Thursday, July 26, 2007
The reality of it is...
(ok - now i wrote this blog a month ago. seriously. but it was saved as a draft b/c it wasn't finished. i'm going to post it now and try to catch you up without typing 30 pages. read below to see how chris and i were off to such a good start!)
I was pretty close. Really close, in fact. Here is what actually happened:
(Maybe I should make this blog private!??!?! Chris might not be thrilled if he knew all our business was out there for the public to read! He won't know though. I tried to find the blog through google with some key words and I couldn't, so that's good.)
Ok...my flight lands. My dad actually picks me up, not my brother or mother. Off to a rough start? Nah. Ok...
I get dropped off at my mom's and she immediately says: "Did you eat ANYTHING there!?!? You're starving yourself!" Thanks, Mom. It's a little dramatic, but a compliment in her own way. I got busy on my laundry (darks - I really wanted that one particular pair of jeans and that one specific nightie!) and then chatted with Chris about our evening plans. He wanted to cook me dinner....hmmm....ok. What was I going to say? No? It was dinner time. I had to. Ugh. "Turkey tacos ok?" Sure. Ok, I'll just eat one and it won't do any damage. NO BEANS! PLEASE! I called all the Blockbusters between my mom's and his house and NONE of them had Entourage, Season 1. Ugh. I texted Chris this information and he said: "That's ok, I was just planning on buying it. I have to go to Target and get a dvd player anyway. Should I wait for you and we can go together?" Sure. Uh oh...it's getting late. It's already 5pm and I haven't even showered yet! Haven't even plucked yet! Oh no! The panic sets in...oh no! Panic = sweatty Betty! Shit! I just remembered I ran out of deodorant this morning at my grandmother's house before the airport! Please...no sweating! Ok...breathe. Switch your laundry and you MUST start primping for the big night! (By the way, this is all my voice in my head coaching me. I do it all the time. I talk myself in and out of things by the minute.) What if the night's a flop?!?!? DON'T think that way, Missy! Ok...laundry's switched....to the shower I go. My mom is totally going to wonder what is up with me. Mom - tweezers?!!? Yes. Thank GOD! "Don't make yourself bleed, Nissa. He won't think that's pretty." Haha - does she really know me that well? Ok - I did it all - plucked, shaved, crest white strips, all of it. Still no deodorant and oddly, my mom doesn't wear any. She tried to pawn my stepdad's off on me. No thanks. I'd rather not smell like a man tonight of all nights. I was going to wear my black tank top with my favorite jeans, but he's seen that outfit before (it's my uniform). Then it hit me...I have my cute little peasant like top that is white with pink and blue flowers...he'll like that. He compliments me on my clothes sometimes and this is more his speed than my black tank top, I think. Ok, clothes aren't quite dry...blow dry hair. Yes! I like my hair SO much better in the dry climate - Colorado gives me great hair! I picked my face a little too much at the beginning of my primping session, so I need a little more make up than I had hoped but whatever. My idea of a lot of make up is WAY less than most I know and hang out with, so I'm still ok. So far so good. Clothes are dry, mom LOVES the outfit and I'm on my way.... 7:30pm. Oops. A little late. I call him and tell him I'm on my way and he starts dinner. I'm getting butterflies! So exciting!!!! The a/c is ON! Please please don't sweat before I stop at the store and get deodorant (sensitive skin special deodorant, of course! ugh!). First Safeway, coming up. Right on the way...CLOSED! DAMN IT! Ok, there's one right across the street from Chris's house. Ok. A/c will do the trick til then. I called him from Safeway. He's so sweet: "I'm really excited to see you, Nissa." Aw. I just play it cool. Haha. I'm DYING over here!
I was pretty close. Really close, in fact. Here is what actually happened:
(Maybe I should make this blog private!??!?! Chris might not be thrilled if he knew all our business was out there for the public to read! He won't know though. I tried to find the blog through google with some key words and I couldn't, so that's good.)
Ok...my flight lands. My dad actually picks me up, not my brother or mother. Off to a rough start? Nah. Ok...
