Well, that's not working for me. I can't just keep writing for an hour every night until I catch you all up. I'm going to give you some high lights to get you caught up so I can start blogging my current situation. I hate catch up. Oooooooooook. Here goes...
This is basically how the last few weeks have gone:
Chris is great. He showers me with affection, compliments, great sex, all the time I could ever ask for, etc. He's absolutely wonderful....most of the time. And then things like this happen: Last Friday night, I went out with some girlfriends and Chris met us out (big no no and Lynette was PISSED! - she claims she didn't like him from day one....bad vibe. I kinda don't believe that because she was SO gung ho about him for the first couple of weeks. Whatever.). Now Lynette and Chris have not liked each other for a while now, and they are both very open about it. To me. Ugh. I hate knowing that and then them both being fake to each other when they're around each other. It's uncomfortable for only me because neither of them know the other one doesn't like them. Ok. So Friday night. They're doing their usual nicey nice act and so I leave them for TWO minutes. TWO! I come back and they're SCREAMING at each other - fuck you! no, fuck you! you fucking bitch! i've never fucking liked you and i'm so sick of pretending i do just for nissa! Oh, nice, kids. Real nice. Ugh. So I take Chris by the arm and drag him out of Round Midnight - now keep in mind, this place is closed and I'm friends with most of the people that work there and they're all witnessing this. So not something I want to be happening with my "boyfriend" at 29 years old at a bar I've been frequenting since I turned 21. Ick! Oh - and this was all AFTER he got in a fight on the dance floor with someone who spilled and bumped me. Ew. Bar fights - they're regular thing with him. Funnnn. So back to Lynette and Chris... Apparently, when I left them to go into the back room at Round Midnight, Chris asked Lynette if I was doing coke in there. She FLIPPED. She claims that if he knew me at all he would (and he claims to love me - and she's heard him say so!) KNOW I would never touch that stuff. Well in his defense, he doesn't know me. I haven't let him know me on that level. It's a weird thing.
In my past relationships, I've been an open book. I'm always too quick to open up and I get just as wrapped up in the whole thing as Chris is and has been since day one. This relationship? Not so much. I seriously don't give a shit about what happens. I was not the least bit offended that Chris thought (and was really pushy in asking Lynette, apparently, over and over) I might do cocaine. I seriously don't care. And to be honest, I seriously didn't really care that those two got in a fight. Chris thinks I'm a very stand offish person. He thinks I've been so hurt that I have thick walls up that he has to break down. Last night before bed he said: "Baby, I know you've been hurt and you're scared. I'm not ever going to hurt you." WHAT WHAT WHAT?!?!? It was all I could do not to chuckle. And furthermore, I don't care about much when it comes to him. I can go a whole week without seeing him and still have other things I want to get done before I make the hour long drive to his house (including laundry!). If he doesn't call me all day (like today), I really don't care. And the thing is, I know he's only not calling because he's trying to wait to see if I'll call him. He's trying to prove a point. The other morning, we had an entire day planned and when we woke up his phone was ringing off the hook - I asked him who it was (thinking it was his parents, to be honest) and he wouldn't tell me. He was trying to pretend it was something worth being jealous over. Duh. So I said - "Are you sure you don't want to tell me?" And when he said yes, I said: "Well, then I guess it's time for you to leave." Chris: "Really?" Yep. And so he did. I kicked him out after he drove an hour to get here, just because I refuse to deal with his shit.
I've heard that you're supposed to be in a relationship (supposed to be....haha. who says?!?!?) that the other person likes you more than you like them. That ensures that you won't get too wrapped up in: "oh no! he didn't call me!" bull shit. It's kind of nice. Apathy. Not my usual thing. It's kind of nice to not care. It's kind of carefree, if you will. It feels almost healthier. I'm sure Chris wouldn't agree, but I feel that way. I get it. It's nice to not give a shit. Here's the catch to this whole not giving a shit thing:
I still get wrapped up in whether or not Adam's going to call. Haha. How fucked up is that?!?!? He has a girlfriend (Nancy) and I have Chris. But there are so many times throughout the day that I think: Well, just because he's at Burning Man all week, doesn't mean he won't go to that special camp that they have these weird phones that you have to like point directly at the sun to get a signal. He could call. He might call. Now why, people, would he call ME? Haha. He won't. But he might. So see? I give a shit. Just not about my relationship with Chris. Ugh.
Ever been to that stage of a relationship that you absolutely despise everything about that person? Like when they touch you, you get SOOOOOO creeped out that you actually HAVE to move away, even if they're going to notice? When they wake up in the morning next to you and they quietly smack their lips, just enough so you can hear it, and you want to SCREAM: "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!?" Ever cringe when someone talks baby talk to their dogs? Or worse yet, to YOU!?!? Ever wanna crack up when someone says: "I know you're not ready to meet my parents...I explained to them that you're just nervous and you'll come around..." !?!?!? Hahaha. Um, no. I'm not NERVOUS to meet your parents. I just have better things to do. I think it's because I'm ahead of my time (some say Grandma, I say mature). Either way, I think it's clear what needs to happen. So what do I say? How do I actually break up with him? What do I say? Ew. We've broken up (do we see a pattern in my behavior people?) before and then I get sucked back in. He gets REALLY upset - like his mom went to his house one night and spent the night...he was "having a hard time."
Mark my words: I will be single - yet again - by tomorrow night. Thankfully.
Oh - It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken?????? Loving it. Learning some new tricks...mostly to help me with my breakup with Adam.
Aaaahhh.....Adam. I sure do love and miss that boy. I wish he'd send his ass off to rehab and realize what the hell we could have been! That will go away. With time, right? Time being single and actually dealing with the breakup itself? Yes. It will. Ugh.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeewww. All caught up. There will be some other things worth mentioning from the past couple of months, I'm sure. I'll explain those as we go I guess.
Goodnight!
Friday, August 31, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
To pick right up...
Yes, Chris is drinking a lot. Hmmm...should I just ask him? Yes, I think I will....
Ok, so we're on the phone and I realize that when we talk late at night (keep in mind he lives an hour away from me, so I only see him about twice a week), he is much more open about his feelings and shares a LOT more with me than he does any other time. So I ask him: "Chris, are you drinking tonight?" No no no. Of course not. Or sometimes I would get a - Sure, I'm having a glass of wine, but no biggie. And it's true, no biggie. I have a glass of wine at home sometimes. Hardly ever, but I do do it. Oooooooook. Moving right along.
So I get back from the camping trip on Sunday, spend the night at Chris's that night and then don't see him again until Friday night. We're going to Steamboat to see Alohi early Saturday morning, so we're just going to walk from his place and grab some dinner and make it an early night. I didn't get to his house until 7pm that Friday night and he was just sort of puttin' around the house, loading the dishwasher, etc. I thought he was drinking apple juice at first...
N: "Chris, what are you drinking?"
C: "Jack and coke."
N: "Jack with MAYBE a splash of coke?"
C: *chuckles* "Yes, I guess you could say it that way. Haha."
