Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Side Note:
I bought the JJ Grey and Mofro CD yesterday. LOVE LOVE LOVE most of it! There's this great song about baggage that we bring into new relationships. It's great! Great!
Ugh
That's how I feel today. It's rainy and gloomy and just such a blah day. And on top of that, I'm annoyed that I'm sitting back in Adam's living room. I'm listening to him talk about his fucked up life and be SO proud on the phone with his friend in Texas. WHY!??!?! Why are you so proud that you got pulled over last week when you were high, had two shots in ya, had drugs on you and got away with it?!?!? WHY do you keep telling people that story!?!?!? SSSshhh. Don't be so proud. I'm mortified. And that's not the only story being told this week, and the next story is WAY more humiliating: "How'd you get that black eye?" Why can't he just say - oh, my girlfriend beat me up, hahaha. (I didn't! I swear - but it HAS to sound better than the truth and besides, people would know he was kidding and maybe just blow it off and move on). But no, instead they get the whole: "Well, I got kicked out of a club last week for smoking weed and when they threw me out (literally) I lost my balance as I hit the curb and ran headfirst into a car." Nice. Nice. What am I doing people? Am I following my heart? Is that what this is? Well this is ridiculous. I'm not angry, I'm not freaking out. I'm just adding this to the long list of why it won't work in the end, so why build on it? Why prolong the inevitable? I'm not asking you. Obviously. I'm asking myself - the same question I've been asking myself every day except the day that I decided it would be a good idea to go out to dinner with Adam last Wednesday. I wish I could erase that day. That one day that I was weak and let my heart win the war.
And while I'm venting, listen to what else he did today: We went to lunch together. We went to China Gourmet - a place we've been a BUNCH of times. Every time we go, I get the table and he orders the food - it's a walk up the counter, get your own table kinda place. We each get a soup (he gets hot and sour and I get wonton) and then we split 2 things. He picks - because he knows what I like and he gets some kind of kick out of ordering all the food all the time. Fine with me. Today was a little different. We walked in (I had the baby with me, so I was lugging in all 19 pounds of him in his car seat) and Adam went up to the counter and I went straight to the table. When Adam came to the table he only had his food. He TOTALLY forgot to order me anything. He ordered his food, paid and came and sat down and just looked at me as I silently stared at him. Really? Did you really just do that? Without words he smiled, giggled a little and went back up and ordered. It's not that I need him to do everything for me or even pay for me. But that's what we do - EVERY single time we've ever been there. And yes, you can pay for my lunch - considering I worked for 17 hours straight for you this weekend without compensation, thank you very much.
And the song of the day goes to: Chely Wright. The title is Wouldn't It Be Cool. It actually should say (to be more in line with my life) Won't It Be Cool. And it will be.
Wouldn't it be cool if all the supermodels tried to look like me
And wouldn't it be cool if someone's character was
something you could see
Wouldn't it be cool if I could fly
Get a new perspective from the sky
Ooo wouldn't it be cool
Wouldn't it be cool if I could do long division in my head
Wouldn't it be cool if I didn't have to edit what I said
Wouldn't it be cool if life was fair
When someone says, "I love you" they will always be there
[Wouldn't It Be Cool lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]
If one day you beg and plead for me to take you back
I would be so unaffected I would simply laugh and laugh
Wouldn't it be cool... cool
Wouldn't it be cool if I could catch you at a restaurant with her
And wouldn't it be cool if I was strong enough to muster up the nerve
To tell her all the secrets that we had
Just to see you squirm and feel as bad as I do
Wouldn't it be cool
If one day you beg and plead for me to take you back
I would be so unaffected I would simply laugh and laugh
Wouldn't it be cool... cool
And while I'm venting, listen to what else he did today: We went to lunch together. We went to China Gourmet - a place we've been a BUNCH of times. Every time we go, I get the table and he orders the food - it's a walk up the counter, get your own table kinda place. We each get a soup (he gets hot and sour and I get wonton) and then we split 2 things. He picks - because he knows what I like and he gets some kind of kick out of ordering all the food all the time. Fine with me. Today was a little different. We walked in (I had the baby with me, so I was lugging in all 19 pounds of him in his car seat) and Adam went up to the counter and I went straight to the table. When Adam came to the table he only had his food. He TOTALLY forgot to order me anything. He ordered his food, paid and came and sat down and just looked at me as I silently stared at him. Really? Did you really just do that? Without words he smiled, giggled a little and went back up and ordered. It's not that I need him to do everything for me or even pay for me. But that's what we do - EVERY single time we've ever been there. And yes, you can pay for my lunch - considering I worked for 17 hours straight for you this weekend without compensation, thank you very much.
