Will Power (or the lack of, I should say)

Just an update on the Adam sitch: He called me last night and said: "Well, now I know that you really want me to try to win you back so starting tomorrow that's what I'm going to do. For now I'm getting off the phone and I'll call you tomorrow." I guess that because I got upset about the girl(s) from the dating line that meant that I wanted him to try to win me back. I can see how confusing this must be to him - DON'T CALL ME! WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME!?!? NEVER CALL ME AGAIN - HOW COULD YOU BE TALKING TO OTHER GIRLS!?!?!? The truth of the matter is, I NEED him not to call. I NEED to move on. And I will. It's just hard. Because I still love Adam, it kills me that he's not trying to win me back and he's already talking to other girls. It really really hurts. Way more than I want it to. It's like there are all these things staring me in the face in black and white telling me what a sleaze ball he is and no matter how many times I say it out loud I'm having a hard time actually believing it. Why? I have no idea. Love? I don't know. It's like I still wake up hoping that today is the day that Adam's going to call me and say: "I get it! I'm on my way to rehab and I promise (and this time he would mean it) things will be different!" Clearly, that's never going to happen. So WHY oh WHY do I still think it might? I don't. But I do. It sucks.

And why wouldn't he change his passwords? I mean, seriously! Not only did I tell him that I found the emails from the girls, I also text msgd him last night saying: Please change your passwords so I'm not tempted. He didn't. This morning when I checked his email he had checked the pic of the naked girl and one porn site email and didn't check the email that I sent him before I went to bed. He saw that I had written him an email and he opted for the naked sluts email and not mine. Just another something in black and white that tells me to MOVE ON. Time. It just takes time. That's what everyone keeps telling me. Well I know it's not even been a week, but this sucks. This time thing - how much time? Longer than I week I presume. Ugh. Here it is noon on a beautiful day and I'm STILL in my pjs, sitting on the couch with my computer listening to Today's Country on tv (I brought my tiny bedroom tv to the living room, but it's so small you can't even see the tvguide on the tv from the couch!), because of course the first thing I did when I woke up was check to see if he changed his passwords and here I am. As if I'm stuck. I'm going to motivate RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! Shower first. Then perhaps I'll go check on my lame horse. I'm sure she's not ridable yet, but I'll take her out and brush her and see if she's getting better. I haven't seen her since Friday, so maybe she's all better. Doubtful, but I'm hopeful. Wish me luck with getting through my day without any big todos. Today is my stepfather's bday so I'll be able to have my time occuppied by spending dinner/evening with my family and then I think I'll stay at my mom's tonight. Just to avoid what happened last night. Night seems to be my weakest time. As soon as I'm in for the night I go crazy. Ok, here I go...

And the song of the day is by the Dixie Chicks!

There is no good reason
I should have to be so alone
I'm smothered by this emptiness
Lord I wish I was made of stone
Like I fool I lent my soul to love
And it paid me back in change
God help me
Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?


A heart that's worn and weathered
Would know better than to fight
But I wore mine like a weapon
Played out love like a crime
And it wrung me out and strung me out
And it hung years on my face
God help me
Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?


[Am I The Only One lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

Now my sense of humor needs a break
I see a shadow in the mirror
And she's laughin' through her tears
One more smile's all I can fake


There is a wound inside me
And it's bleeding like a flood
There's times when I see a light ahead
Hope is not enough
As another night surrounds me
And it pounds me like a wave
God help me
Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?

God help me
Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?

WHY!?!?!??!?!??!

Ok, first things first: I saw "Knocked Up" tonight! BEST MOVIE! BEST!