N: "How many have you had?"
C: "I think this is my 4th or 5th. Why?"
N: *silent stare* and thinks to self: HOLY FUCK! HE'S A FULL BLOWN ALCOHOLIC!
So we quietly leave his house and I have no words. None. Am I in a relationship with another addict? Seriously? Wow. My therapist once told me that I could be in a room with 199 sober people and one addict and I'd somehow find the addict to love. WHY?!?!? Apparently because my mother (with all due respect!) was an addict and couldn't give up her addiction for me, and so I need someone (anyone, apparently!) to give up their addiction for me and I'll be able to overcome that childhood issue. Does that suck or WHAT?!??! Ok, moving right along.... So we walk to Chipotle and on the way over he brings it up:
C: "Look, Nissa. I just have a hard time sleeping and so I drink and it helps me."
N: "Um....it's 7pm and we're not anywhere near going to bed. So why are you on your 5th jack and coke already?!?!? And furthermore, didn't you just go to the doctor yesterday and find out you have SUPER high blood pressure and a possible heart condition? Didn't your doctor tell you to quit drinking?!?!?"
C: "Well, yes. Um, um, um...."
N: "Well I think you should have disclosed this info on match.com. You could've put "regularly" instead of "one or two" at least!!!!" Ok - that was dumb, but seriously! He could have! Should have!
C: "I didn't want you to know."
N: "Apparently!"
Ok, so it continued for the night. I was pretty quiet, and distant. But then we had a great weekend planned, so I (as usual) swept this under the rug, at least for the weekend. Had a ton of fun with Alohi and her husband, although LOTS of drinking was had by all. Chris even smoked pot. Joy. Didn't I just end a relationship in part because of pot? Pretty sure I did! Ok, so a BIGGGGGGGG fight ensues over the pot. After the rodeo (YES! SO FUNNNN!) in Steamboat, people started smoking pot. I don't deal well with pot. HATE IT! I tend to make a way bigger deal over pot than most, but it's my thing. HATE IT! Ok, so Chris and I sit down and I go over why I hate pot so much and he says: "Geez, I had no idea (People? I've told him this before. Honestly, I have.). It's not that big of a deal to me to smoke, so I just simply won't do it." Wow. Really? Ok, cool. And then he proceeds to get even more wasted. Ugh. We get back to Alohi and Eric's and he gets pissy because I want to go to bed. It's only midnight, but we started drinking at 5pm! I need to go to bed! Stay up if you want, Chris! Really? Yes! Fine!
Within 5 minutes I hear the bubbling bong.
N: "Chris?"
C: "Yes?"
N: "Are you smoking pot?"
C: "Yes."
OMG! WHAT!?!?!?! So I just go to bed. Wow. Ok. What happened to that big heart to heart about pot and it not meaning anything to him so he was going to quit? That was just an hour ago. So we wake up the next morning and I decide to cuddle up and not be mad. Because that's what I do. That's why I wake up a year into a relationship and say to myself: HOW COULD YOU NOT HAVE KNOWN THIS WOULD HAPPEN!?!??! Wait. Is he giving ME the cold shoulder? Yep.
N: "Are you mad at me?"
C: "I'm not happy with you."
N: "OMG! Are you fucking serious!??!" I lost it, folks. This guy is a trip! He's always mad at me for shit that he does! Always!
So we argue for like 10 minutes finally ending with:
N: "Fuck this! Let's break up!"
C: "At least we're on the same page!"
N: "Good."
C: "Good."
We drive awkwardly back from Steamboat. Silence. Ew. We stop in Silverthorne, do a little shopping (silently) and then Chris looks at me before we get in the car...
C: "Look, Nissa. I love you (WHAT?!?!?), and I don't want to break up. I'm sorry that I smoked last night. I was just mad that you were going to bed and...."
N: "Mad that I was going to bed, so you disregarded a promise you made an hour earlier that meant A LOT to me?"
C: "I know, it was stupid. I'm sorry."
Can people please stop doing things that they need to apologize for? I hate the word sorry! Just don't do things you need to apologize for! We go in circles and somehow he wins. I'm not feeling pumped on staying together and he knows it, but he's hopeful that I'll come around, as he puts it. I just couldn't stand my ground any longer. He was staring me in the face, begging me to give it another try. Begging. Apologizing. Professing his love. Ugh. WEAK! And it's not like it was with Adam. I couldn't let that end because of how much I LOVED and adored Adam. This was just uncomfortable and I couldn't escape it. I was in Silverthorne about to drive 2 more hours to his house alone, with just him. UGH UGH UGH.
Sorry. Bedtime. I'll keep writing tomorrow. I just want to be caught up to today because there are STILL things that will be added to this going on now! Hahaha. It's lightened up some on my part, but it's still dramatic. And Adam. There will be Adam stories before you get all caught up, too. I love Adam stories. They're so much more fun than these stories. Ok, goodnight.
And yes, I saw the red flag. I think it was a flare being thrown at me, actually. I saw it. I didn't ignore it. I couldn't. Really.
Ok, so we're on the phone and I realize that when we talk late at night (keep in mind he lives an hour away from me, so I only see him about twice a week), he is much more open about his feelings and shares a LOT more with me than he does any other time. So I ask him: "Chris, are you drinking tonight?" No no no. Of course not. Or sometimes I would get a - Sure, I'm having a glass of wine, but no biggie. And it's true, no biggie. I have a glass of wine at home sometimes. Hardly ever, but I do do it. Oooooooook. Moving right along.
So I get back from the camping trip on Sunday, spend the night at Chris's that night and then don't see him again until Friday night. We're going to Steamboat to see Alohi early Saturday morning, so we're just going to walk from his place and grab some dinner and make it an early night. I didn't get to his house until 7pm that Friday night and he was just sort of puttin' around the house, loading the dishwasher, etc. I thought he was drinking apple juice at first...
N: "Chris, what are you drinking?"
C: "Jack and coke."
N: "Jack with MAYBE a splash of coke?"
C: *chuckles* "Yes, I guess you could say it that way. Haha."
N: "How many have you had?"
C: "I think this is my 4th or 5th. Why?"
N: *silent stare* and thinks to self: HOLY FUCK! HE'S A FULL BLOWN ALCOHOLIC!
So we quietly leave his house and I have no words. None. Am I in a relationship with another addict? Seriously? Wow. My therapist once told me that I could be in a room with 199 sober people and one addict and I'd somehow find the addict to love. WHY?!?!? Apparently because my mother (with all due respect!) was an addict and couldn't give up her addiction for me, and so I need someone (anyone, apparently!) to give up their addiction for me and I'll be able to overcome that childhood issue. Does that suck or WHAT?!??! Ok, moving right along.... So we walk to Chipotle and on the way over he brings it up:
C: "Look, Nissa. I just have a hard time sleeping and so I drink and it helps me."
N: "Um....it's 7pm and we're not anywhere near going to bed. So why are you on your 5th jack and coke already?!?!? And furthermore, didn't you just go to the doctor yesterday and find out you have SUPER high blood pressure and a possible heart condition? Didn't your doctor tell you to quit drinking?!?!?"
