Still Day 1

Ok, I'm just too excited about this blog to quit now. I want to type and type and type. So much is going on and I have so much to say, how could I possibly log off and go to bed now?

I'm not going to go back 14 years right now. I'm not even going to go back a year and a half. I'm going to go back a week. Maybe even a couple of days. OK - yesterday: I had therapy. I went to see Beth. I told her that I thought I'd like to write a letter to my boyfriend - Adam. I'd like to write a letter to Adam and explain to him, in great detail, why I had to break up with him and why he had to understand and why it had to stick this time. I told Beth that I thought I would like to read the letter to Adam in therapy the next day (which is actually today). I thought he might hear me better in the safe place of therapy. That he might even listen to what I had to say if we were in therapy with Beth as our witness. I was going to explain in this letter to Adam that the pot was too much. The addiction was all just too much for me. I was going to tell Adam that I had come to terms with the fact that he chose pot over me. The lies about the pot had done me in. The trust was gone and I couldn't go on in this relationship - this unhealthy relationship that had pushed me over the edge (WAY WAY over the edge most recently - breaking things, punching, and really hurting him). That letter was my plan, as of yesterday, to execute today. However, that all got messed up. On my way from Beth's office yesterday, Adam called and asked me if I wanted to come hang out with him for a little while before he went back to work. "Sure, " I said. "Why not?" (Why not???? How about because you are planning on breaking up with him in less than 24 hours??? But I LOVE him. But I LOVE his company. He's so cute. He's so funny. He's so darn sweet!!! Can you hear: "Blah blah blah," yet?? I can.)

When I got to Adam's house, I decided to continue my little game of Inspector Nissa. Although Adam was the one who initally re-instilled trust in my heart, he was also the one who yanked that from me and made my untrusting stronger than ever. I've been on a roll with checking emails, text msgs, voicemail and myspace msgs for about 3 months now. Very tiring, very unhealthy and very very old. But reassuring in an odd way as well. So...back to what I did during my crazy girlfriend inspection: I picked up his home phone and pressed redial. It had a phone number first and then all the options that he pressed to move around the automated system he was playing in. That, my friends, was when I discovered that my boyfriend was back on the ol' dating line. I yelled up to Adam:

Me: "Adam...is there anything you want to tell me?"
A: "Nope."
Me: "Are you sure? No dating line confessions??" (he's done this before - twice)
A: "Nope."
Me: "Well, Adam, I happen to have your phone in my hand and I pressed redial and it called the dating line...still want to say nothing?"
A: "Yep. I don't know what you're talking about."
Me: "You have about 3 seconds before I flip out and you have to end up calling the cops on me!!! TELL ME THE FUCKING TRUTH ADAM!!!!!"

Then Adam comes down the stairs and I attack him. On the stairs. It was ugly for all of about 20 seconds. I am not proud. I promise. It is precisely how I knew that this relationship must absolutely be over. Never in all my life have I left a mark on a person. Ever. I had one fist fight when I was much younger and alcohol was involved, but NOTHING compared to what went on yesterday. Nothing. Adam has a temper and has used it around me, but never on me. He was scared yesterday. I was scared yesterday. I think it's safe to say that he's still scared. Of me. Weird. Someone is scared of me. Afraid that I might hurt them. This is a man that I have loved with all of who I was for the past year and a half. Someone that I thought I unconditionally loved. That is the dumbest phrase: unconditional love. The only unconditional love that exists is the love you have for a baby. I honestly believe that. My therapist pointed that out to me and it's so true. How can love be unconditional? Moving right along...

When I was able to regain composure and step back and get it together, I stepped out onto Adam's front porch and smoked a cigarette. I quit smoking 6 years ago and I (VERY oddly) stopped and bought cigarettes on my way home yesterday. I sat there in silence and smoked a cigarette yesterday. It, surprisingly, didn't make me sick. It seemed to calm my nerves. Weird. Adam nervously paced around me saying something, although I didn't hear him. I think he was making excuses for why he was back on the dating line, somehow blaming me I would imagine. It always seems to come back to how I made him do whatever it was that he did to hurt me. I wonder if he really believes that I made him do it or if he just says that to me. Does he actually think anyone can make sense out of what he's saying? "Well, Nissa, what was I supposed to do? You've broken up with me 30 times! What was I supposed to do?!?!?! Did you just expect me to finish a festival weekend (in other words he had a really hard and stressful weekend and because we were in a fight at the end of it all, I wasn't there to celebrate the success of it all so obviously he had to get on the dating line!!! duh!) and not celebrate????" Wow. Does that add up in his mind? Should I have thought: "Oh you're right, Adam. I'm sorry I was mad at you for being stoned out of your mind while I was working my ass off for you for 45 hours in 3 days!!! I should have supported that and been there to celebrate YOUR success that rode on my shoulders!!! Silly me!" It's SO frustrating!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

