Remember when this was called: It Starts With Goodbye?

My first night in my new house!

Wooooooohooooooo! I’m really excited to be in my own space again. It’s been a while. I moved out of my old place in Boulder at the beginning of October – that means it’s been 6 months since I’ve been on my own. Although it was much needed time with my family and a perfect scenario, I’m ready to be here again. By here again I mean having my own place to call home. I really really enjoy living alone. To be honest, it scares me a little…will I ever be able to make room for a special someone someday? They say if it’s the right person, you can always make room for them…let’s hope. I guess Adam and I lived pretty well together, all in all. I cried some over his mess that he left around, but other than that, I did Ok. I think. Haha. I’m sure I have friends who will let me know that I complained more than I remember about it. But, whatever. Not enough to make a lasting impression, apparently. Speaking of Adam…oh, I’ll get to that later. Right now, let’s talk more about my house. I currently have NO living room furniture. Well, no furniture at all, really, other than my bedroom (which is fully furnished). I figured I can wait on the other stuff…as long as I have a comfortable bedroom until I can afford the rest, I’m set. And I am…I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE my bedroom. I have some other things throughout the rest of the house (curtains, pictures, lamps, dishes, etc.) and I absolutely adore everything in the whole place. But I’m thrilled with how cozy my bedroom turned out. I went with a compleeeeeeetely different style in here than I ever have before…this is bright and cheery. Very colorful. Usually I’m all about dark wood and browns, etc. But this little cottage-type house just wasn’t going to work with that style. Lucky for me (not so lucky for my wallet), I sold everything I had when I left Boulder, so I had to start fresh. When I get the rest of my stuff moved over (i.e. the cord that attaches my camera to my computer), I’ll post some pics. You’re going to love it, I just know it! I’m hoping to be in a better situation in mid-May to buy my living room furniture.

Ooooooook. Now, back to Adam…

I talked to him today. For an hour and a half!!! I’ve been thinking about him and missing him a lot lately. It’s not been fun. At all! I’ve been thinking over and over about how I really liked who Adam was as a person, I just didn’t like his habits. I used to think I was trying to change who Adam was, and that’s how I finally convinced myself that the relationship was not meant to be, and finally move on. Whatever that means. I had decided that I wanted to be with someone who was already the way that I wanted him to be (and vice/versa)…someone who I didn’t have to change. And that’s certainly still true… but looking back, I realize that I was trying to change Adam’s habits and not who he actually was as a person. Dating other people here in Gloucester, I’ve realized that I don’t like many people (I mean guys, more or less) the way I liked Adam. I liked the way Adam thinks, I liked the way we talked, the things we talked about. I liked his ideas and ideals. He could keep my attention for hours when he started talking about something he was passionate and knowledgeable about – and he could always get me to come around to see things from his point of view, if I wasn’t there before. I had forgotten about all of this stuff until I started dating and realizing I didn’t like these guys. Ugh. I like Joe as a person. He’s a nice guy. But my GOODNESS…are we different!!! And other people I’ve dated since I’ve been here. I just haven’t really had a deep conversation with any guy that has captured me, so to speak. Or just a conversation that really made me think more about it, once it was over. Unless, of course, it was a conversation that really annoyed or bothered me.

So over the past week or so, I’ve been thinking a lot about Adam. Because of these types of thoughts – the whole: “he’s so great…blah blah blah,” I’ve been really missing Adam. I’m smart enough to realize that Adam and I had our problems and that it’s probably better off that we’re not together…but there’s a big huge BUT when I think that way. Adam no longer smokes pot. How fucked up is that? The ONE big problem Adam and I had was pot and how often he smoked and how he promised and promised and promised that he wasn’t going to smoke and he did and he lied about it. We didn’t have ONE single problem until that became an issue (other than leaving the toilet seat up types of problems)…I’m not kidding. It was what started our downhill spiral and what helped it continue until we fell totally apart. Adam is now living in Mexico (and not working – just living off the company that I worked so hard to get running smoothly back before Adam and I broke up) part-time with his pregnant girlfriend…the same girl that he was sleeping with when I was still in the picture. It makes me CRAZY! He’s got a cozy little life set up for him…and he thanks me every time we talk for making him a better person…a better boyfriend, nonetheless. Wonderful. Yes, I’m bitter. But not completely. I do find it in me to be thankful for where I am and to be thankful for all that has happened in my life (even in the incredibly hard times I went through with and after Adam) that has helped me to get here. But STILL! Ugh.