C: "Well, yes. Um, um, um...."
N: "Well I think you should have disclosed this info on match.com. You could've put "regularly" instead of "one or two" at least!!!!" Ok - that was dumb, but seriously! He could have! Should have!
C: "I didn't want you to know."
N: "Apparently!"
Ok, so it continued for the night. I was pretty quiet, and distant. But then we had a great weekend planned, so I (as usual) swept this under the rug, at least for the weekend. Had a ton of fun with Alohi and her husband, although LOTS of drinking was had by all. Chris even smoked pot. Joy. Didn't I just end a relationship in part because of pot? Pretty sure I did! Ok, so a BIGGGGGGGG fight ensues over the pot. After the rodeo (YES! SO FUNNNN!) in Steamboat, people started smoking pot. I don't deal well with pot. HATE IT! I tend to make a way bigger deal over pot than most, but it's my thing. HATE IT! Ok, so Chris and I sit down and I go over why I hate pot so much and he says: "Geez, I had no idea (People? I've told him this before. Honestly, I have.). It's not that big of a deal to me to smoke, so I just simply won't do it." Wow. Really? Ok, cool. And then he proceeds to get even more wasted. Ugh. We get back to Alohi and Eric's and he gets pissy because I want to go to bed. It's only midnight, but we started drinking at 5pm! I need to go to bed! Stay up if you want, Chris! Really? Yes! Fine!
Within 5 minutes I hear the bubbling bong.
N: "Chris?"
C: "Yes?"
N: "Are you smoking pot?"
C: "Yes."
OMG! WHAT!?!?!?! So I just go to bed. Wow. Ok. What happened to that big heart to heart about pot and it not meaning anything to him so he was going to quit? That was just an hour ago. So we wake up the next morning and I decide to cuddle up and not be mad. Because that's what I do. That's why I wake up a year into a relationship and say to myself: HOW COULD YOU NOT HAVE KNOWN THIS WOULD HAPPEN!?!??! Wait. Is he giving ME the cold shoulder? Yep.
N: "Are you mad at me?"
C: "I'm not happy with you."
N: "OMG! Are you fucking serious!??!" I lost it, folks. This guy is a trip! He's always mad at me for shit that he does! Always!
So we argue for like 10 minutes finally ending with:
N: "Fuck this! Let's break up!"
C: "At least we're on the same page!"
N: "Good."
C: "Good."
We drive awkwardly back from Steamboat. Silence. Ew. We stop in Silverthorne, do a little shopping (silently) and then Chris looks at me before we get in the car...
C: "Look, Nissa. I love you (WHAT?!?!?), and I don't want to break up. I'm sorry that I smoked last night. I was just mad that you were going to bed and...."
N: "Mad that I was going to bed, so you disregarded a promise you made an hour earlier that meant A LOT to me?"
C: "I know, it was stupid. I'm sorry."
Can people please stop doing things that they need to apologize for? I hate the word sorry! Just don't do things you need to apologize for! We go in circles and somehow he wins. I'm not feeling pumped on staying together and he knows it, but he's hopeful that I'll come around, as he puts it. I just couldn't stand my ground any longer. He was staring me in the face, begging me to give it another try. Begging. Apologizing. Professing his love. Ugh. WEAK! And it's not like it was with Adam. I couldn't let that end because of how much I LOVED and adored Adam. This was just uncomfortable and I couldn't escape it. I was in Silverthorne about to drive 2 more hours to his house alone, with just him. UGH UGH UGH.
Sorry. Bedtime. I'll keep writing tomorrow. I just want to be caught up to today because there are STILL things that will be added to this going on now! Hahaha. It's lightened up some on my part, but it's still dramatic. And Adam. There will be Adam stories before you get all caught up, too. I love Adam stories. They're so much more fun than these stories. Ok, goodnight.
And yes, I saw the red flag. I think it was a flare being thrown at me, actually. I saw it. I didn't ignore it. I couldn't. Really.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
In a Nutshell
Where do I even begin???? It's been a whole month since I've blogged. So much has happened. Ok. Hmmmm. Ok. Let me just start by saying that tonight I started reading: "It's Called a Breakup Becuase It's Broken. Ugh. Actually, no. I shouldn't say "ugh." I'm fine. I'm feeling pretty high spirited, actually, considering this mess I've gotten myself into.
So really quickly, Chris was absolutely wonderful at first. Perfect. He consistently adored me and showered me with compliments and affection, which was all pretty new to me. It was great. Fabulous, in fact. And I was really attracted to him from day one. Amazing sex, too. Amazing. Best ever, maybe. I was picking up on some red flag type things right away, but thought that I was looking too hard for a problem, so I let them all slide. Girls? We all know not to do this, ever, right? Yes, we do. Anyway, on another note it was a little weird that he knew Adam, and it was even weirder the first time we ran into Adam, but that ended up to be fine. They were excited to see each other and exchanged hugs and chatted it up for a while and exchanged nice words about what a great gal I am, etc. It was fine. The thing that totally sucked about bumping into Adam when I was with Chris was that I would look at Adam and think: he's so cute! and geez, I really miss him and oh - he's so fun! And everyone else would rag on Adam when he would walk away, I guess because they thought that's what I needed to hear. In actuality, that was offending me. I wanted to stick up for him, but Chris would be suspicious if I did that, so I never did.
