Well, that's not working for me. I can't just keep writing for an hour every night until I catch you all up. I'm going to give you some high lights to get you caught up so I can start blogging my current situation. I hate catch up. Oooooooooook. Here goes...
This is basically how the last few weeks have gone:
Chris is great. He showers me with affection, compliments, great sex, all the time I could ever ask for, etc. He's absolutely wonderful....most of the time. And then things like this happen: Last Friday night, I went out with some girlfriends and Chris met us out (big no no and Lynette was PISSED! - she claims she didn't like him from day one....bad vibe. I kinda don't believe that because she was SO gung ho about him for the first couple of weeks. Whatever.). Now Lynette and Chris have not liked each other for a while now, and they are both very open about it. To me. Ugh. I hate knowing that and then them both being fake to each other when they're around each other. It's uncomfortable for only me because neither of them know the other one doesn't like them. Ok. So Friday night. They're doing their usual nicey nice act and so I leave them for TWO minutes. TWO! I come back and they're SCREAMING at each other - fuck you! no, fuck you! you fucking bitch! i've never fucking liked you and i'm so sick of pretending i do just for nissa! Oh, nice, kids. Real nice. Ugh. So I take Chris by the arm and drag him out of Round Midnight - now keep in mind, this place is closed and I'm friends with most of the people that work there and they're all witnessing this. So not something I want to be happening with my "boyfriend" at 29 years old at a bar I've been frequenting since I turned 21. Ick! Oh - and this was all AFTER he got in a fight on the dance floor with someone who spilled and bumped me. Ew. Bar fights - they're regular thing with him. Funnnn. So back to Lynette and Chris... Apparently, when I left them to go into the back room at Round Midnight, Chris asked Lynette if I was doing coke in there. She FLIPPED. She claims that if he knew me at all he would (and he claims to love me - and she's heard him say so!) KNOW I would never touch that stuff. Well in his defense, he doesn't know me. I haven't let him know me on that level. It's a weird thing.
In my past relationships, I've been an open book. I'm always too quick to open up and I get just as wrapped up in the whole thing as Chris is and has been since day one. This relationship? Not so much. I seriously don't give a shit about what happens. I was not the least bit offended that Chris thought (and was really pushy in asking Lynette, apparently, over and over) I might do cocaine. I seriously don't care. And to be honest, I seriously didn't really care that those two got in a fight. Chris thinks I'm a very stand offish person. He thinks I've been so hurt that I have thick walls up that he has to break down. Last night before bed he said: "Baby, I know you've been hurt and you're scared. I'm not ever going to hurt you." WHAT WHAT WHAT?!?!? It was all I could do not to chuckle. And furthermore, I don't care about much when it comes to him. I can go a whole week without seeing him and still have other things I want to get done before I make the hour long drive to his house (including laundry!). If he doesn't call me all day (like today), I really don't care. And the thing is, I know he's only not calling because he's trying to wait to see if I'll call him. He's trying to prove a point. The other morning, we had an entire day planned and when we woke up his phone was ringing off the hook - I asked him who it was (thinking it was his parents, to be honest) and he wouldn't tell me. He was trying to pretend it was something worth being jealous over. Duh. So I said - "Are you sure you don't want to tell me?" And when he said yes, I said: "Well, then I guess it's time for you to leave." Chris: "Really?" Yep. And so he did. I kicked him out after he drove an hour to get here, just because I refuse to deal with his shit.
I've heard that you're supposed to be in a relationship (supposed to be....haha. who says?!?!?) that the other person likes you more than you like them. That ensures that you won't get too wrapped up in: "oh no! he didn't call me!" bull shit. It's kind of nice. Apathy. Not my usual thing. It's kind of nice to not care. It's kind of carefree, if you will. It feels almost healthier. I'm sure Chris wouldn't agree, but I feel that way. I get it. It's nice to not give a shit. Here's the catch to this whole not giving a shit thing:
I still get wrapped up in whether or not Adam's going to call. Haha. How fucked up is that?!?!? He has a girlfriend (Nancy) and I have Chris. But there are so many times throughout the day that I think: Well, just because he's at Burning Man all week, doesn't mean he won't go to that special camp that they have these weird phones that you have to like point directly at the sun to get a signal. He could call. He might call. Now why, people, would he call ME? Haha. He won't. But he might. So see? I give a shit. Just not about my relationship with Chris. Ugh.