I get dropped off at my mom's and she immediately says: "Did you eat ANYTHING there!?!? You're starving yourself!" Thanks, Mom. It's a little dramatic, but a compliment in her own way. I got busy on my laundry (darks - I really wanted that one particular pair of jeans and that one specific nightie!) and then chatted with Chris about our evening plans. He wanted to cook me dinner....hmmm....ok. What was I going to say? No? It was dinner time. I had to. Ugh. "Turkey tacos ok?" Sure. Ok, I'll just eat one and it won't do any damage. NO BEANS! PLEASE! I called all the Blockbusters between my mom's and his house and NONE of them had Entourage, Season 1. Ugh. I texted Chris this information and he said: "That's ok, I was just planning on buying it. I have to go to Target and get a dvd player anyway. Should I wait for you and we can go together?" Sure. Uh oh...it's getting late. It's already 5pm and I haven't even showered yet! Haven't even plucked yet! Oh no! The panic sets in...oh no! Panic = sweatty Betty! Shit! I just remembered I ran out of deodorant this morning at my grandmother's house before the airport! Please...no sweating! Ok...breathe. Switch your laundry and you MUST start primping for the big night! (By the way, this is all my voice in my head coaching me. I do it all the time. I talk myself in and out of things by the minute.) What if the night's a flop?!?!? DON'T think that way, Missy! Ok...laundry's switched....to the shower I go. My mom is totally going to wonder what is up with me. Mom - tweezers?!!? Yes. Thank GOD! "Don't make yourself bleed, Nissa. He won't think that's pretty." Haha - does she really know me that well? Ok - I did it all - plucked, shaved, crest white strips, all of it. Still no deodorant and oddly, my mom doesn't wear any. She tried to pawn my stepdad's off on me. No thanks. I'd rather not smell like a man tonight of all nights. I was going to wear my black tank top with my favorite jeans, but he's seen that outfit before (it's my uniform). Then it hit me...I have my cute little peasant like top that is white with pink and blue flowers...he'll like that. He compliments me on my clothes sometimes and this is more his speed than my black tank top, I think. Ok, clothes aren't quite dry...blow dry hair. Yes! I like my hair SO much better in the dry climate - Colorado gives me great hair! I picked my face a little too much at the beginning of my primping session, so I need a little more make up than I had hoped but whatever. My idea of a lot of make up is WAY less than most I know and hang out with, so I'm still ok. So far so good. Clothes are dry, mom LOVES the outfit and I'm on my way.... 7:30pm. Oops. A little late. I call him and tell him I'm on my way and he starts dinner. I'm getting butterflies! So exciting!!!! The a/c is ON! Please please don't sweat before I stop at the store and get deodorant (sensitive skin special deodorant, of course! ugh!). First Safeway, coming up. Right on the way...CLOSED! DAMN IT! Ok, there's one right across the street from Chris's house. Ok. A/c will do the trick til then. I called him from Safeway. He's so sweet: "I'm really excited to see you, Nissa." Aw. I just play it cool. Haha. I'm DYING over here!
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Feels like forever!
I have SO much to tell you....not about my week long trip though! Hahaha. I just want to blog about Chris today. This is so weird. This is kind of a private entry, but I'm going to do it anyway. Be warned...it might be too much information. So yesterday, I flew back to Denver from Boston. On my first leg, I was really wishing I had either my laptop or a pen and paper. I had things on my mind and needed to get them out. During my layover (my 5 minute layover that I had to RUN through the airport to catch the plane) I spotted a bookstore and ran in and grabbed a blank notebook for $2.99! SCORE! As soon as I sat down I started writing....
I'm on my way back to Denver from 7 days away. A much needed 7 days away. It's such a weird time to go back though... My job fiasco, the whole Chris situation... It's all a little crazy in my life right now. Do I even have a job? If I do, do I even want that job? If not, what do I want to do? Nanny again? Move? Go back to school? Ugh! Decisions!
And what about Chris?!?!?! What is going on with him!?!?! What do I want to be going on with him? Is he as great as I think he is? Am I as great as he thinks I am? Well I guess only time will tell. Tonight will be a good little test. As long as I can remain comfortable with him, I think it will be fine. But what if my self conscious side comes out? Oh my god! It's SO going to ! Do I just come out and tell him?!? Do I just say: "Look! I love everything about myself but my naked body!?!?!?" Probably not, huh? He is going to be totally turned off by my discomfort tonight, I know it. He's going to want me to 100% naked and if it's not dark, it's simply NOT happening. The thing is, if I could just be honest and tell him that keeping my nightie on would be beneficial to our whole sexual experience (oh, did I mention that I'm having sex tonight? I am.), we'd be fine. Better than fine, I'd bet. I think we're totally going to be sexually compatible. UNLESS he's going to put too much emphasis on nakedness. Ugh. The thought of it makes me cringe. I've had huge issues with this before. HUGE. It was with Adam and to be honest, I think Chris has been more attracted to me since day one than Adam ever was. Maybe that'll be helpful Well, I know it'll be helpful but maybe not quite enough. It's so annoying! Why do I have to be like this?!?!? It's not even just that I'm chubby - he knows I'm chubby and he's clearly OK with it...he's been trying to jump my bones (hahaha - that made me laugh!) since the 1st hour that I met him.
There are a whole bunch of reasons that I'm freaking out...
1 - I'm a picker. I pick every little thing that's not totally smooth on my whole entire body. Arms, legs, face, butt cheeks, chest, boobs, feet, fingers, all of it. Therefore, there could be red marks anywhere. I pick til I bleed. Daily.
2 - There are 2 spots that would totally gross anyone out if in the right/wrong position. Inner thighs and stomach. Ew.
I could just wear my tine and cute little nightie and avoid all of the discomfort. It's lacey, sweet and tiny - short w/tiny spaghetti straps. Innocent with a touch of sexy - perfect. But I know he's going to want it off. Ugh! FUCK!