So two weeks after I got home from my trip to Massachusetts, which was also 2 weeks after Chris and I got more serious, there was a big camping trip for a friend's bday and Adam was going to be there. This meant Chris couldn't go. Adam and I had a little agreement that we wouldn't bring our "dates" to any mutual friends' get togethers for at least a month, and we both were respecting that. The month ended up to be over just after this camping trip. At first I wasn't even going to go because I didn't want it to be too weird with Chris, but then when I saw Adam out and Chris went to the bathroom, Adam whispered to me: "I'm excited to have time with you next weekend, I think we could use it." That's when I decided that I really did want to go, even if Chris was going to be mad. I started to get all rebellious about it, actually. Like - fuck that! He can't tell me what to do! So that helped push me into going. Other than that, Lynette (it was her husbands bday camping trip) would have never forgiven me if I bailed on it. So camping I go. It was such a funnnnnnnnnn weekend. We were in the middle of nowhere, no cell service, no stores, no electricity, no bathrooms. Nothing. It was awesome. I'm not sure I've ever really roughed it like that. It's no Pine Acres, if ya know what I mean. So anyway, great (!) weekend. Perfect. The first night Adam, Ryan (another guy friend), and I sat by the camp fire til 3am just chatting and laughing and having a good ole time. Everyone else (there were 10 of us total) went to bed hours earlier. When it was time for bed, it got awkward for a minute because I wasn't thrilled about sleeping alone in my tent in the wilderness, but it passed (due to consumed alcohol, I'm assuming) quickly. The next morning I was the first one up, just the way I like it, and I snuck quietly out of my tent, cleaned up the mess from the night before and sat by the fire (not lit) and read my book as people slowly started poking their heads out of their tents. We all got up and cooked a big breakfast and then we went white water rafting (more like floating) for 7 hours. Such a beautiful area, such a delightful day. Seriously. Adam and I were on the same boat, and we just had such a nice time. Mostly quiet. The whole boat, just taking in the beauty around us. We saw hawks, beavers, and all kinds of spectacular and breath taking views. Then we did the same thing that night, all crowded around the camp fire, Myles playing his guitar and all of us singing, only this time I was the first one to go to bed. Adam snuck down to my tent and sat right outside my unzipped door and we talked. I cried. It wasn't really dramatic or anything, but we just talked about lots of stuff. Mostly how strange it was to be there, camping with our friends, and getting along so well and having such a wonderful time and then realizing that we're totally broken up. Even with other people, both of us. A sad realization when you're in that situation. Like I said, it wasn't dramatic and it didn't turn into any big thing. It was a nice talk. Then he left and went back up to the fire with everyone else (or so I thought) and I went to sleep - not too sad either. I was again, the first to rise and then Adam got up, too and told me that he went to sleep when he left my tent. I was surprised. He is usually the party guy and sleeps the latest. It was seriously like 7am. I wanted to "bathe" in the Colorado River - I was SO dirty! I needed help though - the current was too strong to walk in with all my soap, etc., so Adam came with me. I should note that I kept my swimsuit on the whole time, but it was just so nice. So peaceful. No one but the birds up. We all floated down the river for 5 hours on Sunday and had, yet another, glorious day. It was such a nice weekend. People were making jokes though, I might add, that we got along (Adam and I) better that weekend than the rest of the couples we were with....kinda funny, only not.
Ok, Sunday night. I'm not even super excited to see Chris. Obviously. But because it was such a big deal that I was going on this trip with my ex boyfriend, blah blah blah, I had already promised Chris I would stay at his house the night I got back. Luckily, as soon as I saw him, and as soon as he was SOOOOOOOOO happy to have me back I was fine. I exhaled and all was well. Well, not all (I was still thinking a lot of Adam, but I knew I was doing the right thing. I felt like I was anyway.), but mostly. Ok, so here we are....Chris and Nissa. Hmmm....Is Chris drinking? A lot? Every night? Weird.
Ok, that's the cliff hanger for tonight. I have to go to bed! But I promise to write tomorrow during Wesley's nap! Promise! I brought my laptop, especially for you! (not proof reading, ps)
So really quickly, Chris was absolutely wonderful at first. Perfect. He consistently adored me and showered me with compliments and affection, which was all pretty new to me. It was great. Fabulous, in fact. And I was really attracted to him from day one. Amazing sex, too. Amazing. Best ever, maybe. I was picking up on some red flag type things right away, but thought that I was looking too hard for a problem, so I let them all slide. Girls? We all know not to do this, ever, right? Yes, we do. Anyway, on another note it was a little weird that he knew Adam, and it was even weirder the first time we ran into Adam, but that ended up to be fine. They were excited to see each other and exchanged hugs and chatted it up for a while and exchanged nice words about what a great gal I am, etc. It was fine. The thing that totally sucked about bumping into Adam when I was with Chris was that I would look at Adam and think: he's so cute! and geez, I really miss him and oh - he's so fun! And everyone else would rag on Adam when he would walk away, I guess because they thought that's what I needed to hear. In actuality, that was offending me. I wanted to stick up for him, but Chris would be suspicious if I did that, so I never did.
So two weeks after I got home from my trip to Massachusetts, which was also 2 weeks after Chris and I got more serious, there was a big camping trip for a friend's bday and Adam was going to be there. This meant Chris couldn't go. Adam and I had a little agreement that we wouldn't bring our "dates" to any mutual friends' get togethers for at least a month, and we both were respecting that. The month ended up to be over just after this camping trip. At first I wasn't even going to go because I didn't want it to be too weird with Chris, but then when I saw Adam out and Chris went to the bathroom, Adam whispered to me: "I'm excited to have time with you next weekend, I think we could use it." That's when I decided that I really did want to go, even if Chris was going to be mad. I started to get all rebellious about it, actually. Like - fuck that! He can't tell me what to do! So that helped push me into going. Other than that, Lynette (it was her husbands bday camping trip) would have never forgiven me if I bailed on it. So camping I go. It was such a funnnnnnnnnn weekend. We were in the middle of nowhere, no cell service, no stores, no electricity, no bathrooms. Nothing. It was awesome. I'm not sure I've ever really roughed it like that. It's no Pine Acres, if ya know what I mean. So anyway, great (!) weekend. Perfect. The first night Adam, Ryan (another guy friend), and I sat by the camp fire til 3am just chatting and laughing and having a good ole time. Everyone else (there were 10 of us total) went to bed hours earlier. When it was time for bed, it got awkward for a minute because I wasn't thrilled about sleeping alone in my tent in the wilderness, but it passed (due to consumed alcohol, I'm assuming) quickly. The next morning I was the first one up, just the way I like it, and I snuck quietly out of my tent, cleaned up the mess from the night before and sat by the fire (not lit) and read my book as people slowly started poking their heads out of their tents. We all got up and cooked a big breakfast and then we went white water rafting (more like floating) for 7 hours. Such a beautiful area, such a delightful day. Seriously. Adam and I were on the same boat, and we just had such a nice time. Mostly quiet. The whole boat, just taking in the beauty around us. We saw hawks, beavers, and all kinds of spectacular and breath taking views. Then we did the same thing that night, all crowded around the camp fire, Myles playing his guitar and all of us singing, only this time I was the first one to go to bed. Adam snuck down to my tent and sat right outside my unzipped door and we talked. I cried. It wasn't really dramatic or anything, but we just talked about lots of stuff. Mostly how strange it was to be there, camping with our friends, and getting along so well and having such a wonderful time and then realizing that we're totally broken up. Even with other people, both of us. A sad realization when you're in that situation. Like I said, it wasn't dramatic and it didn't turn into any big thing. It was a nice talk. Then he left and went back up to the fire with everyone else (or so I thought) and I went to sleep - not too sad either. I was again, the first to rise and then Adam got up, too and told me that he went to sleep when he left my tent. I was surprised. He is usually the party guy and sleeps the latest. It was seriously like 7am. I wanted to "bathe" in the Colorado River - I was SO dirty! I needed help though - the current was too strong to walk in with all my soap, etc., so Adam came with me. I should note that I kept my swimsuit on the whole time, but it was just so nice. So peaceful. No one but the birds up. We all floated down the river for 5 hours on Sunday and had, yet another, glorious day. It was such a nice weekend. People were making jokes though, I might add, that we got along (Adam and I) better that weekend than the rest of the couples we were with....kinda funny, only not.
