Hmmm...that is the question of the day, for sure. I was thinking yes, and I'm still thinking yes. But here's what happened today that is going to make it tough.
Well, first, let me just say that I absolutely love my friendship with Adam's mom. Love it. Most of the time, almost ALL of the time, it's completely separate from Adam. We have coffee, almost every day, with Wesley. We are day time friends, mostly. Sometimes we'll grab dinner, but usually coffee and/or lunch. We go for walks, we chat on the phone. We're totally girlfriends. We talk every day. She's great. I love her to pieces! But...
Every once in a while, she slips up. She is, after all, always going to be my ex-boyfriend's mother first. The good thing is, she's always the first one to tell me (or fess up, so to speak) when something happens that she knows might upset me, having to do with crossing lines with Adam or something like that. It's only happened a few times and nothing major. One time I got mad at her and didn't talk to her for 3 days. But for the most part, it's been great. She's been great. A great friend. A much needed friend, at times, too.
I had dinner with her last night. We talked of my move. I didn't say not to tell Adam, it was a given. I thought. So she calls me tonight:
"I'm so sorry, but I told Adam you're moving."
FUCKKKKKKKKKK! WHYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!? "I don't know why, it was so stupid, I'm so sorry." But honestly, I'm not really mad. It just gives me one MORE reason to be in any kind of communication with Adam. Of course, I want to know his reaction, what he said, what she said, blah blah blah. Holy can of worms.
Now the trouble is this: I will use ANY old excuse to text or call Adam. Any. So, in typical Nissa fashion, I text Adam about an hour later. Oh, wait. His response to Carole telling him the news was: "He gasped. He said OMG, should I call her? What should I do?" That was Carole telling me this. Ok, the text:
N: "I don't want to hear a word from you about my moving. She shouldn't have told you, but she did and that's that. Leave it alone."
And then immediately following:
N: "I'm not moving because of you, I stayed because of you and now I'm leaving. It was my plan before I met you, remember?"
Notice the open ended text, people. Ick. That's me and how I am with Adam. Reaching. Pathetic. His response, almost immediately:
A: "I hope you're alright. I think it's very brave of you. I'm sorry."
What? No: DON'T GO! COME BACK! I'LL CHANGE! I'LL BE BETTER!?!?!? Really? That's it? Am I surprised? No.
So, I explained all of this to Carole and told her all of this. I told her that this is what will keep me from being close friends with her. This entire scenario, which mostly boils down to my lack of self control, will be the death of our friendship. I realize it's mostly my lack of self control. I know it's there and so I can't be exposed to these types of situations just yet. Period.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Friday, September 7, 2007
Quick update
Helloooooooo - I don't really have too much to say, but....well, that's a lie. I have a ton to say, but I don't want to. Not yet. However, I DO want to give you a little update as to the whereabouts my love life is at the moment, etc.
So Chris and I? We ended that Friday night - the night in which I posted and promised to be single by the next night (which would've been Saturday night). He hasn't been calling or texting or emailing or anything. Well, he DID email me on Sunday night with some apologies, etc. for all of his drinking and his feeling responsible for the relationship going awry so quickly. I accepted his apology and told him not to beat himself up over it because I have my own issues that added fuel to the fire, etc. Then I got a IM thanking me for pointing out his drinking problem to him and that he was getting the help he needed, etc. and that our relationship served as a godsend type thing, so that he could take care of it before it got too bad. I thought the email was nice, and appreciated. Ok, buh bye. I think that was the last I'll hear from him. He served a purpose for me, as well - confidence booster. Thank you, Chris.
However, I should never have let Adam back in my after that confidence boost. He has such a way of making me feel fat, ugly and rotten from the inside out. Why did I let him back in, even if not fully? I spent much of a couple of nights this week in tears...over Adam...again. WHY do I give him so much power? Ick. Anyway, I've come to my senses, started back at therapy and started reading Eat Love Pray (LOVING it!), along with checking in on It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken from time to time.
On another note, I'm totally hating my job. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the baby. Love. But I don't like his mother and it's taking it's toll. So, today folks, I gave my landlords my notice that I'll be moving out by the end of October. I'm moving, friends. Not sure where, but I'm moving. Out of state. I'm going to take advantage of the fact that people are paying people like me good money to take care of their children in areas other than Boulder, CO. I'm really excited, really nervous and (did I mention) really excited!
Also, I saw Jonny Lang last night! I had 2 tickets, and when I bought them, Chris was going to go with me. But I bought them and I really wanted to go. I had NO idea who to take. None. I don't really have any friends here that like to see music shows unless they know them and know they like that particular artist/band. I used to drag Brendan (although I didn't ever have to drag him - he was always more than willing) to shows a lot when he lived here, Alex was always up for a good show when she lived here and so was Brooke before she moved to Colombia. Ugh. I thought about taking my mom - she's into good music. But then I was so torn because so is my stepfather. Ugh. I even pondered giving them both the tickets and forfeitting the show all together so that they could go together. Then it hit me! It's general admission and not sold out...so I called my mom and they just bought one more ticket and the 3 of us went. It was perfect! And the show??? UNBELIEVABLE! This little white guy (26 years old) came out on stage and rocked the socks of the entire crowd for 2 and a half hours! He'd speak to the audience, between songs, in this tiny little sweet voice and then once he started playing music it was like it took over his entire being and controlled him - this AMAZING, soulful, deep yet high at times, voice BELTED out and his guitar playing skills were phenomenal! If ever you have the chance, check him out! SO worth it. SO!
