Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Quick Update
correction
Monday, March 10, 2008
Off the top of my head...
Sunday, March 9, 2008
It's On!
Where do I even start???? Ugh. I’m SO aggravated right now, but it’s temporary. I could SCREAM!
It’s been months since I’ve written here, and to be honest, I have no desire to completely catch up. I don’t even remember where I left off. Let’s just sum it up…in-a-nutshell-style.
In October, my world in
It felt great to be home, after 12 years. It was comforting to be around my great big family (grandmother, cousins, and aunts and uncles) and all my favorite old friends – who also happen to be a few of the best people in the entire world (I’ve kept in touch with all my great friends here and love all of their kids and husbands, etc., so it’s GREAT to be able to get to know all of them better through spending more quality time together)! Almost immediately after my arrival, I got all wrapped up in a crazy whirlwind of a relationship with one of my best friend in the world’s brother – 39 year old recently separated, father of 3. Sounds awful and dangerous, but to be honest, it was amazing. We had a great connection and undeniable chemistry. It was the fun that we had and the deep, meaningful talks that brought us close, and the world around us that tore us apart. Some say bad timing, and sometimes I agree. Some say it was his fault and he’s a bad guy, but that I will never agree with. He was going through a tough time, as was I. He just had so many more complications and his head was cloudy. I’m not making excuses for him, I honestly believe it. Even though my heart broke a little when I learned his truth, I still think the world of him. He’s a great dad and a great guy…just a little mixed up when it comes to his heart and love. Anyone in his situation would be. Regardless of the different opinions that people have about what we had and how we had it (and believe me, people have opinions about this…strong opinions), I think it’s fair to say that we both loved every minute of it, but we should’ve made some better decisions through it all. Moving right along…
The day after – literally – we broke up, I began dating an old friend (more like an acquaintance) from high school. I thought (along with everyone else in this whole damn town) that he was the perfect catch. Infectious laughter and smile, a little old fashioned, great family, good career and lots of friends. Although I wasn’t sure about the romantic connection and chemistry, I decided: “What the heck…at least I know he’s a good guy.” Dumb. Whatever…we all know that I can be dumb when it comes to love choices. Desperate to be in a normal relationship (whatever that means), desperate to find the one, hating being 30 without the love of my life next to me. What can I say other than: DUMB. But I live and learn a little more each time. I’m making no promises to be smarter in love. That would fall in line with being dumb again.
Needless to say, this relationship has also ended. There was certainly no heart ache involved in this break up – thank GOD! Seriously. Hallelujah. This kind of break up is smoooooooooth sailing for me. I joke that I’m an old pro at breaking up, and that I just struggle with the staying together part. It’s funny and we all laugh when I say that, but it’s not really true. I’m usually in quite long relationships, and broken hearts are never easy for me. But this? Piece of cake. And it’s one of those break ups that I know won’t get harder…not much has changed in my life since we broke up and we weren’t dating long enough, nor did we spend enough time together, for him to be part of my life and routine that I will miss. Whew.
Ok, now that we have my love life out of the way, let’s get to the good stuff!
I’m LOVING LIFE right now. I have been for some time, actually. Since my arrival on October 7th, I have been to acupuncture pretty close to once a week. It’s the best thing I’ve done for myself in a long long time. My acupuncturist is also one of my brother’s closest childhood friends. I’ve known him since I was in middle school, if not longer. He’s different from anyone I’ve ever known in my life. He knows more about me than I know about myself and he has helped me so much. Going to see him is like going to an amazing day spa and having an intense psychiatric evaluation/therapy session at the same time. I come out feeling like a noodle physically (that zombie-ish feeling that you have when you come out of a great massage), and my mind is at ease as well. Those are two feelings that I adore. Because I do it so often and so consistently, I hardly have time to get all wound up inside and out and I walk around pretty darn balanced. More balanced than I knew I needed to be, actually.