Ok, Sunday night. I'm not even super excited to see Chris. Obviously. But because it was such a big deal that I was going on this trip with my ex boyfriend, blah blah blah, I had already promised Chris I would stay at his house the night I got back. Luckily, as soon as I saw him, and as soon as he was SOOOOOOOOO happy to have me back I was fine. I exhaled and all was well. Well, not all (I was still thinking a lot of Adam, but I knew I was doing the right thing. I felt like I was anyway.), but mostly. Ok, so here we are....Chris and Nissa. Hmmm....Is Chris drinking? A lot? Every night? Weird.
Ok, that's the cliff hanger for tonight. I have to go to bed! But I promise to write tomorrow during Wesley's nap! Promise! I brought my laptop, especially for you! (not proof reading, ps)
Ooops. Out of order...
If you want to go way back and read half of the updated version of what happened when I got back from Massachusetts and went to Chris's house, read the blog entitled "The reality of it is." It's incomplete and I'm so not going to go back over those details, but you might want to read it anyway. It got inserted into the slot after the picture of Chris on the surfboard. It apparently puts them in my by date, even if it was a draft for over a month. Oooooooooook. Now I'm going to get going on the latest updates.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
The reality of it is...
(ok - now i wrote this blog a month ago. seriously. but it was saved as a draft b/c it wasn't finished. i'm going to post it now and try to catch you up without typing 30 pages. read below to see how chris and i were off to such a good start!)
I was pretty close. Really close, in fact. Here is what actually happened:
(Maybe I should make this blog private!??!?! Chris might not be thrilled if he knew all our business was out there for the public to read! He won't know though. I tried to find the blog through google with some key words and I couldn't, so that's good.)
Ok...my flight lands. My dad actually picks me up, not my brother or mother. Off to a rough start? Nah. Ok...
I get dropped off at my mom's and she immediately says: "Did you eat ANYTHING there!?!? You're starving yourself!" Thanks, Mom. It's a little dramatic, but a compliment in her own way. I got busy on my laundry (darks - I really wanted that one particular pair of jeans and that one specific nightie!) and then chatted with Chris about our evening plans. He wanted to cook me dinner....hmmm....ok. What was I going to say? No? It was dinner time. I had to. Ugh. "Turkey tacos ok?" Sure. Ok, I'll just eat one and it won't do any damage. NO BEANS! PLEASE! I called all the Blockbusters between my mom's and his house and NONE of them had Entourage, Season 1. Ugh. I texted Chris this information and he said: "That's ok, I was just planning on buying it. I have to go to Target and get a dvd player anyway. Should I wait for you and we can go together?" Sure. Uh oh...it's getting late. It's already 5pm and I haven't even showered yet! Haven't even plucked yet! Oh no! The panic sets in...oh no! Panic = sweatty Betty! Shit! I just remembered I ran out of deodorant this morning at my grandmother's house before the airport! Please...no sweating! Ok...breathe. Switch your laundry and you MUST start primping for the big night! (By the way, this is all my voice in my head coaching me. I do it all the time. I talk myself in and out of things by the minute.) What if the night's a flop?!?!? DON'T think that way, Missy! Ok...laundry's switched....to the shower I go. My mom is totally going to wonder what is up with me. Mom - tweezers?!!? Yes. Thank GOD! "Don't make yourself bleed, Nissa. He won't think that's pretty." Haha - does she really know me that well? Ok - I did it all - plucked, shaved, crest white strips, all of it. Still no deodorant and oddly, my mom doesn't wear any. She tried to pawn my stepdad's off on me. No thanks. I'd rather not smell like a man tonight of all nights. I was going to wear my black tank top with my favorite jeans, but he's seen that outfit before (it's my uniform). Then it hit me...I have my cute little peasant like top that is white with pink and blue flowers...he'll like that. He compliments me on my clothes sometimes and this is more his speed than my black tank top, I think. Ok, clothes aren't quite dry...blow dry hair. Yes! I like my hair SO much better in the dry climate - Colorado gives me great hair! I picked my face a little too much at the beginning of my primping session, so I need a little more make up than I had hoped but whatever. My idea of a lot of make up is WAY less than most I know and hang out with, so I'm still ok. So far so good. Clothes are dry, mom LOVES the outfit and I'm on my way.... 7:30pm. Oops. A little late. I call him and tell him I'm on my way and he starts dinner. I'm getting butterflies! So exciting!!!! The a/c is ON! Please please don't sweat before I stop at the store and get deodorant (sensitive skin special deodorant, of course! ugh!). First Safeway, coming up. Right on the way...CLOSED! DAMN IT! Ok, there's one right across the street from Chris's house. Ok. A/c will do the trick til then. I called him from Safeway. He's so sweet: "I'm really excited to see you, Nissa." Aw. I just play it cool. Haha. I'm DYING over here!
I was pretty close. Really close, in fact. Here is what actually happened:
(Maybe I should make this blog private!??!?! Chris might not be thrilled if he knew all our business was out there for the public to read! He won't know though. I tried to find the blog through google with some key words and I couldn't, so that's good.)
Ok...my flight lands. My dad actually picks me up, not my brother or mother. Off to a rough start? Nah. Ok...
I get dropped off at my mom's and she immediately says: "Did you eat ANYTHING there!?!? You're starving yourself!" Thanks, Mom. It's a little dramatic, but a compliment in her own way. I got busy on my laundry (darks - I really wanted that one particular pair of jeans and that one specific nightie!) and then chatted with Chris about our evening plans. He wanted to cook me dinner....hmmm....ok. What was I going to say? No? It was dinner time. I had to. Ugh. "Turkey tacos ok?" Sure. Ok, I'll just eat one and it won't do any damage. NO BEANS! PLEASE! I called all the Blockbusters between my mom's and his house and NONE of them had Entourage, Season 1. Ugh. I texted Chris this information and he said: "That's ok, I was just planning on buying it. I have to go to Target and get a dvd player anyway. Should I wait for you and we can go together?" Sure. Uh oh...it's getting late. It's already 5pm and I haven't even showered yet! Haven't even plucked yet! Oh no! The panic sets in...oh no! Panic = sweatty Betty! Shit! I just remembered I ran out of deodorant this morning at my grandmother's house before the airport! Please...no sweating! Ok...breathe. Switch your laundry and you MUST start primping for the big night! (By the way, this is all my voice in my head coaching me. I do it all the time. I talk myself in and out of things by the minute.) What if the night's a flop?!?!? DON'T think that way, Missy! Ok...laundry's switched....to the shower I go. My mom is totally going to wonder what is up with me. Mom - tweezers?!!? Yes. Thank GOD! "Don't make yourself bleed, Nissa. He won't think that's pretty." Haha - does she really know me that well? Ok - I did it all - plucked, shaved, crest white strips, all of it. Still no deodorant and oddly, my mom doesn't wear any. She tried to pawn my stepdad's off on me. No thanks. I'd rather not smell like a man tonight of all nights. I was going to wear my black tank top with my favorite jeans, but he's seen that outfit before (it's my uniform). Then it hit me...I have my cute little peasant like top that is white with pink and blue flowers...he'll like that. He compliments me on my clothes sometimes and this is more his speed than my black tank top, I think. Ok, clothes aren't quite dry...blow dry hair. Yes! I like my hair SO much better in the dry climate - Colorado gives me great hair! I picked my face a little too much at the beginning of my primping session, so I need a little more make up than I had hoped but whatever. My idea of a lot of make up is WAY less than most I know and hang out with, so I'm still ok. So far so good. Clothes are dry, mom LOVES the outfit and I'm on my way.... 7:30pm. Oops. A little late. I call him and tell him I'm on my way and he starts dinner. I'm getting butterflies! So exciting!!!! The a/c is ON! Please please don't sweat before I stop at the store and get deodorant (sensitive skin special deodorant, of course! ugh!). First Safeway, coming up. Right on the way...CLOSED! DAMN IT! Ok, there's one right across the street from Chris's house. Ok. A/c will do the trick til then. I called him from Safeway. He's so sweet: "I'm really excited to see you, Nissa." Aw. I just play it cool. Haha. I'm DYING over here!