All in all, I have to say: it was an incredible talk that Adam and I had. Sure, we rehashed some old shit, but in a very civil and grown up (and pretty much moved on) way. But mostly, we just talked and talked about things. A deep conversation that just flowed and flowed and next thing I knew, it was an hour and a half later. I LOVE that about Adam. We talked about life and different theories and perspectives. We talked about society. We talked about books (Adam has also taken up reading since we broke up…something I have always enjoyed and Adam hated – just something else that I always wished we had in common when we were together) and the difference reading makes in your life, etc. We talked about how we’re currently bettering ourselves as people, and we talked about how we plan to do more in that area, etc. We talked about babies…even his. He’s oddly (I’m not sure if it bothers me, necessarily, so I’ll just leave it at odd for now) naming his son the name that he and I had specifically picked out for our son…my little brother’s (who died when we were young) name. In Adam’s defense, it is a shortened version of his late father’s name, but (again) STILL! How weird is that going to be if we eventually both have our first born son with the same name? Kinda funny, I suppose. I could let it make me cry, but I’m sort of laughing it off and shaking my head (inside). Aaaaahhh. Big sigh.

After our lengthy talk, I told Adam that I had to go. I told him that I wanted to get off the phone while I still had a smile on my face, as opposed to getting too wrapped up in my head and realizing that this conversation could actually make me miss him more. It did and it didn’t. I guess I’m just trying to be happy that I’m where I am and happy for him that he’s where he is and that he’s doing so well. Sure…I wish he was doing the things he’s doing now when we were together, and I wish that (in some ways) it was us doing the things that he is doing with her, but as my dad always says: “It is what it is, my dear.” And it is. Now that it’s 11pm, and I want to get on a schedule right away (being that it’s my first night in my new place), I’m going to go to bed. Good night and good luck. I have no idea why I said that, but it reminded me of something Adam said earlier… Adam told me to rent Good Luck Chuck. He said that he thinks I am Chuck in a way. He said he thought of me when he saw the movie…great. I have a feeling I’m not going to be thrilled when I rent it and realize that this is what he thinks of me, but that’s ok. He was trying to come from a good place when he said it, so we’ll see. Just going by the conversation we were having at the time, it must be along the lines of Chuck being the boyfriend that comes right before every girl’s husband. That’s me, to a point. I feel like I’m usually the ex-girlfriend that is really liked by her ex-boyfriends…then they seem to end up with the next girlfriend that they have. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way…there are at least a few songs about being the girlfriend who “got him ready for you…” Ok – I’m getting side-tracked and rambling. Goodnight, friends. Here’s to a good night’s sleep in my new house, in my new bedroom, on my new mattress! I hope it’s as comfortable as I’m thinking it is. Another big sigh.

Oh! My friend, Dom Nicastro, posted this on his blog and I wanted to share it with you. I like the message in it. It’s something I’ve often thought of, in some way or another, but he actually put it down on paper. Here it is:



Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Question yourself
Leonardo DiCaprio’s character in The Departed, Billy Costigan, strikes a heavy chord with one of his early lines in this exchange:
Uncle Ed: Are you trying to prove something to the family (by becoming a policeman)?
Billy Costigan: When you say "the family," who do mean exactly? You?
Uncle Ed: You always have to question everything, don’t you?
Billy Costigan: Maybe it would have done you some good to have some "questions" from time to time, you know? "Am I an asshole? Are my kids a mess? Is my wife a money-grubbing whore?" I mean, those are questions, right? "Have I ever been good to my dying sister or am I just now pretending to be?"
Uncle Ed: Do you need some money for the funeral?
Funny isn’t it?
I think we all have a little Uncle Ed in us. We question each other all the time. Why are they doing this? Why are they doing that?
What we don’t do enough is question ourselves. Billy Costigan knows his snobby, arrogant uncle. And he knows he’s the kind of guy who does a pretty good job of looking around him while never quite getting a good glance at the guy in the mirror.
We all need to do more of that – look in the mirror and question ourselves. I try to ask myself questions every day: Am I being a good fiancé? Am I being a good father figure? Do I make my family proud? Do I make my fiancé smile? Do I teach my son the right lessons? Am I fulfilling my duties as a good friend?
So do me a favor tomorrow -- question yourself. Am I loyal to the mother of my child? Do I truly know the people I presumptuously judge? Do I go to the source, or rely on public perception? Do I know the definition of a true friend? Have I truly lived and experienced the world beyond my comfort zone?
So tomorrow, stop questioning the people around you. And start asking some questions to the figure in the mirror. He could probably use a few.

Oh...and by the way?