Ever been to that stage of a relationship that you absolutely despise everything about that person? Like when they touch you, you get SOOOOOO creeped out that you actually HAVE to move away, even if they're going to notice? When they wake up in the morning next to you and they quietly smack their lips, just enough so you can hear it, and you want to SCREAM: "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!?" Ever cringe when someone talks baby talk to their dogs? Or worse yet, to YOU!?!? Ever wanna crack up when someone says: "I know you're not ready to meet my parents...I explained to them that you're just nervous and you'll come around..." !?!?!? Hahaha. Um, no. I'm not NERVOUS to meet your parents. I just have better things to do. I think it's because I'm ahead of my time (some say Grandma, I say mature). Either way, I think it's clear what needs to happen. So what do I say? How do I actually break up with him? What do I say? Ew. We've broken up (do we see a pattern in my behavior people?) before and then I get sucked back in. He gets REALLY upset - like his mom went to his house one night and spent the night...he was "having a hard time."
Mark my words: I will be single - yet again - by tomorrow night. Thankfully.
Oh - It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken?????? Loving it. Learning some new tricks...mostly to help me with my breakup with Adam.
Aaaahhh.....Adam. I sure do love and miss that boy. I wish he'd send his ass off to rehab and realize what the hell we could have been! That will go away. With time, right? Time being single and actually dealing with the breakup itself? Yes. It will. Ugh.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeewww. All caught up. There will be some other things worth mentioning from the past couple of months, I'm sure. I'll explain those as we go I guess.
Goodnight!
Friday, August 31, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
To pick right up...
Yes, Chris is drinking a lot. Hmmm...should I just ask him? Yes, I think I will....
Ok, so we're on the phone and I realize that when we talk late at night (keep in mind he lives an hour away from me, so I only see him about twice a week), he is much more open about his feelings and shares a LOT more with me than he does any other time. So I ask him: "Chris, are you drinking tonight?" No no no. Of course not. Or sometimes I would get a - Sure, I'm having a glass of wine, but no biggie. And it's true, no biggie. I have a glass of wine at home sometimes. Hardly ever, but I do do it. Oooooooook. Moving right along.
So I get back from the camping trip on Sunday, spend the night at Chris's that night and then don't see him again until Friday night. We're going to Steamboat to see Alohi early Saturday morning, so we're just going to walk from his place and grab some dinner and make it an early night. I didn't get to his house until 7pm that Friday night and he was just sort of puttin' around the house, loading the dishwasher, etc. I thought he was drinking apple juice at first...
N: "Chris, what are you drinking?"
C: "Jack and coke."
N: "Jack with MAYBE a splash of coke?"
C: *chuckles* "Yes, I guess you could say it that way. Haha."
N: "How many have you had?"
C: "I think this is my 4th or 5th. Why?"
N: *silent stare* and thinks to self: HOLY FUCK! HE'S A FULL BLOWN ALCOHOLIC!
So we quietly leave his house and I have no words. None. Am I in a relationship with another addict? Seriously? Wow. My therapist once told me that I could be in a room with 199 sober people and one addict and I'd somehow find the addict to love. WHY?!?!? Apparently because my mother (with all due respect!) was an addict and couldn't give up her addiction for me, and so I need someone (anyone, apparently!) to give up their addiction for me and I'll be able to overcome that childhood issue. Does that suck or WHAT?!??! Ok, moving right along.... So we walk to Chipotle and on the way over he brings it up:
C: "Look, Nissa. I just have a hard time sleeping and so I drink and it helps me."
N: "Um....it's 7pm and we're not anywhere near going to bed. So why are you on your 5th jack and coke already?!?!? And furthermore, didn't you just go to the doctor yesterday and find out you have SUPER high blood pressure and a possible heart condition? Didn't your doctor tell you to quit drinking?!?!?"
C: "Well, yes. Um, um, um...."
N: "Well I think you should have disclosed this info on match.com. You could've put "regularly" instead of "one or two" at least!!!!" Ok - that was dumb, but seriously! He could have! Should have!