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Feels like forever!
I have SO much to tell you....not about my week long trip though! Hahaha. I just want to blog about Chris today. This is so weird. This is kind of a private entry, but I'm going to do it anyway. Be warned...it might be too much information. So yesterday, I flew back to Denver from Boston. On my first leg, I was really wishing I had either my laptop or a pen and paper. I had things on my mind and needed to get them out. During my layover (my 5 minute layover that I had to RUN through the airport to catch the plane) I spotted a bookstore and ran in and grabbed a blank notebook for $2.99! SCORE! As soon as I sat down I started writing....
I'm on my way back to Denver from 7 days away. A much needed 7 days away. It's such a weird time to go back though... My job fiasco, the whole Chris situation... It's all a little crazy in my life right now. Do I even have a job? If I do, do I even want that job? If not, what do I want to do? Nanny again? Move? Go back to school? Ugh! Decisions!
And what about Chris?!?!?! What is going on with him!?!?! What do I want to be going on with him? Is he as great as I think he is? Am I as great as he thinks I am? Well I guess only time will tell. Tonight will be a good little test. As long as I can remain comfortable with him, I think it will be fine. But what if my self conscious side comes out? Oh my god! It's SO going to ! Do I just come out and tell him?!? Do I just say: "Look! I love everything about myself but my naked body!?!?!?" Probably not, huh? He is going to be totally turned off by my discomfort tonight, I know it. He's going to want me to 100% naked and if it's not dark, it's simply NOT happening. The thing is, if I could just be honest and tell him that keeping my nightie on would be beneficial to our whole sexual experience (oh, did I mention that I'm having sex tonight? I am.), we'd be fine. Better than fine, I'd bet. I think we're totally going to be sexually compatible. UNLESS he's going to put too much emphasis on nakedness. Ugh. The thought of it makes me cringe. I've had huge issues with this before. HUGE. It was with Adam and to be honest, I think Chris has been more attracted to me since day one than Adam ever was. Maybe that'll be helpful Well, I know it'll be helpful but maybe not quite enough. It's so annoying! Why do I have to be like this?!?!? It's not even just that I'm chubby - he knows I'm chubby and he's clearly OK with it...he's been trying to jump my bones (hahaha - that made me laugh!) since the 1st hour that I met him.
There are a whole bunch of reasons that I'm freaking out...
1 - I'm a picker. I pick every little thing that's not totally smooth on my whole entire body. Arms, legs, face, butt cheeks, chest, boobs, feet, fingers, all of it. Therefore, there could be red marks anywhere. I pick til I bleed. Daily.
2 - There are 2 spots that would totally gross anyone out if in the right/wrong position. Inner thighs and stomach. Ew.
I could just wear my tine and cute little nightie and avoid all of the discomfort. It's lacey, sweet and tiny - short w/tiny spaghetti straps. Innocent with a touch of sexy - perfect. But I know he's going to want it off. Ugh! FUCK!
Oh - 3 - doggie style??? love it - only in the dark. Ever. With anyone. Who wants their butt(ok, brace yourself)hole up in anyone's plain sight? Not me! Skinny or chubby, no thanks! No! Never! Unless, of course, the lights are out. Not pitch black, but close.
4 - And Chris is so going to be the guy who will watch my face to make sure I'm enjoying it. Can be awkward, can be smooth and just fine. Hahaha. Soooo awkward though, potentially. (I'm secretly scolding myself: GROW UP!)
Pray for darkness and pray that when we have wake up sex, tomorrow, he'll be more accepting of me being in my nightie. Perfect scenario:
My flight lands, my mom or brother are there to pick me up. I go to my mom's, start my laundry (dark - favorite jeans and cute nightie!), pluck, shave, shower. Squeaky clean and mostly hairless from head to toe. Brush teeth. Moisturize from head to toe. Blow dry my hair - he loves my hair - did I mention that? *Side note: he has complimented my name, voice, hair, confidence, lips, white shirt that I wore on our first date - a lot. He's quite generous with compliments.* Apply small amount of make up. Enough to cover up redness in right brow area and gaping pores, but little enough that he thinks I don't wear much (oh - he complimented me on that already more than once, too - fyi). Write in blog while I wait for my clothes to dry. By now it's 5:30pm. I think I'll paint my toes or go for a cheap pedi on the way to his house. If he hasn't found Entourage, Season 1, I'll stop by each Blockbuster along the way. I probably won't eat because I'll be too nervous. I'll eat on the way home from the airport, that'll be enough. Keep tummy on the flatter side for 1st time sex with Chris! Oooooooook. Call him when I'm close. 7pmish. Pull into his complex and calm my nerve with a reminder that he adores me. Deep breath, deep breath. Whooooooooooooooo. Ok. I'm also meeting the dogs for the 1st time. Ugh. He's super excited for me to meet the girls...somehow he got the impression that I'm a dog lover. Hmmmm. Why? I can be friendly but do NOT sniff my crotch or lick my feet! Do girl dogs sniff crotches? Who says crotches? Ew.
Ok, he opens the door....aw, he's cuter than I remembered. Always is. He really is adorable and when I don't see him for a couple of days I forget. We hug, my arms on top - always are. That's how we fit. We kiss. And kiss a few more times. I'm thinking no tongue for a little while. Maybe though. We are great kissers together and tend to make out. A lot. But not obnoxiously in public. So far, in public, it's been quite affectionate, but we've managed to wait til the car to make out. Haha. But always, he gives off the vibe that he totally would make out anywhere, if I would. But he's respectful and a gentleman. And actually, when it comes down to it, I don't think he would slip me the tongue in public. I love that he wants to though. He stares just long enough that I know he likes me but short of being creepy. Way short of being creepy. He has a very sweet stare. More like he's interested and wants to know me. Our first (sober) kiss (we were wasted when we met and smooched!) - which I will forever consider our first kiss - was unexpected and perfect. We were in a coffee shop waiting for my latte and I turned around and it just happened. We gracefully collided right there and we both went in for the sweetest kiss at the exact same time. Met in the middle. It was the sweetest thing. How's that for a tangent? Ok....his house. I arrive.