Maybe two days after my big: "Life is good," post, I had a total meltdown. When my brother and I were texting about how exciting it is that they're having another baby, he replied with: "Yes. Now all we're missing is the beach and YOU!" The guilt. As if I hadn't already thought of how much I'm going to miss being around this baby. And then on top of that, I JUST found a great job...but then I got a text of a seemingly WONDERFUL job which would place me in Boulder, Maui, Aspen and some other fabulous place...jet setting all over the world with a very rich (and down to earth, nice) family and their newborn. Ugh - I was questioning everything that I had felt so sure about just days earlier. It was awful! But I called my best friend in Rhode Island and she talked me down from the ledge, so to speak. Then, LUCKILY(!), I had acupuncture that very evening. *He* (wonder of all wonders, as a man) fixed my head. I'm totally serious - if you don't have an acupuncturist...find one. Amazing. But THEN I managed to have such a GREAT weekend, reminding me (once more) of why I'm staying here and why I love it so much. It was one of my greatest friends' little boy's 1st bday... It was SO great to begin the tradition of all of us finally being in the same place, and sharing in the lives of our children and husbands (ok - I'm the only one who doesn't have at least ONE of the afore mentioned, but still!) and all of that good stuff that has become so important. After the bday party, all the grandma's took the kids and we (my core group of girls and their significant others) all went to dinner and out after that for drinks. It was SO much fun and just so so nice to be able to spend the time together - one of our friends didn't make it because she had to work, but I was able to pick up her daughter (also 1 yr old) and take her to the party with me, so she wouldn't miss out. Our one pregnant friend and her husband went home after dinner, but it was a great time had by all up until that point, too. I'm so glad I'm here. I really am. Now if I can just feel a little bit calmer about moving in a week with NO furniture or anything else. Man. Deep breaths. Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh. It'll all work out, I know it will.

My favorite thing to day dream about!!!

This is the back of the house - back door and yard and stuff. Cute!
















Just to show how big the yard is...








This is a picture from a spot in the yard on the side of the house. Just to show the space.


















The kitchen is SO small, but cute nonetheless. And it's at an angle that doesn't allow for good picture taking.























This is the view from the living room. It's a little piece of the yard, the storage shed, and then the ocean beyond that. I'm wondering how much ocean I'll be able to see when the trees fill in...but whatever. It's really close.

And on the inside...

Here, to the right: the bedroom.















Up above is the view from the living room toward the kitchen.






And this is what it looks like when standing in the kitchen and looking toward the living room. The small door peeking through on the right side is the bedroom. That partial wall is what separates the bedroom and living room - no bedroom ceiling, so it is definitely a one person house. Lofty feeling. Notice the high ceilings and the skylights.

Just to be clear...

...to the left of the house is the ocean. You can see it in the picture here, and the view of the ocean is much better from the back steps. The ocean is so good for my soul. I feel the difference every day that I'm here. I'm not kidding. Not even a little bit.

Yeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaa!

I feel like it should be: yeehaw, but I don't say it like that. Anyway...guess what??? I signed a 1 year lease today!!!! I'm SO excited!!!! It's not RIGHT on the water, but I can see the ocean from my back door step, and actually from the living room window also! A house! A tiny house, but still a house. And a house with a big yard and a storage shed, window boxes, planting areas. I think it's so grown up to live in a house. My first time.

Can I get a.....

I really do need to get to bed, but I just wanted to write a few quick lines...

I have officially started my new job...LOVE it! My days are supposed to be 8am-5:30pm, and at first I was really dreading the long hours (mostly because I'm not used to that!). However, last night I was praying for more time during the day and then again today, the same thing. I worked until 6:10pm last night and 7:20pm tonight! I'm loving how they appreciate me taking over everything kid related and whipping the family into shape. I feel like...I don't know...Suzie Homemaker and Super Nanny combined. Haha. I've reorganized almost every cabinet/closet in the entire house and the freezer is tomorrow. I LOVE that kind of stuff. Looking at an entire pantry that is completely organized and in such great order brings me such great pleasure and the best sense of satisfaction! Haha. Crazy, but true. And did I mention that I get paid by the hour?

