Remember when this was called: It Starts With Goodbye?

My first night in my new house!

Wooooooohooooooo! I’m really excited to be in my own space again. It’s been a while. I moved out of my old place in Boulder at the beginning of October – that means it’s been 6 months since I’ve been on my own. Although it was much needed time with my family and a perfect scenario, I’m ready to be here again. By here again I mean having my own place to call home. I really really enjoy living alone. To be honest, it scares me a little…will I ever be able to make room for a special someone someday? They say if it’s the right person, you can always make room for them…let’s hope. I guess Adam and I lived pretty well together, all in all. I cried some over his mess that he left around, but other than that, I did Ok. I think. Haha. I’m sure I have friends who will let me know that I complained more than I remember about it. But, whatever. Not enough to make a lasting impression, apparently. Speaking of Adam…oh, I’ll get to that later. Right now, let’s talk more about my house. I currently have NO living room furniture. Well, no furniture at all, really, other than my bedroom (which is fully furnished). I figured I can wait on the other stuff…as long as I have a comfortable bedroom until I can afford the rest, I’m set. And I am…I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE my bedroom. I have some other things throughout the rest of the house (curtains, pictures, lamps, dishes, etc.) and I absolutely adore everything in the whole place. But I’m thrilled with how cozy my bedroom turned out. I went with a compleeeeeeetely different style in here than I ever have before…this is bright and cheery. Very colorful. Usually I’m all about dark wood and browns, etc. But this little cottage-type house just wasn’t going to work with that style. Lucky for me (not so lucky for my wallet), I sold everything I had when I left Boulder, so I had to start fresh. When I get the rest of my stuff moved over (i.e. the cord that attaches my camera to my computer), I’ll post some pics. You’re going to love it, I just know it! I’m hoping to be in a better situation in mid-May to buy my living room furniture.

Ooooooook. Now, back to Adam…

I talked to him today. For an hour and a half!!! I’ve been thinking about him and missing him a lot lately. It’s not been fun. At all! I’ve been thinking over and over about how I really liked who Adam was as a person, I just didn’t like his habits. I used to think I was trying to change who Adam was, and that’s how I finally convinced myself that the relationship was not meant to be, and finally move on. Whatever that means. I had decided that I wanted to be with someone who was already the way that I wanted him to be (and vice/versa)…someone who I didn’t have to change. And that’s certainly still true… but looking back, I realize that I was trying to change Adam’s habits and not who he actually was as a person. Dating other people here in Gloucester, I’ve realized that I don’t like many people (I mean guys, more or less) the way I liked Adam. I liked the way Adam thinks, I liked the way we talked, the things we talked about. I liked his ideas and ideals. He could keep my attention for hours when he started talking about something he was passionate and knowledgeable about – and he could always get me to come around to see things from his point of view, if I wasn’t there before. I had forgotten about all of this stuff until I started dating and realizing I didn’t like these guys. Ugh. I like Joe as a person. He’s a nice guy. But my GOODNESS…are we different!!! And other people I’ve dated since I’ve been here. I just haven’t really had a deep conversation with any guy that has captured me, so to speak. Or just a conversation that really made me think more about it, once it was over. Unless, of course, it was a conversation that really annoyed or bothered me.

So over the past week or so, I’ve been thinking a lot about Adam. Because of these types of thoughts – the whole: “he’s so great…blah blah blah,” I’ve been really missing Adam. I’m smart enough to realize that Adam and I had our problems and that it’s probably better off that we’re not together…but there’s a big huge BUT when I think that way. Adam no longer smokes pot. How fucked up is that? The ONE big problem Adam and I had was pot and how often he smoked and how he promised and promised and promised that he wasn’t going to smoke and he did and he lied about it. We didn’t have ONE single problem until that became an issue (other than leaving the toilet seat up types of problems)…I’m not kidding. It was what started our downhill spiral and what helped it continue until we fell totally apart. Adam is now living in Mexico (and not working – just living off the company that I worked so hard to get running smoothly back before Adam and I broke up) part-time with his pregnant girlfriend…the same girl that he was sleeping with when I was still in the picture. It makes me CRAZY! He’s got a cozy little life set up for him…and he thanks me every time we talk for making him a better person…a better boyfriend, nonetheless. Wonderful. Yes, I’m bitter. But not completely. I do find it in me to be thankful for where I am and to be thankful for all that has happened in my life (even in the incredibly hard times I went through with and after Adam) that has helped me to get here. But STILL! Ugh.