I left Adam's house right after that cigarette and not a tear have I shed. Not a one. I have cried more when I am with Adam than I have since we broke up yesterday. Again, very weird. I've had this sense of relief since leaving his house. I will say though, that Adam showed up at therapy today (25 mins after it started) claiming he had some things to say to me. Just being in his presence about sent me over the edge. I went from being very calm and very at peace before he got there (and all day for that matter) to being all tensed up and a ball of nerves within seconds of him walking through that therapy door. I finally had to ask Beth to ask him to leave because I couldnt' handle the way he was making me feel. It was our energy clashing. Since he walked out of therapy at 4:54pm today, that sense of peace has come back to me from time to time - no more worrying what he's doing, no more spying, no more surprise drive bys. It all feels very free now. My life is my life. Not one more second to take care of Adam or Adam's business or Adam's mom or Adam's brother or Adam's anything. I can get back to me. Woooooooooohoooooooooooo! I have to admit that I'm not this gung-ho about it it all the time - it varies from minute to minute. It's kind of scary - now I have to focus on myself - something I've neglected for the past year and a half. Luckily, I've been in the weining process with Adam - I moved out of his house in January, I quit working for him full time (and really only worked for him for about 8 hours/wk since January unless there was a festival and then I'd work 45-50 hrs within 2 or 3 days) and got my own full time job. I gained some hobbies and made an effort for real quality girl time. So I've been subconsciously (and not so SUBconsciously at times) preparing myself for this departure and for this me time. I'm ready. I hope. For the most part, it feels great. Then there's the scary part and then there's the sad part and then there's the angry part.

The sad part wonders - what if he was the one and I just made too big of a deal over the pot? What if I never find someone that I love as much as I love Adam? That little face - god, I LOVE it! I can rub his head for hours upon hours and not even know I'm doing it. I've seriously sat through a 2 hour movie and rubbed his head the entire time and not even noticed. What if I can't find anyone who thinks I'm as funny as Adam thinks I am? And his family - we're such a good fit, all of us. Sure, we drive each other nuts, but that's what families do. He's great with kids (he loves them and they love him and he has a lot of fun with them - but i would not trust him to responsible for any child due to the fact that he is the epitomy of a stoner... if he was giving a kid a bath and the phone rang, he might just go answer the phone and leave the kid alone in the bathtub because he isn't usually thinking clearly. He's motivated to be successful. He has so many good qualities. I'm just afraid I couldn't deal with the 2 bad qualities. It's as though the 2 bad qualites were WAY bigger than all his good qualities combined. 1) POT and lots of it! 2) LIES (usually only around the pot issue, but also at least 3 times about dating lines).

I guess I'll have to wonder. I'm going to go to sleep now and hopefully dream happy and free dreams rather than sad and lonely dreams. Think happy. Think happy. Think happy. I'll leave you with my favorite Carrie Underwood lyrics for the time being.

I was sitting on my door step
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand
But I knew I had to do it, and I that you wouldn't understand

I guess it's gonna have to hurt
I guess I'm gonna have to cry
And let go of some things I've loved, to get to the other side

I guess it's gonna break me down
(I just bought the CD yesterday, so I don't know anymore words yet!)

Day 1

Today, my friends, is the first full day of my single-hood. First day, in so many years, that I can honestly say I'm single. No strings attached. Heart strings are still attached, yes. But I am seeing NO ONE and I am sleeping with NO ONE. I make a vow, at this moment Internet, (to myself) to be single and completely unattached (with the exception of my healing heart strings that I can't help being attached to) sexually and romantically with anyone for at least 90 days! This might sound ridiculous - 90 days???? Yes, 90 days. That's 3 months longer than I have been single since I turned 14 years old! How crazy is that!?!??! There has always been someone. Whether it was the long-term boyfriend or the fling that I slept with off and on for over a year or even just the old friend that I talked to for hours on the phone with that secret crush. It has never been NO ONE. 14 years old - that makes for 15 years!!!! HOLY SHIT!

How shall I begin this blog? My first blog! Well not really my first - a couple of months ago I started and I just couldn't get into it. Now I can feel it - I'm into it. Should I give you a low down on the loves that have come and gone in the past 15 years? Should I recap the last year and a half? Or should I simply delve into my plan for the next 90 days and so on??? Decisions, decisions. Hmmm....