Another great thing...I'm going Thursday to sign my lease at this adorable 1 bedroom cottage right on the water. I'm SO excited to have my own place again...it's been 6 months and I miss living alone...I miss my space! I have really loved being here at my aunt's house, but I also love living alone. It's been so fun to live in the chaos and always have people around, a home cooked meal (compulsively balanced, as well) every night and a glass of wine and a cup of coffee with my aunt whenever I can. But there's something that I absolutely LOVE about coming home and opening the door to my very own place. It always looks just the way I left it. I love my stuff. Which, by the way, I don't have any stuff! I sold all my furniture when I left Boulder... That's fun (to buy new stuff), but also expensive. I have less than 2 weeks before I move in...that means I MAY be sleeping on the floor and using paper plates, etc. for a little while. Oh well. I have to admit though...I'm going to be a little nervous. I've always been in apartments, so I'm not completely alone. But this time, it's a house on it's own property. Sharing with no one. Weird. I'm planning on getting a dog, for sure! A Bernese Mountain Dog is in the lead for the breed I want. I'm definitely doing my research, but I think that's what I'll end up with. Hopefully at the beginning of the summer. It's perfect, because my cousin has wanted a puppy for a while and she's not really in the position to get one...however(!), if I get a puppy, she will willingly (gladly, in fact) take care of my puppy during the day. We're going to share the puppy, so to speak. I can't decide though...is that weird? To share a puppy and not live together? Ideally, she'll have the puppy during the days of the week and I'll have the puppy every night and on the weekends. But she really wants to pitch in for the dog...but then what happens when she moves out and wants her own puppy? Will she think she can take our dog? I doubt it, but I don't know. I guess I need to talk to her about that. I mean, seriously...I doubt we'll really both be in the situation to share the dog for the next 8-14 years. Maybe though. I don't know. Ok, moving right along...

(I always type so many...., don't I?)

Next month, I'm going to Disney World with my family. My extended family, so-to-speak. Actually, they're my 2nd and 3rd cousins, but I've always considered them 1st cousins. Both of my parents are only children, so I don't have any first cousins or aunts or uncles. Weird, huh? But my mom's first cousins are like my aunts and uncles and their kids are like my first cousins...we've grown up together and are JUST like first cousins. Thank goodness. But anyway...about Disney World...I found out a couple of weeks ago that my brother, mother, NEPHEW, and sister in-law are all meeting us there, too! WOOOOOHOOOOOO! I'm SO excited! Oh - and my sister in-law is pregnant!!!!!! Yeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I'm also in the process of helping my brother find a house for he and his family to rent for two weeks over the summer...here....right on the beach! FUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!


And tonight? When I got out of work I went to the gym. My cousin's Alicia's friend was on the treadmill next to me (note: cute boy, much MUCH younger than I am). I said I was going to run as long as he did...BIG mistake. Haha. But I did it. I ran for 2.5 miles, and stayed on there for 3.3 miles. I had an extra long cool down because I wanted to watch the rest of the Biggest Loser. Haha. Appropriate. But seriously...I usually only stay on the treadmill for 2 miles, and only run for 1.5 of those 2 miles. Today I bumped it up because there was a 22 year old cutie next to me. It felt so good. Haha. Of course, me being me, I had to make a big joke about it when we finally stopped running, but still....I DID IT! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh. Life is goooooooooooooooooood.

Ok, I'm off to bed. But not until I first wash my face with my wonderous new face product line!!! I got it at North Shore Community College's beauty school. Seriously. It's GREAT! My skin is really looking much better. I was having weird breakouts and I'm THIRTY years old! COME ON! I feel so grown up washing my face with a cleansner, toner, and moisturizer that all belong to the same product line. My skin has always been to sensitive to do that...plain old sensitive skin Dove just wasn't cutting it anymore though. Whew. I've been saved and didn't have to turn to Proactive.

And to top the day off? I heard "Wide Open Spaces," by the Dixie Chicks on my way home. It just doesn't get any better than that.

Quick Update

So...I never blogged about it, but Adam got his other girlfriend pregnant back in October. That's one of the reasons I was so heart broken when I left Boulder. I'm not sure if he was cheating on me with her or cheating on her with me. No one really is, actually. Anyway, she ended up terminating the pregnancy back in November when she found out that he had still been with me. Well...I got a phone call last night and guess what? She's pregnant again...this time she's keeping the baby. Interesting, isn't it? I'm curious to see if she'll conveniently have the baby a couple of months early. Do you think maybe she never really terminated the pregnancy back in November? After all, they did move to Mexico right after he told me she was pregnant. Hmmmm.

correction

Actually - Yael Naim sings New Soul. It's Israel something or other who sings that Somewhere Over the Rainbow version.

Off the top of my head...