Oh - 3 - doggie style??? love it - only in the dark. Ever. With anyone. Who wants their butt(ok, brace yourself)hole up in anyone's plain sight? Not me! Skinny or chubby, no thanks! No! Never! Unless, of course, the lights are out. Not pitch black, but close.
4 - And Chris is so going to be the guy who will watch my face to make sure I'm enjoying it. Can be awkward, can be smooth and just fine. Hahaha. Soooo awkward though, potentially. (I'm secretly scolding myself: GROW UP!)
Pray for darkness and pray that when we have wake up sex, tomorrow, he'll be more accepting of me being in my nightie. Perfect scenario:
My flight lands, my mom or brother are there to pick me up. I go to my mom's, start my laundry (dark - favorite jeans and cute nightie!), pluck, shave, shower. Squeaky clean and mostly hairless from head to toe. Brush teeth. Moisturize from head to toe. Blow dry my hair - he loves my hair - did I mention that? *Side note: he has complimented my name, voice, hair, confidence, lips, white shirt that I wore on our first date - a lot. He's quite generous with compliments.* Apply small amount of make up. Enough to cover up redness in right brow area and gaping pores, but little enough that he thinks I don't wear much (oh - he complimented me on that already more than once, too - fyi). Write in blog while I wait for my clothes to dry. By now it's 5:30pm. I think I'll paint my toes or go for a cheap pedi on the way to his house. If he hasn't found Entourage, Season 1, I'll stop by each Blockbuster along the way. I probably won't eat because I'll be too nervous. I'll eat on the way home from the airport, that'll be enough. Keep tummy on the flatter side for 1st time sex with Chris! Oooooooook. Call him when I'm close. 7pmish. Pull into his complex and calm my nerve with a reminder that he adores me. Deep breath, deep breath. Whooooooooooooooo. Ok. I'm also meeting the dogs for the 1st time. Ugh. He's super excited for me to meet the girls...somehow he got the impression that I'm a dog lover. Hmmmm. Why? I can be friendly but do NOT sniff my crotch or lick my feet! Do girl dogs sniff crotches? Who says crotches? Ew.
Ok, he opens the door....aw, he's cuter than I remembered. Always is. He really is adorable and when I don't see him for a couple of days I forget. We hug, my arms on top - always are. That's how we fit. We kiss. And kiss a few more times. I'm thinking no tongue for a little while. Maybe though. We are great kissers together and tend to make out. A lot. But not obnoxiously in public. So far, in public, it's been quite affectionate, but we've managed to wait til the car to make out. Haha. But always, he gives off the vibe that he totally would make out anywhere, if I would. But he's respectful and a gentleman. And actually, when it comes down to it, I don't think he would slip me the tongue in public. I love that he wants to though. He stares just long enough that I know he likes me but short of being creepy. Way short of being creepy. He has a very sweet stare. More like he's interested and wants to know me. Our first (sober) kiss (we were wasted when we met and smooched!) - which I will forever consider our first kiss - was unexpected and perfect. We were in a coffee shop waiting for my latte and I turned around and it just happened. We gracefully collided right there and we both went in for the sweetest kiss at the exact same time. Met in the middle. It was the sweetest thing. How's that for a tangent? Ok....his house. I arrive.
We hug, kiss, meet Sequoia and Selawick, he finishes up doing whatever he was doing and then eventually we cozy up on the couch. I wish it was dark (outside), but it's not quite. I keep my street clothes on and we have to figure out how we fit on his couch together. It's our first time cuddling on the couch. Funnnn. I hope. He's short, but wide. An inch shorter than I am but his shoulders are broader. I had to be behind Adam or he couldn't see the tv. That sucked. I hated it. How will Chris and I put? Ew. Awkward again. Wait - didn't I just say funnn??? Ok, yes. Funnnn. But we'll figure that out. Entourage, Season 1 begins. We love it! Chris CRACKS up - I love love love his laugh! He'll probably try to curb his enthusiasm, as to not yell in my ear or thras around - his laugh is crazy. Awesome. And I'll tell him not to hold back but I'll still notice his chest inflating and he'll be trying to hold it in. Moving right along... Depending on how long Season 1 is, we either get sleepy or it ends and we (one of us) suggests bed. I suggest sleep and he suggests bed, both having the same intentions. It's dark. He wants to turn on the tv ( because he sleeps with it on - ick) and I slyly swoop in and kiss him away from the tv and say something smooth like: "We won't be watching anymore tv tonight, Hot Stuff." Just kidding. But I'll say something to get the tv to stay off. Whew. Darkness. There are lights outside his bedroom window that cast a glow into his room through the slats of his blinds, but just enough - not too much. (I took notice of this the first time I slept there - just in case)
The sex is as we both imagine it will be. Scorpio to Scorpio. Both more giving than taking. Passionate, but not crazy. Sensual, and not boring. Crazy will come, but not the first time or the second. Boring will never come. The stars and planets say so. Oh - and Chris? Not too big, but not too small. I hate both extremes and this will align with most everything else Chris has to offer. This adventure happily comes to an end and we're both sleepily smiling. I thank Chris and he tells me it was all he had hoped for and worth the wait. We sleep. At some point, because I know I will, I slip out of bed and put my mightie back on and go to the bathroom (you know you're supposed to pee after sex!). I slide back into bed, we kiss and go back to sleep. At first light one of us wakes the other one up and we have our first go at morning sex. Different than the night before, but pleasing just the same. I keep my nightie on this time and it's acceptable - this is the only iffy part. I hope it's acceptable. Some people like skin to skin - always. This time I'll totally be on top. Funnnn.