I also work out regularly. My aunt, who has become one of my closest friends since I got here, and I are on a pretty strict workout schedule and she makes me get my ass there, and I make her push harder once we get there. We’re a good team. We’ve come a long way together since we started going 2 months ago. I can’t say I’ve dropped dramatic amounts of weight, but I feel worlds better and I know it does this body good.
Another thing that I’m absolutely loving about being back here, is that I have a new found love for my grandmother. She pretty much raised me and we were always incredibly close, up until I moved away 12 years ago. I could never figure out why or really put my finger on it, but I just felt like she didn’t like me or something. I was determined when I got here, to get to the bottom of it and put an end to it. It took a good couple of months, but I kept at it and it has really paid off. Now I get to be that typical grown granddaughter that takes her grandmother to her appts out of town and shopping when she needs to. It’s great. We have been laughing and having such a good time together…a lot like old times. It means a lot to both of us and this alone has made the trip home worth it.
I’ve been bouncing around, babysitting part-time for different families since October. Not really sure what I wanted to do (as far as where I wanted to live and what I wanted to do for work), I didn’t want to commit to anything. I decided about a month ago that I was definitely staying and that I wanted to stick with nannying. I decided that I was going to make a career out of it, and that’s what I’ve done. I found the perfect fit for a job and I really feel like things are all falling into place. It’s a good feeling. I’m just starting to make some money, so now I can start chipping away at the debt I’ve created since I started bumming around here 6 months ago. Luckily, my aunt and uncle have a hostile-style home (unofficially) and they have let me stay here and chip in (or not) whatever I can when I have some extra cash for food and such. It’s been a lot like the idea I had in my head of people living with their parents well past high school…I didn’t really have the typical home life, so I had no idea what it was like to be an adult and sit down (in someone else’s home) to a well balanced meal (compulsive starch, protein and veggie) every night and the whole “mi casa es su casa” mentality. It’s so warm and comforting here. The more the merrier, all the way around. I love it! It has been the perfect place to be, I must say. I also have my cousin here, and now I think I almost know what it’s like to have a sister. I’m not sure if she’d agree, but I say: FUN, FUN, FUN! We got to skip all the high school years together and the “I hate you” stages of life. I’m sure I drive her nuts, because I steal all her clothes and make up. Her favorite snacks have now become my favorite snacks, which means she has a harder time finding them when she wants them, but she swears she doesn’t mind. Also, her favorite friends have become my favorite friends. Haha. She’s 8 years younger than I am and some people who know me through her have referred to me as her “aunt,” but I refuse to let that make me feel old. Haha. It gives us all a good laugh, and there’s nothing wrong with that. She’s so much like me and so different than I am (in the ways that I wish I could be, mostly) that I can’t help but love her the most. She’s sweet under her bitchy way, and calls me on my shit. I always need one of those in my life, or I might get a little carried away. Who me? Yep. Me.
Another fun part of my life is apartment/house hunting! I love this step in getting settled. The money aspect of it all worries me right now, but that’ll get easier as my pay seems more regular. I’ve not had a full work week’s pay yet, so I’m still a little anxious about that all. Well…as anxious as one can get when attending The Well (my acupuncturist’s office) once a week!
Just a little added excitement for today: My cousin helped me make the BEST mixed CD today! 18 songs that I’ve written down in my planner for the past month. I’ve been consistently grabbing my planner from my bag every time I hear a song that I like. I quickly jot down who I think it sounds like and some of the lyrics and then go home and find the artist and song. Some of the songs have become somewhat popular since I started the list, but to be honest I’ve only heard most of them two or three times. I love that. Knowing that I love a song but not really sure what made me love it in the first place. I am listening to it right now and I am SO excited to learn every word of each of these 18 songs and wear them all out in the car this week!!!! Woohoooooo! Life is good.
I feel SO much better than I did when I started typing this. Blogging is such a better stress relief than a cigarette. It’s good to be back!
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Can I handle being (best) friends with his mom?