Here is a list of what I can remember of my new CD:

1. Up To The Mountain - Patty Griffin

2. Love Like This - Natasha Beddingfield feat. Sean Kingston

3. New Soul - not sure who the artist is, but it's the song from the Air Notebook commercial

4. Somewhere Over the Rainbow  - Israel is his first name, I think (the version from 50 First Dates) - found it:  Yael Naim

5. Breathe Me - Sia (again, forget her last name)

6. You're Gonna Miss This - Trace Adkins

7. She's Every Woman - Garth Brooks

8. Whatever It Takes - Lifehouse

9. Beautiful - Lifehouse

10. The One Who Loves You The Most - Brett Dennen

11. There Is So Much More - Brett Dennen

12. Good Friend and a Glass of Wine - Leann Rimes

13. I Bruise Easily - Natasha Beddingfield

14. Love Song - Sarah Berellis  (this was as far as I got, then I found the list in my planner)

15. I Want You - Common

16. 4 in the Morning - Gwen Stefani

17. Bring It On Home - Little Big Town

18. Sorry - Buck Cherry

19. Usher - Make Love in this Club (the 1 song that I wish I hadn't put on there...I thought I loved it when I heard it on the way home on Saturday night...not so much)

Because I am so into lyrics (more than anything els) when it comes to music, I'm going to put the words to my favorites from the list on here, too.  In case you might be interested.  It's usually the reason that I end up liking the song right away.

Breathe Me

Help, I have done it again

I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today

And, the worst part is there's no-one to blame

Be my friend 

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small

I'm needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

Ouch

I have lost myself again

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found

Yeah I think that I might break

I've lost myself and I feel unsafe

You're Gonna Miss This

She was starin out the window of their SUV

Complainin', saying I can't wait to turn 18

She said I'll make my own money

And I'll make my own rules

Momma put the car in park out there in front of the school

And she kissed her head, and said

"I was just like you"

You're gonna miss this

You're gonna want this back

You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast

These are some good times

So take a good look around

You may not know it now

But you're gonna miss this

Before she knows it she's a brand new bride

In her one bedroom apartment

And her daddy stops by

He tells her it's a nice place

She says, "It'll do for now."

Starts talkin' about babies, and buyin a house

Daddy shakes his head

And says baby just slow down

Cuz you're gonna miss this...(repeat chorus)

Five years later there's a plumber workin on the water heater

Dog's barkin', phone's rinin'

One kid's crying, one kid's screamin'

And she keeps apologizin'

He says, "They don't bother me.

I've got 2 babies of my own

One's 36, one's 23

Huh, it's hard to believe."

Repeat chorus

Up To The Mountain

I went up to the mountain

Because you asked me to

Up over the clouds

To where the sky was blue

I could see all around me

Everywhere

I could see all around me

Everywhere

Sometimes I feel like 

I've never been nothing but tired

And I'll be walking

Till the day I expire

Sometimes I lay down

No more can I do

But then I go on again

Because you ask me to

Some days I look down

Afraid I will fall

And thought the sun shines

I see nothing at all

Then I her your sweet voice, oh

Oh, come and then go, come and then go

Telling me softly

You love me so

The peaceful valley

Just over the mountain

The peaceful valley

Few come to know

I may never get there

Ever in this lifetime

But sooner or later

It's there I will go

Sooner or later

It's there I will go

New Soul

I'm a new soul, I came to this strange world hoping I could learn a bit

about how to give and take

But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear 

Finding myself making every possible mistake

La-la-la....

I'm a young soul in this very strange world hoping I could learn a bit

about what is true and fake

But why all this hate?

Try to communicate

Finding trust and love is not always easy to make

La la la....

This is a happy end, cause you don't understand everything you have done

why's everything so wrong

This is a happy end, come and give me your hand I'll take far away

(repeats from beginning)

She's Every Woman

She's sun and rain, she's fire and ice

A little crazy, but it's nice

And when she gets mad, you best leave her alone

Cause she'll rage just like a river

Then she'll beg you to forgive her

She's ever woman that I've ever known

She's so New York and then LA

And every town along the way

She's every place that I've never been

She's makin love on rainy nights

She's a stroll through Christmas lights

And she's everything I want to do again

It needs no explanation

Cause it all makes perfect sense

For when it comes down to temptation

She's on both sides of the fence

(repeat)

She's anything but typical

She's so unpredictable

Oh but even at her worst she ain't that bad

She's as real as real can be

And she's every fantasy

Lord she's every lover that I've ever had

And she's every lover that I've never had

Whatever It Takes

A strangled smile fell from your face

It kills me that I hurt you this way

The worst part is that I didn't even know

Now there's a million reasons for you to go

But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes

To turn this around

I know what's at stake

I know that I've let you down

And if you give me a chance (and give me a break in 2nd chorus run)

Believe that I can change

I'll keep us together, whatever it takes

She said, "If we're gonna make this work

You gotta let me inside even though it hurts.

Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see."

She said, "Like it or not, it's the way it's gotta be.

You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me."

repeat chorus

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt

That I'd be lost without you and never find myself

Let's hold onto each other above everything else

Start over, start over

Repeat chorus

Good Friend And A Glass Of  Wine

Who died and made me everybody's everything

I'm even bustin my butt through the weekend

By the time I get home, there's not an ounce of sanity

Between the dogs, my momma's calls

Is it against the law

For me to get what I need?

A good friend and a glass of wine

Someone to say it's gonna be alright

A good friend and a glass of wine

A little pick me up to get me through the night

We talk trash 'n we laugh and cry

That kind of therapy money can't buy

Every now and then, every now and then

Every girl needs a good friend and a glass of wine

I don't need to jet off to no vacation for a week

I'd be happy to have a happy hour

When I'm tired and I'm fried, it gets me right back on my feet

Any kind of re or white, a little sister time

It's every smart girl's dream

repeat chorus

Bring It On Home

You got someone here, wants to make it all right

Someone who loves you more than life right here

You got willing arms to hold you tight

A hand to lead you on through the night right here

I know your heart can get all tangled up inside

But don't you keep it to yourself

(chorus)

When your long day is over

And you can barely drag your feet

The weight of the world is on your shoulders

I know what you need

Bring it on home to me

You know I know you like the back of my hand

But did you know I'm gonna do all that I can right here?

I'm gonna lie with you till you fall asleep

When the morning comes, I'm still gonna be right here (yes, I am)

So take your worries and just drop them at the door

Baby leave it all behind

(chorus)

Baby let me be your safe harbor

Don't let the way come and carry you away

(chorus)

Sorry

Oh I had a lot to say

Was thinkin on my time a way

I missed you and things weren't the same

Cause everything inside, it never comes out right

And when I see you cry, it makes me wanna die

(chorus)

I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue 

I'm sorry about all the things I said to you

And I know I can't take it back

I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds

And baby the way you make my world go round

and I just wanted to say I'm sorry

This time I think I'm to blame

It's harder  to get through the days

We get older and blame turns to shame

Cause everything inside it never comes out right

And when I see you cry it makes me wanna die

(repeat chorus)

Every single day I think about how we came all this way

The sleepless nights and the tears you cried

It's never too late to make it right

Oh yeah sorry

(repeat chorus)

I Bruise Easily

My skin is like a map, of where my heart has been

And I can't hide the marks, but it's not a negative thing

So I let down my guard, drop my defenses, down by my clothes

I'm learning to fall, with no safety net, to cushion the blow

I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me

There's a mark you leave, like a love heart, carved on a tree

I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me

Underneath, I bruise easily, I bruise easily

I've found your fingerprints on a glass of wine

Do you know you're leaving them all over this heart of mine, too

But if I never take this leap of faith, I'll never know

So I'm learning to fall with no safety net to cushion the blow

repeat chorus

Anyone who can touch you, can hurt you or heal you

Anyone who can reach you, can love you or leave you

So be gentle 

(repeat chorus)

Beautiful

Finally here, won't stay too late

I want to feel you, I need to hear you

You are the light that's leading me to the place where I find peace

again

You are the strength, that keeps me walking

You are the hope, that keeps me trusting

You are the light, to my soul

You are my purpose, you're everything

chorus

And how can I stand here with you, and not be moved by you?

Would you tell me 'How could it be any better than this?'

yeah...

You calm the storms, you give me rest

You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall

You steal my heart, and you take my breath away

Would you take me in?  Take me deeper now

chorus 2x

Cause you're all I want

You're all I need

You're everything, everything (4x)

chorus (x3)

There Is So Much More

When I heard the news,

My heart fell on the floor

I was on a plane on my way to Baltimore

In these troubled times, it's hard enough as it is

My soul has known a better life than this

I wonder how so many can be in so much pain,

While others don't seem to feel a thing

Then I curse my whiteness

And I get so damn depressed

In a world with suffering

Why should I be so blessed?

I heard about a woman who lives in Colorado

She built a monument of salt behind the garage door

Where every day she prays for all whom are born

And all whose souls have passed on

Sometimes my trouble gets so thick

I can't see how I'm going to get through it

But then I would rather be stuck up in a tree

Then be tied to it

There is so much more

I don't feel comfortable with the way my clothes fit

I can't get used to my body's limits

I got some fancy shoes to try and giggle away these blues

They cost a lot of money but they worth a thing

I wanna free my feet from broken glass and concrete

I need to get out of this city

Lay upon the ground stare a hole in the sky

Wondering where I go when I die

When I die. 