I'm really looking foward to this night/next morning being similar to this journal entry. High expectations? That's the way I roll. No, but really...this is the best case scenario. But I also think it's fairly realistic. Chris and I have been oddly connected since first meeting. He has politely asked me: "Get out of my head!" on more than one occasion. I could be right on here. All but the penis size - I'm not psychic, just intuitive.
How long our morning lasts will depend on whether or not I have a job to go to. Ugh. What a shitty snap back to reality. This will have to be dealt with asap. I'm pissed. Ok - now I've been writing since take off and we're 33 minutes from landing! How funnn! I'm SO glad I stopped in the bookstore to grab this notebook! I'll keep you posted! Sooooooooooon! I promsie!
Ok - now that was yesterday. The night occurred and I'll be honest - I wasn't too far off at all! It was awesome. I'm EXHAUSTED and have to go to bed. I'll write tomorrow with an update. I hope it wasn't too honest for you - it was me writing on paper not ever planning on putting it here so it's a little more blunt. But it's truthful, that's for sure! I'm not rereading - too tired. Sorry for errors, but I'll correct them tomorrow! I'm going to get back into leaving you with a song. Here is the lucky song of the day:
Need Your Space by Jason Vigil (this is who Chris and I went to see on our first date.)
Looking into me a different side you see and you don't mind it, you seem to like it
The crazy things I say, you turn a smile my way, and I don't mind it, in fact I like it
In fact I like it, you
Looking into you and everything you do, oh I like it, do you mind it
The way you look, your eyes, caught me by surprise, and I can't hide it, don't try to fight it
No need to fight it, no
And I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
Need your space
When you look at me I wonder what you see, does it make you happy?
Stunned by a glance, let's give us a chance 'cause you make me happy
And I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
Need your space, need your space, oh love, oh love
I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
Need your space, need your space, need your space
I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
I'm on my way back to Denver from 7 days away. A much needed 7 days away. It's such a weird time to go back though... My job fiasco, the whole Chris situation... It's all a little crazy in my life right now. Do I even have a job? If I do, do I even want that job? If not, what do I want to do? Nanny again? Move? Go back to school? Ugh! Decisions!
And what about Chris?!?!?! What is going on with him!?!?! What do I want to be going on with him? Is he as great as I think he is? Am I as great as he thinks I am? Well I guess only time will tell. Tonight will be a good little test. As long as I can remain comfortable with him, I think it will be fine. But what if my self conscious side comes out? Oh my god! It's SO going to ! Do I just come out and tell him?!? Do I just say: "Look! I love everything about myself but my naked body!?!?!?" Probably not, huh? He is going to be totally turned off by my discomfort tonight, I know it. He's going to want me to 100% naked and if it's not dark, it's simply NOT happening. The thing is, if I could just be honest and tell him that keeping my nightie on would be beneficial to our whole sexual experience (oh, did I mention that I'm having sex tonight? I am.), we'd be fine. Better than fine, I'd bet. I think we're totally going to be sexually compatible. UNLESS he's going to put too much emphasis on nakedness. Ugh. The thought of it makes me cringe. I've had huge issues with this before. HUGE. It was with Adam and to be honest, I think Chris has been more attracted to me since day one than Adam ever was. Maybe that'll be helpful Well, I know it'll be helpful but maybe not quite enough. It's so annoying! Why do I have to be like this?!?!? It's not even just that I'm chubby - he knows I'm chubby and he's clearly OK with it...he's been trying to jump my bones (hahaha - that made me laugh!) since the 1st hour that I met him.
There are a whole bunch of reasons that I'm freaking out...
1 - I'm a picker. I pick every little thing that's not totally smooth on my whole entire body. Arms, legs, face, butt cheeks, chest, boobs, feet, fingers, all of it. Therefore, there could be red marks anywhere. I pick til I bleed. Daily.
2 - There are 2 spots that would totally gross anyone out if in the right/wrong position. Inner thighs and stomach. Ew.
I could just wear my tine and cute little nightie and avoid all of the discomfort. It's lacey, sweet and tiny - short w/tiny spaghetti straps. Innocent with a touch of sexy - perfect. But I know he's going to want it off. Ugh! FUCK!
Oh - 3 - doggie style??? love it - only in the dark. Ever. With anyone. Who wants their butt(ok, brace yourself)hole up in anyone's plain sight? Not me! Skinny or chubby, no thanks! No! Never! Unless, of course, the lights are out. Not pitch black, but close.
