Bad Idea

Today absolutely sucked. No other way to put it. I showed up 2 hours late, kind of on purpose (wasn't sure if going was a good idea, so I kind of waited it out until Lynette and Tiffany convinced me: "You must move on and take this step, Nissa." Of course Adam was there - front and center. I instantly could tell I was going to burst into tears so I casually turned myself around and walked the other way - right smack into his twin brother. Fun. He just took one look at me and said: "Walk it off, baby girl, walk it off." Fair enough - and I did. After a small walk away, I went back into the party and got myself a paper cup of red wine....aaaaaahh. I returned Adam's smile from a distance and kept my *fake* smile planted on my face for a solid hour, tears intermittently sneaking there way out of my eyes (thank goodness for dark sunglasses). Adam eventually came over and said hello and gave me an awkward hug. Ugh. And then he asked me to go for a walk. Dumb. I said yes. Ugh. I'm KICKING myself. Adam's intentions were to sneak in a quickie in the woods - not so fast, Buster. Instead, it turned into a relationship discussion- you know the one. The one that totally FLOORS you and makes you feel as dumb as you've ever felt - that one. Adam started in with how happy he's been since I broke up with him and how he's never felt so "unjudged" in all his life. He can come and go as he pleases, he can smoke as much pot as he wants, he can shave his chest, take off his shirt flex his muscles and work out for hours without ever having to answer the phone to someone saying: "Why haven't you spent the night with me in so long?" That, I guess, is me on the other end of the phone - crazy for wanting to spend 1 or 2 nights a week with my boyfriend. The pressure - it's gone from his shoulders and he is a free man. All I could do was cry. Not sob, not even whine. Just tears - they wouldn't stop. I just looked at him and said: "I know. The worst thing in the world is when someone likes and loves you so much that they want to spend the night with you once in a while." He was speechless at that for about 20 seconds and then kissed me on the cheek and realized how mean what he had said was. All I could do was stand up and walk away. Stunned. He later found me on his way out and told me that he was sorry for making me cry, kissed me on the cheek and asked me if he could call me. I couldn't answer. I just turned away. Fun. What a fun day. Oh - and Mikie. Ugh...

I had a fantastic time with Mikie - we drove to the mountains (Vail), we hung out in Lodo, we spent hours upon hours with Belle (bathing her, riding her and just having a good old time out there!), we saw great music, we laughed and talked and laughed. NO CHEMISTRY whatsoever - romantic chemistry, that is. Today, as I was dropping Mikie off, I just knew it was coming...I'm not tooting my horn, I could just feel it in my bones!
Mikie: So....
(Nissa's thoughts: NO NO NO PLEASE DON'T SAY IT!!!)
Mikie: I don't want to ruin anything here, but if we should ever find ourselves on a romantic cruise somewhere, you should know I still have a pretty huge crush on you...
Nissa: *nervous giggle* hahaha - Oh, Mikie. Hahaha. Oooooooook. Have a great flight! Bye!

AAAAAAhhhhhhhhhh! WHY!?!?!? And it was going to be so fun to have him back in my life as a friend. I hope I can get past this weirdness that I let that one sentence create! UGH UGH UGH a thousand times today, all around.