the way I liked Adam. I liked the way Adam thinks, I liked the way we talked, the things we talked about. I liked his ideas and ideals. He could keep my attention for hours when he started talking about something he was passionate and knowledgeable about – and he could always get me to come around to see things from his point of view, if I wasn’t there before. I had forgotten about all of this stuff until I started dating and realizing I didn’t like these guys. Ugh. I like Joe as a person. He’s a nice guy. But my GOODNESS…are we different!!! And other people I’ve dated since I’ve been here. I just haven’t really had a deep conversation with any guy that has captured me, so to speak. Or just a conversation that really made me think more about it, once it was over. Unless, of course, it was a conversation that really annoyed or bothered me.

So over the past week or so, I’ve been thinking a lot about Adam. Because of these types of thoughts – the whole: “he’s so great…blah blah blah,” I’ve been really missing Adam. I’m smart enough to realize that Adam and I had our problems and that it’s probably better off that we’re not together…but there’s a big huge BUT when I think that way. Adam no longer smokes pot. How fucked up is that? The ONE big problem Adam and I had was pot and how often he smoked and how he promised and promised and promised that he wasn’t going to smoke and he did and he lied about it. We didn’t have ONE single problem until that became an issue (other than leaving the toilet seat up types of problems)…I’m not kidding. It was what started our downhill spiral and what helped it continue until we fell totally apart. Adam is now living in Mexico (and not working – just living off the company that I worked so hard to get running smoothly back before Adam and I broke up) part-time with his pregnant girlfriend…the same girl that he was sleeping with when I was still in the picture. It makes me CRAZY! He’s got a cozy little life set up for him…and he thanks me every time we talk for making him a better person…a better boyfriend, nonetheless. Wonderful. Yes, I’m bitter. But not completely. I do find it in me to be thankful for where I am and to be thankful for all that has happened in my life (even in the incredibly hard times I went through with and after Adam) that has helped me to get here. But STILL! Ugh.

All in all, I have to say: it was an incredible talk that Adam and I had. Sure, we rehashed some old shit, but in a very civil and grown up (and pretty much moved on) way. But mostly, we just talked and talked about things. A deep conversation that just flowed and flowed and next thing I knew, it was an hour and a half later. I LOVE that about Adam. We talked about life and different theories and perspectives. We talked about society. We talked about books (Adam has also taken up reading since we broke up…something I have always enjoyed and Adam hated – just something else that I always wished we had in common when we were together) and the difference reading makes in your life, etc. We talked about how we’re currently bettering ourselves as people, and we talked about how we plan to do more in that area, etc. We talked about babies…even his. He’s oddly (I’m not sure if it bothers me, necessarily, so I’ll just leave it at odd for now) naming his son the name that he and I had specifically picked out for our son…my little brother’s (who died when we were young) name. In Adam’s defense, it is a shortened version of his late father’s name, but (again) STILL! How weird is that going to be if we eventually both have our first born son with the same name? Kinda funny, I suppose. I could let it make me cry, but I’m sort of laughing it off and shaking my head (inside). Aaaaahhh. Big sigh.

After our lengthy talk, I told Adam that I had to go. I told him that I wanted to get off the phone while I still had a smile on my face, as opposed to getting too wrapped up in my head and realizing that this conversation could actually make me miss him more. It did and it didn’t. I guess I’m just trying to be happy that I’m where I am and happy for him that he’s where he is and that he’s doing so well. Sure…I wish he was doing the things he’s doing now when we were together, and I wish that (in some ways) it was us doing the things that he is doing with her, but as my dad always says: “It is what it is, my dear.” And it is. Now that it’s 11pm, and I want to get on a schedule right away (being that it’s my first night in my new place), I’m going to go to bed. Good night and good luck. I have no idea why I said that, but it reminded me of something Adam said earlier… Adam told me to rent Good Luck Chuck. He said that he thinks I am Chuck in a way. He said he thought of me when he saw the movie…great. I have a feeling I’m not going to be thrilled when I rent it and realize that this is what he thinks of me, but that’s ok. He was trying to come from a good place when he said it, so we’ll see. Just going by the conversation we were having at the time, it must be along the lines of Chuck being the boyfriend that comes right before every girl’s husband. That’s me, to a point. I feel like I’m usually the ex-girlfriend that is really liked by her ex-boyfriends…then they seem to end up with the next girlfriend that they have. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way…there are at least a few songs about being the girlfriend who “got him ready for you…” Ok – I’m getting side-tracked and rambling. Goodnight, friends. Here’s to a good night’s sleep in my new house, in my new bedroom, on my new mattress! I hope it’s as comfortable as I’m thinking it is. Another big sigh.

Oh! My friend, Dom Nicastro, posted this on his blog and I wanted to share it with you. I like the message in it. It’s something I’ve often thought of, in some way or another, but he actually put it down on paper. Here it is:



Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Question yourself
Leonardo DiCaprio’s character in The Departed, Billy Costigan, strikes a heavy chord with one of his early lines in this exchange:
Uncle Ed: Are you trying to prove something to the family (by becoming a policeman)?
Billy Costigan: When you say "the family," who do mean exactly? You?
Uncle Ed: You always have to question everything, don’t you?
Billy Costigan: Maybe it would have done you some good to have some "questions" from time to time, you know? "Am I an asshole? Are my kids a mess? Is my wife a money-grubbing whore?" I mean, those are questions, right? "Have I ever been good to my dying sister or am I just now pretending to be?"
Uncle Ed: Do you need some money for the funeral?
Funny isn’t it?
I think we all have a little Uncle Ed in us. We question each other all the time. Why are they doing this? Why are they doing that?
What we don’t do enough is question ourselves. Billy Costigan knows his snobby, arrogant uncle. And he knows he’s the kind of guy who does a pretty good job of looking around him while never quite getting a good glance at the guy in the mirror.
We all need to do more of that – look in the mirror and question ourselves. I try to ask myself questions every day: Am I being a good fiancé? Am I being a good father figure? Do I make my family proud? Do I make my fiancé smile? Do I teach my son the right lessons? Am I fulfilling my duties as a good friend?
So do me a favor tomorrow -- question yourself. Am I loyal to the mother of my child? Do I truly know the people I presumptuously judge? Do I go to the source, or rely on public perception? Do I know the definition of a true friend? Have I truly lived and experienced the world beyond my comfort zone?
So tomorrow, stop questioning the people around you. And start asking some questions to the figure in the mirror. He could probably use a few.

Oh...and by the way?

Maybe two days after my big: "Life is good," post, I had a total meltdown. When my brother and I were texting about how exciting it is that they're having another baby, he replied with: "Yes. Now all we're missing is the beach and YOU!" The guilt. As if I hadn't already thought of how much I'm going to miss being around this baby. And then on top of that, I JUST found a great job...but then I got a text of a seemingly WONDERFUL job which would place me in Boulder, Maui, Aspen and some other fabulous place...jet setting all over the world with a very rich (and down to earth, nice) family and their newborn. Ugh - I was questioning everything that I had felt so sure about just days earlier. It was awful! But I called my best friend in Rhode Island and she talked me down from the ledge, so to speak. Then, LUCKILY(!), I had acupuncture that very evening. *He* (wonder of all wonders, as a man) fixed my head. I'm totally serious - if you don't have an acupuncturist...find one. Amazing. But THEN I managed to have such a GREAT weekend, reminding me (once more) of why I'm staying here and why I love it so much. It was one of my greatest friends' little boy's 1st bday... It was SO great to begin the tradition of all of us finally being in the same place, and sharing in the lives of our children and husbands (ok - I'm the only one who doesn't have at least ONE of the afore mentioned, but still!) and all of that good stuff that has become so important. After the bday party, all the grandma's took the kids and we (my core group of girls and their significant others) all went to dinner and out after that for drinks. It was SO much fun and just so so nice to be able to spend the time together - one of our friends didn't make it because she had to work, but I was able to pick up her daughter (also 1 yr old) and take her to the party with me, so she wouldn't miss out. Our one pregnant friend and her husband went home after dinner, but it was a great time had by all up until that point, too. I'm so glad I'm here. I really am. Now if I can just feel a little bit calmer about moving in a week with NO furniture or anything else. Man. Deep breaths. Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh. It'll all work out, I know it will.

My favorite thing to day dream about!!!

This is the back of the house - back door and yard and stuff. Cute!
















Just to show how big the yard is...








This is a picture from a spot in the yard on the side of the house. Just to show the space.


















The kitchen is SO small, but cute nonetheless. And it's at an angle that doesn't allow for good picture taking.























This is the view from the living room. It's a little piece of the yard, the storage shed, and then the ocean beyond that. I'm wondering how much ocean I'll be able to see when the trees fill in...but whatever. It's really close.

And on the inside...

Here, to the right: the bedroom.















Up above is the view from the living room toward the kitchen.