4 - And Chris is so going to be the guy who will watch my face to make sure I'm enjoying it. Can be awkward, can be smooth and just fine. Hahaha. Soooo awkward though, potentially. (I'm secretly scolding myself: GROW UP!)
Pray for darkness and pray that when we have wake up sex, tomorrow, he'll be more accepting of me being in my nightie. Perfect scenario:
My flight lands, my mom or brother are there to pick me up. I go to my mom's, start my laundry (dark - favorite jeans and cute nightie!), pluck, shave, shower. Squeaky clean and mostly hairless from head to toe. Brush teeth. Moisturize from head to toe. Blow dry my hair - he loves my hair - did I mention that? *Side note: he has complimented my name, voice, hair, confidence, lips, white shirt that I wore on our first date - a lot. He's quite generous with compliments.* Apply small amount of make up. Enough to cover up redness in right brow area and gaping pores, but little enough that he thinks I don't wear much (oh - he complimented me on that already more than once, too - fyi). Write in blog while I wait for my clothes to dry. By now it's 5:30pm. I think I'll paint my toes or go for a cheap pedi on the way to his house. If he hasn't found Entourage, Season 1, I'll stop by each Blockbuster along the way. I probably won't eat because I'll be too nervous. I'll eat on the way home from the airport, that'll be enough. Keep tummy on the flatter side for 1st time sex with Chris! Oooooooook. Call him when I'm close. 7pmish. Pull into his complex and calm my nerve with a reminder that he adores me. Deep breath, deep breath. Whooooooooooooooo. Ok. I'm also meeting the dogs for the 1st time. Ugh. He's super excited for me to meet the girls...somehow he got the impression that I'm a dog lover. Hmmmm. Why? I can be friendly but do NOT sniff my crotch or lick my feet! Do girl dogs sniff crotches? Who says crotches? Ew.
Ok, he opens the door....aw, he's cuter than I remembered. Always is. He really is adorable and when I don't see him for a couple of days I forget. We hug, my arms on top - always are. That's how we fit. We kiss. And kiss a few more times. I'm thinking no tongue for a little while. Maybe though. We are great kissers together and tend to make out. A lot. But not obnoxiously in public. So far, in public, it's been quite affectionate, but we've managed to wait til the car to make out. Haha. But always, he gives off the vibe that he totally would make out anywhere, if I would. But he's respectful and a gentleman. And actually, when it comes down to it, I don't think he would slip me the tongue in public. I love that he wants to though. He stares just long enough that I know he likes me but short of being creepy. Way short of being creepy. He has a very sweet stare. More like he's interested and wants to know me. Our first (sober) kiss (we were wasted when we met and smooched!) - which I will forever consider our first kiss - was unexpected and perfect. We were in a coffee shop waiting for my latte and I turned around and it just happened. We gracefully collided right there and we both went in for the sweetest kiss at the exact same time. Met in the middle. It was the sweetest thing. How's that for a tangent? Ok....his house. I arrive.
We hug, kiss, meet Sequoia and Selawick, he finishes up doing whatever he was doing and then eventually we cozy up on the couch. I wish it was dark (outside), but it's not quite. I keep my street clothes on and we have to figure out how we fit on his couch together. It's our first time cuddling on the couch. Funnnn. I hope. He's short, but wide. An inch shorter than I am but his shoulders are broader. I had to be behind Adam or he couldn't see the tv. That sucked. I hated it. How will Chris and I put? Ew. Awkward again. Wait - didn't I just say funnn??? Ok, yes. Funnnn. But we'll figure that out. Entourage, Season 1 begins. We love it! Chris CRACKS up - I love love love his laugh! He'll probably try to curb his enthusiasm, as to not yell in my ear or thras around - his laugh is crazy. Awesome. And I'll tell him not to hold back but I'll still notice his chest inflating and he'll be trying to hold it in. Moving right along... Depending on how long Season 1 is, we either get sleepy or it ends and we (one of us) suggests bed. I suggest sleep and he suggests bed, both having the same intentions. It's dark. He wants to turn on the tv ( because he sleeps with it on - ick) and I slyly swoop in and kiss him away from the tv and say something smooth like: "We won't be watching anymore tv tonight, Hot Stuff." Just kidding. But I'll say something to get the tv to stay off. Whew. Darkness. There are lights outside his bedroom window that cast a glow into his room through the slats of his blinds, but just enough - not too much. (I took notice of this the first time I slept there - just in case)
The sex is as we both imagine it will be. Scorpio to Scorpio. Both more giving than taking. Passionate, but not crazy. Sensual, and not boring. Crazy will come, but not the first time or the second. Boring will never come. The stars and planets say so. Oh - and Chris? Not too big, but not too small. I hate both extremes and this will align with most everything else Chris has to offer. This adventure happily comes to an end and we're both sleepily smiling. I thank Chris and he tells me it was all he had hoped for and worth the wait. We sleep. At some point, because I know I will, I slip out of bed and put my mightie back on and go to the bathroom (you know you're supposed to pee after sex!). I slide back into bed, we kiss and go back to sleep. At first light one of us wakes the other one up and we have our first go at morning sex. Different than the night before, but pleasing just the same. I keep my nightie on this time and it's acceptable - this is the only iffy part. I hope it's acceptable. Some people like skin to skin - always. This time I'll totally be on top. Funnnn.