Well, first, let me just say that I absolutely love my friendship with Adam's mom. Love it. Most of the time, almost ALL of the time, it's completely separate from Adam. We have coffee, almost every day, with Wesley. We are day time friends, mostly. Sometimes we'll grab dinner, but usually coffee and/or lunch. We go for walks, we chat on the phone. We're totally girlfriends. We talk every day. She's great. I love her to pieces! But...
Every once in a while, she slips up. She is, after all, always going to be my ex-boyfriend's mother first. The good thing is, she's always the first one to tell me (or fess up, so to speak) when something happens that she knows might upset me, having to do with crossing lines with Adam or something like that. It's only happened a few times and nothing major. One time I got mad at her and didn't talk to her for 3 days. But for the most part, it's been great. She's been great. A great friend. A much needed friend, at times, too.
I had dinner with her last night. We talked of my move. I didn't say not to tell Adam, it was a given. I thought. So she calls me tonight:
"I'm so sorry, but I told Adam you're moving."
FUCKKKKKKKKKK! WHYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!? "I don't know why, it was so stupid, I'm so sorry." But honestly, I'm not really mad. It just gives me one MORE reason to be in any kind of communication with Adam. Of course, I want to know his reaction, what he said, what she said, blah blah blah. Holy can of worms.
Now the trouble is this: I will use ANY old excuse to text or call Adam. Any. So, in typical Nissa fashion, I text Adam about an hour later. Oh, wait. His response to Carole telling him the news was: "He gasped. He said OMG, should I call her? What should I do?" That was Carole telling me this. Ok, the text:
N: "I don't want to hear a word from you about my moving. She shouldn't have told you, but she did and that's that. Leave it alone."
And then immediately following:
N: "I'm not moving because of you, I stayed because of you and now I'm leaving. It was my plan before I met you, remember?"
Notice the open ended text, people. Ick. That's me and how I am with Adam. Reaching. Pathetic. His response, almost immediately:
A: "I hope you're alright. I think it's very brave of you. I'm sorry."
What? No: DON'T GO! COME BACK! I'LL CHANGE! I'LL BE BETTER!?!?!? Really? That's it? Am I surprised? No.
So, I explained all of this to Carole and told her all of this. I told her that this is what will keep me from being close friends with her. This entire scenario, which mostly boils down to my lack of self control, will be the death of our friendship. I realize it's mostly my lack of self control. I know it's there and so I can't be exposed to these types of situations just yet. Period.
Friday, September 7, 2007
Quick update
So Chris and I? We ended that Friday night - the night in which I posted and promised to be single by the next night (which would've been Saturday night). He hasn't been calling or texting or emailing or anything. Well, he DID email me on Sunday night with some apologies, etc. for all of his drinking and his feeling responsible for the relationship going awry so quickly. I accepted his apology and told him not to beat himself up over it because I have my own issues that added fuel to the fire, etc. Then I got a IM thanking me for pointing out his drinking problem to him and that he was getting the help he needed, etc. and that our relationship served as a godsend type thing, so that he could take care of it before it got too bad. I thought the email was nice, and appreciated. Ok, buh bye. I think that was the last I'll hear from him. He served a purpose for me, as well - confidence booster. Thank you, Chris.
However, I should never have let Adam back in my after that confidence boost. He has such a way of making me feel fat, ugly and rotten from the inside out. Why did I let him back in, even if not fully? I spent much of a couple of nights this week in tears...over Adam...again. WHY do I give him so much power? Ick. Anyway, I've come to my senses, started back at therapy and started reading Eat Love Pray (LOVING it!), along with checking in on It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken from time to time.
On another note, I'm totally hating my job. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the baby. Love. But I don't like his mother and it's taking it's toll. So, today folks, I gave my landlords my notice that I'll be moving out by the end of October. I'm moving, friends. Not sure where, but I'm moving. Out of state. I'm going to take advantage of the fact that people are paying people like me good money to take care of their children in areas other than Boulder, CO. I'm really excited, really nervous and (did I mention) really excited!