Hmmmm...what else? I have this horse clinic on Sunday with Belle. I'm excited - it's about learning trust and conquering fears, etc. using your horse and their intuition and senses, etc. I'm not super clear on how it will work (obviously by my explanation), but I'll let you know next week. Belle has been an absolute angel for the past week, so I'm not sure what issues she and I will work on with the "horse whisperer." I've been riding her bareback, with just a halter, even out in the pasture with the other horses, as sort of a test to see if I could control her. She passed with flying colors! It wasn't too long ago that I couldn't even control her with a big huge saddle and a big ole steel bit in her mouth! My my my, how consistent and hard work pays off! Go Belle! Go Nissa, actually. I worked so hard with her for the past 7 months and she's really responded well! Wheeeeeeeeeee! Just in time for me to leave her! Ugh. Belle, I will mis terribly!! And the riding, it's good for my soul. I'll miss that. Geez, I hadn't thought of that. Well there have to be horses wherever it is I'm going, right?
I guess I had more to say than I thought. That's always fun.
So Chris and I? We ended that Friday night - the night in which I posted and promised to be single by the next night (which would've been Saturday night). He hasn't been calling or texting or emailing or anything. Well, he DID email me on Sunday night with some apologies, etc. for all of his drinking and his feeling responsible for the relationship going awry so quickly. I accepted his apology and told him not to beat himself up over it because I have my own issues that added fuel to the fire, etc. Then I got a IM thanking me for pointing out his drinking problem to him and that he was getting the help he needed, etc. and that our relationship served as a godsend type thing, so that he could take care of it before it got too bad. I thought the email was nice, and appreciated. Ok, buh bye. I think that was the last I'll hear from him. He served a purpose for me, as well - confidence booster. Thank you, Chris.
However, I should never have let Adam back in my after that confidence boost. He has such a way of making me feel fat, ugly and rotten from the inside out. Why did I let him back in, even if not fully? I spent much of a couple of nights this week in tears...over Adam...again. WHY do I give him so much power? Ick. Anyway, I've come to my senses, started back at therapy and started reading Eat Love Pray (LOVING it!), along with checking in on It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken from time to time.
On another note, I'm totally hating my job. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the baby. Love. But I don't like his mother and it's taking it's toll. So, today folks, I gave my landlords my notice that I'll be moving out by the end of October. I'm moving, friends. Not sure where, but I'm moving. Out of state. I'm going to take advantage of the fact that people are paying people like me good money to take care of their children in areas other than Boulder, CO. I'm really excited, really nervous and (did I mention) really excited!
Also, I saw Jonny Lang last night! I had 2 tickets, and when I bought them, Chris was going to go with me. But I bought them and I really wanted to go. I had NO idea who to take. None. I don't really have any friends here that like to see music shows unless they know them and know they like that particular artist/band. I used to drag Brendan (although I didn't ever have to drag him - he was always more than willing) to shows a lot when he lived here, Alex was always up for a good show when she lived here and so was Brooke before she moved to Colombia. Ugh. I thought about taking my mom - she's into good music. But then I was so torn because so is my stepfather. Ugh. I even pondered giving them both the tickets and forfeitting the show all together so that they could go together. Then it hit me! It's general admission and not sold out...so I called my mom and they just bought one more ticket and the 3 of us went. It was perfect! And the show??? UNBELIEVABLE! This little white guy (26 years old) came out on stage and rocked the socks of the entire crowd for 2 and a half hours! He'd speak to the audience, between songs, in this tiny little sweet voice and then once he started playing music it was like it took over his entire being and controlled him - this AMAZING, soulful, deep yet high at times, voice BELTED out and his guitar playing skills were phenomenal! If ever you have the chance, check him out! SO worth it. SO!
Hmmmm...what else? I have this horse clinic on Sunday with Belle. I'm excited - it's about learning trust and conquering fears, etc. using your horse and their intuition and senses, etc. I'm not super clear on how it will work (obviously by my explanation), but I'll let you know next week. Belle has been an absolute angel for the past week, so I'm not sure what issues she and I will work on with the "horse whisperer." I've been riding her bareback, with just a halter, even out in the pasture with the other horses, as sort of a test to see if I could control her. She passed with flying colors! It wasn't too long ago that I couldn't even control her with a big huge saddle and a big ole steel bit in her mouth! My my my, how consistent and hard work pays off! Go Belle! Go Nissa, actually. I worked so hard with her for the past 7 months and she's really responded well! Wheeeeeeeeeee! Just in time for me to leave her! Ugh. Belle, I will mis terribly!! And the riding, it's good for my soul. I'll miss that. Geez, I hadn't thought of that. Well there have to be horses wherever it is I'm going, right?
I guess I had more to say than I thought. That's always fun.
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