I'm really looking foward to this night/next morning being similar to this journal entry. High expectations? That's the way I roll. No, but really...this is the best case scenario. But I also think it's fairly realistic. Chris and I have been oddly connected since first meeting. He has politely asked me: "Get out of my head!" on more than one occasion. I could be right on here. All but the penis size - I'm not psychic, just intuitive.
How long our morning lasts will depend on whether or not I have a job to go to. Ugh. What a shitty snap back to reality. This will have to be dealt with asap. I'm pissed. Ok - now I've been writing since take off and we're 33 minutes from landing! How funnn! I'm SO glad I stopped in the bookstore to grab this notebook! I'll keep you posted! Sooooooooooon! I promsie!
Ok - now that was yesterday. The night occurred and I'll be honest - I wasn't too far off at all! It was awesome. I'm EXHAUSTED and have to go to bed. I'll write tomorrow with an update. I hope it wasn't too honest for you - it was me writing on paper not ever planning on putting it here so it's a little more blunt. But it's truthful, that's for sure! I'm not rereading - too tired. Sorry for errors, but I'll correct them tomorrow! I'm going to get back into leaving you with a song. Here is the lucky song of the day:
Need Your Space by Jason Vigil (this is who Chris and I went to see on our first date.)
Looking into me a different side you see and you don't mind it, you seem to like it
The crazy things I say, you turn a smile my way, and I don't mind it, in fact I like it
In fact I like it, you
Looking into you and everything you do, oh I like it, do you mind it
The way you look, your eyes, caught me by surprise, and I can't hide it, don't try to fight it
No need to fight it, no
And I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
Need your space
When you look at me I wonder what you see, does it make you happy?
Stunned by a glance, let's give us a chance 'cause you make me happy
And I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
Need your space, need your space, oh love, oh love
I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
Need your space, need your space, need your space
I've been chasing and you've been racing around to find our place
Stop time from wasting and get to facing the fact that you now know, I need your space
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Match? SUCH a good idea!
...and that's all I'm going to say about that! For now, anyway. However, I would like to share some photos with you all...my cute "date" outfit last night and my even cuter shoes!!! I had my brother take pics of me before I left. It was really cute...like it was my first date or something. I got ready at my mom's and my whole family was there to wish me well and tell me how pretty I looked, etc. It was funny. Anyway, here they are:
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Where do I even begin!?!?!?
Ok, let's start by saying I have good days and bad days with this break up. Today is a pretty good day, so far (it's not even 11am). Yesterday was a terrible terrible day! I woke up crying and continued crying until I got to my mom's house at 3pm. It really helped to be around my family and I stayed there until 8pm, when I had to get Wesley home for bed. Luckily, Wesley was a good little boy all day long and he helped me smile through my tears. Even Calvin was saying: "Auntie, what's wrong? Don't cry, Auntie." Very sweet, but also a little embarrassing. Haha. Oh well. The tears have dried for now. I'm just still so torn that Adam is seeing someone else. Wait...did I tell you guys that yet? I can't even remember my last blog entry! Anyway, yes...Adam's seeing a 21 year old virgin who doesn't smoke pot. On the one hand, it's good. Great, in fact, because she will keep us from getting back together - I called him 2 nights ago and he said he couldn't come over to my house because he felt like he would be cheating on her. Weird. That's what started the tears and why they continued on through yesterday. I just didn't think that in 2 weeks he'd be building on a relationship like he is. But I'm better today - realizing more and more each minute that this is what needs to happen - the bridges need to be completely burned down so that we're not going back and forth anymore, and I think that's what's happening now. Burn baby, burn!! I have a birthday party to go to on Friday night for Artis (a mutual friend) and I'm sure he'll be there - what if he brings her? He won't. But what if he does?!?!? That will be a total disaster. We'll cross that bridge when we get there. In the mean time...
I've updated my match profile. I need a distraction - not a boyfriend - just a distraction. Belle and Wesley combined aren't serving as enough of a distraction, so here comes dating I guess. I'm a little nervous - kind of nervous that I'll just start bawling in the middle of a date! Ha. Wouldn't that be something! No, no. That won't happen. (positive thinking works, right?) And about this match thing...wouldn't you know it! I've gotten a handful of emails and a bunch of winks in the last 2 days since I updated my profile and they're almost all under 5'5". I don't really want to change my height requirements for a date, but I was kind of looking forward to looking up into my dates eyes, as opposed to down into his eyes. Haha. Oh well...I refuse to discriminate on height and weight. So far. We'll see.
