Remember when this was called: It Starts With Goodbye?

My first night in my new house!

Wooooooohooooooo! I’m really excited to be in my own space again. It’s been a while. I moved out of my old place in Boulder at the beginning of October – that means it’s been 6 months since I’ve been on my own. Although it was much needed time with my family and a perfect scenario, I’m ready to be here again. By here again I mean having my own place to call home. I really really enjoy living alone. To be honest, it scares me a little…will I ever be able to make room for a special someone someday? They say if it’s the right person, you can always make room for them…let’s hope. I guess Adam and I lived pretty well together, all in all. I cried some over his mess that he left around, but other than that, I did Ok. I think. Haha. I’m sure I have friends who will let me know that I complained more than I remember about it. But, whatever. Not enough to make a lasting impression, apparently. Speaking of Adam…oh, I’ll get to that later. Right now, let’s talk more about my house. I currently have NO living room furniture. Well, no furniture at all, really, other than my bedroom (which is fully furnished). I figured I can wait on the other stuff…as long as I have a comfortable bedroom until I can afford the rest, I’m set. And I am…I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE my bedroom. I have some other things throughout the rest of the house (curtains, pictures, lamps, dishes, etc.) and I absolutely adore everything in the whole place. But I’m thrilled with how cozy my bedroom turned out. I went with a compleeeeeeetely different style in here than I ever have before…this is bright and cheery. Very colorful. Usually I’m all about dark wood and browns, etc. But this little cottage-type house just wasn’t going to work with that style. Lucky for me (not so lucky for my wallet), I sold everything I had when I left Boulder, so I had to start fresh. When I get the rest of my stuff moved over (i.e. the cord that attaches my camera to my computer), I’ll post some pics. You’re going to love it, I just know it! I’m hoping to be in a better situation in mid-May to buy my living room furniture.

Ooooooook. Now, back to Adam…

I talked to him today. For an hour and a half!!! I’ve been thinking about him and missing him a lot lately. It’s not been fun. At all! I’ve been thinking over and over about how I really liked who Adam was as a person, I just didn’t like his habits. I used to think I was trying to change who Adam was, and that’s how I finally convinced myself that the relationship was not meant to be, and finally move on. Whatever that means. I had decided that I wanted to be with someone who was already the way that I wanted him to be (and vice/versa)…someone who I didn’t have to change. And that’s certainly still true… but looking back, I realize that I was trying to change Adam’s habits and not who he actually was as a person. Dating other people here in Gloucester, I’ve realized that I don’t like many people (I mean guys, more or less) the way I liked Adam. I liked the way Adam thinks, I liked the way we talked, the things we talked about. I liked his ideas and ideals. He could keep my attention for hours when he started talking about something he was passionate and knowledgeable about – and he could always get me to come around to see things from his point of view, if I wasn’t there before. I had forgotten about all of this stuff until I started dating and realizing I didn’t like these guys. Ugh. I like Joe as a person. He’s a nice guy. But my GOODNESS…are we different!!! And other people I’ve dated since I’ve been here. I just haven’t really had a deep conversation with any guy that has captured me, so to speak. Or just a conversation that really made me think more about it, once it was over. Unless, of course, it was a conversation that really annoyed or bothered me.

So over the past week or so, I’ve been thinking a lot about Adam. Because of these types of thoughts – the whole: “he’s so great…blah blah blah,” I’ve been really missing Adam. I’m smart enough to realize that Adam and I had our problems and that it’s probably better off that we’re not together…but there’s a big huge BUT when I think that way. Adam no longer smokes pot. How fucked up is that? The ONE big problem Adam and I had was pot and how often he smoked and how he promised and promised and promised that he wasn’t going to smoke and he did and he lied about it. We didn’t have ONE single problem until that became an issue (other than leaving the toilet seat up types of problems)…I’m not kidding. It was what started our downhill spiral and what helped it continue until we fell totally apart. Adam is now living in Mexico (and not working – just living off the company that I worked so hard to get running smoothly back before Adam and I broke up) part-time with his pregnant girlfriend…the same girl that he was sleeping with when I was still in the picture. It makes me CRAZY! He’s got a cozy little life set up for him…and he thanks me every time we talk for making him a better person…a better boyfriend, nonetheless. Wonderful. Yes, I’m bitter. But not completely. I do find it in me to be thankful for where I am and to be thankful for all that has happened in my life (even in the incredibly hard times I went through with and after Adam) that has helped me to get here. But STILL! Ugh.