And this is what it looks like when standing in the kitchen and looking toward the living room. The small door peeking through on the right side is the bedroom. That partial wall is what separates the bedroom and living room - no bedroom ceiling, so it is definitely a one person house. Lofty feeling. Notice the high ceilings and the skylights.

Just to be clear...

...to the left of the house is the ocean. You can see it in the picture here, and the view of the ocean is much better from the back steps. The ocean is so good for my soul. I feel the difference every day that I'm here. I'm not kidding. Not even a little bit.

Yeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaa!

I feel like it should be: yeehaw, but I don't say it like that. Anyway...guess what??? I signed a 1 year lease today!!!! I'm SO excited!!!! It's not RIGHT on the water, but I can see the ocean from my back door step, and actually from the living room window also! A house! A tiny house, but still a house. And a house with a big yard and a storage shed, window boxes, planting areas. I think it's so grown up to live in a house. My first time.

Can I get a.....

I really do need to get to bed, but I just wanted to write a few quick lines...

I have officially started my new job...LOVE it! My days are supposed to be 8am-5:30pm, and at first I was really dreading the long hours (mostly because I'm not used to that!). However, last night I was praying for more time during the day and then again today, the same thing. I worked until 6:10pm last night and 7:20pm tonight! I'm loving how they appreciate me taking over everything kid related and whipping the family into shape. I feel like...I don't know...Suzie Homemaker and Super Nanny combined. Haha. I've reorganized almost every cabinet/closet in the entire house and the freezer is tomorrow. I LOVE that kind of stuff. Looking at an entire pantry that is completely organized and in such great order brings me such great pleasure and the best sense of satisfaction! Haha. Crazy, but true. And did I mention that I get paid by the hour?

Another great thing...I'm going Thursday to sign my lease at this adorable 1 bedroom cottage right on the water. I'm SO excited to have my own place again...it's been 6 months and I miss living alone...I miss my space! I have really loved being here at my aunt's house, but I also love living alone. It's been so fun to live in the chaos and always have people around, a home cooked meal (compulsively balanced, as well) every night and a glass of wine and a cup of coffee with my aunt whenever I can. But there's something that I absolutely LOVE about coming home and opening the door to my very own place. It always looks just the way I left it. I love my stuff. Which, by the way, I don't have any stuff! I sold all my furniture when I left Boulder... That's fun (to buy new stuff), but also expensive. I have less than 2 weeks before I move in...that means I MAY be sleeping on the floor and using paper plates, etc. for a little while. Oh well. I have to admit though...I'm going to be a little nervous. I've always been in apartments, so I'm not completely alone. But this time, it's a house on it's own property. Sharing with no one. Weird. I'm planning on getting a dog, for sure! A Bernese Mountain Dog is in the lead for the breed I want. I'm definitely doing my research, but I think that's what I'll end up with. Hopefully at the beginning of the summer. It's perfect, because my cousin has wanted a puppy for a while and she's not really in the position to get one...however(!), if I get a puppy, she will willingly (gladly, in fact) take care of my puppy during the day. We're going to share the puppy, so to speak. I can't decide though...is that weird? To share a puppy and not live together? Ideally, she'll have the puppy during the days of the week and I'll have the puppy every night and on the weekends. But she really wants to pitch in for the dog...but then what happens when she moves out and wants her own puppy? Will she think she can take our dog? I doubt it, but I don't know. I guess I need to talk to her about that. I mean, seriously...I doubt we'll really both be in the situation to share the dog for the next 8-14 years. Maybe though. I don't know. Ok, moving right along...

(I always type so many...., don't I?)

Next month, I'm going to Disney World with my family. My extended family, so-to-speak. Actually, they're my 2nd and 3rd cousins, but I've always considered them 1st cousins. Both of my parents are only children, so I don't have any first cousins or aunts or uncles. Weird, huh? But my mom's first cousins are like my aunts and uncles and their kids are like my first cousins...we've grown up together and are JUST like first cousins. Thank goodness. But anyway...about Disney World...I found out a couple of weeks ago that my brother, mother, NEPHEW, and sister in-law are all meeting us there, too! WOOOOOHOOOOOO! I'm SO excited! Oh - and my sister in-law is pregnant!!!!!! Yeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I'm also in the process of helping my brother find a house for he and his family to rent for two weeks over the summer...here....right on the beach! FUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!


And tonight? When I got out of work I went to the gym. My cousin's Alicia's friend was on the treadmill next to me (note: cute boy, much MUCH younger than I am). I said I was going to run as long as he did...BIG mistake. Haha. But I did it. I ran for 2.5 miles, and stayed on there for 3.3 miles. I had an extra long cool down because I wanted to watch the rest of the Biggest Loser. Haha. Appropriate. But seriously...I usually only stay on the treadmill for 2 miles, and only run for 1.5 of those 2 miles. Today I bumped it up because there was a 22 year old cutie next to me. It felt so good. Haha. Of course, me being me, I had to make a big joke about it when we finally stopped running, but still....I DID IT! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh. Life is goooooooooooooooooood.

Ok, I'm off to bed. But not until I first wash my face with my wonderous new face product line!!! I got it at North Shore Community College's beauty school. Seriously. It's GREAT! My skin is really looking much better. I was having weird breakouts and I'm THIRTY years old! COME ON! I feel so grown up washing my face with a cleansner, toner, and moisturizer that all belong to the same product line. My skin has always been to sensitive to do that...plain old sensitive skin Dove just wasn't cutting it anymore though. Whew. I've been saved and didn't have to turn to Proactive.

And to top the day off? I heard "Wide Open Spaces," by the Dixie Chicks on my way home. It just doesn't get any better than that.

Quick Update

So...I never blogged about it, but Adam got his other girlfriend pregnant back in October. That's one of the reasons I was so heart broken when I left Boulder. I'm not sure if he was cheating on me with her or cheating on her with me. No one really is, actually. Anyway, she ended up terminating the pregnancy back in November when she found out that he had still been with me. Well...I got a phone call last night and guess what? She's pregnant again...this time she's keeping the baby. Interesting, isn't it? I'm curious to see if she'll conveniently have the baby a couple of months early. Do you think maybe she never really terminated the pregnancy back in November? After all, they did move to Mexico right after he told me she was pregnant. Hmmmm.

correction

Actually - Yael Naim sings New Soul. It's Israel something or other who sings that Somewhere Over the Rainbow version.

Off the top of my head...

Here is a list of what I can remember of my new CD:

1. Up To The Mountain - Patty Griffin

2. Love Like This - Natasha Beddingfield feat. Sean Kingston

3. New Soul - not sure who the artist is, but it's the song from the Air Notebook commercial

4. Somewhere Over the Rainbow  - Israel is his first name, I think (the version from 50 First Dates) - found it:  Yael Naim

5. Breathe Me - Sia (again, forget her last name)

6. You're Gonna Miss This - Trace Adkins

7. She's Every Woman - Garth Brooks

8. Whatever It Takes - Lifehouse

9. Beautiful - Lifehouse

10. The One Who Loves You The Most - Brett Dennen

11. There Is So Much More - Brett Dennen

12. Good Friend and a Glass of Wine - Leann Rimes

13. I Bruise Easily - Natasha Beddingfield

14. Love Song - Sarah Berellis  (this was as far as I got, then I found the list in my planner)

15. I Want You - Common

16. 4 in the Morning - Gwen Stefani

17. Bring It On Home - Little Big Town

18. Sorry - Buck Cherry

19. Usher - Make Love in this Club (the 1 song that I wish I hadn't put on there...I thought I loved it when I heard it on the way home on Saturday night...not so much)

Because I am so into lyrics (more than anything els) when it comes to music, I'm going to put the words to my favorites from the list on here, too.  In case you might be interested.  It's usually the reason that I end up liking the song right away.

Breathe Me

Help, I have done it again

I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today

And, the worst part is there's no-one to blame

Be my friend 

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small

I'm needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

Ouch

I have lost myself again

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found

Yeah I think that I might break

I've lost myself and I feel unsafe

You're Gonna Miss This

She was starin out the window of their SUV

Complainin', saying I can't wait to turn 18

She said I'll make my own money

And I'll make my own rules

Momma put the car in park out there in front of the school

And she kissed her head, and said

"I was just like you"

You're gonna miss this

You're gonna want this back

You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast

These are some good times

So take a good look around

You may not know it now

But you're gonna miss this

Before she knows it she's a brand new bride

In her one bedroom apartment

And her daddy stops by

He tells her it's a nice place

She says, "It'll do for now."

Starts talkin' about babies, and buyin a house

Daddy shakes his head

And says baby just slow down

Cuz you're gonna miss this...(repeat chorus)

Five years later there's a plumber workin on the water heater

Dog's barkin', phone's rinin'

One kid's crying, one kid's screamin'

And she keeps apologizin'

He says, "They don't bother me.

I've got 2 babies of my own

One's 36, one's 23

Huh, it's hard to believe."