On another note, a great opportunity might be headed my way... A good friend of mine has a friend who is a nanny in LA, for 2 famous people (I don't want to put their names, because what if they google their own names and find this blog??? I don't want that to happen.). This particular nanny in LA is leaving her job in 4 weeks and called my friend here and asked her for my number...she is trying to help her bosses look for a replacement and supposedly I should be getting a phone call any minute! How GREAT would that be?!?!?!? 4 weeks isn't very long to tie up ALL my shit here though, but I would SO figure out a way to do it. I love Wesley and I would really miss him but COME ON! It sounds so amazing! I would (hopefully) sell my car, let the people I rent from know that I would be out in 30 days, give my notice at my job and pack my shit and GO! And don't forget...my great friend, Alex, is a nanny in Santa Barbara so we wouldn't be too far from each other...fun fun fun! I have NO idea what this job is all about. None. All I know is that nannying is involved and it is in LA. Seriously - 2 half time jobs could not be so great. Does part time mean that I wouldn't get all the great benefits that a full time nanny would get? But it IS that one really funny actor and also that one singer who has been around forever...they MUST take care of their nannies, right?!?! I guess I just have to hope for the best and wait to hear from them, I hate the waiting place...it's a most useless space...(name that book). If the money was right, I would seriously work around the clock for a while. I haven't really worked my butt off in a longgggg time and I could get all my bills paid off and enjoy no time to think for a while. Yes - I would SO love working my butt off around the clock, living in a new place that I've never even visited(!!!!), and making a little extra cash to get caught up on my debt. I really don't have much debt, but enough that it hangs over my head more days than it doesn't. I guess if this job doesn't pan out I could always just hit up an agency in that neck of the woods and see what's out there, huh? Well, I'll wait a little while before I do that, but it's at least an option. Wish me luck!!!!
I've updated my match profile. I need a distraction - not a boyfriend - just a distraction. Belle and Wesley combined aren't serving as enough of a distraction, so here comes dating I guess. I'm a little nervous - kind of nervous that I'll just start bawling in the middle of a date! Ha. Wouldn't that be something! No, no. That won't happen. (positive thinking works, right?) And about this match thing...wouldn't you know it! I've gotten a handful of emails and a bunch of winks in the last 2 days since I updated my profile and they're almost all under 5'5". I don't really want to change my height requirements for a date, but I was kind of looking forward to looking up into my dates eyes, as opposed to down into his eyes. Haha. Oh well...I refuse to discriminate on height and weight. So far. We'll see.
On another note, a great opportunity might be headed my way... A good friend of mine has a friend who is a nanny in LA, for 2 famous people (I don't want to put their names, because what if they google their own names and find this blog??? I don't want that to happen.). This particular nanny in LA is leaving her job in 4 weeks and called my friend here and asked her for my number...she is trying to help her bosses look for a replacement and supposedly I should be getting a phone call any minute! How GREAT would that be?!?!?!? 4 weeks isn't very long to tie up ALL my shit here though, but I would SO figure out a way to do it. I love Wesley and I would really miss him but COME ON! It sounds so amazing! I would (hopefully) sell my car, let the people I rent from know that I would be out in 30 days, give my notice at my job and pack my shit and GO! And don't forget...my great friend, Alex, is a nanny in Santa Barbara so we wouldn't be too far from each other...fun fun fun! I have NO idea what this job is all about. None. All I know is that nannying is involved and it is in LA. Seriously - 2 half time jobs could not be so great. Does part time mean that I wouldn't get all the great benefits that a full time nanny would get? But it IS that one really funny actor and also that one singer who has been around forever...they MUST take care of their nannies, right?!?! I guess I just have to hope for the best and wait to hear from them, I hate the waiting place...it's a most useless space...(name that book). If the money was right, I would seriously work around the clock for a while. I haven't really worked my butt off in a longgggg time and I could get all my bills paid off and enjoy no time to think for a while. Yes - I would SO love working my butt off around the clock, living in a new place that I've never even visited(!!!!), and making a little extra cash to get caught up on my debt. I really don't have much debt, but enough that it hangs over my head more days than it doesn't. I guess if this job doesn't pan out I could always just hit up an agency in that neck of the woods and see what's out there, huh? Well, I'll wait a little while before I do that, but it's at least an option. Wish me luck!!!!