All in all, I have to say: it was an incredible talk that Adam and I had. Sure, we rehashed some old shit, but in a very civil and grown up (and pretty much moved on) way. But mostly, we just talked and talked about things. A deep conversation that just flowed and flowed and next thing I knew, it was an hour and a half later. I LOVE that about Adam. We talked about life and different theories and perspectives. We talked about society. We talked about books (Adam has also taken up reading since we broke up…something I have always enjoyed and Adam hated – just something else that I always wished we had in common when we were together) and the difference reading makes in your life, etc. We talked about how we’re currently bettering ourselves as people, and we talked about how we plan to do more in that area, etc. We talked about babies…even his. He’s oddly (I’m not sure if it bothers me, necessarily, so I’ll just leave it at odd for now) naming his son the name that he and I had specifically picked out for our son…my little brother’s (who died when we were young) name. In Adam’s defense, it is a shortened version of his late father’s name, but (again) STILL! How weird is that going to be if we eventually both have our first born son with the same name? Kinda funny, I suppose. I could let it make me cry, but I’m sort of laughing it off and shaking my head (inside). Aaaaahhh. Big sigh.

After our lengthy talk, I told Adam that I had to go. I told him that I wanted to get off the phone while I still had a smile on my face, as opposed to getting too wrapped up in my head and realizing that this conversation could actually make me miss him more. It did and it didn’t. I guess I’m just trying to be happy that I’m where I am and happy for him that he’s where he is and that he’s doing so well. Sure…I wish he was doing the things he’s doing now when we were together, and I wish that (in some ways) it was us doing the things that he is doing with her, but as my dad always says: “It is what it is, my dear.” And it is. Now that it’s 11pm, and I want to get on a schedule right away (being that it’s my first night in my new place), I’m going to go to bed. Good night and good luck. I have no idea why I said that, but it reminded me of something Adam said earlier… Adam told me to rent Good Luck Chuck. He said that he thinks I am Chuck in a way. He said he thought of me when he saw the movie…great. I have a feeling I’m not going to be thrilled when I rent it and realize that this is what he thinks of me, but that’s ok. He was trying to come from a good place when he said it, so we’ll see. Just going by the conversation we were having at the time, it must be along the lines of Chuck being the boyfriend that comes right before every girl’s husband. That’s me, to a point. I feel like I’m usually the ex-girlfriend that is really liked by her ex-boyfriends…then they seem to end up with the next girlfriend that they have. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way…there are at least a few songs about being the girlfriend who “got him ready for you…” Ok – I’m getting side-tracked and rambling. Goodnight, friends. Here’s to a good night’s sleep in my new house, in my new bedroom, on my new mattress! I hope it’s as comfortable as I’m thinking it is. Another big sigh.

Oh! My friend, Dom Nicastro, posted this on his blog and I wanted to share it with you. I like the message in it. It’s something I’ve often thought of, in some way or another, but he actually put it down on paper. Here it is:



Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Question yourself
Leonardo DiCaprio’s character in The Departed, Billy Costigan, strikes a heavy chord with one of his early lines in this exchange:
Uncle Ed: Are you trying to prove something to the family (by becoming a policeman)?
Billy Costigan: When you say "the family," who do mean exactly? You?
Uncle Ed: You always have to question everything, don’t you?
Billy Costigan: Maybe it would have done you some good to have some "questions" from time to time, you know? "Am I an asshole? Are my kids a mess? Is my wife a money-grubbing whore?" I mean, those are questions, right? "Have I ever been good to my dying sister or am I just now pretending to be?"
Uncle Ed: Do you need some money for the funeral?
Funny isn’t it?
I think we all have a little Uncle Ed in us. We question each other all the time. Why are they doing this? Why are they doing that?
What we don’t do enough is question ourselves. Billy Costigan knows his snobby, arrogant uncle. And he knows he’s the kind of guy who does a pretty good job of looking around him while never quite getting a good glance at the guy in the mirror.
We all need to do more of that – look in the mirror and question ourselves. I try to ask myself questions every day: Am I being a good fiancé? Am I being a good father figure? Do I make my family proud? Do I make my fiancé smile? Do I teach my son the right lessons? Am I fulfilling my duties as a good friend?
So do me a favor tomorrow -- question yourself. Am I loyal to the mother of my child? Do I truly know the people I presumptuously judge? Do I go to the source, or rely on public perception? Do I know the definition of a true friend? Have I truly lived and experienced the world beyond my comfort zone?
So tomorrow, stop questioning the people around you. And start asking some questions to the figure in the mirror. He could probably use a few.