And the song of the day goes to: Chely Wright. The title is Wouldn't It Be Cool. It actually should say (to be more in line with my life) Won't It Be Cool. And it will be.
Wouldn't it be cool if all the supermodels tried to look like me
And wouldn't it be cool if someone's character was
something you could see
Wouldn't it be cool if I could fly
Get a new perspective from the sky
Ooo wouldn't it be cool
Wouldn't it be cool if I could do long division in my head
Wouldn't it be cool if I didn't have to edit what I said
Wouldn't it be cool if life was fair
When someone says, "I love you" they will always be there
If one day you beg and plead for me to take you back
I would be so unaffected I would simply laugh and laugh
Wouldn't it be cool... cool
Wouldn't it be cool if I could catch you at a restaurant with her
And wouldn't it be cool if I was strong enough to muster up the nerve
To tell her all the secrets that we had
Just to see you squirm and feel as bad as I do
Wouldn't it be cool
If one day you beg and plead for me to take you back
I would be so unaffected I would simply laugh and laugh
Wouldn't it be cool... cool
Sunday, June 10, 2007
It was fun, but I'm glad it's over.
This weekend was filled with lots of things I swore I'd never do (again!), under one big heading: Work For Adam. But it was spontaneous and I had SO much fun doing it. Earlier in the week, when Adam and I started getting along again, I agreed to work the Farmers Market (which is a commitment I made - to stick out the whole season, regardless - over the winter anyway). That wasn't spontaneous - it's just something I've been doing and planning on doing every Saturday morning, because all in all I really enjoy it. It's not working with Adam, so our fighting and breaking up hasn't ever been an issue there. And since Adam and I ARE getting along now, we decided (after the Farmers Market) to go check out the SOBO Festival (South Boulder, get it?). The Stand had a booth there, but neither of us were scheduled to work it, we just decided to see what it was all about - we missed the festival last year (this year was just the 2nd year), and had both heard really good things about it. When we got there it was a nightmare - all the people working The Stand were an unorganized mess - it looked awful, customers were irritated and it was just an all around mess. So, being the two best (fastest and most organized and most like rock stars when in work mode at The Stand, seriously) workers, we jumped in and saved the day. That was at 3pm (the Farmers Market ended at 2pm, so we pretty much went right up there after we finished up) and I stayed, in the same position, until 9:46pm. It was, by far, the BUSIEST it has ever been at a festival for us. We had two lines - an order line and a pick up line - of about 30 people for 6 hours straight. It never stopped. It was the best festival I've ever worked and I had SO much fun! The best part was the music! All day they had live music playing and it was all super good. The last guy on was JJ Grey and Mofro - they ROCKED! I'm telling you - this man was amazing. His voice, his piano playing, and the horns and just their music had EVERYONE boogieing down for the last couple of hours. The night was beautiful here - it was about 74 dgrees, clear skies, no wind, etc. Te was so great that, as exhausted as I was at 9:46pm, when I got to my car to go home and crash I got back out of my car and went back into the festival to hear the rest of their set. And I loved every minute of it. My night didn't end there, however.
I thought, for sure, that I was on my way home to shower and go to sleep for at least 12 hours. I had been on my feet ALL day! Apparently, Adam had a different idea for me. On my way home, I got a phone call from him asking me to go to get more pita bread from the kitchen (at work) and when I got to his freezer I realized there were no pitas. So I went back up to SOBO to grab what we had left over from the day at the festival before they were all packed up over there. 40 pitas. Not good, not good at all. So anyway, I brought him the pitas then I went home. Before I was even done counting the money, still in my work clothes - not even home for 30 mins, Adam called me again: "Can you PLEASEEEEEE go to the grocery store and get another 100 pitas?" Sure. So I did. When I got to The Stand at about 12am, I saw Adam working BY HIMSELF. People, this is crazy because there are usually 3 people working - it gets craaaaaaaaaaazy on the mall at night and there is just no way 1 person can handle it. Needless to say, against all I've ever said about working for or with Adam about NEVER EVER working the night business, I did it. I rolled my sleeves up and hopped on the money belt. It was just absolutely insane. Insane! Serving 200 (mostly) drunk people between midnight and 3am was NUTS! I've been on the other side of it (usually drunk, I'll admit) and thought it was nuts, but this was just nuttier than I ever realized. I will say that the drunk people, most of them anyway, were a lot nicer and more patient than the grumpy people at the Farmers Market. And Adam is a frigin genius - did I mention that yet? I mean, as crappy of a boyfriend he can be, his business kicks ass. How often can you get healthy (see: All Natural Beef, hummus wraps, etc.) on the street at 2am? I've never seen anything like it. And Boulder appreciates "healthy" alternatives to Taco Bell, let me tell ya. People were praising the food, us (the workers) and the idea in general left and right. It was quite a scene. I have a different respect for what he does now, that's for sure. Sometimes I just wish Adam and I could get our shit together and work this out. We made a really good team yesterday and it sucks that we can't figure out the relationship side of it. For the record, I slept until 4pm today. I worked HARD yesterday - a lot harder (physically) than my 9-5, that's for sure. Ahhhh, 12 hours of sleep. It was beautiful!