On another note, FUCKING ADAM! I HATE HIS CREEPY LITTLE GUTS! He didn't call me all day - fine. I asked him not to. BUT that is so not like Adam. He calls all the time! Of course, he didn't call me b/c Seth was there - Seth is one of Adam's friends that I DESPISE! And he despises me too. We can be the only two in a room and we will both totally pretend no one else is in the room just so we don't have to make eye contact or say hi. He is a piece of shit - a total piece of shit. He lies and lies and lies and Adam has caught him in lies and he's STILL one of his best friends. One time he worked for Adam and stole $600 - Adam didn't even have the balls to call Seth and ask him where the money went. Seth apparently has a conscience because he called 2 days later and told Adam he got home and realized he had $600 extra in his pocket! OH RIGHT! Anyway, I'm a snoop - in case you didn't know. I checked Adam's email today and there was an email from 5:52am from princesskellie97@aol.com. It was a naked picture of herself that she sent from her blackberry. Classy. So please please please(!!!!!!) tell me why I'm still crying (ok, the flood gates opened about 20 minutes ago!) over this fucking loser?!?!?! Please! He is such a fucking scum bag! He called me at 4:30am and asked to come over. When I said no, he got on his sleazy little dating line and found some chick (one that I know, but most likely more I'm guessing!) to email him a naked picture of herself. Ew. EWWWWWWW!!! Well, of course, I couldn't bite my tongue and I called him right up and told him what a low-life he is, so I'm sure he's changing his passwords as we speak. Thank GOD I can't snoop. I can't control my snooping the same way Adam can't control his weed smoking, apparently! I hate that I was crying to him over this - I'm sure, despite what I'm saying to him at the time, he realizes the power he has over me when I'm sobbing like a fucking baby!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! I told him that despite my tears, I'm really really glad he does stuff like this because EVENTUALLY it has to sink in that he is such a loser! SUCH a loser! Seriously - and then I hear fucking Seth giggle in the background. Did I mention that Seth has been arrested TWICE for rape?!?! Nice guy. I'm really glad that all of this is happening and I'm really glad that I'm telling everyone about it because you can ALL encourage me to never speak to him again in my moments of weakness. PLEASE. All of you - feel free to remind me of what a scumbag Adam is for the rest of my life. Please. Sleazy, classless, cowardly, dishonest, untrustworthy (redundant, I know), stoned, flakey, unreliable. That's all that comes to mind right now, but I'm sure I'll think of more! And I'm NOT rereading this either. I forgot to add song lyrics last time. Oops.

(although Adam hasn't actually cheated - that I know of - the way she belts out this song is appropriate! Go Carrie!)

I DUG MY KEY INTO THE SIDE OF HIS PRETTY LITTLE SUPED UP 4WHL DRV
CARVED MY NAME INTO HIS LEATHER SEATS
TOOK A LOUISVILLE SLUGGER TO BOTH HEADLIGHTS
SLASHED A WHOLE IN ALL FOUR TIRES
MAYBE NEXT TIME HE'LL THINK BEFORE HEEEEEEE CHEATS

I MIGHTA SAVED A LITTLE TROUBLE FOR THE NEXT GIRL....

What a Day!!!

It was a good day, indeed. It's not over yet...

Today I woke up a little bit grumpy - going out and drinking didn't turn out too terribly, but all in all I wish I hadn't done it. I had a good time dancing the night away with Debra at Round Midnight, but then a trip to the Stand and forgetting my house keys when going home, etc. just didn't make for a great ending. The good news is that Adam called me at 4:30am asking to come over and I said: "NO WAY!" It felt good. I meant it, too. And, for the record, still no tears. WHEW! But back to today... My mom came to Boulder and spent the entire day gardening at my house! It was great! We weeded, raked, and planted the prettiest little flowers in 3 different flower beds all in the entry way to my apartment. It looks absolutely adorable!!!! I live in the basement of a million dollar home and my entrance/garden area looks nicer than the home owner's! They love it, too, I might add. If my camera hadn't broken I would take a picture to show you all. AND my mom helped me get started on putting things on my walls - yes, people, I've lived here for 6 months and haven't hung a single thing on the walls. It's a sin, I know. But it's looking better now, that's for sure. I have a mirror collage started on my living room walls, and it's a lot of fun. Now I just need more little mirros - square edges only. I've decided not to mix and round mirrors in. I'll take pics if I get a new camera (or figure out how to fix my old one). I'm also looking around for a new comforter for my bedroom...I have all black now and I need something brighter. I'm over the sophisticated look. I want pink or bright blue or green! Something vibrant!!! Ahhhhh... it feels good to be getting my shit together now that I'm single and all. I think it's really important to LOVE my space and I'm getting closer and closer to that point. My apartment really is nice, I just need to make it a little homier, if ya know what I mean. Funnnnnnnnnnnnnn! (I'm not rereading this, so if there are mistakes I'll have to fix them later!)