Repeat chorus

Up To The Mountain

I went up to the mountain

Because you asked me to

Up over the clouds

To where the sky was blue

I could see all around me

Everywhere

I could see all around me

Everywhere

Sometimes I feel like 

I've never been nothing but tired

And I'll be walking

Till the day I expire

Sometimes I lay down

No more can I do

But then I go on again

Because you ask me to

Some days I look down

Afraid I will fall

And thought the sun shines

I see nothing at all

Then I her your sweet voice, oh

Oh, come and then go, come and then go

Telling me softly

You love me so

The peaceful valley

Just over the mountain

The peaceful valley

Few come to know

I may never get there

Ever in this lifetime

But sooner or later

It's there I will go

Sooner or later

It's there I will go

New Soul

I'm a new soul, I came to this strange world hoping I could learn a bit

about how to give and take

But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear 

Finding myself making every possible mistake

La-la-la....

I'm a young soul in this very strange world hoping I could learn a bit

about what is true and fake

But why all this hate?

Try to communicate

Finding trust and love is not always easy to make

La la la....

This is a happy end, cause you don't understand everything you have done

why's everything so wrong

This is a happy end, come and give me your hand I'll take far away

(repeats from beginning)

She's Every Woman

She's sun and rain, she's fire and ice

A little crazy, but it's nice

And when she gets mad, you best leave her alone

Cause she'll rage just like a river

Then she'll beg you to forgive her

She's ever woman that I've ever known

She's so New York and then LA

And every town along the way

She's every place that I've never been

She's makin love on rainy nights

She's a stroll through Christmas lights

And she's everything I want to do again

It needs no explanation

Cause it all makes perfect sense

For when it comes down to temptation

She's on both sides of the fence

(repeat)

She's anything but typical

She's so unpredictable

Oh but even at her worst she ain't that bad

She's as real as real can be

And she's every fantasy

Lord she's every lover that I've ever had

And she's every lover that I've never had

Whatever It Takes

A strangled smile fell from your face

It kills me that I hurt you this way

The worst part is that I didn't even know

Now there's a million reasons for you to go

But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes

To turn this around

I know what's at stake

I know that I've let you down

And if you give me a chance (and give me a break in 2nd chorus run)

Believe that I can change

I'll keep us together, whatever it takes

She said, "If we're gonna make this work

You gotta let me inside even though it hurts.

Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see."

She said, "Like it or not, it's the way it's gotta be.

You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me."

repeat chorus

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt

That I'd be lost without you and never find myself

Let's hold onto each other above everything else

Start over, start over

Repeat chorus

Good Friend And A Glass Of  Wine

Who died and made me everybody's everything

I'm even bustin my butt through the weekend

By the time I get home, there's not an ounce of sanity

Between the dogs, my momma's calls

Is it against the law

For me to get what I need?

A good friend and a glass of wine

Someone to say it's gonna be alright

A good friend and a glass of wine

A little pick me up to get me through the night

We talk trash 'n we laugh and cry

That kind of therapy money can't buy

Every now and then, every now and then

Every girl needs a good friend and a glass of wine

I don't need to jet off to no vacation for a week

I'd be happy to have a happy hour

When I'm tired and I'm fried, it gets me right back on my feet

Any kind of re or white, a little sister time

It's every smart girl's dream

repeat chorus

Bring It On Home

You got someone here, wants to make it all right

Someone who loves you more than life right here

You got willing arms to hold you tight

A hand to lead you on through the night right here

I know your heart can get all tangled up inside

But don't you keep it to yourself

(chorus)

When your long day is over

And you can barely drag your feet

The weight of the world is on your shoulders

I know what you need

Bring it on home to me

You know I know you like the back of my hand

But did you know I'm gonna do all that I can right here?

I'm gonna lie with you till you fall asleep

When the morning comes, I'm still gonna be right here (yes, I am)

So take your worries and just drop them at the door

Baby leave it all behind

(chorus)

Baby let me be your safe harbor

Don't let the way come and carry you away

(chorus)

Sorry

Oh I had a lot to say

Was thinkin on my time a way

I missed you and things weren't the same

Cause everything inside, it never comes out right

And when I see you cry, it makes me wanna die

(chorus)

I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue 

I'm sorry about all the things I said to you

And I know I can't take it back

I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds

And baby the way you make my world go round

and I just wanted to say I'm sorry

This time I think I'm to blame

It's harder  to get through the days

We get older and blame turns to shame

Cause everything inside it never comes out right

And when I see you cry it makes me wanna die

(repeat chorus)

Every single day I think about how we came all this way

The sleepless nights and the tears you cried

It's never too late to make it right

Oh yeah sorry

(repeat chorus)

I Bruise Easily

My skin is like a map, of where my heart has been

And I can't hide the marks, but it's not a negative thing

So I let down my guard, drop my defenses, down by my clothes

I'm learning to fall, with no safety net, to cushion the blow

I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me

There's a mark you leave, like a love heart, carved on a tree

I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me

Underneath, I bruise easily, I bruise easily

I've found your fingerprints on a glass of wine

Do you know you're leaving them all over this heart of mine, too

But if I never take this leap of faith, I'll never know

So I'm learning to fall with no safety net to cushion the blow

repeat chorus

Anyone who can touch you, can hurt you or heal you

Anyone who can reach you, can love you or leave you

So be gentle 

(repeat chorus)

Beautiful

Finally here, won't stay too late

I want to feel you, I need to hear you

You are the light that's leading me to the place where I find peace

again

You are the strength, that keeps me walking

You are the hope, that keeps me trusting

You are the light, to my soul

You are my purpose, you're everything

chorus

And how can I stand here with you, and not be moved by you?

Would you tell me 'How could it be any better than this?'

yeah...

You calm the storms, you give me rest

You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall

You steal my heart, and you take my breath away

Would you take me in?  Take me deeper now

chorus 2x

Cause you're all I want

You're all I need

You're everything, everything (4x)

chorus (x3)

There Is So Much More

When I heard the news,

My heart fell on the floor

I was on a plane on my way to Baltimore

In these troubled times, it's hard enough as it is

My soul has known a better life than this

I wonder how so many can be in so much pain,

While others don't seem to feel a thing

Then I curse my whiteness

And I get so damn depressed

In a world with suffering

Why should I be so blessed?

I heard about a woman who lives in Colorado

She built a monument of salt behind the garage door

Where every day she prays for all whom are born

And all whose souls have passed on

Sometimes my trouble gets so thick

I can't see how I'm going to get through it

But then I would rather be stuck up in a tree

Then be tied to it

There is so much more

I don't feel comfortable with the way my clothes fit

I can't get used to my body's limits

I got some fancy shoes to try and giggle away these blues

They cost a lot of money but they worth a thing

I wanna free my feet from broken glass and concrete

I need to get out of this city

Lay upon the ground stare a hole in the sky

Wondering where I go when I die

When I die. 

Ok - that's all I can do.  I had to type them because for some reason the paste wasn't working.  Ha!  That took forever!  However, I learned that I was singing a few wrong words...good to know, good to know.

It's On!

Where do I even start???? Ugh. I’m SO aggravated right now, but it’s temporary. I could SCREAM!

It’s been months since I’ve written here, and to be honest, I have no desire to completely catch up. I don’t even remember where I left off. Let’s just sum it up…in-a-nutshell-style.

In October, my world in Boulder started caving in around me. Picture me in a beautiful place with this huge dark gray cloud quickly closing in on me…there I was, looking up and running scared. It was awful. Things were happening that seemed to be out of my control and I couldn’t stop them. It was my love life, my job, and my health…all taking sharp turns in the wrong direction. At that point, I was only sure of one thing: I needed to go home. I needed to be comfortable. I needed to be some place that I could regroup, recover. I needed someplace that I could lick my wounds, so to speak. I quickly got in my car and drove east...purposely landing in my hometown. It was to be a temporary stay, maybe just a couple of months. No real plan, and an inkling of an idea of what I was going to do. It was like a scene from a movie on that beautiful Colorado morning. The old cliché scene of the young woman leaving her life behind, looking in the rearview mirror. I had no idea if I’d ever be back to stay or to visit. All I knew was that I had to get out of there and fast. Hitting that interstate was bittersweet. 30 was around the corner, and I was choosing not to let anyone or anything stop my goal of turning 30 in a happy place (and by place I mean physically and emotionally).