Oh...and by the way?

Maybe two days after my big: "Life is good," post, I had a total meltdown. When my brother and I were texting about how exciting it is that they're having another baby, he replied with: "Yes. Now all we're missing is the beach and YOU!" The guilt. As if I hadn't already thought of how much I'm going to miss being around this baby. And then on top of that, I JUST found a great job...but then I got a text of a seemingly WONDERFUL job which would place me in Boulder, Maui, Aspen and some other fabulous place...jet setting all over the world with a very rich (and down to earth, nice) family and their newborn. Ugh - I was questioning everything that I had felt so sure about just days earlier. It was awful! But I called my best friend in Rhode Island and she talked me down from the ledge, so to speak. Then, LUCKILY(!), I had acupuncture that very evening. *He* (wonder of all wonders, as a man) fixed my head. I'm totally serious - if you don't have an acupuncturist...find one. Amazing. But THEN I managed to have such a GREAT weekend, reminding me (once more) of why I'm staying here and why I love it so much. It was one of my greatest friends' little boy's 1st bday... It was SO great to begin the tradition of all of us finally being in the same place, and sharing in the lives of our children and husbands (ok - I'm the only one who doesn't have at least ONE of the afore mentioned, but still!) and all of that good stuff that has become so important. After the bday party, all the grandma's took the kids and we (my core group of girls and their significant others) all went to dinner and out after that for drinks. It was SO much fun and just so so nice to be able to spend the time together - one of our friends didn't make it because she had to work, but I was able to pick up her daughter (also 1 yr old) and take her to the party with me, so she wouldn't miss out. Our one pregnant friend and her husband went home after dinner, but it was a great time had by all up until that point, too. I'm so glad I'm here. I really am. Now if I can just feel a little bit calmer about moving in a week with NO furniture or anything else. Man. Deep breaths. Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh. It'll all work out, I know it will.

My favorite thing to day dream about!!!

This is the back of the house - back door and yard and stuff. Cute!
















Just to show how big the yard is...








This is a picture from a spot in the yard on the side of the house. Just to show the space.


















The kitchen is SO small, but cute nonetheless. And it's at an angle that doesn't allow for good picture taking.























This is the view from the living room. It's a little piece of the yard, the storage shed, and then the ocean beyond that. I'm wondering how much ocean I'll be able to see when the trees fill in...but whatever. It's really close.

And on the inside...

Here, to the right: the bedroom.















Up above is the view from the living room toward the kitchen.






And this is what it looks like when standing in the kitchen and looking toward the living room. The small door peeking through on the right side is the bedroom. That partial wall is what separates the bedroom and living room - no bedroom ceiling, so it is definitely a one person house. Lofty feeling. Notice the high ceilings and the skylights.

Just to be clear...

...to the left of the house is the ocean. You can see it in the picture here, and the view of the ocean is much better from the back steps. The ocean is so good for my soul. I feel the difference every day that I'm here. I'm not kidding. Not even a little bit.

Yeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaa!

I feel like it should be: yeehaw, but I don't say it like that. Anyway...guess what??? I signed a 1 year lease today!!!! I'm SO excited!!!! It's not RIGHT on the water, but I can see the ocean from my back door step, and actually from the living room window also! A house! A tiny house, but still a house. And a house with a big yard and a storage shed, window boxes, planting areas. I think it's so grown up to live in a house. My first time.

Can I get a.....

I really do need to get to bed, but I just wanted to write a few quick lines...

I have officially started my new job...LOVE it! My days are supposed to be 8am-5:30pm, and at first I was really dreading the long hours (mostly because I'm not used to that!). However, last night I was praying for more time during the day and then again today, the same thing. I worked until 6:10pm last night and 7:20pm tonight! I'm loving how they appreciate me taking over everything kid related and whipping the family into shape. I feel like...I don't know...Suzie Homemaker and Super Nanny combined. Haha. I've reorganized almost every cabinet/closet in the entire house and the freezer is tomorrow. I LOVE that kind of stuff. Looking at an entire pantry that is completely organized and in such great order brings me such great pleasure and the best sense of satisfaction! Haha. Crazy, but true. And did I mention that I get paid by the hour?