C: "I didn't want you to know."
N: "Apparently!"
Ok, so it continued for the night. I was pretty quiet, and distant. But then we had a great weekend planned, so I (as usual) swept this under the rug, at least for the weekend. Had a ton of fun with Alohi and her husband, although LOTS of drinking was had by all. Chris even smoked pot. Joy. Didn't I just end a relationship in part because of pot? Pretty sure I did! Ok, so a BIGGGGGGGG fight ensues over the pot. After the rodeo (YES! SO FUNNNN!) in Steamboat, people started smoking pot. I don't deal well with pot. HATE IT! I tend to make a way bigger deal over pot than most, but it's my thing. HATE IT! Ok, so Chris and I sit down and I go over why I hate pot so much and he says: "Geez, I had no idea (People? I've told him this before. Honestly, I have.). It's not that big of a deal to me to smoke, so I just simply won't do it." Wow. Really? Ok, cool. And then he proceeds to get even more wasted. Ugh. We get back to Alohi and Eric's and he gets pissy because I want to go to bed. It's only midnight, but we started drinking at 5pm! I need to go to bed! Stay up if you want, Chris! Really? Yes! Fine!
Within 5 minutes I hear the bubbling bong.
N: "Chris?"
C: "Yes?"
N: "Are you smoking pot?"
C: "Yes."
OMG! WHAT!?!?!?! So I just go to bed. Wow. Ok. What happened to that big heart to heart about pot and it not meaning anything to him so he was going to quit? That was just an hour ago. So we wake up the next morning and I decide to cuddle up and not be mad. Because that's what I do. That's why I wake up a year into a relationship and say to myself: HOW COULD YOU NOT HAVE KNOWN THIS WOULD HAPPEN!?!??! Wait. Is he giving ME the cold shoulder? Yep.
N: "Are you mad at me?"
C: "I'm not happy with you."
N: "OMG! Are you fucking serious!??!" I lost it, folks. This guy is a trip! He's always mad at me for shit that he does! Always!
So we argue for like 10 minutes finally ending with:
N: "Fuck this! Let's break up!"
C: "At least we're on the same page!"
N: "Good."
C: "Good."
We drive awkwardly back from Steamboat. Silence. Ew. We stop in Silverthorne, do a little shopping (silently) and then Chris looks at me before we get in the car...
C: "Look, Nissa. I love you (WHAT?!?!?), and I don't want to break up. I'm sorry that I smoked last night. I was just mad that you were going to bed and...."
N: "Mad that I was going to bed, so you disregarded a promise you made an hour earlier that meant A LOT to me?"
C: "I know, it was stupid. I'm sorry."
Can people please stop doing things that they need to apologize for? I hate the word sorry! Just don't do things you need to apologize for! We go in circles and somehow he wins. I'm not feeling pumped on staying together and he knows it, but he's hopeful that I'll come around, as he puts it. I just couldn't stand my ground any longer. He was staring me in the face, begging me to give it another try. Begging. Apologizing. Professing his love. Ugh. WEAK! And it's not like it was with Adam. I couldn't let that end because of how much I LOVED and adored Adam. This was just uncomfortable and I couldn't escape it. I was in Silverthorne about to drive 2 more hours to his house alone, with just him. UGH UGH UGH.
Sorry. Bedtime. I'll keep writing tomorrow. I just want to be caught up to today because there are STILL things that will be added to this going on now! Hahaha. It's lightened up some on my part, but it's still dramatic. And Adam. There will be Adam stories before you get all caught up, too. I love Adam stories. They're so much more fun than these stories. Ok, goodnight.
And yes, I saw the red flag. I think it was a flare being thrown at me, actually. I saw it. I didn't ignore it. I couldn't. Really.
Ok, so we're on the phone and I realize that when we talk late at night (keep in mind he lives an hour away from me, so I only see him about twice a week), he is much more open about his feelings and shares a LOT more with me than he does any other time. So I ask him: "Chris, are you drinking tonight?" No no no. Of course not. Or sometimes I would get a - Sure, I'm having a glass of wine, but no biggie. And it's true, no biggie. I have a glass of wine at home sometimes. Hardly ever, but I do do it. Oooooooook. Moving right along.