To Drink or Not to Drink??? ...Drink!

So, my friends have been very supportive and doing their best to comfort me and keep me busy during this break up. I haven't really been too keen on taking anyone up on any of their offers - just been trying to ride and sort of find peace within, so to speak. Two different groups of friends had invited me to go out (drinking) in Denver and I declined both offers, because I really don't think drinking when on the verge of any kind of breakdown is smart. I thought about joining them and not drinking, but that doesn't sound like fun either - especially now. What a downer I'd be. Not that I'm moping around all the time, but I'm sure if I went out with some friends and stayed sober with a bunch of tipsy people I'd be the downer, for sure. See? Sure appeared twice in that sentence. So anyway, I had dinner with Debra and we knew the bartender - we got free margs (1 each)...uh oh. It started. I am one margarita in and I figured: "Eh, what the heck. It's not that I'm getting drunk, I'm at dinner having a drink. Very different than going out drinking." Right? Yes, says Debra. So we have our drink and head our separate ways, for she is going out in Denver and I'm not. I'm headed home. To do what, I have no idea (since my tv died in WWIII that Adam and I had here Monday night) and reading isn't sounding good on 1 very strong margarita. Debra calls... "We're going out in Boulder, if that makes any difference," she says. Why, yes, Debra. It makes a big difference. Meet me at my house in 20 mins and let's go out! So now I'm just sitting here (texting with Kelly) and waiting for Debra to come get me so we can go out - DRINKING! Wish me luck!!!! I realize this is probably very very dumb, considering Adam works the late night stand in Boulder which is RIGHT where I'll be come late night. Yeeeeeeoooooooooooo! And for the record, I still have not shed a tear this time around - since the break up. I'm scared of what might happen when the first tear falls, but until then....

please refer to my previous post of:

Big Girls Don't Cry!!!!!

Kind of a cop out, I know. But the marg and all... Cut me some slack. AND, the song is appropriate!

Ay Ay Ay

On my way home from babysitting I stopped at Sonic - I'm addicted to Cherry Limeade...so I thought. There aren't any Sonics in Boulder, but there is one on my way home from where Belle stays, so I've been stopping (only 3 times in the past 3 months) from time to time. Not only did I order a Cherry Limeade, I also saw the Sonic Blast (just like a blizzard or flurry if you're familiar with Holy Cow) and had to get BOTH! I took one sip of the Cherry Limeade and realized I liked STRAWBERRY Limeade, not Cherry. Then, I took a couple of bites of the blast and it just didn't taste right. So, I was about to be very very bad by the way of diet and it didn't turn out that way at all. Woohoo! I did however, have a cigarette today. I'm sure I won't be a smoker ever again, but I sure have been enjoying a cigarette here and there for the past few days. Ah...Nyquil. I'm full of bad habits, aren't I? Geesh. Beth said it's OK, and if Beth says it's OK, it IS! I am supposed to be doing whatever I want for these next few weeks - hahaha! Ok, maybe she said next few days. It's only been 3 days - 2 FULL days, actually. We broke up Wednesday and Friday is just ending (thanks to Nyquil!). Good night. Wish me luck with Noah tomorrow - little shit that he can be. Gotta love him though, and that's the truth!

Oh no - ironically, I have It's Not Over by Daughtry in my head. Here goes....

It's not over.... It's not over..... It's not over.... (that's all I know) But it really is over, actually.

Ps - I think I'm having way too much fun with this blog.