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Bad Idea
Today absolutely sucked. No other way to put it. I showed up 2 hours late, kind of on purpose (wasn't sure if going was a good idea, so I kind of waited it out until Lynette and Tiffany convinced me: "You must move on and take this step, Nissa." Of course Adam was there - front and center. I instantly could tell I was going to burst into tears so I casually turned myself around and walked the other way - right smack into his twin brother. Fun. He just took one look at me and said: "Walk it off, baby girl, walk it off." Fair enough - and I did. After a small walk away, I went back into the party and got myself a paper cup of red wine....aaaaaahh. I returned Adam's smile from a distance and kept my *fake* smile planted on my face for a solid hour, tears intermittently sneaking there way out of my eyes (thank goodness for dark sunglasses). Adam eventually came over and said hello and gave me an awkward hug. Ugh. And then he asked me to go for a walk. Dumb. I said yes. Ugh. I'm KICKING myself. Adam's intentions were to sneak in a quickie in the woods - not so fast, Buster. Instead, it turned into a relationship discussion- you know the one. The one that totally FLOORS you and makes you feel as dumb as you've ever felt - that one. Adam started in with how happy he's been since I broke up with him and how he's never felt so "unjudged" in all his life. He can come and go as he pleases, he can smoke as much pot as he wants, he can shave his chest, take off his shirt flex his muscles and work out for hours without ever having to answer the phone to someone saying: "Why haven't you spent the night with me in so long?" That, I guess, is me on the other end of the phone - crazy for wanting to spend 1 or 2 nights a week with my boyfriend. The pressure - it's gone from his shoulders and he is a free man. All I could do was cry. Not sob, not even whine. Just tears - they wouldn't stop. I just looked at him and said: "I know. The worst thing in the world is when someone likes and loves you so much that they want to spend the night with you once in a while." He was speechless at that for about 20 seconds and then kissed me on the cheek and realized how mean what he had said was. All I could do was stand up and walk away. Stunned. He later found me on his way out and told me that he was sorry for making me cry, kissed me on the cheek and asked me if he could call me. I couldn't answer. I just turned away. Fun. What a fun day. Oh - and Mikie. Ugh...
I had a fantastic time with Mikie - we drove to the mountains (Vail), we hung out in Lodo, we spent hours upon hours with Belle (bathing her, riding her and just having a good old time out there!), we saw great music, we laughed and talked and laughed. NO CHEMISTRY whatsoever - romantic chemistry, that is. Today, as I was dropping Mikie off, I just knew it was coming...I'm not tooting my horn, I could just feel it in my bones!
Mikie: So....
(Nissa's thoughts: NO NO NO PLEASE DON'T SAY IT!!!)
Mikie: I don't want to ruin anything here, but if we should ever find ourselves on a romantic cruise somewhere, you should know I still have a pretty huge crush on you...
Nissa: *nervous giggle* hahaha - Oh, Mikie. Hahaha. Oooooooook. Have a great flight! Bye!
AAAAAAhhhhhhhhhh! WHY!?!?!? And it was going to be so fun to have him back in my life as a friend. I hope I can get past this weirdness that I let that one sentence create! UGH UGH UGH a thousand times today, all around.
I had a fantastic time with Mikie - we drove to the mountains (Vail), we hung out in Lodo, we spent hours upon hours with Belle (bathing her, riding her and just having a good old time out there!), we saw great music, we laughed and talked and laughed. NO CHEMISTRY whatsoever - romantic chemistry, that is. Today, as I was dropping Mikie off, I just knew it was coming...I'm not tooting my horn, I could just feel it in my bones!
Mikie: So....
(Nissa's thoughts: NO NO NO PLEASE DON'T SAY IT!!!)
Mikie: I don't want to ruin anything here, but if we should ever find ourselves on a romantic cruise somewhere, you should know I still have a pretty huge crush on you...
Nissa: *nervous giggle* hahaha - Oh, Mikie. Hahaha. Oooooooook. Have a great flight! Bye!
AAAAAAhhhhhhhhhh! WHY!?!?!? And it was going to be so fun to have him back in my life as a friend. I hope I can get past this weirdness that I let that one sentence create! UGH UGH UGH a thousand times today, all around.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Tomorrow will be a big day...
Tomorrow is going to be the first time I see Adam since we officially broke up last week. I'm SO nervous. I'm not absolutely positive that I'll see him, but I'm pretty sure. It's a 4th of July party that all of our friends will be at and I'm going. I weighed it out and I just don't want to miss out on it because he might be there. Ugh. I'm feeling very nervous for Mikie to leave because he has been such a fun distraction to the fact that I miss Adam. AAAAHHHH! Wish me luck! Actually - let's just pray that Adam won't be there and this won't be an issue! Yes - manifestation - Adam is NOT even going to be at this party, so what a pointless blog!!!! Whew!
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Because you're all DYING to know!!!!
Mikie is here and we are having a blast! So much fun, but no romantic sparks! I knew the second I laid eyes on him that it was going to be just like old times - buddies, for sure! He is a doll, but we are more like brother and sister than anything else - it's awesome. Like we never skipped a beat in 15 years! Our plans have been somewhat diverted, but still having a great time. Mikie ended up coming in Saturday morning and we went to breakfast with my dad and then went out to see Belle, and then back to Denver to take a nap (it was 100 degrees out and sleeping in the a/c was the only thing that sounded like a relief from the heat) and then we went out to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory on the 16th Street Mall, had a drink downtown and headed home - in bed by midnight. Fun fun day. And then today we got up early, went for coffee and headed to Vail - we stopped at the outlet shops on the way up - and had lunch in the cooler (it was 86 up there and 100 down here) weather in the beautiful mountains. Tomorrow or the next day I will load pics. I'm excited that we have two more days of fun stuff! I'll keep you posted!!!
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