It felt great to be home, after 12 years. It was comforting to be around my great big family (grandmother, cousins, and aunts and uncles) and all my favorite old friends – who also happen to be a few of the best people in the entire world (I’ve kept in touch with all my great friends here and love all of their kids and husbands, etc., so it’s GREAT to be able to get to know all of them better through spending more quality time together)! Almost immediately after my arrival, I got all wrapped up in a crazy whirlwind of a relationship with one of my best friend in the world’s brother – 39 year old recently separated, father of 3. Sounds awful and dangerous, but to be honest, it was amazing. We had a great connection and undeniable chemistry. It was the fun that we had and the deep, meaningful talks that brought us close, and the world around us that tore us apart. Some say bad timing, and sometimes I agree. Some say it was his fault and he’s a bad guy, but that I will never agree with. He was going through a tough time, as was I. He just had so many more complications and his head was cloudy. I’m not making excuses for him, I honestly believe it. Even though my heart broke a little when I learned his truth, I still think the world of him. He’s a great dad and a great guy…just a little mixed up when it comes to his heart and love. Anyone in his situation would be. Regardless of the different opinions that people have about what we had and how we had it (and believe me, people have opinions about this…strong opinions), I think it’s fair to say that we both loved every minute of it, but we should’ve made some better decisions through it all. Moving right along…

The day after – literally – we broke up, I began dating an old friend (more like an acquaintance) from high school. I thought (along with everyone else in this whole damn town) that he was the perfect catch. Infectious laughter and smile, a little old fashioned, great family, good career and lots of friends. Although I wasn’t sure about the romantic connection and chemistry, I decided: “What the heck…at least I know he’s a good guy.” Dumb. Whatever…we all know that I can be dumb when it comes to love choices. Desperate to be in a normal relationship (whatever that means), desperate to find the one, hating being 30 without the love of my life next to me. What can I say other than: DUMB. But I live and learn a little more each time. I’m making no promises to be smarter in love. That would fall in line with being dumb again.

Needless to say, this relationship has also ended. There was certainly no heart ache involved in this break up – thank GOD! Seriously. Hallelujah. This kind of break up is smoooooooooth sailing for me. I joke that I’m an old pro at breaking up, and that I just struggle with the staying together part. It’s funny and we all laugh when I say that, but it’s not really true. I’m usually in quite long relationships, and broken hearts are never easy for me. But this? Piece of cake. And it’s one of those break ups that I know won’t get harder…not much has changed in my life since we broke up and we weren’t dating long enough, nor did we spend enough time together, for him to be part of my life and routine that I will miss. Whew.

Ok, now that we have my love life out of the way, let’s get to the good stuff!

I’m LOVING LIFE right now. I have been for some time, actually. Since my arrival on October 7^th, I have been to acupuncture pretty close to once a week. It’s the best thing I’ve done for myself in a long long time. My acupuncturist is also one of my brother’s closest childhood friends. I’ve known him since I was in middle school, if not longer. He’s different from anyone I’ve ever known in my life. He knows more about me than I know about myself and he has helped me so much. Going to see him is like going to an amazing day spa and having an intense psychiatric evaluation/therapy session at the same time. I come out feeling like a noodle physically (that zombie-ish feeling that you have when you come out of a great massage), and my mind is at ease as well. Those are two feelings that I adore. Because I do it so often and so consistently, I hardly have time to get all wound up inside and out and I walk around pretty darn balanced. More balanced than I knew I needed to be, actually.

I also work out regularly. My aunt, who has become one of my closest friends since I got here, and I are on a pretty strict workout schedule and she makes me get my ass there, and I make her push harder once we get there. We’re a good team. We’ve come a long way together since we started going 2 months ago. I can’t say I’ve dropped dramatic amounts of weight, but I feel worlds better and I know it does this body good.

Another thing that I’m absolutely loving about being back here, is that I have a new found love for my grandmother. She pretty much raised me and we were always incredibly close, up until I moved away 12 years ago. I could never figure out why or really put my finger on it, but I just felt like she didn’t like me or something. I was determined when I got here, to get to the bottom of it and put an end to it. It took a good couple of months, but I kept at it and it has really paid off. Now I get to be that typical grown granddaughter that takes her grandmother to her appts out of town and shopping when she needs to. It’s great. We have been laughing and having such a good time together…a lot like old times. It means a lot to both of us and this alone has made the trip home worth it.

I’ve been bouncing around, babysitting part-time for different families since October. Not really sure what I wanted to do (as far as where I wanted to live and what I wanted to do for work), I didn’t want to commit to anything. I decided about a month ago that I was definitely staying and that I wanted to stick with nannying. I decided that I was going to make a career out of it, and that’s what I’ve done. I found the perfect fit for a job and I really feel like things are all falling into place. It’s a good feeling. I’m just starting to make some money, so now I can start chipping away at the debt I’ve created since I started bumming around here 6 months ago. Luckily, my aunt and uncle have a hostile-style home (unofficially) and they have let me stay here and chip in (or not) whatever I can when I have some extra cash for food and such. It’s been a lot like the idea I had in my head of people living with their parents well past high school…I didn’t really have the typical home life, so I had no idea what it was like to be an adult and sit down (in someone else’s home) to a well balanced meal (compulsive starch, protein and veggie) every night and the whole “mi casa es su casa” mentality. It’s so warm and comforting here. The more the merrier, all the way around. I love it! It has been the perfect place to be, I must say. I also have my cousin here, and now I think I almost know what it’s like to have a sister. I’m not sure if she’d agree, but I say: FUN, FUN, FUN! We got to skip all the high school years together and the “I hate you” stages of life. I’m sure I drive her nuts, because I steal all her clothes and make up. Her favorite snacks have now become my favorite snacks, which means she has a harder time finding them when she wants them, but she swears she doesn’t mind. Also, her favorite friends have become my favorite friends. Haha. She’s 8 years younger than I am and some people who know me through her have referred to me as her “aunt,” but I refuse to let that make me feel old. Haha. It gives us all a good laugh, and there’s nothing wrong with that. She’s so much like me and so different than I am (in the ways that I wish I could be, mostly) that I can’t help but love her the most. She’s sweet under her bitchy way, and calls me on my shit. I always need one of those in my life, or I might get a little carried away. Who me? Yep. Me.

Another fun part of my life is apartment/house hunting! I love this step in getting settled. The money aspect of it all worries me right now, but that’ll get easier as my pay seems more regular. I’ve not had a full work week’s pay yet, so I’m still a little anxious about that all. Well…as anxious as one can get when attending The Well (my acupuncturist’s office) once a week!

Just a little added excitement for today: My cousin helped me make the BEST mixed CD today! 18 songs that I’ve written down in my planner for the past month. I’ve been consistently grabbing my planner from my bag every time I hear a song that I like. I quickly jot down who I think it sounds like and some of the lyrics and then go home and find the artist and song. Some of the songs have become somewhat popular since I started the list, but to be honest I’ve only heard most of them two or three times. I love that. Knowing that I love a song but not really sure what made me love it in the first place. I am listening to it right now and I am SO excited to learn every word of each of these 18 songs and wear them all out in the car this week!!!! Woohoooooo! Life is good.

I feel SO much better than I did when I started typing this. Blogging is such a better stress relief than a cigarette. It’s good to be back!

Can I handle being (best) friends with his mom?

Hmmm...that is the question of the day, for sure. I was thinking yes, and I'm still thinking yes. But here's what happened today that is going to make it tough.

Well, first, let me just say that I absolutely love my friendship with Adam's mom. Love it. Most of the time, almost ALL of the time, it's completely separate from Adam. We have coffee, almost every day, with Wesley. We are day time friends, mostly. Sometimes we'll grab dinner, but usually coffee and/or lunch. We go for walks, we chat on the phone. We're totally girlfriends. We talk every day. She's great. I love her to pieces! But...

Every once in a while, she slips up. She is, after all, always going to be my ex-boyfriend's mother first. The good thing is, she's always the first one to tell me (or fess up, so to speak) when something happens that she knows might upset me, having to do with crossing lines with Adam or something like that. It's only happened a few times and nothing major. One time I got mad at her and didn't talk to her for 3 days. But for the most part, it's been great. She's been great. A great friend. A much needed friend, at times, too.

I had dinner with her last night. We talked of my move. I didn't say not to tell Adam, it was a given. I thought. So she calls me tonight:
"I'm so sorry, but I told Adam you're moving."
FUCKKKKKKKKKK! WHYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!? "I don't know why, it was so stupid, I'm so sorry." But honestly, I'm not really mad. It just gives me one MORE reason to be in any kind of communication with Adam. Of course, I want to know his reaction, what he said, what she said, blah blah blah. Holy can of worms.

Now the trouble is this: I will use ANY old excuse to text or call Adam. Any. So, in typical Nissa fashion, I text Adam about an hour later. Oh, wait. His response to Carole telling him the news was: "He gasped. He said OMG, should I call her? What should I do?" That was Carole telling me this. Ok, the text:
N: "I don't want to hear a word from you about my moving. She shouldn't have told you, but she did and that's that. Leave it alone."
And then immediately following:
N: "I'm not moving because of you, I stayed because of you and now I'm leaving. It was my plan before I met you, remember?"
Notice the open ended text, people. Ick. That's me and how I am with Adam. Reaching. Pathetic. His response, almost immediately:
A: "I hope you're alright. I think it's very brave of you. I'm sorry."

What? No: DON'T GO! COME BACK! I'LL CHANGE! I'LL BE BETTER!?!?!? Really? That's it? Am I surprised? No.