All in all, I have to say: it was an incredible talk that Adam and I had. Sure, we rehashed some old shit, but in a very civil and grown up (and pretty much moved on) way. But mostly, we just talked and talked about things. A deep conversation that just flowed and flowed and next thing I knew, it was an hour and a half later. I LOVE that about Adam. We talked about life and different theories and perspectives. We talked about society. We talked about books (Adam has also taken up reading since we broke up…something I have always enjoyed and Adam hated – just something else that I always wished we had in common when we were together) and the difference reading makes in your life, etc. We talked about how we’re currently bettering ourselves as people, and we talked about how we plan to do more in that area, etc. We talked about babies…even his. He’s oddly (I’m not sure if it bothers me, necessarily, so I’ll just leave it at odd for now) naming his son the name that he and I had specifically picked out for our son…my little brother’s (who died when we were young) name. In Adam’s defense, it is a shortened version of his late father’s name, but (again) STILL! How weird is that going to be if we eventually both have our first born son with the same name? Kinda funny, I suppose. I could let it make me cry, but I’m sort of laughing it off and shaking my head (inside). Aaaaahhh. Big sigh.

After our lengthy talk, I told Adam that I had to go. I told him that I wanted to get off the phone while I still had a smile on my face, as opposed to getting too wrapped up in my head and realizing that this conversation could actually make me miss him more. It did and it didn’t. I guess I’m just trying to be happy that I’m where I am and happy for him that he’s where he is and that he’s doing so well. Sure…I wish he was doing the things he’s doing now when we were together, and I wish that (in some ways) it was us doing the things that he is doing with her, but as my dad always says: “It is what it is, my dear.” And it is. Now that it’s 11pm, and I want to get on a schedule right away (being that it’s my first night in my new place), I’m going to go to bed. Good night and good luck. I have no idea why I said that, but it reminded me of something Adam said earlier… Adam told me to rent Good Luck Chuck. He said that he thinks I am Chuck in a way. He said he thought of me when he saw the movie…great. I have a feeling I’m not going to be thrilled when I rent it and realize that this is what he thinks of me, but that’s ok. He was trying to come from a good place when he said it, so we’ll see. Just going by the conversation we were having at the time, it must be along the lines of Chuck being the boyfriend that comes right before every girl’s husband. That’s me, to a point. I feel like I’m usually the ex-girlfriend that is really liked by her ex-boyfriends…then they seem to end up with the next girlfriend that they have. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way…there are at least a few songs about being the girlfriend who “got him ready for you…” Ok – I’m getting side-tracked and rambling. Goodnight, friends. Here’s to a good night’s sleep in my new house, in my new bedroom, on my new mattress! I hope it’s as comfortable as I’m thinking it is. Another big sigh.

Oh! My friend, Dom Nicastro, posted this on his blog and I wanted to share it with you. I like the message in it. It’s something I’ve often thought of, in some way or another, but he actually put it down on paper. Here it is:



Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Question yourself
Leonardo DiCaprio’s character in The Departed, Billy Costigan, strikes a heavy chord with one of his early lines in this exchange:
Uncle Ed: Are you trying to prove something to the family (by becoming a policeman)?
Billy Costigan: When you say "the family," who do mean exactly? You?
Uncle Ed: You always have to question everything, don’t you?
Billy Costigan: Maybe it would have done you some good to have some "questions" from time to time, you know? "Am I an asshole? Are my kids a mess? Is my wife a money-grubbing whore?" I mean, those are questions, right? "Have I ever been good to my dying sister or am I just now pretending to be?"
Uncle Ed: Do you need some money for the funeral?
Funny isn’t it?
I think we all have a little Uncle Ed in us. We question each other all the time. Why are they doing this? Why are they doing that?
What we don’t do enough is question ourselves. Billy Costigan knows his snobby, arrogant uncle. And he knows he’s the kind of guy who does a pretty good job of looking around him while never quite getting a good glance at the guy in the mirror.
We all need to do more of that – look in the mirror and question ourselves. I try to ask myself questions every day: Am I being a good fiancé? Am I being a good father figure? Do I make my family proud? Do I make my fiancé smile? Do I teach my son the right lessons? Am I fulfilling my duties as a good friend?
So do me a favor tomorrow -- question yourself. Am I loyal to the mother of my child? Do I truly know the people I presumptuously judge? Do I go to the source, or rely on public perception? Do I know the definition of a true friend? Have I truly lived and experienced the world beyond my comfort zone?
So tomorrow, stop questioning the people around you. And start asking some questions to the figure in the mirror. He could probably use a few.