Ok - that's all I can do.  I had to type them because for some reason the paste wasn't working.  Ha!  That took forever!  However, I learned that I was singing a few wrong words...good to know, good to know.

It's On!

Where do I even start???? Ugh. I’m SO aggravated right now, but it’s temporary. I could SCREAM!

It’s been months since I’ve written here, and to be honest, I have no desire to completely catch up. I don’t even remember where I left off. Let’s just sum it up…in-a-nutshell-style.

In October, my world in Boulder started caving in around me. Picture me in a beautiful place with this huge dark gray cloud quickly closing in on me…there I was, looking up and running scared. It was awful. Things were happening that seemed to be out of my control and I couldn’t stop them. It was my love life, my job, and my health…all taking sharp turns in the wrong direction. At that point, I was only sure of one thing: I needed to go home. I needed to be comfortable. I needed to be some place that I could regroup, recover. I needed someplace that I could lick my wounds, so to speak. I quickly got in my car and drove east...purposely landing in my hometown. It was to be a temporary stay, maybe just a couple of months. No real plan, and an inkling of an idea of what I was going to do. It was like a scene from a movie on that beautiful Colorado morning. The old cliché scene of the young woman leaving her life behind, looking in the rearview mirror. I had no idea if I’d ever be back to stay or to visit. All I knew was that I had to get out of there and fast. Hitting that interstate was bittersweet. 30 was around the corner, and I was choosing not to let anyone or anything stop my goal of turning 30 in a happy place (and by place I mean physically and emotionally).

It felt great to be home, after 12 years. It was comforting to be around my great big family (grandmother, cousins, and aunts and uncles) and all my favorite old friends – who also happen to be a few of the best people in the entire world (I’ve kept in touch with all my great friends here and love all of their kids and husbands, etc., so it’s GREAT to be able to get to know all of them better through spending more quality time together)! Almost immediately after my arrival, I got all wrapped up in a crazy whirlwind of a relationship with one of my best friend in the world’s brother – 39 year old recently separated, father of 3. Sounds awful and dangerous, but to be honest, it was amazing. We had a great connection and undeniable chemistry. It was the fun that we had and the deep, meaningful talks that brought us close, and the world around us that tore us apart. Some say bad timing, and sometimes I agree. Some say it was his fault and he’s a bad guy, but that I will never agree with. He was going through a tough time, as was I. He just had so many more complications and his head was cloudy. I’m not making excuses for him, I honestly believe it. Even though my heart broke a little when I learned his truth, I still think the world of him. He’s a great dad and a great guy…just a little mixed up when it comes to his heart and love. Anyone in his situation would be. Regardless of the different opinions that people have about what we had and how we had it (and believe me, people have opinions about this…strong opinions), I think it’s fair to say that we both loved every minute of it, but we should’ve made some better decisions through it all. Moving right along…

The day after – literally – we broke up, I began dating an old friend (more like an acquaintance) from high school. I thought (along with everyone else in this whole damn town) that he was the perfect catch. Infectious laughter and smile, a little old fashioned, great family, good career and lots of friends. Although I wasn’t sure about the romantic connection and chemistry, I decided: “What the heck…at least I know he’s a good guy.” Dumb. Whatever…we all know that I can be dumb when it comes to love choices. Desperate to be in a normal relationship (whatever that means), desperate to find the one, hating being 30 without the love of my life next to me. What can I say other than: DUMB. But I live and learn a little more each time. I’m making no promises to be smarter in love. That would fall in line with being dumb again.

Needless to say, this relationship has also ended. There was certainly no heart ache involved in this break up – thank GOD! Seriously. Hallelujah. This kind of break up is smoooooooooth sailing for me. I joke that I’m an old pro at breaking up, and that I just struggle with the staying together part. It’s funny and we all laugh when I say that, but it’s not really true. I’m usually in quite long relationships, and broken hearts are never easy for me. But this? Piece of cake. And it’s one of those break ups that I know won’t get harder…not much has changed in my life since we broke up and we weren’t dating long enough, nor did we spend enough time together, for him to be part of my life and routine that I will miss. Whew.

Ok, now that we have my love life out of the way, let’s get to the good stuff!