Because Julie and I are talking about Paris Hilton right now, this is the stupid song I have in my head (no words of wisdom in lyrics today, folks):
Akon
They won't let me out, they won't let me out, (im locked up)
They won't let me out no, they wont let me out, (im locked up)
They won't let me out, they won't let me out, (im locked up)
They won't let me out no, they won't let me out
I thought, for sure, that I was on my way home to shower and go to sleep for at least 12 hours. I had been on my feet ALL day! Apparently, Adam had a different idea for me. On my way home, I got a phone call from him asking me to go to get more pita bread from the kitchen (at work) and when I got to his freezer I realized there were no pitas. So I went back up to SOBO to grab what we had left over from the day at the festival before they were all packed up over there. 40 pitas. Not good, not good at all. So anyway, I brought him the pitas then I went home. Before I was even done counting the money, still in my work clothes - not even home for 30 mins, Adam called me again: "Can you PLEASEEEEEE go to the grocery store and get another 100 pitas?" Sure. So I did. When I got to The Stand at about 12am, I saw Adam working BY HIMSELF. People, this is crazy because there are usually 3 people working - it gets craaaaaaaaaaazy on the mall at night and there is just no way 1 person can handle it. Needless to say, against all I've ever said about working for or with Adam about NEVER EVER working the night business, I did it. I rolled my sleeves up and hopped on the money belt. It was just absolutely insane. Insane! Serving 200 (mostly) drunk people between midnight and 3am was NUTS! I've been on the other side of it (usually drunk, I'll admit) and thought it was nuts, but this was just nuttier than I ever realized. I will say that the drunk people, most of them anyway, were a lot nicer and more patient than the grumpy people at the Farmers Market. And Adam is a frigin genius - did I mention that yet? I mean, as crappy of a boyfriend he can be, his business kicks ass. How often can you get healthy (see: All Natural Beef, hummus wraps, etc.) on the street at 2am? I've never seen anything like it. And Boulder appreciates "healthy" alternatives to Taco Bell, let me tell ya. People were praising the food, us (the workers) and the idea in general left and right. It was quite a scene. I have a different respect for what he does now, that's for sure. Sometimes I just wish Adam and I could get our shit together and work this out. We made a really good team yesterday and it sucks that we can't figure out the relationship side of it. For the record, I slept until 4pm today. I worked HARD yesterday - a lot harder (physically) than my 9-5, that's for sure. Ahhhh, 12 hours of sleep. It was beautiful!
Because Julie and I are talking about Paris Hilton right now, this is the stupid song I have in my head (no words of wisdom in lyrics today, folks):
Akon
They won't let me out, they won't let me out, (im locked up)
They won't let me out no, they wont let me out, (im locked up)
They won't let me out, they won't let me out, (im locked up)
They won't let me out no, they won't let me out
Thursday, June 7, 2007
I'll be better, I promise.
I'm sorry I haven't written. I'll be better about it, I promise. Some of you can probably guess why...I'm not proud. But I'm happier, at least. Does that count? I'm not back together with Adam, but I have caved in and let him back in a couple of times. And we're getting along....for now. I know what you're thinking, and go ahead. Think it. I don't care - ok, I'm lying. But I'm trying not to care. I have to do what I feel like is right for me. Sure, there is a part of me that says HELL NO! DON'T DO IT! And then there's a part of me (a bit smaller part of me, I'll admit it) that says - Eh, what's it gonna hurt..you were sad anyway, (insert my name). At least now you're not sad right now. So do with that what you will...feel sorry for me, go ahead. I know you are, and that's ok. You've all been here, and if you haven't you're one of very few and you will be there someday (hopefully not, but you will.) Ok, enough of that...onto better news!!!! Oh but wait - he's been sweet...do you want to know? Sure you do - this is my blog and I say you want to know - roses, cards, (more) promises (and who is to say for sure that they're empty this time?!?!?) and so on. Ok - better things...
MIKIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mikie Mikie Mikie! Seriously - I am SO excited about this! Ok, when I was little I used to spend summers and holidays in California with my dad. We boarded our horses at this GREAT place called Sunset Corral...BEST childhood ever out there! There was this woman (my dad's age) named Candy who, along with her son Mikie and her dad Bud, boarded her horses right next to ours. We spent LOTS of time with this family - my brother, my dad and I always rode with this family. They were AWESOME! Mikie was a couple of months younger than I was and we just had a ball. And then we moved and they moved and that was that. SO sad. Jesse and my dad and I still talk about them all the time (seriously - more than you would think) because they were a huge part of our lives back then and we have such good memories with them. I even have these old picture albums that I pull out all the time to show people who come over and there are pictures of all of them - there's this one picture of my dad's dog dragging Mikie by biting him on the butt of his jeans. He was the funniest kid - ever! So anyway, moving right along, I got a myspace email:
Hi there...Candy here...If you are the (insert my name) I used to know your dad's name is (insert my dad's name) and your brother's name is (my brother's name). Would love to here how they are doing so let me know if you would like. I knew your family from Redwood Stables in Novato California. I had a big spotted appaloosa named Rocky, a son named Mikie and my dads name was Bud. Hope to hear from you...thanks, Candy
Is she serious?!?! DO I REMEMBER HER?!?!? So, needless to say, I've been emailing back and forth with her AND Mikie! It's so weird - like we never skipped a beat, and it's been 15 years! At least! Mikie and I have been chatting on yahoo every night for the past 4 nights and it just makes me smile the hugest smile. He lives in Boise, Idaho and he works for an airline so he can fly for free - and his mom can fly for free. I'm trying to get them to come out here SOON! They've already agreed, but getting it really planned and all set is another story. You know how that goes. So, that's my fun and exciting news. (by the way - no one calls him Mikie anymore, but I can't shake it.)
On another note, Wesley! Ugh! Ok, Wesley is the baby I nanny for. The LOVE of my life - yes, folks, he rates over all of em! He's been out of town with his parents for the past 2 weeks - today was my first day back. Before he left, he was the sweetest, happiest, most adorable little thing you ever saw! He LOVED me! I've been watching him 5 days a week with 2 overnights a week (approx) since he was 11 days old! We were tight, I'm tellin ya! So wouldn't you know it - the little bugger HATES me! So sad! If he even hears his mom's voice and I'm holding him he wails!!! It's seriously so sad. He looks at me when I'm holding him and his little lower lip curls down and he bawls his eyes out. I don't know what I'm going to do. He's only 4.5 months old - SO young for separation anxiety! Wish me luck that tomorrow goes better. And if it does, I'm sure Monday we'll have to start all over again. My little buddy hates me! Ugh! Ok, I HAVE to get some sleep! This work schedule is NO fun - 8:30-5:30 after two weeks off takes some getting used to. I'll write soon! I promise!!! Don't get too down on me for letting Adam sneak back in a little. Not totally, and not officially. It's just so much easier to NOT be sad all the time. I know I know...the song....
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you're trying to fly, It's sad but sometimes Moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.
But not today. Sorry. Not today.
MIKIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mikie Mikie Mikie! Seriously - I am SO excited about this! Ok, when I was little I used to spend summers and holidays in California with my dad. We boarded our horses at this GREAT place called Sunset Corral...BEST childhood ever out there! There was this woman (my dad's age) named Candy who, along with her son Mikie and her dad Bud, boarded her horses right next to ours. We spent LOTS of time with this family - my brother, my dad and I always rode with this family. They were AWESOME! Mikie was a couple of months younger than I was and we just had a ball. And then we moved and they moved and that was that. SO sad. Jesse and my dad and I still talk about them all the time (seriously - more than you would think) because they were a huge part of our lives back then and we have such good memories with them. I even have these old picture albums that I pull out all the time to show people who come over and there are pictures of all of them - there's this one picture of my dad's dog dragging Mikie by biting him on the butt of his jeans. He was the funniest kid - ever! So anyway, moving right along, I got a myspace email:
Hi there...Candy here...If you are the (insert my name) I used to know your dad's name is (insert my dad's name) and your brother's name is (my brother's name). Would love to here how they are doing so let me know if you would like. I knew your family from Redwood Stables in Novato California. I had a big spotted appaloosa named Rocky, a son named Mikie and my dads name was Bud. Hope to hear from you...thanks, Candy
Is she serious?!?! DO I REMEMBER HER?!?!? So, needless to say, I've been emailing back and forth with her AND Mikie! It's so weird - like we never skipped a beat, and it's been 15 years! At least! Mikie and I have been chatting on yahoo every night for the past 4 nights and it just makes me smile the hugest smile. He lives in Boise, Idaho and he works for an airline so he can fly for free - and his mom can fly for free. I'm trying to get them to come out here SOON! They've already agreed, but getting it really planned and all set is another story. You know how that goes. So, that's my fun and exciting news. (by the way - no one calls him Mikie anymore, but I can't shake it.)
On another note, Wesley! Ugh! Ok, Wesley is the baby I nanny for. The LOVE of my life - yes, folks, he rates over all of em! He's been out of town with his parents for the past 2 weeks - today was my first day back. Before he left, he was the sweetest, happiest, most adorable little thing you ever saw! He LOVED me! I've been watching him 5 days a week with 2 overnights a week (approx) since he was 11 days old! We were tight, I'm tellin ya! So wouldn't you know it - the little bugger HATES me! So sad! If he even hears his mom's voice and I'm holding him he wails!!! It's seriously so sad. He looks at me when I'm holding him and his little lower lip curls down and he bawls his eyes out. I don't know what I'm going to do. He's only 4.5 months old - SO young for separation anxiety! Wish me luck that tomorrow goes better. And if it does, I'm sure Monday we'll have to start all over again. My little buddy hates me! Ugh! Ok, I HAVE to get some sleep! This work schedule is NO fun - 8:30-5:30 after two weeks off takes some getting used to. I'll write soon! I promise!!! Don't get too down on me for letting Adam sneak back in a little. Not totally, and not officially. It's just so much easier to NOT be sad all the time. I know I know...the song....
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you're trying to fly, It's sad but sometimes Moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.
But not today. Sorry. Not today.
Monday, June 4, 2007
Will Power (or the lack of, I should say)
Just an update on the Adam sitch: He called me last night and said: "Well, now I know that you really want me to try to win you back so starting tomorrow that's what I'm going to do. For now I'm getting off the phone and I'll call you tomorrow." I guess that because I got upset about the girl(s) from the dating line that meant that I wanted him to try to win me back. I can see how confusing this must be to him - DON'T CALL ME! WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME!?!? NEVER CALL ME AGAIN - HOW COULD YOU BE TALKING TO OTHER GIRLS!?!?!? The truth of the matter is, I NEED him not to call. I NEED to move on. And I will. It's just hard. Because I still love Adam, it kills me that he's not trying to win me back and he's already talking to other girls. It really really hurts. Way more than I want it to. It's like there are all these things staring me in the face in black and white telling me what a sleaze ball he is and no matter how many times I say it out loud I'm having a hard time actually believing it. Why? I have no idea. Love? I don't know. It's like I still wake up hoping that today is the day that Adam's going to call me and say: "I get it! I'm on my way to rehab and I promise (and this time he would mean it) things will be different!" Clearly, that's never going to happen. So WHY oh WHY do I still think it might? I don't. But I do. It sucks.
And why wouldn't he change his passwords? I mean, seriously! Not only did I tell him that I found the emails from the girls, I also text msgd him last night saying: Please change your passwords so I'm not tempted. He didn't. This morning when I checked his email he had checked the pic of the naked girl and one porn site email and didn't check the email that I sent him before I went to bed. He saw that I had written him an email and he opted for the naked sluts email and not mine. Just another something in black and white that tells me to MOVE ON. Time. It just takes time. That's what everyone keeps telling me. Well I know it's not even been a week, but this sucks. This time thing - how much time? Longer than I week I presume. Ugh. Here it is noon on a beautiful day and I'm STILL in my pjs, sitting on the couch with my computer listening to Today's Country on tv (I brought my tiny bedroom tv to the living room, but it's so small you can't even see the tvguide on the tv from the couch!), because of course the first thing I did when I woke up was check to see if he changed his passwords and here I am. As if I'm stuck. I'm going to motivate RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! Shower first. Then perhaps I'll go check on my lame horse. I'm sure she's not ridable yet, but I'll take her out and brush her and see if she's getting better. I haven't seen her since Friday, so maybe she's all better. Doubtful, but I'm hopeful. Wish me luck with getting through my day without any big todos. Today is my stepfather's bday so I'll be able to have my time occuppied by spending dinner/evening with my family and then I think I'll stay at my mom's tonight. Just to avoid what happened last night. Night seems to be my weakest time. As soon as I'm in for the night I go crazy. Ok, here I go...