Belle of the Ball is lame

She seriously is though. Belle (the horse I lease and ride 3-5 times/wk) got her feet done (that means her hooves got trimmed by the farrier) on Wednesday and is limping around and appears to be very very sore. It totally sucks. For her and for me - riding has been a great source of therapy for me and if Belle is lame, that means I can't ride. Ugh. I miss it! It's only been 3 days, but STILL! I have no idea how long this will go on, but i NEED her to be better. Tomorrow. I really want to ride!!! I only have 5 days left of my little vacation and I'm starting to panic that I didn't take full advantage of having work off! Tomorrow, I'll sit and bask in the sun at the Country Club, Sunday my mom is coming over to help me (ok, to actually do it FOR me) plant flowers in my yard and bond - she loves to bond, that mother of mine. Monday, I'm going to Denver with Alex to the "Z" cafe that she's been trying to find for a month now, and Tuesday and Wednesday aren't spoken for yet. Thursday Wesley is home!!!! Bittersweet. No more vacation, but at least I get to squish the little shmooky shmook. I'm sure he will have grown SO much in the 13 days he was in Italy!!! What a lucky little 4 month old - Italy for 13 days! Anyway, I'd like to ride every single day until Thursday! I don't know if that will happen, if little miss Belle doesn't get better. They say it's common for a horse to be sore after having her feet done - the problem with Belle is that her feet were a MESS and WAY grown out before she had them done. It's basically just like us - if we get new shoes that don't fit perfectly our feet our sore. But she's 1200 pounds and it might just take her a little longer to get used to her "new feet." BUT COME ON ALREADY! In addition to me not being able to ride, I have to drive 30 mins each way to find out if she's still sore- I have to get her out of her stall, pick her feet and then put her in the round pen and get her trotting to be able to tell. Usually (today she was so sore that I could tell right away, before she even got into the round pen). It can really be a waste of time to drive 30 mins just to find out that she's not ready to be ridden and then turn around and drive 30 mins back home. Ugh.

Ok, what song should I leave off with? Well, Kelly (my best friend - I'm sure you'll hear PLENTY of her on this thing - she lives in Rhode Island, fyi) sent me an email when she heard (ok, read - I had her read my blog to get the update on my life rather than telling her - I KNEW she was going to flip out - and she did - so I didn't really want to have the conversation with her. She's scary. Hahaha. Her response was by text first and it said: U R DONE. ENOUGH. THAT'S IT! NO MORE CHANCES!) the news. It was the song Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie. So here are the lyrics. I watched the video on youtube. I like the song - hadn't ever heard it. Thanks, Kel!

Big Girls Don't Cry...

The smell of your skin lingers on me, now
You're probably on your flight back to your hometown
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
Be with myself in center, clarity, peace, serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses that blanket
But I've gotta get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry, Don't cry, Don't cry

The path that I'm walking, I must go alone
I must take the baby steps till I'm full grown, full grown
Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I forsee the dark ahead if I stay

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses that blanket
[Big Girls Don't Cry lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

But I've gotta get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like a little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and UNO cards
I'll be your best friend
And you'll be mine, valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'cause I wanna hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself in center, clarity, peace, serenity yeah

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've gotta get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry, Don't cry, Don't cry
da da da da da da

What a difference a day makes

So... today is not quite as good as the yesterday, in terms of how I'm coping with the break up. Ugh. I woke up feeling genuinely sad. Not mad, not happy, not anything else. Just sad. I hate being sad. The good thing is that I've been sleeping through the night (thanks to Nyquil) for the past 3 nights! That is key because usually (before we actually broke up) I've been waking up between 3-5am and calling Adam - more or less to check on him when it comes right down to it. We'd usually chat for a few minutes and then I'd toss and turn and not be able to fall back to sleep because I'd be too concerned with whether or not he was lying about not getting high (turns out he was) and whether or not he was calling the "dating line" (turns out he was). I'm not sure how long I'll take Nyquil - I was kind of raised on it. My grandmother takes it every night before bed and she let me do the same as a kid. Looking back, that's pretty fucked up. Either way, I'm sure that's why I LOVE Nyquil so much now. If I ever have even the slightest runny nose or sore throat, Nyquil to the rescue! A broken heart and wanting a good night's sleep has proven to be reason enough for one big swig as well. Enough about sleep...