So I get back from the camping trip on Sunday, spend the night at Chris's that night and then don't see him again until Friday night. We're going to Steamboat to see Alohi early Saturday morning, so we're just going to walk from his place and grab some dinner and make it an early night. I didn't get to his house until 7pm that Friday night and he was just sort of puttin' around the house, loading the dishwasher, etc. I thought he was drinking apple juice at first...
N: "Chris, what are you drinking?"
C: "Jack and coke."
N: "Jack with MAYBE a splash of coke?"
C: *chuckles* "Yes, I guess you could say it that way. Haha."
N: "How many have you had?"
C: "I think this is my 4th or 5th. Why?"
N: *silent stare* and thinks to self: HOLY FUCK! HE'S A FULL BLOWN ALCOHOLIC!
So we quietly leave his house and I have no words. None. Am I in a relationship with another addict? Seriously? Wow. My therapist once told me that I could be in a room with 199 sober people and one addict and I'd somehow find the addict to love. WHY?!?!? Apparently because my mother (with all due respect!) was an addict and couldn't give up her addiction for me, and so I need someone (anyone, apparently!) to give up their addiction for me and I'll be able to overcome that childhood issue. Does that suck or WHAT?!??! Ok, moving right along.... So we walk to Chipotle and on the way over he brings it up:
C: "Look, Nissa. I just have a hard time sleeping and so I drink and it helps me."
N: "Um....it's 7pm and we're not anywhere near going to bed. So why are you on your 5th jack and coke already?!?!? And furthermore, didn't you just go to the doctor yesterday and find out you have SUPER high blood pressure and a possible heart condition? Didn't your doctor tell you to quit drinking?!?!?"
C: "Well, yes. Um, um, um...."
N: "Well I think you should have disclosed this info on match.com. You could've put "regularly" instead of "one or two" at least!!!!" Ok - that was dumb, but seriously! He could have! Should have!
C: "I didn't want you to know."
N: "Apparently!"
Ok, so it continued for the night. I was pretty quiet, and distant. But then we had a great weekend planned, so I (as usual) swept this under the rug, at least for the weekend. Had a ton of fun with Alohi and her husband, although LOTS of drinking was had by all. Chris even smoked pot. Joy. Didn't I just end a relationship in part because of pot? Pretty sure I did! Ok, so a BIGGGGGGGG fight ensues over the pot. After the rodeo (YES! SO FUNNNN!) in Steamboat, people started smoking pot. I don't deal well with pot. HATE IT! I tend to make a way bigger deal over pot than most, but it's my thing. HATE IT! Ok, so Chris and I sit down and I go over why I hate pot so much and he says: "Geez, I had no idea (People? I've told him this before. Honestly, I have.). It's not that big of a deal to me to smoke, so I just simply won't do it." Wow. Really? Ok, cool. And then he proceeds to get even more wasted. Ugh. We get back to Alohi and Eric's and he gets pissy because I want to go to bed. It's only midnight, but we started drinking at 5pm! I need to go to bed! Stay up if you want, Chris! Really? Yes! Fine!
Within 5 minutes I hear the bubbling bong.
N: "Chris?"
C: "Yes?"
N: "Are you smoking pot?"
C: "Yes."
OMG! WHAT!?!?!?! So I just go to bed. Wow. Ok. What happened to that big heart to heart about pot and it not meaning anything to him so he was going to quit? That was just an hour ago. So we wake up the next morning and I decide to cuddle up and not be mad. Because that's what I do. That's why I wake up a year into a relationship and say to myself: HOW COULD YOU NOT HAVE KNOWN THIS WOULD HAPPEN!?!??! Wait. Is he giving ME the cold shoulder? Yep.
N: "Are you mad at me?"
C: "I'm not happy with you."
N: "OMG! Are you fucking serious!??!" I lost it, folks. This guy is a trip! He's always mad at me for shit that he does! Always!
So we argue for like 10 minutes finally ending with:
N: "Fuck this! Let's break up!"
C: "At least we're on the same page!"
N: "Good."
C: "Good."
We drive awkwardly back from Steamboat. Silence. Ew. We stop in Silverthorne, do a little shopping (silently) and then Chris looks at me before we get in the car...