So, I explained all of this to Carole and told her all of this. I told her that this is what will keep me from being close friends with her. This entire scenario, which mostly boils down to my lack of self control, will be the death of our friendship. I realize it's mostly my lack of self control. I know it's there and so I can't be exposed to these types of situations just yet. Period.

Quick update

Helloooooooo - I don't really have too much to say, but....well, that's a lie. I have a ton to say, but I don't want to. Not yet. However, I DO want to give you a little update as to the whereabouts my love life is at the moment, etc.

So Chris and I? We ended that Friday night - the night in which I posted and promised to be single by the next night (which would've been Saturday night). He hasn't been calling or texting or emailing or anything. Well, he DID email me on Sunday night with some apologies, etc. for all of his drinking and his feeling responsible for the relationship going awry so quickly. I accepted his apology and told him not to beat himself up over it because I have my own issues that added fuel to the fire, etc. Then I got a IM thanking me for pointing out his drinking problem to him and that he was getting the help he needed, etc. and that our relationship served as a godsend type thing, so that he could take care of it before it got too bad. I thought the email was nice, and appreciated. Ok, buh bye. I think that was the last I'll hear from him. He served a purpose for me, as well - confidence booster. Thank you, Chris.

However, I should never have let Adam back in my after that confidence boost. He has such a way of making me feel fat, ugly and rotten from the inside out. Why did I let him back in, even if not fully? I spent much of a couple of nights this week in tears...over Adam...again. WHY do I give him so much power? Ick. Anyway, I've come to my senses, started back at therapy and started reading Eat Love Pray (LOVING it!), along with checking in on It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken from time to time.

On another note, I'm totally hating my job. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the baby. Love. But I don't like his mother and it's taking it's toll. So, today folks, I gave my landlords my notice that I'll be moving out by the end of October. I'm moving, friends. Not sure where, but I'm moving. Out of state. I'm going to take advantage of the fact that people are paying people like me good money to take care of their children in areas other than Boulder, CO. I'm really excited, really nervous and (did I mention) really excited!

Also, I saw Jonny Lang last night! I had 2 tickets, and when I bought them, Chris was going to go with me. But I bought them and I really wanted to go. I had NO idea who to take. None. I don't really have any friends here that like to see music shows unless they know them and know they like that particular artist/band. I used to drag Brendan (although I didn't ever have to drag him - he was always more than willing) to shows a lot when he lived here, Alex was always up for a good show when she lived here and so was Brooke before she moved to Colombia. Ugh. I thought about taking my mom - she's into good music. But then I was so torn because so is my stepfather. Ugh. I even pondered giving them both the tickets and forfeitting the show all together so that they could go together. Then it hit me! It's general admission and not sold out...so I called my mom and they just bought one more ticket and the 3 of us went. It was perfect! And the show??? UNBELIEVABLE! This little white guy (26 years old) came out on stage and rocked the socks of the entire crowd for 2 and a half hours! He'd speak to the audience, between songs, in this tiny little sweet voice and then once he started playing music it was like it took over his entire being and controlled him - this AMAZING, soulful, deep yet high at times, voice BELTED out and his guitar playing skills were phenomenal! If ever you have the chance, check him out! SO worth it. SO!

Hmmmm...what else? I have this horse clinic on Sunday with Belle. I'm excited - it's about learning trust and conquering fears, etc. using your horse and their intuition and senses, etc. I'm not super clear on how it will work (obviously by my explanation), but I'll let you know next week. Belle has been an absolute angel for the past week, so I'm not sure what issues she and I will work on with the "horse whisperer." I've been riding her bareback, with just a halter, even out in the pasture with the other horses, as sort of a test to see if I could control her. She passed with flying colors! It wasn't too long ago that I couldn't even control her with a big huge saddle and a big ole steel bit in her mouth! My my my, how consistent and hard work pays off! Go Belle! Go Nissa, actually. I worked so hard with her for the past 7 months and she's really responded well! Wheeeeeeeeeee! Just in time for me to leave her! Ugh. Belle, I will mis terribly!! And the riding, it's good for my soul. I'll miss that. Geez, I hadn't thought of that. Well there have to be horses wherever it is I'm going, right?

I guess I had more to say than I thought. That's always fun.

Patience, My Dear, Patience

Well, that's not working for me. I can't just keep writing for an hour every night until I catch you all up. I'm going to give you some high lights to get you caught up so I can start blogging my current situation. I hate catch up. Oooooooooook. Here goes...

This is basically how the last few weeks have gone:

Chris is great. He showers me with affection, compliments, great sex, all the time I could ever ask for, etc. He's absolutely wonderful....most of the time. And then things like this happen: Last Friday night, I went out with some girlfriends and Chris met us out (big no no and Lynette was PISSED! - she claims she didn't like him from day one....bad vibe. I kinda don't believe that because she was SO gung ho about him for the first couple of weeks. Whatever.). Now Lynette and Chris have not liked each other for a while now, and they are both very open about it. To me. Ugh. I hate knowing that and then them both being fake to each other when they're around each other. It's uncomfortable for only me because neither of them know the other one doesn't like them. Ok. So Friday night. They're doing their usual nicey nice act and so I leave them for TWO minutes. TWO! I come back and they're SCREAMING at each other - fuck you! no, fuck you! you fucking bitch! i've never fucking liked you and i'm so sick of pretending i do just for nissa! Oh, nice, kids. Real nice. Ugh. So I take Chris by the arm and drag him out of Round Midnight - now keep in mind, this place is closed and I'm friends with most of the people that work there and they're all witnessing this. So not something I want to be happening with my "boyfriend" at 29 years old at a bar I've been frequenting since I turned 21. Ick! Oh - and this was all AFTER he got in a fight on the dance floor with someone who spilled and bumped me. Ew. Bar fights - they're regular thing with him. Funnnn. So back to Lynette and Chris... Apparently, when I left them to go into the back room at Round Midnight, Chris asked Lynette if I was doing coke in there. She FLIPPED. She claims that if he knew me at all he would (and he claims to love me - and she's heard him say so!) KNOW I would never touch that stuff. Well in his defense, he doesn't know me. I haven't let him know me on that level. It's a weird thing.

In my past relationships, I've been an open book. I'm always too quick to open up and I get just as wrapped up in the whole thing as Chris is and has been since day one. This relationship? Not so much. I seriously don't give a shit about what happens. I was not the least bit offended that Chris thought (and was really pushy in asking Lynette, apparently, over and over) I might do cocaine. I seriously don't care. And to be honest, I seriously didn't really care that those two got in a fight. Chris thinks I'm a very stand offish person. He thinks I've been so hurt that I have thick walls up that he has to break down. Last night before bed he said: "Baby, I know you've been hurt and you're scared. I'm not ever going to hurt you." WHAT WHAT WHAT?!?!? It was all I could do not to chuckle. And furthermore, I don't care about much when it comes to him. I can go a whole week without seeing him and still have other things I want to get done before I make the hour long drive to his house (including laundry!). If he doesn't call me all day (like today), I really don't care. And the thing is, I know he's only not calling because he's trying to wait to see if I'll call him. He's trying to prove a point. The other morning, we had an entire day planned and when we woke up his phone was ringing off the hook - I asked him who it was (thinking it was his parents, to be honest) and he wouldn't tell me. He was trying to pretend it was something worth being jealous over. Duh. So I said - "Are you sure you don't want to tell me?" And when he said yes, I said: "Well, then I guess it's time for you to leave." Chris: "Really?" Yep. And so he did. I kicked him out after he drove an hour to get here, just because I refuse to deal with his shit.

I've heard that you're supposed to be in a relationship (supposed to be....haha. who says?!?!?) that the other person likes you more than you like them. That ensures that you won't get too wrapped up in: "oh no! he didn't call me!" bull shit. It's kind of nice. Apathy. Not my usual thing. It's kind of nice to not care. It's kind of carefree, if you will. It feels almost healthier. I'm sure Chris wouldn't agree, but I feel that way. I get it. It's nice to not give a shit. Here's the catch to this whole not giving a shit thing:

I still get wrapped up in whether or not Adam's going to call. Haha. How fucked up is that?!?!? He has a girlfriend (Nancy) and I have Chris. But there are so many times throughout the day that I think: Well, just because he's at Burning Man all week, doesn't mean he won't go to that special camp that they have these weird phones that you have to like point directly at the sun to get a signal. He could call. He might call. Now why, people, would he call ME? Haha. He won't. But he might. So see? I give a shit. Just not about my relationship with Chris. Ugh.

Ever been to that stage of a relationship that you absolutely despise everything about that person? Like when they touch you, you get SOOOOOO creeped out that you actually HAVE to move away, even if they're going to notice? When they wake up in the morning next to you and they quietly smack their lips, just enough so you can hear it, and you want to SCREAM: "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!?" Ever cringe when someone talks baby talk to their dogs? Or worse yet, to YOU!?!? Ever wanna crack up when someone says: "I know you're not ready to meet my parents...I explained to them that you're just nervous and you'll come around..." !?!?!? Hahaha. Um, no. I'm not NERVOUS to meet your parents. I just have better things to do. I think it's because I'm ahead of my time (some say Grandma, I say mature). Either way, I think it's clear what needs to happen. So what do I say? How do I actually break up with him? What do I say? Ew. We've broken up (do we see a pattern in my behavior people?) before and then I get sucked back in. He gets REALLY upset - like his mom went to his house one night and spent the night...he was "having a hard time."