I’m LOVING LIFE right now. I have been for some time, actually. Since my arrival on October 7^th, I have been to acupuncture pretty close to once a week. It’s the best thing I’ve done for myself in a long long time. My acupuncturist is also one of my brother’s closest childhood friends. I’ve known him since I was in middle school, if not longer. He’s different from anyone I’ve ever known in my life. He knows more about me than I know about myself and he has helped me so much. Going to see him is like going to an amazing day spa and having an intense psychiatric evaluation/therapy session at the same time. I come out feeling like a noodle physically (that zombie-ish feeling that you have when you come out of a great massage), and my mind is at ease as well. Those are two feelings that I adore. Because I do it so often and so consistently, I hardly have time to get all wound up inside and out and I walk around pretty darn balanced. More balanced than I knew I needed to be, actually.

I also work out regularly. My aunt, who has become one of my closest friends since I got here, and I are on a pretty strict workout schedule and she makes me get my ass there, and I make her push harder once we get there. We’re a good team. We’ve come a long way together since we started going 2 months ago. I can’t say I’ve dropped dramatic amounts of weight, but I feel worlds better and I know it does this body good.

Another thing that I’m absolutely loving about being back here, is that I have a new found love for my grandmother. She pretty much raised me and we were always incredibly close, up until I moved away 12 years ago. I could never figure out why or really put my finger on it, but I just felt like she didn’t like me or something. I was determined when I got here, to get to the bottom of it and put an end to it. It took a good couple of months, but I kept at it and it has really paid off. Now I get to be that typical grown granddaughter that takes her grandmother to her appts out of town and shopping when she needs to. It’s great. We have been laughing and having such a good time together…a lot like old times. It means a lot to both of us and this alone has made the trip home worth it.

I’ve been bouncing around, babysitting part-time for different families since October. Not really sure what I wanted to do (as far as where I wanted to live and what I wanted to do for work), I didn’t want to commit to anything. I decided about a month ago that I was definitely staying and that I wanted to stick with nannying. I decided that I was going to make a career out of it, and that’s what I’ve done. I found the perfect fit for a job and I really feel like things are all falling into place. It’s a good feeling. I’m just starting to make some money, so now I can start chipping away at the debt I’ve created since I started bumming around here 6 months ago. Luckily, my aunt and uncle have a hostile-style home (unofficially) and they have let me stay here and chip in (or not) whatever I can when I have some extra cash for food and such. It’s been a lot like the idea I had in my head of people living with their parents well past high school…I didn’t really have the typical home life, so I had no idea what it was like to be an adult and sit down (in someone else’s home) to a well balanced meal (compulsive starch, protein and veggie) every night and the whole “mi casa es su casa” mentality. It’s so warm and comforting here. The more the merrier, all the way around. I love it! It has been the perfect place to be, I must say. I also have my cousin here, and now I think I almost know what it’s like to have a sister. I’m not sure if she’d agree, but I say: FUN, FUN, FUN! We got to skip all the high school years together and the “I hate you” stages of life. I’m sure I drive her nuts, because I steal all her clothes and make up. Her favorite snacks have now become my favorite snacks, which means she has a harder time finding them when she wants them, but she swears she doesn’t mind. Also, her favorite friends have become my favorite friends. Haha. She’s 8 years younger than I am and some people who know me through her have referred to me as her “aunt,” but I refuse to let that make me feel old. Haha. It gives us all a good laugh, and there’s nothing wrong with that. She’s so much like me and so different than I am (in the ways that I wish I could be, mostly) that I can’t help but love her the most. She’s sweet under her bitchy way, and calls me on my shit. I always need one of those in my life, or I might get a little carried away. Who me? Yep. Me.

Another fun part of my life is apartment/house hunting! I love this step in getting settled. The money aspect of it all worries me right now, but that’ll get easier as my pay seems more regular. I’ve not had a full work week’s pay yet, so I’m still a little anxious about that all. Well…as anxious as one can get when attending The Well (my acupuncturist’s office) once a week!

Just a little added excitement for today: My cousin helped me make the BEST mixed CD today! 18 songs that I’ve written down in my planner for the past month. I’ve been consistently grabbing my planner from my bag every time I hear a song that I like. I quickly jot down who I think it sounds like and some of the lyrics and then go home and find the artist and song. Some of the songs have become somewhat popular since I started the list, but to be honest I’ve only heard most of them two or three times. I love that. Knowing that I love a song but not really sure what made me love it in the first place. I am listening to it right now and I am SO excited to learn every word of each of these 18 songs and wear them all out in the car this week!!!! Woohoooooo! Life is good.

I feel SO much better than I did when I started typing this. Blogging is such a better stress relief than a cigarette. It’s good to be back!