We hug, kiss, meet Sequoia and Selawick, he finishes up doing whatever he was doing and then eventually we cozy up on the couch. I wish it was dark (outside), but it's not quite. I keep my street clothes on and we have to figure out how we fit on his couch together. It's our first time cuddling on the couch. Funnnn. I hope. He's short, but wide. An inch shorter than I am but his shoulders are broader. I had to be behind Adam or he couldn't see the tv. That sucked. I hated it. How will Chris and I put? Ew. Awkward again. Wait - didn't I just say funnn??? Ok, yes. Funnnn. But we'll figure that out. Entourage, Season 1 begins. We love it! Chris CRACKS up - I love love love his laugh! He'll probably try to curb his enthusiasm, as to not yell in my ear or thras around - his laugh is crazy. Awesome. And I'll tell him not to hold back but I'll still notice his chest inflating and he'll be trying to hold it in. Moving right along... Depending on how long Season 1 is, we either get sleepy or it ends and we (one of us) suggests bed. I suggest sleep and he suggests bed, both having the same intentions. It's dark. He wants to turn on the tv ( because he sleeps with it on - ick) and I slyly swoop in and kiss him away from the tv and say something smooth like: "We won't be watching anymore tv tonight, Hot Stuff." Just kidding. But I'll say something to get the tv to stay off. Whew. Darkness. There are lights outside his bedroom window that cast a glow into his room through the slats of his blinds, but just enough - not too much. (I took notice of this the first time I slept there - just in case)
The sex is as we both imagine it will be. Scorpio to Scorpio. Both more giving than taking. Passionate, but not crazy. Sensual, and not boring. Crazy will come, but not the first time or the second. Boring will never come. The stars and planets say so. Oh - and Chris? Not too big, but not too small. I hate both extremes and this will align with most everything else Chris has to offer. This adventure happily comes to an end and we're both sleepily smiling. I thank Chris and he tells me it was all he had hoped for and worth the wait. We sleep. At some point, because I know I will, I slip out of bed and put my mightie back on and go to the bathroom (you know you're supposed to pee after sex!). I slide back into bed, we kiss and go back to sleep. At first light one of us wakes the other one up and we have our first go at morning sex. Different than the night before, but pleasing just the same. I keep my nightie on this time and it's acceptable - this is the only iffy part. I hope it's acceptable. Some people like skin to skin - always. This time I'll totally be on top. Funnnn.
I'm really looking foward to this night/next morning being similar to this journal entry. High expectations? That's the way I roll. No, but really...this is the best case scenario. But I also think it's fairly realistic. Chris and I have been oddly connected since first meeting. He has politely asked me: "Get out of my head!" on more than one occasion. I could be right on here. All but the penis size - I'm not psychic, just intuitive.
How long our morning lasts will depend on whether or not I have a job to go to. Ugh. What a shitty snap back to reality. This will have to be dealt with asap. I'm pissed. Ok - now I've been writing since take off and we're 33 minutes from landing! How funnn! I'm SO glad I stopped in the bookstore to grab this notebook! I'll keep you posted! Sooooooooooon! I promsie!
Ok - now that was yesterday. The night occurred and I'll be honest - I wasn't too far off at all! It was awesome. I'm EXHAUSTED and have to go to bed. I'll write tomorrow with an update. I hope it wasn't too honest for you - it was me writing on paper not ever planning on putting it here so it's a little more blunt. But it's truthful, that's for sure! I'm not rereading - too tired. Sorry for errors, but I'll correct them tomorrow! I'm going to get back into leaving you with a song. Here is the lucky song of the day:
Need Your Space by Jason Vigil (this is who Chris and I went to see on our first date.)
Looking into me a different side you see and you don't mind it, you seem to like it
The crazy things I say, you turn a smile my way, and I don't mind it, in fact I like it
In fact I like it, you
Looking into you and everything you do, oh I like it, do you mind it
The way you look, your eyes, caught me by surprise, and I can't hide it, don't try to fight it
No need to fight it, no
And I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
Need your space
When you look at me I wonder what you see, does it make you happy?
Stunned by a glance, let's give us a chance 'cause you make me happy
And I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
Need your space, need your space, oh love, oh love
I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
Need your space, need your space, need your space
I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
I'm on my way back to Denver from 7 days away. A much needed 7 days away. It's such a weird time to go back though... My job fiasco, the whole Chris situation... It's all a little crazy in my life right now. Do I even have a job? If I do, do I even want that job? If not, what do I want to do? Nanny again? Move? Go back to school? Ugh! Decisions!
And what about Chris?!?!?! What is going on with him!?!?! What do I want to be going on with him? Is he as great as I think he is? Am I as great as he thinks I am? Well I guess only time will tell. Tonight will be a good little test. As long as I can remain comfortable with him, I think it will be fine. But what if my self conscious side comes out? Oh my god! It's SO going to ! Do I just come out and tell him?!? Do I just say: "Look! I love everything about myself but my naked body!?!?!?" Probably not, huh? He is going to be totally turned off by my discomfort tonight, I know it. He's going to want me to 100% naked and if it's not dark, it's simply NOT happening. The thing is, if I could just be honest and tell him that keeping my nightie on would be beneficial to our whole sexual experience (oh, did I mention that I'm having sex tonight? I am.), we'd be fine. Better than fine, I'd bet. I think we're totally going to be sexually compatible. UNLESS he's going to put too much emphasis on nakedness. Ugh. The thought of it makes me cringe. I've had huge issues with this before. HUGE. It was with Adam and to be honest, I think Chris has been more attracted to me since day one than Adam ever was. Maybe that'll be helpful Well, I know it'll be helpful but maybe not quite enough. It's so annoying! Why do I have to be like this?!?!? It's not even just that I'm chubby - he knows I'm chubby and he's clearly OK with it...he's been trying to jump my bones (hahaha - that made me laugh!) since the 1st hour that I met him.
There are a whole bunch of reasons that I'm freaking out...
1 - I'm a picker. I pick every little thing that's not totally smooth on my whole entire body. Arms, legs, face, butt cheeks, chest, boobs, feet, fingers, all of it. Therefore, there could be red marks anywhere. I pick til I bleed. Daily.
2 - There are 2 spots that would totally gross anyone out if in the right/wrong position. Inner thighs and stomach. Ew.
I could just wear my tine and cute little nightie and avoid all of the discomfort. It's lacey, sweet and tiny - short w/tiny spaghetti straps. Innocent with a touch of sexy - perfect. But I know he's going to want it off. Ugh! FUCK!
Oh - 3 - doggie style??? love it - only in the dark. Ever. With anyone. Who wants their butt(ok, brace yourself)hole up in anyone's plain sight? Not me! Skinny or chubby, no thanks! No! Never! Unless, of course, the lights are out. Not pitch black, but close.
4 - And Chris is so going to be the guy who will watch my face to make sure I'm enjoying it. Can be awkward, can be smooth and just fine. Hahaha. Soooo awkward though, potentially. (I'm secretly scolding myself: GROW UP!)