Mark my words: I will be single - yet again - by tomorrow night. Thankfully.

Oh - It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken?????? Loving it. Learning some new tricks...mostly to help me with my breakup with Adam.

Aaaahhh.....Adam. I sure do love and miss that boy. I wish he'd send his ass off to rehab and realize what the hell we could have been! That will go away. With time, right? Time being single and actually dealing with the breakup itself? Yes. It will. Ugh.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeewww. All caught up. There will be some other things worth mentioning from the past couple of months, I'm sure. I'll explain those as we go I guess.

Goodnight!

To pick right up...

Yes, Chris is drinking a lot. Hmmm...should I just ask him? Yes, I think I will....

Ok, so we're on the phone and I realize that when we talk late at night (keep in mind he lives an hour away from me, so I only see him about twice a week), he is much more open about his feelings and shares a LOT more with me than he does any other time. So I ask him: "Chris, are you drinking tonight?" No no no. Of course not. Or sometimes I would get a - Sure, I'm having a glass of wine, but no biggie. And it's true, no biggie. I have a glass of wine at home sometimes. Hardly ever, but I do do it. Oooooooook. Moving right along.

So I get back from the camping trip on Sunday, spend the night at Chris's that night and then don't see him again until Friday night. We're going to Steamboat to see Alohi early Saturday morning, so we're just going to walk from his place and grab some dinner and make it an early night. I didn't get to his house until 7pm that Friday night and he was just sort of puttin' around the house, loading the dishwasher, etc. I thought he was drinking apple juice at first...

N: "Chris, what are you drinking?"
C: "Jack and coke."
N: "Jack with MAYBE a splash of coke?"
C: *chuckles* "Yes, I guess you could say it that way. Haha."
N: "How many have you had?"
C: "I think this is my 4th or 5th. Why?"
N: *silent stare* and thinks to self: HOLY FUCK! HE'S A FULL BLOWN ALCOHOLIC!

So we quietly leave his house and I have no words. None. Am I in a relationship with another addict? Seriously? Wow. My therapist once told me that I could be in a room with 199 sober people and one addict and I'd somehow find the addict to love. WHY?!?!? Apparently because my mother (with all due respect!) was an addict and couldn't give up her addiction for me, and so I need someone (anyone, apparently!) to give up their addiction for me and I'll be able to overcome that childhood issue. Does that suck or WHAT?!??! Ok, moving right along.... So we walk to Chipotle and on the way over he brings it up:

C: "Look, Nissa. I just have a hard time sleeping and so I drink and it helps me."
N: "Um....it's 7pm and we're not anywhere near going to bed. So why are you on your 5th jack and coke already?!?!? And furthermore, didn't you just go to the doctor yesterday and find out you have SUPER high blood pressure and a possible heart condition? Didn't your doctor tell you to quit drinking?!?!?"
C: "Well, yes. Um, um, um...."
N: "Well I think you should have disclosed this info on match.com. You could've put "regularly" instead of "one or two" at least!!!!" Ok - that was dumb, but seriously! He could have! Should have!
C: "I didn't want you to know."
N: "Apparently!"

Ok, so it continued for the night. I was pretty quiet, and distant. But then we had a great weekend planned, so I (as usual) swept this under the rug, at least for the weekend. Had a ton of fun with Alohi and her husband, although LOTS of drinking was had by all. Chris even smoked pot. Joy. Didn't I just end a relationship in part because of pot? Pretty sure I did! Ok, so a BIGGGGGGGG fight ensues over the pot. After the rodeo (YES! SO FUNNNN!) in Steamboat, people started smoking pot. I don't deal well with pot. HATE IT! I tend to make a way bigger deal over pot than most, but it's my thing. HATE IT! Ok, so Chris and I sit down and I go over why I hate pot so much and he says: "Geez, I had no idea (People? I've told him this before. Honestly, I have.). It's not that big of a deal to me to smoke, so I just simply won't do it." Wow. Really? Ok, cool. And then he proceeds to get even more wasted. Ugh. We get back to Alohi and Eric's and he gets pissy because I want to go to bed. It's only midnight, but we started drinking at 5pm! I need to go to bed! Stay up if you want, Chris! Really? Yes! Fine!

Within 5 minutes I hear the bubbling bong.
N: "Chris?"
C: "Yes?"
N: "Are you smoking pot?"
C: "Yes."

OMG! WHAT!?!?!?! So I just go to bed. Wow. Ok. What happened to that big heart to heart about pot and it not meaning anything to him so he was going to quit? That was just an hour ago. So we wake up the next morning and I decide to cuddle up and not be mad. Because that's what I do. That's why I wake up a year into a relationship and say to myself: HOW COULD YOU NOT HAVE KNOWN THIS WOULD HAPPEN!?!??! Wait. Is he giving ME the cold shoulder? Yep.

N: "Are you mad at me?"
C: "I'm not happy with you."
N: "OMG! Are you fucking serious!??!" I lost it, folks. This guy is a trip! He's always mad at me for shit that he does! Always!

So we argue for like 10 minutes finally ending with:
N: "Fuck this! Let's break up!"
C: "At least we're on the same page!"
N: "Good."
C: "Good."

We drive awkwardly back from Steamboat. Silence. Ew. We stop in Silverthorne, do a little shopping (silently) and then Chris looks at me before we get in the car...
C: "Look, Nissa. I love you (WHAT?!?!?), and I don't want to break up. I'm sorry that I smoked last night. I was just mad that you were going to bed and...."
N: "Mad that I was going to bed, so you disregarded a promise you made an hour earlier that meant A LOT to me?"
C: "I know, it was stupid. I'm sorry."

Can people please stop doing things that they need to apologize for? I hate the word sorry! Just don't do things you need to apologize for! We go in circles and somehow he wins. I'm not feeling pumped on staying together and he knows it, but he's hopeful that I'll come around, as he puts it. I just couldn't stand my ground any longer. He was staring me in the face, begging me to give it another try. Begging. Apologizing. Professing his love. Ugh. WEAK! And it's not like it was with Adam. I couldn't let that end because of how much I LOVED and adored Adam. This was just uncomfortable and I couldn't escape it. I was in Silverthorne about to drive 2 more hours to his house alone, with just him. UGH UGH UGH.

Sorry. Bedtime. I'll keep writing tomorrow. I just want to be caught up to today because there are STILL things that will be added to this going on now! Hahaha. It's lightened up some on my part, but it's still dramatic. And Adam. There will be Adam stories before you get all caught up, too. I love Adam stories. They're so much more fun than these stories. Ok, goodnight.

And yes, I saw the red flag. I think it was a flare being thrown at me, actually. I saw it. I didn't ignore it. I couldn't. Really.

In a Nutshell

Where do I even begin???? It's been a whole month since I've blogged. So much has happened. Ok. Hmmmm. Ok. Let me just start by saying that tonight I started reading: "It's Called a Breakup Becuase It's Broken. Ugh. Actually, no. I shouldn't say "ugh." I'm fine. I'm feeling pretty high spirited, actually, considering this mess I've gotten myself into.

So really quickly, Chris was absolutely wonderful at first. Perfect. He consistently adored me and showered me with compliments and affection, which was all pretty new to me. It was great. Fabulous, in fact. And I was really attracted to him from day one. Amazing sex, too. Amazing. Best ever, maybe. I was picking up on some red flag type things right away, but thought that I was looking too hard for a problem, so I let them all slide. Girls? We all know not to do this, ever, right? Yes, we do. Anyway, on another note it was a little weird that he knew Adam, and it was even weirder the first time we ran into Adam, but that ended up to be fine. They were excited to see each other and exchanged hugs and chatted it up for a while and exchanged nice words about what a great gal I am, etc. It was fine. The thing that totally sucked about bumping into Adam when I was with Chris was that I would look at Adam and think: he's so cute! and geez, I really miss him and oh - he's so fun! And everyone else would rag on Adam when he would walk away, I guess because they thought that's what I needed to hear. In actuality, that was offending me. I wanted to stick up for him, but Chris would be suspicious if I did that, so I never did.