And the song of the day is by the Dixie Chicks!
There is no good reason
I should have to be so alone
I'm smothered by this emptiness
Lord I wish I was made of stone
Like I fool I lent my soul to love
And it paid me back in change
God help me
Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?
A heart that's worn and weathered
Would know better than to fight
But I wore mine like a weapon
Played out love like a crime
And it wrung me out and strung me out
And it hung years on my face
God help me
Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?
[Am I The Only One lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]
Now my sense of humor needs a break
I see a shadow in the mirror
And she's laughin' through her tears
One more smile's all I can fake
There is a wound inside me
And it's bleeding like a flood
There's times when I see a light ahead
Hope is not enough
As another night surrounds me
And it pounds me like a wave
God help me
Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?
God help me
Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?
And why wouldn't he change his passwords? I mean, seriously! Not only did I tell him that I found the emails from the girls, I also text msgd him last night saying: Please change your passwords so I'm not tempted. He didn't. This morning when I checked his email he had checked the pic of the naked girl and one porn site email and didn't check the email that I sent him before I went to bed. He saw that I had written him an email and he opted for the naked sluts email and not mine. Just another something in black and white that tells me to MOVE ON. Time. It just takes time. That's what everyone keeps telling me. Well I know it's not even been a week, but this sucks. This time thing - how much time? Longer than I week I presume. Ugh. Here it is noon on a beautiful day and I'm STILL in my pjs, sitting on the couch with my computer listening to Today's Country on tv (I brought my tiny bedroom tv to the living room, but it's so small you can't even see the tvguide on the tv from the couch!), because of course the first thing I did when I woke up was check to see if he changed his passwords and here I am. As if I'm stuck. I'm going to motivate RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! Shower first. Then perhaps I'll go check on my lame horse. I'm sure she's not ridable yet, but I'll take her out and brush her and see if she's getting better. I haven't seen her since Friday, so maybe she's all better. Doubtful, but I'm hopeful. Wish me luck with getting through my day without any big todos. Today is my stepfather's bday so I'll be able to have my time occuppied by spending dinner/evening with my family and then I think I'll stay at my mom's tonight. Just to avoid what happened last night. Night seems to be my weakest time. As soon as I'm in for the night I go crazy. Ok, here I go...
There is no good reason
I should have to be so alone
I'm smothered by this emptiness
Lord I wish I was made of stone
Like I fool I lent my soul to love
And it paid me back in change
God help me
Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?
A heart that's worn and weathered
Would know better than to fight
But I wore mine like a weapon
Played out love like a crime
And it wrung me out and strung me out
And it hung years on my face
God help me
Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?
Now my sense of humor needs a break
I see a shadow in the mirror
And she's laughin' through her tears
One more smile's all I can fake
There is a wound inside me
And it's bleeding like a flood
There's times when I see a light ahead
Hope is not enough
As another night surrounds me
And it pounds me like a wave
God help me
Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?
God help me
Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?
Sunday, June 3, 2007
WHY!?!?!??!?!??!
Ok, first things first: I saw "Knocked Up" tonight! BEST MOVIE! BEST!