So I woke up today and went and met Debra for coffee and granola at Spruce Confections - BEST granola ever, ps. After that, I decided I'd do the dreaded deed of visiting with Carole - Adam's mom. Carole and I have become very close since I started dating Adam and we usually have coffee 4 or 5 times a week. Before this morning, I hadn't even talked to her since we broke up. I knew she was dying inside to talk to me, but being respectful of my space. I decided that 3 days was enough space. When I knocked on the door and she called out: "Who's there??" and I answered: "Nissa," she said: "Oh no! Nissa? Are you gonna kill me? Is it safe?" Hahaha - if you know Carole, that is very funny. She can be funny sometimes. She, of course, was casually throwing it back at me that I beat her son up a couple of days earlier. When she opened the door she hugged me so tightly for a longggggggg time. It was sad. She told me she's been so depressed and missed me so much. Carole is the type of person to take on this break up as if it were her own. She is so upset that she can't come back to my hometown with me and spend the week with my family (I told her she still could but it might be a little weird), she's upset about the whole thing. The whole break up. She really thought (and so did most people, I think) we would be able to stick it out. I didn't really want anyone to know that I was visiting Carole - I guess I thought it was a sign of weakness. I'm always caving in around Adam and our break ups and I didn't want people to start rolling their eyes quite yet. But, of course, that didn't happen. Ten'E'yck (one of Adam's oldest childhood friends) stopped over and when he walked in the door he said: "Oh, Nissa's at your mom's house." He, of course, was on the phone with Rob, Adam's twin brother. Needless to say, the cat was out of the bag. So although I'm glad I got it over with and hung out with Carole, it also added to the sadness. She asked me a lot if I thought we'd get back together. I told her no, that our time had expired. She definitely doesn't believe me, and I'm sure most people don't. I don't even know if I fully believe me. I think I should stay broken up with Adam. I really do. But there's a lot of for now thoughts going through my mind. I think that if he goes to rehab, I'll probably get back with him - but then there's the whole dating line thing, too. Why would he continue to get on the dating line (and people, keep in mind that he has done this all 3 times that we have broken up, within hours of the break up conversation) if he wanted this relationship to work? It's like he doesn't want to deal with any kind of loss at all. Any kind of rejection sends him to numb his feelings with (more) weed and attention from girls. He says things like: "What was I supposed to do???? You stormed off all mad and you were going to break up with me!" Um, how about call ME to apologize, rather than hopping on the dating line. And the Denver dating line is SO sleazy - it's "Live Links" - creeeeeeepy. He's not actually met anyone (other than his girlfriend before me that he dated for 2 years!) from Live Links - he just seems to like the conversation (so he says). Ok, ok. I'm stalling....

When I left Carole's house, I went and had lunch with my dad and then...(I cringe as I type this) I did it. I came up with every excuse I could (in my own mind, to myself) and I just pulled right up and parked in front of Adam's and walked right up and knocked on the door. Ugh. WHY?!?!?!? Because I was sad and weak and pathetic! I woke him up (obviously, because it was only 1pm and Adam doesn't get up before then unless he's forced to), telling him that I needed to get my printer - pathetic. My dad did ask me to print out some things from a disk he gave me for his portfolio and because my dad did buy me my computer and printer, I felt obligated to help him out, but still. I didn't have to drive straight to Adam's and pick up my printer. It was fine and uneventful, but all it did was make me even sadder than I already was. So I did what a depressed and broken hearted fool would do...went home and napped my afternoon away. I thought I might wake up in a better mood. No such luck. So here I sit, checking my phone for sporadic text msgs from Adam (which he has been sending off and on for the past couple of hours) and watching Charlotte's Web (I'm babysitting) and typing to you. Tomorrow MUST be a better day - I have Emma and Noah. I think we'll go to the Country Club if the weather is nice and hang out at the pool. Tomorrow is a big festival and the farmers market - both things that usually occupy my weekends. It will be my first Saturday off in months - could be tough, but hopefully the kids will keep me busy. I hate being so bummed. Tomorrow WILL be better, folks. Think happy think happy think happy think happy. What a boring post. Sorry. I'm going to put up another blog, a separate one that isn't about my stupid broken heart. This is so dull and boring. I have lots of little things to catch you up on, since I just started writing yesterday. I think I want to end all my blogs with some of my favorite song lyrics. What do you think? Should that be my tradition? I think so. Kind of like Ellen dancing on her show. Ok, hmmm....

More Carrie Underwood? Blue October? Oooooooh - how about Beyonce?

...
So since I'm not your everything, how about I'll be nothing, nothing at all to you...