So two weeks after I got home from my trip to Massachusetts, which was also 2 weeks after Chris and I got more serious, there was a big camping trip for a friend's bday and Adam was going to be there. This meant Chris couldn't go. Adam and I had a little agreement that we wouldn't bring our "dates" to any mutual friends' get togethers for at least a month, and we both were respecting that. The month ended up to be over just after this camping trip. At first I wasn't even going to go because I didn't want it to be too weird with Chris, but then when I saw Adam out and Chris went to the bathroom, Adam whispered to me: "I'm excited to have time with you next weekend, I think we could use it." That's when I decided that I really did want to go, even if Chris was going to be mad. I started to get all rebellious about it, actually. Like - fuck that! He can't tell me what to do! So that helped push me into going. Other than that, Lynette (it was her husbands bday camping trip) would have never forgiven me if I bailed on it. So camping I go. It was such a funnnnnnnnnn weekend. We were in the middle of nowhere, no cell service, no stores, no electricity, no bathrooms. Nothing. It was awesome. I'm not sure I've ever really roughed it like that. It's no Pine Acres, if ya know what I mean. So anyway, great (!) weekend. Perfect. The first night Adam, Ryan (another guy friend), and I sat by the camp fire til 3am just chatting and laughing and having a good ole time. Everyone else (there were 10 of us total) went to bed hours earlier. When it was time for bed, it got awkward for a minute because I wasn't thrilled about sleeping alone in my tent in the wilderness, but it passed (due to consumed alcohol, I'm assuming) quickly. The next morning I was the first one up, just the way I like it, and I snuck quietly out of my tent, cleaned up the mess from the night before and sat by the fire (not lit) and read my book as people slowly started poking their heads out of their tents. We all got up and cooked a big breakfast and then we went white water rafting (more like floating) for 7 hours. Such a beautiful area, such a delightful day. Seriously. Adam and I were on the same boat, and we just had such a nice time. Mostly quiet. The whole boat, just taking in the beauty around us. We saw hawks, beavers, and all kinds of spectacular and breath taking views. Then we did the same thing that night, all crowded around the camp fire, Myles playing his guitar and all of us singing, only this time I was the first one to go to bed. Adam snuck down to my tent and sat right outside my unzipped door and we talked. I cried. It wasn't really dramatic or anything, but we just talked about lots of stuff. Mostly how strange it was to be there, camping with our friends, and getting along so well and having such a wonderful time and then realizing that we're totally broken up. Even with other people, both of us. A sad realization when you're in that situation. Like I said, it wasn't dramatic and it didn't turn into any big thing. It was a nice talk. Then he left and went back up to the fire with everyone else (or so I thought) and I went to sleep - not too sad either. I was again, the first to rise and then Adam got up, too and told me that he went to sleep when he left my tent. I was surprised. He is usually the party guy and sleeps the latest. It was seriously like 7am. I wanted to "bathe" in the Colorado River - I was SO dirty! I needed help though - the current was too strong to walk in with all my soap, etc., so Adam came with me. I should note that I kept my swimsuit on the whole time, but it was just so nice. So peaceful. No one but the birds up. We all floated down the river for 5 hours on Sunday and had, yet another, glorious day. It was such a nice weekend. People were making jokes though, I might add, that we got along (Adam and I) better that weekend than the rest of the couples we were with....kinda funny, only not.

Ok, Sunday night. I'm not even super excited to see Chris. Obviously. But because it was such a big deal that I was going on this trip with my ex boyfriend, blah blah blah, I had already promised Chris I would stay at his house the night I got back. Luckily, as soon as I saw him, and as soon as he was SOOOOOOOOO happy to have me back I was fine. I exhaled and all was well. Well, not all (I was still thinking a lot of Adam, but I knew I was doing the right thing. I felt like I was anyway.), but mostly. Ok, so here we are....Chris and Nissa. Hmmm....Is Chris drinking? A lot? Every night? Weird.

Ok, that's the cliff hanger for tonight. I have to go to bed! But I promise to write tomorrow during Wesley's nap! Promise! I brought my laptop, especially for you! (not proof reading, ps)

Ooops. Out of order...

If you want to go way back and read half of the updated version of what happened when I got back from Massachusetts and went to Chris's house, read the blog entitled "The reality of it is." It's incomplete and I'm so not going to go back over those details, but you might want to read it anyway. It got inserted into the slot after the picture of Chris on the surfboard. It apparently puts them in my by date, even if it was a draft for over a month. Oooooooooook. Now I'm going to get going on the latest updates.

Ladies and gentleman: Chris!

The reality of it is...

(ok - now i wrote this blog a month ago. seriously. but it was saved as a draft b/c it wasn't finished. i'm going to post it now and try to catch you up without typing 30 pages. read below to see how chris and i were off to such a good start!)

I was pretty close. Really close, in fact. Here is what actually happened:

(Maybe I should make this blog private!??!?! Chris might not be thrilled if he knew all our business was out there for the public to read! He won't know though. I tried to find the blog through google with some key words and I couldn't, so that's good.)

Ok...my flight lands. My dad actually picks me up, not my brother or mother. Off to a rough start? Nah. Ok...

I get dropped off at my mom's and she immediately says: "Did you eat ANYTHING there!?!? You're starving yourself!" Thanks, Mom. It's a little dramatic, but a compliment in her own way. I got busy on my laundry (darks - I really wanted that one particular pair of jeans and that one specific nightie!) and then chatted with Chris about our evening plans. He wanted to cook me dinner....hmmm....ok. What was I going to say? No? It was dinner time. I had to. Ugh. "Turkey tacos ok?" Sure. Ok, I'll just eat one and it won't do any damage. NO BEANS! PLEASE! I called all the Blockbusters between my mom's and his house and NONE of them had Entourage, Season 1. Ugh. I texted Chris this information and he said: "That's ok, I was just planning on buying it. I have to go to Target and get a dvd player anyway. Should I wait for you and we can go together?" Sure. Uh oh...it's getting late. It's already 5pm and I haven't even showered yet! Haven't even plucked yet! Oh no! The panic sets in...oh no! Panic = sweatty Betty! Shit! I just remembered I ran out of deodorant this morning at my grandmother's house before the airport! Please...no sweating! Ok...breathe. Switch your laundry and you MUST start primping for the big night! (By the way, this is all my voice in my head coaching me. I do it all the time. I talk myself in and out of things by the minute.) What if the night's a flop?!?!? DON'T think that way, Missy! Ok...laundry's switched....to the shower I go. My mom is totally going to wonder what is up with me. Mom - tweezers?!!? Yes. Thank GOD! "Don't make yourself bleed, Nissa. He won't think that's pretty." Haha - does she really know me that well? Ok - I did it all - plucked, shaved, crest white strips, all of it. Still no deodorant and oddly, my mom doesn't wear any. She tried to pawn my stepdad's off on me. No thanks. I'd rather not smell like a man tonight of all nights. I was going to wear my black tank top with my favorite jeans, but he's seen that outfit before (it's my uniform). Then it hit me...I have my cute little peasant like top that is white with pink and blue flowers...he'll like that. He compliments me on my clothes sometimes and this is more his speed than my black tank top, I think. Ok, clothes aren't quite dry...blow dry hair. Yes! I like my hair SO much better in the dry climate - Colorado gives me great hair! I picked my face a little too much at the beginning of my primping session, so I need a little more make up than I had hoped but whatever. My idea of a lot of make up is WAY less than most I know and hang out with, so I'm still ok. So far so good. Clothes are dry, mom LOVES the outfit and I'm on my way.... 7:30pm. Oops. A little late. I call him and tell him I'm on my way and he starts dinner. I'm getting butterflies! So exciting!!!! The a/c is ON! Please please don't sweat before I stop at the store and get deodorant (sensitive skin special deodorant, of course! ugh!). First Safeway, coming up. Right on the way...CLOSED! DAMN IT! Ok, there's one right across the street from Chris's house. Ok. A/c will do the trick til then. I called him from Safeway. He's so sweet: "I'm really excited to see you, Nissa." Aw. I just play it cool. Haha. I'm DYING over here!

Feels like forever!

I have SO much to tell you....not about my week long trip though! Hahaha. I just want to blog about Chris today. This is so weird. This is kind of a private entry, but I'm going to do it anyway. Be warned...it might be too much information. So yesterday, I flew back to Denver from Boston. On my first leg, I was really wishing I had either my laptop or a pen and paper. I had things on my mind and needed to get them out. During my layover (my 5 minute layover that I had to RUN through the airport to catch the plane) I spotted a bookstore and ran in and grabbed a blank notebook for $2.99! SCORE! As soon as I sat down I started writing....

I'm on my way back to Denver from 7 days away. A much needed 7 days away. It's such a weird time to go back though... My job fiasco, the whole Chris situation... It's all a little crazy in my life right now. Do I even have a job? If I do, do I even want that job? If not, what do I want to do? Nanny again? Move? Go back to school? Ugh! Decisions!