C: "Look, Nissa. I love you (WHAT?!?!?), and I don't want to break up. I'm sorry that I smoked last night. I was just mad that you were going to bed and...."
N: "Mad that I was going to bed, so you disregarded a promise you made an hour earlier that meant A LOT to me?"
C: "I know, it was stupid. I'm sorry."
Can people please stop doing things that they need to apologize for? I hate the word sorry! Just don't do things you need to apologize for! We go in circles and somehow he wins. I'm not feeling pumped on staying together and he knows it, but he's hopeful that I'll come around, as he puts it. I just couldn't stand my ground any longer. He was staring me in the face, begging me to give it another try. Begging. Apologizing. Professing his love. Ugh. WEAK! And it's not like it was with Adam. I couldn't let that end because of how much I LOVED and adored Adam. This was just uncomfortable and I couldn't escape it. I was in Silverthorne about to drive 2 more hours to his house alone, with just him. UGH UGH UGH.
Sorry. Bedtime. I'll keep writing tomorrow. I just want to be caught up to today because there are STILL things that will be added to this going on now! Hahaha. It's lightened up some on my part, but it's still dramatic. And Adam. There will be Adam stories before you get all caught up, too. I love Adam stories. They're so much more fun than these stories. Ok, goodnight.
And yes, I saw the red flag. I think it was a flare being thrown at me, actually. I saw it. I didn't ignore it. I couldn't. Really.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
In a Nutshell
Where do I even begin???? It's been a whole month since I've blogged. So much has happened. Ok. Hmmmm. Ok. Let me just start by saying that tonight I started reading: "It's Called a Breakup Becuase It's Broken. Ugh. Actually, no. I shouldn't say "ugh." I'm fine. I'm feeling pretty high spirited, actually, considering this mess I've gotten myself into.
So really quickly, Chris was absolutely wonderful at first. Perfect. He consistently adored me and showered me with compliments and affection, which was all pretty new to me. It was great. Fabulous, in fact. And I was really attracted to him from day one. Amazing sex, too. Amazing. Best ever, maybe. I was picking up on some red flag type things right away, but thought that I was looking too hard for a problem, so I let them all slide. Girls? We all know not to do this, ever, right? Yes, we do. Anyway, on another note it was a little weird that he knew Adam, and it was even weirder the first time we ran into Adam, but that ended up to be fine. They were excited to see each other and exchanged hugs and chatted it up for a while and exchanged nice words about what a great gal I am, etc. It was fine. The thing that totally sucked about bumping into Adam when I was with Chris was that I would look at Adam and think: he's so cute! and geez, I really miss him and oh - he's so fun! And everyone else would rag on Adam when he would walk away, I guess because they thought that's what I needed to hear. In actuality, that was offending me. I wanted to stick up for him, but Chris would be suspicious if I did that, so I never did.
So two weeks after I got home from my trip to Massachusetts, which was also 2 weeks after Chris and I got more serious, there was a big camping trip for a friend's bday and Adam was going to be there. This meant Chris couldn't go. Adam and I had a little agreement that we wouldn't bring our "dates" to any mutual friends' get togethers for at least a month, and we both were respecting that. The month ended up to be over just after this camping trip. At first I wasn't even going to go because I didn't want it to be too weird with Chris, but then when I saw Adam out and Chris went to the bathroom, Adam whispered to me: "I'm excited to have time with you next weekend, I think we could use it." That's when I decided that I really did want to go, even if Chris was going to be mad. I started to get all rebellious about it, actually. Like - fuck that! He can't tell me what to do! So that helped push me into going. Other than that, Lynette (it was her husbands bday camping trip) would have never forgiven me if I bailed on it. So camping I go. It was such a funnnnnnnnnn weekend. We were in the middle of nowhere, no cell service, no stores, no electricity, no bathrooms. Nothing. It was awesome. I'm not sure I've ever really roughed it like that. It's no Pine Acres, if ya know what I mean. So anyway, great (!) weekend. Perfect. The first night Adam, Ryan (another guy friend), and I sat by