On another note, FUCKING ADAM! I HATE HIS CREEPY LITTLE GUTS! He didn't call me all day - fine. I asked him not to. BUT that is so not like Adam. He calls all the time! Of course, he didn't call me b/c Seth was there - Seth is one of Adam's friends that I DESPISE! And he despises me too. We can be the only two in a room and we will both totally pretend no one else is in the room just so we don't have to make eye contact or say hi. He is a piece of shit - a total piece of shit. He lies and lies and lies and Adam has caught him in lies and he's STILL one of his best friends. One time he worked for Adam and stole $600 - Adam didn't even have the balls to call Seth and ask him where the money went. Seth apparently has a conscience because he called 2 days later and told Adam he got home and realized he had $600 extra in his pocket! OH RIGHT! Anyway, I'm a snoop - in case you didn't know. I checked Adam's email today and there was an email from 5:52am from princesskellie97@aol.com. It was a naked picture of herself that she sent from her blackberry. Classy. So please please please(!!!!!!) tell me why I'm still crying (ok, the flood gates opened about 20 minutes ago!) over this fucking loser?!?!?! Please! He is such a fucking scum bag! He called me at 4:30am and asked to come over. When I said no, he got on his sleazy little dating line and found some chick (one that I know, but most likely more I'm guessing!) to email him a naked picture of herself. Ew. EWWWWWWW!!! Well, of course, I couldn't bite my tongue and I called him right up and told him what a low-life he is, so I'm sure he's changing his passwords as we speak. Thank GOD I can't snoop. I can't control my snooping the same way Adam can't control his weed smoking, apparently! I hate that I was crying to him over this - I'm sure, despite what I'm saying to him at the time, he realizes the power he has over me when I'm sobbing like a fucking baby!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! I told him that despite my tears, I'm really really glad he does stuff like this because EVENTUALLY it has to sink in that he is such a loser! SUCH a loser! Seriously - and then I hear fucking Seth giggle in the background. Did I mention that Seth has been arrested TWICE for rape?!?! Nice guy. I'm really glad that all of this is happening and I'm really glad that I'm telling everyone about it because you can ALL encourage me to never speak to him again in my moments of weakness. PLEASE. All of you - feel free to remind me of what a scumbag Adam is for the rest of my life. Please. Sleazy, classless, cowardly, dishonest, untrustworthy (redundant, I know), stoned, flakey, unreliable. That's all that comes to mind right now, but I'm sure I'll think of more! And I'm NOT rereading this either. I forgot to add song lyrics last time. Oops.
(although Adam hasn't actually cheated - that I know of - the way she belts out this song is appropriate! Go Carrie!)
I DUG MY KEY INTO THE SIDE OF HIS PRETTY LITTLE SUPED UP 4WHL DRV
CARVED MY NAME INTO HIS LEATHER SEATS
TOOK A LOUISVILLE SLUGGER TO BOTH HEADLIGHTS
SLASHED A WHOLE IN ALL FOUR TIRES
MAYBE NEXT TIME HE'LL THINK BEFORE HEEEEEEE CHEATS
I MIGHTA SAVED A LITTLE TROUBLE FOR THE NEXT GIRL....
On another note, FUCKING ADAM! I HATE HIS CREEPY LITTLE GUTS! He didn't call me all day - fine. I asked him not to. BUT that is so not like Adam. He calls all the time! Of course, he didn't call me b/c Seth was there - Seth is one of Adam's friends that I DESPISE! And he despises me too. We can be the only two in a room and we will both totally pretend no one else is in the room just so we don't have to make eye contact or say hi. He is a piece of shit - a total piece of shit. He lies and lies and lies and Adam has caught him in lies and he's STILL one of his best friends. One time he worked for Adam and stole $600 - Adam didn't even have the balls to call Seth and ask him where the money went. Seth apparently has a conscience because he called 2 days later and told Adam he got home and realized he had $600 extra in his pocket! OH RIGHT! Anyway, I'm a snoop - in case you didn't know. I checked Adam's email today and there was an email from 5:52am from princesskellie97@aol.com. It was a naked picture of herself that she sent from her blackberry. Classy. So please please please(!!!!!!) tell me why I'm still crying (ok, the flood gates opened about 20 minutes ago!) over this fucking loser?!?!?! Please! He is such a fucking scum bag! He called me at 4:30am and asked to come over. When I said no, he got on his sleazy little dating line and found some chick (one that I know, but most likely more I'm guessing!) to email him a naked picture of herself. Ew. EWWWWWWW!!! Well, of course, I couldn't bite my tongue and I called him right up and told him what a low-life he is, so I'm sure he's changing his passwords as we speak. Thank GOD I can't snoop. I can't control my snooping the same way Adam can't control his weed smoking, apparently! I hate that I was crying to him over this - I'm sure, despite what I'm saying to him at the time, he realizes the power he has over me when I'm sobbing like a fucking baby!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! I told him that despite my tears, I'm really really glad he does stuff like this because EVENTUALLY it has to sink in that he is such a loser! SUCH a loser! Seriously - and then I hear fucking Seth giggle in the background. Did I mention that Seth has been arrested TWICE for rape?!?! Nice guy. I'm really glad that all of this is happening and I'm really glad that I'm telling everyone about it because you can ALL encourage me to never speak to him again in my moments of weakness. PLEASE. All of you - feel free to remind me of what a scumbag Adam is for the rest of my life. Please. Sleazy, classless, cowardly, dishonest, untrustworthy (redundant, I know), stoned, flakey, unreliable. That's all that comes to mind right now, but I'm sure I'll think of more! And I'm NOT rereading this either. I forgot to add song lyrics last time. Oops.