Another great thing...I'm going Thursday to sign my lease at this adorable 1 bedroom cottage right on the water. I'm SO excited to have my own place again...it's been 6 months and I miss living alone...I miss my space! I have really loved being here at my aunt's house, but I also love living alone. It's been so fun to live in the chaos and always have people around, a home cooked meal (compulsively balanced, as well) every night and a glass of wine and a cup of coffee with my aunt whenever I can. But there's something that I absolutely LOVE about coming home and opening the door to my very own place. It always looks just the way I left it. I love my stuff. Which, by the way, I don't have any stuff! I sold all my furniture when I left Boulder... That's fun (to buy new stuff), but also expensive. I have less than 2 weeks before I move in...that means I MAY be sleeping on the floor and using paper plates, etc. for a little while. Oh well. I have to admit though...I'm going to be a little nervous. I've always been in apartments, so I'm not completely alone. But this time, it's a house on it's own property. Sharing with no one. Weird. I'm planning on getting a dog, for sure! A Bernese Mountain Dog is in the lead for the breed I want. I'm definitely doing my research, but I think that's what I'll end up with. Hopefully at the beginning of the summer. It's perfect, because my cousin has wanted a puppy for a while and she's not really in the position to get one...however(!), if I get a puppy, she will willingly (gladly, in fact) take care of my puppy during the day. We're going to share the puppy, so to speak. I can't decide though...is that weird? To share a puppy and not live together? Ideally, she'll have the puppy during the days of the week and I'll have the puppy every night and on the weekends. But she really wants to pitch in for the dog...but then what happens when she moves out and wants her own puppy? Will she think she can take our dog? I doubt it, but I don't know. I guess I need to talk to her about that. I mean, seriously...I doubt we'll really both be in the situation to share the dog for the next 8-14 years. Maybe though. I don't know. Ok, moving right along...

(I always type so many...., don't I?)

Next month, I'm going to Disney World with my family. My extended family, so-to-speak. Actually, they're my 2nd and 3rd cousins, but I've always considered them 1st cousins. Both of my parents are only children, so I don't have any first cousins or aunts or uncles. Weird, huh? But my mom's first cousins are like my aunts and uncles and their kids are like my first cousins...we've grown up together and are JUST like first cousins. Thank goodness. But anyway...about Disney World...I found out a couple of weeks ago that my brother, mother, NEPHEW, and sister in-law are all meeting us there, too! WOOOOOHOOOOOO! I'm SO excited! Oh - and my sister in-law is pregnant!!!!!! Yeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I'm also in the process of helping my brother find a house for he and his family to rent for two weeks over the summer...here....right on the beach! FUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!


And tonight? When I got out of work I went to the gym. My cousin's Alicia's friend was on the treadmill next to me (note: cute boy, much MUCH younger than I am). I said I was going to run as long as he did...BIG mistake. Haha. But I did it. I ran for 2.5 miles, and stayed on there for 3.3 miles. I had an extra long cool down because I wanted to watch the rest of the Biggest Loser. Haha. Appropriate. But seriously...I usually only stay on the treadmill for 2 miles, and only run for 1.5 of those 2 miles. Today I bumped it up because there was a 22 year old cutie next to me. It felt so good. Haha. Of course, me being me, I had to make a big joke about it when we finally stopped running, but still....I DID IT! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh. Life is goooooooooooooooooood.

Ok, I'm off to bed. But not until I first wash my face with my wonderous new face product line!!! I got it at North Shore Community College's beauty school. Seriously. It's GREAT! My skin is really looking much better. I was having weird breakouts and I'm THIRTY years old! COME ON! I feel so grown up washing my face with a cleansner, toner, and moisturizer that all belong to the same product line. My skin has always been to sensitive to do that...plain old sensitive skin Dove just wasn't cutting it anymore though. Whew. I've been saved and didn't have to turn to Proactive.

And to top the day off? I heard "Wide Open Spaces," by the Dixie Chicks on my way home. It just doesn't get any better than that.