the camp fire til 3am just chatting and laughing and having a good ole time. Everyone else (there were 10 of us total) went to bed hours earlier. When it was time for bed, it got awkward for a minute because I wasn't thrilled about sleeping alone in my tent in the wilderness, but it passed (due to consumed alcohol, I'm assuming) quickly. The next morning I was the first one up, just the way I like it, and I snuck quietly out of my tent, cleaned up the mess from the night before and sat by the fire (not lit) and read my book as people slowly started poking their heads out of their tents. We all got up and cooked a big breakfast and then we went white water rafting (more like floating) for 7 hours. Such a beautiful area, such a delightful day. Seriously. Adam and I were on the same boat, and we just had such a nice time. Mostly quiet. The whole boat, just taking in the beauty around us. We saw hawks, beavers, and all kinds of spectacular and breath taking views. Then we did the same thing that night, all crowded around the camp fire, Myles playing his guitar and all of us singing, only this time I was the first one to go to bed. Adam snuck down to my tent and sat right outside my unzipped door and we talked. I cried. It wasn't really dramatic or anything, but we just talked about lots of stuff. Mostly how strange it was to be there, camping with our friends, and getting along so well and having such a wonderful time and then realizing that we're totally broken up. Even with other people, both of us. A sad realization when you're in that situation. Like I said, it wasn't dramatic and it didn't turn into any big thing. It was a nice talk. Then he left and went back up to the fire with everyone else (or so I thought) and I went to sleep - not too sad either. I was again, the first to rise and then Adam got up, too and told me that he went to sleep when he left my tent. I was surprised. He is usually the party guy and sleeps the latest. It was seriously like 7am. I wanted to "bathe" in the Colorado River - I was SO dirty! I needed help though - the current was too strong to walk in with all my soap, etc., so Adam came with me. I should note that I kept my swimsuit on the whole time, but it was just so nice. So peaceful. No one but the birds up. We all floated down the river for 5 hours on Sunday and had, yet another, glorious day. It was such a nice weekend. People were making jokes though, I might add, that we got along (Adam and I) better that weekend than the rest of the couples we were with....kinda funny, only not.
Ok, Sunday night. I'm not even super excited to see Chris. Obviously. But because it was such a big deal that I was going on this trip with my ex boyfriend, blah blah blah, I had already promised Chris I would stay at his house the night I got back. Luckily, as soon as I saw him, and as soon as he was SOOOOOOOOO happy to have me back I was fine. I exhaled and all was well. Well, not all (I was still thinking a lot of Adam, but I knew I was doing the right thing. I felt like I was anyway.), but mostly. Ok, so here we are....Chris and Nissa. Hmmm....Is Chris drinking? A lot? Every night? Weird.
Ok, that's the cliff hanger for tonight. I have to go to bed! But I promise to write tomorrow during Wesley's nap! Promise! I brought my laptop, especially for you! (not proof reading, ps)
So really quickly, Chris was absolutely wonderful at first. Perfect. He consistently adored me and showered me with compliments and affection, which was all pretty new to me. It was great. Fabulous, in fact. And I was really attracted to him from day one. Amazing sex, too. Amazing. Best ever, maybe. I was picking up on some red flag type things right away, but thought that I was looking too hard for a problem, so I let them all slide. Girls? We all know not to do this, ever, right? Yes, we do. Anyway, on another note it was a little weird that he knew Adam, and it was even weirder the first time we ran into Adam, but that ended up to be fine. They were excited to see each other and exchanged hugs and chatted it up for a while and exchanged nice words about what a great gal I am, etc. It was fine. The thing that totally sucked about bumping into Adam when I was with Chris was that I would look at Adam and think: he's so cute! and geez, I really miss him and oh - he's so fun! And everyone else would rag on Adam when he would walk away, I guess because they thought that's what I needed to hear. In actuality, that was offending me. I wanted to stick up for him, but Chris would be suspicious if I did that, so I never did.