And what about Chris?!?!?! What is going on with him!?!?! What do I want to be going on with him? Is he as great as I think he is? Am I as great as he thinks I am? Well I guess only time will tell. Tonight will be a good little test. As long as I can remain comfortable with him, I think it will be fine. But what if my self conscious side comes out? Oh my god! It's SO going to ! Do I just come out and tell him?!? Do I just say: "Look! I love everything about myself but my naked body!?!?!?" Probably not, huh? He is going to be totally turned off by my discomfort tonight, I know it. He's going to want me to 100% naked and if it's not dark, it's simply NOT happening. The thing is, if I could just be honest and tell him that keeping my nightie on would be beneficial to our whole sexual experience (oh, did I mention that I'm having sex tonight? I am.), we'd be fine. Better than fine, I'd bet. I think we're totally going to be sexually compatible. UNLESS he's going to put too much emphasis on nakedness. Ugh. The thought of it makes me cringe. I've had huge issues with this before. HUGE. It was with Adam and to be honest, I think Chris has been more attracted to me since day one than Adam ever was. Maybe that'll be helpful Well, I know it'll be helpful but maybe not quite enough. It's so annoying! Why do I have to be like this?!?!? It's not even just that I'm chubby - he knows I'm chubby and he's clearly OK with it...he's been trying to jump my bones (hahaha - that made me laugh!) since the 1st hour that I met him.

There are a whole bunch of reasons that I'm freaking out...
1 - I'm a picker. I pick every little thing that's not totally smooth on my whole entire body. Arms, legs, face, butt cheeks, chest, boobs, feet, fingers, all of it. Therefore, there could be red marks anywhere. I pick til I bleed. Daily.
2 - There are 2 spots that would totally gross anyone out if in the right/wrong position. Inner thighs and stomach. Ew.

I could just wear my tine and cute little nightie and avoid all of the discomfort. It's lacey, sweet and tiny - short w/tiny spaghetti straps. Innocent with a touch of sexy - perfect. But I know he's going to want it off. Ugh! FUCK!

Oh - 3 - doggie style??? love it - only in the dark. Ever. With anyone. Who wants their butt(ok, brace yourself)hole up in anyone's plain sight? Not me! Skinny or chubby, no thanks! No! Never! Unless, of course, the lights are out. Not pitch black, but close.
4 - And Chris is so going to be the guy who will watch my face to make sure I'm enjoying it. Can be awkward, can be smooth and just fine. Hahaha. Soooo awkward though, potentially. (I'm secretly scolding myself: GROW UP!)

Pray for darkness and pray that when we have wake up sex, tomorrow, he'll be more accepting of me being in my nightie. Perfect scenario:

My flight lands, my mom or brother are there to pick me up. I go to my mom's, start my laundry (dark - favorite jeans and cute nightie!), pluck, shave, shower. Squeaky clean and mostly hairless from head to toe. Brush teeth. Moisturize from head to toe. Blow dry my hair - he loves my hair - did I mention that? *Side note: he has complimented my name, voice, hair, confidence, lips, white shirt that I wore on our first date - a lot. He's quite generous with compliments.* Apply small amount of make up. Enough to cover up redness in right brow area and gaping pores, but little enough that he thinks I don't wear much (oh - he complimented me on that already more than once, too - fyi). Write in blog while I wait for my clothes to dry. By now it's 5:30pm. I think I'll paint my toes or go for a cheap pedi on the way to his house. If he hasn't found Entourage, Season 1, I'll stop by each Blockbuster along the way. I probably won't eat because I'll be too nervous. I'll eat on the way home from the airport, that'll be enough. Keep tummy on the flatter side for 1st time sex with Chris! Oooooooook. Call him when I'm close. 7pmish. Pull into his complex and calm my nerve with a reminder that he adores me. Deep breath, deep breath. Whooooooooooooooo. Ok. I'm also meeting the dogs for the 1st time. Ugh. He's super excited for me to meet the girls...somehow he got the impression that I'm a dog lover. Hmmmm. Why? I can be friendly but do NOT sniff my crotch or lick my feet! Do girl dogs sniff crotches? Who says crotches? Ew.

Ok, he opens the door....aw, he's cuter than I remembered. Always is. He really is adorable and when I don't see him for a couple of days I forget. We hug, my arms on top - always are. That's how we fit. We kiss. And kiss a few more times. I'm thinking no tongue for a little while. Maybe though. We are great kissers together and tend to make out. A lot. But not obnoxiously in public. So far, in public, it's been quite affectionate, but we've managed to wait til the car to make out. Haha. But always, he gives off the vibe that he totally would make out anywhere, if I would. But he's respectful and a gentleman. And actually, when it comes down to it, I don't think he would slip me the tongue in public. I love that he wants to though. He stares just long enough that I know he likes me but short of being creepy. Way short of being creepy. He has a very sweet stare. More like he's interested and wants to know me. Our first (sober) kiss (we were wasted when we met and smooched!) - which I will forever consider our first kiss - was unexpected and perfect. We were in a coffee shop waiting for my latte and I turned around and it just happened. We gracefully collided right there and we both went in for the sweetest kiss at the exact same time. Met in the middle. It was the sweetest thing. How's that for a tangent? Ok....his house. I arrive.

We hug, kiss, meet Sequoia and Selawick, he finishes up doing whatever he was doing and then eventually we cozy up on the couch. I wish it was dark (outside), but it's not quite. I keep my street clothes on and we have to figure out how we fit on his couch together. It's our first time cuddling on the couch. Funnnn. I hope. He's short, but wide. An inch shorter than I am but his shoulders are broader. I had to be behind Adam or he couldn't see the tv. That sucked. I hated it. How will Chris and I put? Ew. Awkward again. Wait - didn't I just say funnn??? Ok, yes. Funnnn. But we'll figure that out. Entourage, Season 1 begins. We love it! Chris CRACKS up - I love love love his laugh! He'll probably try to curb his enthusiasm, as to not yell in my ear or thras around - his laugh is crazy. Awesome. And I'll tell him not to hold back but I'll still notice his chest inflating and he'll be trying to hold it in. Moving right along... Depending on how long Season 1 is, we either get sleepy or it ends and we (one of us) suggests bed. I suggest sleep and he suggests bed, both having the same intentions. It's dark. He wants to turn on the tv ( because he sleeps with it on - ick) and I slyly swoop in and kiss him away from the tv and say something smooth like: "We won't be watching anymore tv tonight, Hot Stuff." Just kidding. But I'll say something to get the tv to stay off. Whew. Darkness. There are lights outside his bedroom window that cast a glow into his room through the slats of his blinds, but just enough - not too much. (I took notice of this the first time I slept there - just in case)
The sex is as we both imagine it will be. Scorpio to Scorpio. Both more giving than taking. Passionate, but not crazy. Sensual, and not boring. Crazy will come, but not the first time or the second. Boring will never come. The stars and planets say so. Oh - and Chris? Not too big, but not too small. I hate both extremes and this will align with most everything else Chris has to offer. This adventure happily comes to an end and we're both sleepily smiling. I thank Chris and he tells me it was all he had hoped for and worth the wait. We sleep. At some point, because I know I will, I slip out of bed and put my mightie back on and go to the bathroom (you know you're supposed to pee after sex!). I slide back into bed, we kiss and go back to sleep. At first light one of us wakes the other one up and we have our first go at morning sex. Different than the night before, but pleasing just the same. I keep my nightie on this time and it's acceptable - this is the only iffy part. I hope it's acceptable. Some people like skin to skin - always. This time I'll totally be on top. Funnnn.

I'm really looking foward to this night/next morning being similar to this journal entry. High expectations? That's the way I roll. No, but really...this is the best case scenario. But I also think it's fairly realistic. Chris and I have been oddly connected since first meeting. He has politely asked me: "Get out of my head!" on more than one occasion. I could be right on here. All but the penis size - I'm not psychic, just intuitive.

How long our morning lasts will depend on whether or not I have a job to go to. Ugh. What a shitty snap back to reality. This will have to be dealt with asap. I'm pissed. Ok - now I've been writing since take off and we're 33 minutes from landing! How funnn! I'm SO glad I stopped in the bookstore to grab this notebook! I'll keep you posted! Sooooooooooon! I promsie!

Ok - now that was yesterday. The night occurred and I'll be honest - I wasn't too far off at all! It was awesome. I'm EXHAUSTED and have to go to bed. I'll write tomorrow with an update. I hope it wasn't too honest for you - it was me writing on paper not ever planning on putting it here so it's a little more blunt. But it's truthful, that's for sure! I'm not rereading - too tired. Sorry for errors, but I'll correct them tomorrow! I'm going to get back into leaving you with a song. Here is the lucky song of the day:

Need Your Space by Jason Vigil (this is who Chris and I went to see on our first date.)

Looking into me a different side you see and you don't mind it, you seem to like it
The crazy things I say, you turn a smile my way, and I don't mind it, in fact I like it
In fact I like it, you

Looking into you and everything you do, oh I like it, do you mind it
The way you look, your eyes, caught me by surprise, and I can't hide it, don't try to fight it
No need to fight it, no

And I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
Need your space

When you look at me I wonder what you see, does it make you happy?
Stunned by a glance, let's give us a chance 'cause you make me happy

And I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
Need your space, need your space, oh love, oh love

I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
Need your space, need your space, need your space

I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space