(although Adam hasn't actually cheated - that I know of - the way she belts out this song is appropriate! Go Carrie!)
I DUG MY KEY INTO THE SIDE OF HIS PRETTY LITTLE SUPED UP 4WHL DRV
CARVED MY NAME INTO HIS LEATHER SEATS
TOOK A LOUISVILLE SLUGGER TO BOTH HEADLIGHTS
SLASHED A WHOLE IN ALL FOUR TIRES
MAYBE NEXT TIME HE'LL THINK BEFORE HEEEEEEE CHEATS
I MIGHTA SAVED A LITTLE TROUBLE FOR THE NEXT GIRL....
What a Day!!!
It was a good day, indeed. It's not over yet...
Today I woke up a little bit grumpy - going out and drinking didn't turn out too terribly, but all in all I wish I hadn't done it. I had a good time dancing the night away with Debra at Round Midnight, but then a trip to the Stand and forgetting my house keys when going home, etc. just didn't make for a great ending. The good news is that Adam called me at 4:30am asking to come over and I said: "NO WAY!" It felt good. I meant it, too. And, for the record, still no tears. WHEW! But back to today... My mom came to Boulder and spent the entire day gardening at my house! It was great! We weeded, raked, and planted the prettiest little flowers in 3 different flower beds all in the entry way to my apartment. It looks absolutely adorable!!!! I live in the basement of a million dollar home and my entrance/garden area looks nicer than the home owner's! They love it, too, I might add. If my camera hadn't broken I would take a picture to show you all. AND my mom helped me get started on putting things on my walls - yes, people, I've lived here for 6 months and haven't hung a single thing on the walls. It's a sin, I know. But it's looking better now, that's for sure. I have a mirror collage started on my living room walls, and it's a lot of fun. Now I just need more little mirros - square edges only. I've decided not to mix and round mirrors in. I'll take pics if I get a new camera (or figure out how to fix my old one). I'm also looking around for a new comforter for my bedroom...I have all black now and I need something brighter. I'm over the sophisticated look. I want pink or bright blue or green! Something vibrant!!! Ahhhhh... it feels good to be getting my shit together now that I'm single and all. I think it's really important to LOVE my space and I'm getting closer and closer to that point. My apartment really is nice, I just need to make it a little homier, if ya know what I mean. Funnnnnnnnnnnnnn! (I'm not rereading this, so if there are mistakes I'll have to fix them later!)
Today I woke up a little bit grumpy - going out and drinking didn't turn out too terribly, but all in all I wish I hadn't done it. I had a good time dancing the night away with Debra at Round Midnight, but then a trip to the Stand and forgetting my house keys when going home, etc. just didn't make for a great ending. The good news is that Adam called me at 4:30am asking to come over and I said: "NO WAY!" It felt good. I meant it, too. And, for the record, still no tears. WHEW! But back to today... My mom came to Boulder and spent the entire day gardening at my house! It was great! We weeded, raked, and planted the prettiest little flowers in 3 different flower beds all in the entry way to my apartment. It looks absolutely adorable!!!! I live in the basement of a million dollar home and my entrance/garden area looks nicer than the home owner's! They love it, too, I might add. If my camera hadn't broken I would take a picture to show you all. AND my mom helped me get started on putting things on my walls - yes, people, I've lived here for 6 months and haven't hung a single thing on the walls. It's a sin, I know. But it's looking better now, that's for sure. I have a mirror collage started on my living room walls, and it's a lot of fun. Now I just need more little mirros - square edges only. I've decided not to mix and round mirrors in. I'll take pics if I get a new camera (or figure out how to fix my old one). I'm also looking around for a new comforter for my bedroom...I have all black now and I need something brighter. I'm over the sophisticated look. I want pink or bright blue or green! Something vibrant!!! Ahhhhh... it feels good to be getting my shit together now that I'm single and all. I think it's really important to LOVE my space and I'm getting closer and closer to that point. My apartment really is nice, I just need to make it a little homier, if ya know what I mean. Funnnnnnnnnnnnnn! (I'm not rereading this, so if there are mistakes I'll have to fix them later!)
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