Also, I saw Jonny Lang last night! I had 2 tickets, and when I bought them, Chris was going to go with me. But I bought them and I really wanted to go. I had NO idea who to take. None. I don't really have any friends here that like to see music shows unless they know them and know they like that particular artist/band. I used to drag Brendan (although I didn't ever have to drag him - he was always more than willing) to shows a lot when he lived here, Alex was always up for a good show when she lived here and so was Brooke before she moved to Colombia. Ugh. I thought about taking my mom - she's into good music. But then I was so torn because so is my stepfather. Ugh. I even pondered giving them both the tickets and forfeitting the show all together so that they could go together. Then it hit me! It's general admission and not sold out...so I called my mom and they just bought one more ticket and the 3 of us went. It was perfect! And the show??? UNBELIEVABLE! This little white guy (26 years old) came out on stage and rocked the socks of the entire crowd for 2 and a half hours! He'd speak to the audience, between songs, in this tiny little sweet voice and then once he started playing music it was like it took over his entire being and controlled him - this AMAZING, soulful, deep yet high at times, voice BELTED out and his guitar playing skills were phenomenal! If ever you have the chance, check him out! SO worth it. SO!
Hmmmm...what else? I have this horse clinic on Sunday with Belle. I'm excited - it's about learning trust and conquering fears, etc. using your horse and their intuition and senses, etc. I'm not super clear on how it will work (obviously by my explanation), but I'll let you know next week. Belle has been an absolute angel for the past week, so I'm not sure what issues she and I will work on with the "horse whisperer." I've been riding her bareback, with just a halter, even out in the pasture with the other horses, as sort of a test to see if I could control her. She passed with flying colors! It wasn't too long ago that I couldn't even control her with a big huge saddle and a big ole steel bit in her mouth! My my my, how consistent and hard work pays off! Go Belle! Go Nissa, actually. I worked so hard with her for the past 7 months and she's really responded well! Wheeeeeeeeeee! Just in time for me to leave her! Ugh. Belle, I will mis terribly!! And the riding, it's good for my soul. I'll miss that. Geez, I hadn't thought of that. Well there have to be horses wherever it is I'm going, right?
I guess I had more to say than I thought. That's always fun.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Patience, My Dear, Patience
This is basically how the last few weeks have gone:
Chris is great. He showers me with affection, compliments, great sex, all the time I could ever ask for, etc. He's absolutely wonderful....most of the time. And then things like this happen: Last Friday night, I went out with some girlfriends and Chris met us out (big no no and Lynette was PISSED! - she claims she didn't like him from day one....bad vibe. I kinda don't believe that because she was SO gung ho about him for the first couple of weeks. Whatever.). Now Lynette and Chris have not liked each other for a while now, and they are both very open about it. To me. Ugh. I hate knowing that and then them both being fake to each other when they're around each other. It's uncomfortable for only me because neither of them know the other one doesn't like them. Ok. So Friday night. They're doing their usual nicey nice act and so I leave them for TWO minutes. TWO! I come back and they're SCREAMING at each other - fuck you! no, fuck you! you fucking bitch! i've never fucking liked you and i'm so sick of pretending i do just for nissa! Oh, nice, kids. Real nice. Ugh. So I take Chris by the arm and drag him out of Round Midnight - now keep in mind, this place is closed and I'm friends with most of the people that work there and they're all witnessing this. So not something I want to be happening with my "boyfriend" at 29 years old at a bar I've been frequenting since I turned 21. Ick! Oh - and this was all AFTER he got in a fight on the dance floor with someone who spilled and bumped me. Ew. Bar fights - they're regular thing with him. Funnnn. So back to Lynette and Chris... Apparently, when I left them to go into the back room at Round Midnight, Chris asked Lynette if I was doing coke in there. She FLIPPED. She claims that if he knew me at all he would (and he claims to love me - and she's heard him say so!) KNOW I would never touch that stuff. Well in his defense, he doesn't know me. I haven't let him know me on that level. It's a weird thing.