So two weeks after I got home from my trip to Massachusetts, which was also 2 weeks after Chris and I got more serious, there was a big camping trip for a friend's bday and Adam was going to be there. This meant Chris couldn't go. Adam and I had a little agreement that we wouldn't bring our "dates" to any mutual friends' get togethers for at least a month, and we both were respecting that. The month ended up to be over just after this camping trip. At first I wasn't even going to go because I didn't want it to be too weird with Chris, but then when I saw Adam out and Chris went to the bathroom, Adam whispered to me: "I'm excited to have time with you next weekend, I think we could use it." That's when I decided that I really did want to go, even if Chris was going to be mad. I started to get all rebellious about it, actually. Like - fuck that! He can't tell me what to do! So that helped push me into going. Other than that, Lynette (it was her husbands bday camping trip) would have never forgiven me if I bailed on it. So camping I go. It was such a funnnnnnnnnn weekend. We were in the middle of nowhere, no cell service, no stores, no electricity, no bathrooms. Nothing. It was awesome. I'm not sure I've ever really roughed it like that. It's no Pine Acres, if ya know what I mean. So anyway, great (!) weekend. Perfect. The first night Adam, Ryan (another guy friend), and I sat by the camp fire til 3am just chatting and laughing and having a good ole time. Everyone else (there were 10 of us total) went to bed hours earlier. When it was time for bed, it got awkward for a minute because I wasn't thrilled about sleeping alone in my tent in the wilderness, but it passed (due to consumed alcohol, I'm assuming) quickly. The next morning I was the first one up, just the way I like it, and I snuck quietly out of my tent, cleaned up the mess from the night before and sat by the fire (not lit) and read my book as people slowly started poking their heads out of their tents. We all got up and cooked a big breakfast and then we went white water rafting (more like floating) for 7 hours. Such a beautiful area, such a delightful day. Seriously. Adam and I were on the same boat, and we just had such a nice time. Mostly quiet. The whole boat, just taking in the beauty around us. We saw hawks, beavers, and all kinds of spectacular and breath taking views. Then we did the same thing that night, all crowded around the camp fire, Myles playing his guitar and all of us singing, only this time I was the first one to go to bed. Adam snuck down to my tent and sat right outside my unzipped door and we talked. I cried. It wasn't really dramatic or anything, but we just talked about lots of stuff. Mostly how strange it was to be there, camping with our friends, and getting along so well and having such a wonderful time and then realizing that we're totally broken up. Even with other people, both of us. A sad realization when you're in that situation. Like I said, it wasn't dramatic and it didn't turn into any big thing. It was a nice talk. Then he left and went back up to the fire with everyone else (or so I thought) and I went to sleep - not too sad either. I was again, the first to rise and then Adam got up, too and told me that he went to sleep when he left my tent. I was surprised. He is usually the party guy and sleeps the latest. It was seriously like 7am. I wanted to "bathe" in the Colorado River - I was SO dirty! I needed help though - the current was too strong to walk in with all my soap, etc., so Adam came with me. I should note that I kept my swimsuit on the whole time, but it was just so nice. So peaceful. No one but the birds up. We all floated down the river for 5 hours on Sunday and had, yet another, glorious day. It was such a nice weekend. People were making jokes though, I might add, that we got along (Adam and I) better that weekend than the rest of the couples we were with....kinda funny, only not.
Ok, Sunday night. I'm not even super excited to see Chris. Obviously. But because it was such a big deal that I was going on this trip with my ex boyfriend, blah blah blah, I had already promised Chris I would stay at his house the night I got back. Luckily, as soon as I saw him, and as soon as he was SOOOOOOOOO happy to have me back I was fine. I exhaled and all was well. Well, not all (I was still thinking a lot of Adam, but I knew I was doing the right thing. I felt like I was anyway.), but mostly. Ok, so here we are....Chris and Nissa. Hmmm....Is Chris drinking? A lot? Every night? Weird.
Ok, that's the cliff hanger for tonight. I have to go to bed! But I promise to write tomorrow during Wesley's nap! Promise! I brought my laptop, especially for you! (not proof reading, ps)
Ooops. Out of order...
If you want to go way back and read half of the updated version of what happened when I got back from Massachusetts and went to Chris's house, read the blog entitled "The reality of it is." It's incomplete and I'm so not going to go back over those details, but you might want to read it anyway. It got inserted into the slot after the picture of Chris on the surfboard. It apparently puts them in my by date, even if it was a draft for over a month. Oooooooooook. Now I'm going to get going on the latest updates.
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