Pray for darkness and pray that when we have wake up sex, tomorrow, he'll be more accepting of me being in my nightie. Perfect scenario:
My flight lands, my mom or brother are there to pick me up. I go to my mom's, start my laundry (dark - favorite jeans and cute nightie!), pluck, shave, shower. Squeaky clean and mostly hairless from head to toe. Brush teeth. Moisturize from head to toe. Blow dry my hair - he loves my hair - did I mention that? *Side note: he has complimented my name, voice, hair, confidence, lips, white shirt that I wore on our first date - a lot. He's quite generous with compliments.* Apply small amount of make up. Enough to cover up redness in right brow area and gaping pores, but little enough that he thinks I don't wear much (oh - he complimented me on that already more than once, too - fyi). Write in blog while I wait for my clothes to dry. By now it's 5:30pm. I think I'll paint my toes or go for a cheap pedi on the way to his house. If he hasn't found Entourage, Season 1, I'll stop by each Blockbuster along the way. I probably won't eat because I'll be too nervous. I'll eat on the way home from the airport, that'll be enough. Keep tummy on the flatter side for 1st time sex with Chris! Oooooooook. Call him when I'm close. 7pmish. Pull into his complex and calm my nerve with a reminder that he adores me. Deep breath, deep breath. Whooooooooooooooo. Ok. I'm also meeting the dogs for the 1st time. Ugh. He's super excited for me to meet the girls...somehow he got the impression that I'm a dog lover. Hmmmm. Why? I can be friendly but do NOT sniff my crotch or lick my feet! Do girl dogs sniff crotches? Who says crotches? Ew.
Ok, he opens the door....aw, he's cuter than I remembered. Always is. He really is adorable and when I don't see him for a couple of days I forget. We hug, my arms on top - always are. That's how we fit. We kiss. And kiss a few more times. I'm thinking no tongue for a little while. Maybe though. We are great kissers together and tend to make out. A lot. But not obnoxiously in public. So far, in public, it's been quite affectionate, but we've managed to wait til the car to make out. Haha. But always, he gives off the vibe that he totally would make out anywhere, if I would. But he's respectful and a gentleman. And actually, when it comes down to it, I don't think he would slip me the tongue in public. I love that he wants to though. He stares just long enough that I know he likes me but short of being creepy. Way short of being creepy. He has a very sweet stare. More like he's interested and wants to know me. Our first (sober) kiss (we were wasted when we met and smooched!) - which I will forever consider our first kiss - was unexpected and perfect. We were in a coffee shop waiting for my latte and I turned around and it just happened. We gracefully collided right there and we both went in for the sweetest kiss at the exact same time. Met in the middle. It was the sweetest thing. How's that for a tangent? Ok....his house. I arrive.
We hug, kiss, meet Sequoia and Selawick, he finishes up doing whatever he was doing and then eventually we cozy up on the couch. I wish it was dark (outside), but it's not quite. I keep my street clothes on and we have to figure out how we fit on his couch together. It's our first time cuddling on the couch. Funnnn. I hope. He's short, but wide. An inch shorter than I am but his shoulders are broader. I had to be behind Adam or he couldn't see the tv. That sucked. I hated it. How will Chris and I put? Ew. Awkward again. Wait - didn't I just say funnn??? Ok, yes. Funnnn. But we'll figure that out. Entourage, Season 1 begins. We love it! Chris CRACKS up - I love love love his laugh! He'll probably try to curb his enthusiasm, as to not yell in my ear or thras around - his laugh is crazy. Awesome. And I'll tell him not to hold back but I'll still notice his chest inflating and he'll be trying to hold it in. Moving right along... Depending on how long Season 1 is, we either get sleepy or it ends and we (one of us) suggests bed. I suggest sleep and he suggests bed, both having the same intentions. It's dark. He wants to turn on the tv ( because he sleeps with it on - ick) and I slyly swoop in and kiss him away from the tv and say something smooth like: "We won't be watching anymore tv tonight, Hot Stuff." Just kidding. But I'll say something to get the tv to stay off. Whew. Darkness. There are lights outside his bedroom window that cast a glow into his room through the slats of his blinds, but just enough - not too much. (I took notice of this the first time I slept there - just in case)
The sex is as we both imagine it will be. Scorpio to Scorpio. Both more giving than taking. Passionate, but not crazy. Sensual, and not boring. Crazy will come, but not the first time or the second. Boring will never come. The stars and planets say so. Oh - and Chris? Not too big, but not too small. I hate both extremes and this will align with most everything else Chris has to offer. This adventure happily comes to an end and we're both sleepily smiling. I thank Chris and he tells me it was all he had hoped for and worth the wait. We sleep. At some point, because I know I will, I slip out of bed and put my mightie back on and go to the bathroom (you know you're supposed to pee after sex!). I slide back into bed, we kiss and go back to sleep. At first light one of us wakes the other one up and we have our first go at morning sex. Different than the night before, but pleasing just the same. I keep my nightie on this time and it's acceptable - this is the only iffy part. I hope it's acceptable. Some people like skin to skin - always. This time I'll totally be on top. Funnnn.
I'm really looking foward to this night/next morning being similar to this journal entry. High expectations? That's the way I roll. No, but really...this is the best case scenario. But I also think it's fairly realistic. Chris and I have been oddly connected since first meeting. He has politely asked me: "Get out of my head!" on more than one occasion. I could be right on here. All but the penis size - I'm not psychic, just intuitive.
How long our morning lasts will depend on whether or not I have a job to go to. Ugh. What a shitty snap back to reality. This will have to be dealt with asap. I'm pissed. Ok - now I've been writing since take off and we're 33 minutes from landing! How funnn! I'm SO glad I stopped in the bookstore to grab this notebook! I'll keep you posted! Sooooooooooon! I promsie!
Ok - now that was yesterday. The night occurred and I'll be honest - I wasn't too far off at all! It was awesome. I'm EXHAUSTED and have to go to bed. I'll write tomorrow with an update. I hope it wasn't too honest for you - it was me writing on paper not ever planning on putting it here so it's a little more blunt. But it's truthful, that's for sure! I'm not rereading - too tired. Sorry for errors, but I'll correct them tomorrow! I'm going to get back into leaving you with a song. Here is the lucky song of the day:
Need Your Space by Jason Vigil (this is who Chris and I went to see on our first date.)
Looking into me a different side you see and you don't mind it, you seem to like it
The crazy things I say, you turn a smile my way, and I don't mind it, in fact I like it
In fact I like it, you
Looking into you and everything you do, oh I like it, do you mind it
The way you look, your eyes, caught me by surprise, and I can't hide it, don't try to fight it
No need to fight it, no
And I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
Need your space
When you look at me I wonder what you see, does it make you happy?
Stunned by a glance, let's give us a chance 'cause you make me happy
And I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
Need your space, need your space, oh love, oh love
I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
Need your space, need your space, need your space
I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
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