In my past relationships, I've been an open book. I'm always too quick to open up and I get just as wrapped up in the whole thing as Chris is and has been since day one. This relationship? Not so much. I seriously don't give a shit about what happens. I was not the least bit offended that Chris thought (and was really pushy in asking Lynette, apparently, over and over) I might do cocaine. I seriously don't care. And to be honest, I seriously didn't really care that those two got in a fight. Chris thinks I'm a very stand offish person. He thinks I've been so hurt that I have thick walls up that he has to break down. Last night before bed he said: "Baby, I know you've been hurt and you're scared. I'm not ever going to hurt you." WHAT WHAT WHAT?!?!? It was all I could do not to chuckle. And furthermore, I don't care about much when it comes to him. I can go a whole week without seeing him and still have other things I want to get done before I make the hour long drive to his house (including laundry!). If he doesn't call me all day (like today), I really don't care. And the thing is, I know he's only not calling because he's trying to wait to see if I'll call him. He's trying to prove a point. The other morning, we had an entire day planned and when we woke up his phone was ringing off the hook - I asked him who it was (thinking it was his parents, to be honest) and he wouldn't tell me. He was trying to pretend it was something worth being jealous over. Duh. So I said - "Are you sure you don't want to tell me?" And when he said yes, I said: "Well, then I guess it's time for you to leave." Chris: "Really?" Yep. And so he did. I kicked him out after he drove an hour to get here, just because I refuse to deal with his shit.
I've heard that you're supposed to be in a relationship (supposed to be....haha. who says?!?!?) that the other person likes you more than you like them. That ensures that you won't get too wrapped up in: "oh no! he didn't call me!" bull shit. It's kind of nice. Apathy. Not my usual thing. It's kind of nice to not care. It's kind of carefree, if you will. It feels almost healthier. I'm sure Chris wouldn't agree, but I feel that way. I get it. It's nice to not give a shit. Here's the catch to this whole not giving a shit thing:
I still get wrapped up in whether or not Adam's going to call. Haha. How fucked up is that?!?!? He has a girlfriend (Nancy) and I have Chris. But there are so many times throughout the day that I think: Well, just because he's at Burning Man all week, doesn't mean he won't go to that special camp that they have these weird phones that you have to like point directly at the sun to get a signal. He could call. He might call. Now why, people, would he call ME? Haha. He won't. But he might. So see? I give a shit. Just not about my relationship with Chris. Ugh.
Ever been to that stage of a relationship that you absolutely despise everything about that person? Like when they touch you, you get SOOOOOO creeped out that you actually HAVE to move away, even if they're going to notice? When they wake up in the morning next to you and they quietly smack their lips, just enough so you can hear it, and you want to SCREAM: "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!?" Ever cringe when someone talks baby talk to their dogs? Or worse yet, to YOU!?!? Ever wanna crack up when someone says: "I know you're not ready to meet my parents...I explained to them that you're just nervous and you'll come around..." !?!?!? Hahaha. Um, no. I'm not NERVOUS to meet your parents. I just have better things to do. I think it's because I'm ahead of my time (some say Grandma, I say mature). Either way, I think it's clear what needs to happen. So what do I say? How do I actually break up with him? What do I say? Ew. We've broken up (do we see a pattern in my behavior people?) before and then I get sucked back in. He gets REALLY upset - like his mom went to his house one night and spent the night...he was "having a hard time."
Mark my words: I will be single - yet again - by tomorrow night. Thankfully.
Oh - It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken?????? Loving it. Learning some new tricks...mostly to help me with my breakup with Adam.
Aaaahhh.....Adam. I sure do love and miss that boy. I wish he'd send his ass off to rehab and realize what the hell we could have been! That will go away. With time, right? Time being single and actually dealing with the breakup itself? Yes. It will. Ugh.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeewww. All caught up. There will be some other things worth mentioning from the past couple of months, I'm sure. I'll explain those as we go I guess.
Goodnight!
